Tuesday, January 27, 2009, 06:45 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
is cold out. am cold. house stays too cold. fingers get stiff. amm not afraid of the dark but don't like cold. am cold. want body to be warm. can't make it happen. house won't heat well. old house. old windows. old everything. hate being cold for so long.
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( 2.9 / 2100 )Sunday, December 21, 2008, 08:00 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
is hard to be alone. indigo-partner is away. am alone here. hard to be alone. sad. have friends, but are far away. am really alone.
sometimes get worried. soon wicca seeker year will be up. then angry desert god can't hurt us. goddess is good. doesn't hurt people on purpose. not like angry desert god. will be glad when seeker year is finished. am glad to feel loved when we pray to the goddess. not afraid of halo. not afraid of dark things. not saying "halo is no good". am glad for that. glad to not be hated. glad wicca goddess loves us.
just feel alone now. no indigo-partner. little dog is gone too. think indigo-partner doesn't understand halo, but tries to understand halo. trying is good. trying is enough. trying is okay. can love doug. just not in same way as indigo can. just can't do that. am different. is ok.
feel sad tonight. am alone. not afraid of the dark. but is cold out. cold is hard. house just never gets warm enough. old house. is tired old house. am sad. too alone. sad to be so alone.
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( 3.1 / 1273 )Wednesday, November 19, 2008, 09:45 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
hate myself. hate failing. hate being a shadow-thing. blood pays for sins. hate myself. hate that skinny mom is sick. can't fix her. am tired. really tired.
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( 2.9 / 1552 )Tuesday, November 11, 2008, 01:34 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
hate being hated. hate being feared. hate being hated by angry desert god. hate being hated by yhvh. angry desert god says blood pays for sins. always wants more blood payment. always hates us. always makes people who like yhvh say that we are bad. says we are evil. always wants blood for sins. wants us to pay. didn't want to. didn't want to cut. angry desert god won't stop hating us. yhvh won't stop hating us. hate being hated. hate being called evil. hate how church says we're bad. hate how evil church priests keep calling us evil. hate how church people say we're evil.
blood pays for sins
only thing yhvh ever wants is for us to hurt. wants us to be in pain. tried so hard not to cut. tried so hard. just got tired. got too tired to not cut. took so much to go for so long. angry desert god likes it when we're in pain. angry desert god likes us to suffer. always wants blood to pay for sins. hates us. hates us every day. didn't do anything wrong. just hates us. wanted us to cut. yhvh like us to be in pain. likes it when we hurt. hate being hated. hate being despised. hate being said "you are different. you are evil. not like us. are bad." blood pays for sins.
tried so hard to no cut. wanted to not cut. wanted so say "will not give you what you want" to angry desert god who hates us. yhvh loves those who hate us; hates those who love us. mean angry desert god.
didn't cut throat. indigo wants us to. didn't do it. yhvh likes us to hurt. angry desert god like it when we're sad. yhvh blesses people who do mean things. yhvh says blood pays for sins. have offered blood to angry desert god. want it to be enough. don't want to cut anymore. hate yhvh for wanting us to cut. don't want to cut anymore.
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( 3 / 1667 )Sunday, November 2, 2008, 02:21 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
hate myself. am worthless. am useless. can't make things better. have failed. can't make things better. am useless. skinny mom is dying soon. couldn't make her not sick. disease is anchored to her. couldn't make it go away. failed. hate to fail. hate being useless. am bad. am worthless. am useless. wanted to help. couldn't help. wanted skinny mom to get better. didn't get better. is going away soon. don't want her to go away. hate myself. hate myself for failing. hate failing. hate being useless. hate failing. failed skinny mom. couldn't make her better. hate having failed. am worthless. hate myself. hate myself. can't stop hating myself. want to punish self for failing. want to cut. want to pay for failing. want to hurt self to pay for failing. have to pay for failing. hate myself. hate having failed. failed skinny mom. could make things better. wanted to. really wanted to. hate myself for failing.
Want to cut. want to hurt self. have to hurt self. have to cut. have to pay for failing.
have not cut. trying not to cut. hate myself. hate being a failure.
hate myself. am useless. am worthless. am a failure.
couldn't fix skinny mom. don't want her to go away.
wish she were better.
am sad.
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( 3 / 1692 )Wednesday, October 29, 2008, 09:46 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
skinny mom is in hospital again. is really sick. is too skinny. don't want her to go away. skinny mom has too much pain. am sad. don't want her to hurt. don't want her to go away. don't want her to hurt. love skinny mom. am sorry she's sick and can't get better. am sad. love her. am sad. don't want to be left behind.
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( 3 / 1699 )Thursday, October 16, 2008, 08:25 AM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
don't want skinny mom to be sick. don't want her to die. don't want her to go away. don't want to be alone. am sad.
angry desert god is mean. makes nice people get sick. makes bad people get rich and live well. makes nice people have bad lives. makes bad people have good lives. angry desert god is a mean god. mean people serve the mean god.
am worried that angry desert god will hurt us soon. yhvh is mean to us. has hurt us before. likes to hurt us. don't know why. don't know why angry desert god hurts us and blesses people who hurt us.
wish skinny mom could get better. wish she wasn't sick. am worried. am sad.
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( 3 / 1362 )Tuesday, September 9, 2008, 05:13 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
feel haunted. am remembering. used to be bad long ago. monster was mean to us. hated being hated. hated being ashamed of. made us hate ourselves. never good enough. hated ourselves too. monster liked to watch us be hurt. monster's second wife hit us. monsster liked to watch. liked watching. liked us getting hurt. called us coward. called us stupid. called us fat. didn't let us eat. hated living in fear. hated having to steal for food. made us feel like garbage. made us feel worthless. monster said we were worthless. liked us to be hurt. liked to watch us be hurt. long ago. gone now. monster is far away. still haunts us. hate being haunted. hate being hated. am not a coward. am not worthless. am not stupid. am not bad. am not defective. monsster was bad. monster lied. hate being lied to. monster was a liar. is far away. good. will be ok. monster is far away. can haaunt us but not hurt us. can only haunt.
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( 3.1 / 1761 )Saturday, August 30, 2008, 09:29 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
am sad. skinny mother wants to die. wants to go to ireland to find sacred place then go away forever. am sad. don't want her to go away. feel sad. don't want her to die.
skinny mother is so sick. so skinny. so frail. so pale. so sick. am sorry to see her so sick. am so sorry to see her fading away. don't want her to die. want her to be well. am sorry. so sorry. tried so hard. said prayers. directed energy. let skinny mom know we loved her. forgive her. is okay. skinny mom has been sad for so long. sick for so long. tired for so long.
knows we prayed for her. was glad. could feel it. said she was glad. tried hard. was glad to do what we could.
godess loves skinny mom. will welcome her when she crosses the veil. will let her have peace. and rest. and regeneration. an love.
am so sad. will miss her so much don't want her to go away. will miss her. am so sad. can know that she must cross soon. can know she has illness that cannot go away. but will miss her. have tried to make her better. can't fix what can't be fixed. am sorry. am sorry. am sorry. tried so hard. am sorry. am sorry. am sorry. tried so hard. so sorry for skinny mom. so sad. am sorry.
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( 3.1 / 1816 )Monday, August 4, 2008, 09:08 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
thinking about things. thinking about mother goddess. loves halo. loves indigo. am glad. thinking about angry desert god. don't know why he thinks we're no good. is ok. not following angry desert god. not hurting body. not cutting. angry desert god always said blood pays for sins. mother goddess doesn't ask for blood. only asks for love and give love when we pray. am glad. went to lughnasadh sabbat. saw nice people. druids are nice. not afraid of us.
was thinking about mom. skinny mom. poor skinny mom. has become so sick. sick for a long time. don't want her to be sick, but her body is damaged. can't get better. will have to cross the veil. will miss her. don't want her to go, but she will. am sad to see her in suck bad health. she served angry desert god for too long. angry desert god made her sick because angry desert god is mean. she doesn't love angry desert god anymore. loves the mother goddess now. am glad. goddess loves people.
been thinking that it's easier to think more clearly. was not always this way. was not always able to think fully. many things have changed. have become more person and less creature. have changed a lot. have friends. not as scary. can love friends. can be okay. am feeling real. can think. is good.
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