Monday, August 4, 2008, 09:08 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
thinking about things. thinking about mother goddess. loves halo. loves indigo. am glad. thinking about angry desert god. don't know why he thinks we're no good. is ok. not following angry desert god. not hurting body. not cutting. angry desert god always said blood pays for sins. mother goddess doesn't ask for blood. only asks for love and give love when we pray. am glad. went to lughnasadh sabbat. saw nice people. druids are nice. not afraid of us.
was thinking about mom. skinny mom. poor skinny mom. has become so sick. sick for a long time. don't want her to be sick, but her body is damaged. can't get better. will have to cross the veil. will miss her. don't want her to go, but she will. am sad to see her in suck bad health. she served angry desert god for too long. angry desert god made her sick because angry desert god is mean. she doesn't love angry desert god anymore. loves the mother goddess now. am glad. goddess loves people.
been thinking that it's easier to think more clearly. was not always this way. was not always able to think fully. many things have changed. have become more person and less creature. have changed a lot. have friends. not as scary. can love friends. can be okay. am feeling real. can think. is good.
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( 2.9 / 919 )Sunday, August 3, 2008, 08:29 PM
Indigo Incarnates
I had a nice time yesterday at the Lughnasadh Sabbat at the Cedar Light Grove. The great thing about Pagan worship services is that they are really festive! Lughnasadh is the celebration of the Sun God and of the first harvest. We got to sing songs, play drums, and the high priest did a rune casting. After the service, we all had some munchies. It was nice.
Wiccan/Druid gods aren't like YHVH. They want love, but they don't demand we grovel or beg. We are loved because we are created in love. We are created to be what we are, not created in sin. That is the truth of the Old Ways. I'm glad that this truth is finally being remembered.
I'm glad that I got to go :)
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( 3 / 976 )Saturday, August 2, 2008, 03:46 PM
Ashen Incarnates
I look upon YHVH as a pretender. This deity pretends to be a god of love but actually rewards worship with wrath, fear, shame, and disease. YHVH is not a loving deity. YHVH is an angry desert god. I will not serve this deity. I will not bend my knee to a god that throws its faithful to the abattoir.
You think YHVH is a loving god? You are a FOOL if you do. I see how YHVH rewards the faithful: with misery, disease, poverty, and an untimely death. I see how YHVH rewards the wicked: kleptocratic televangelist fake preachers with half a dozen multi-million-dollar mansions; politicians who say "praise god" while picking your pocket; parolees who claim "god lives in my hear" right before they commit their next murder.
But YHVH has rewarded the monster-father beyond a doubt. This evil bastard has always been rewarded by YHVH. He retired at 48 being rich while doing next to nothing to earn it. He brutally abused Indigo/Halo. He is a child molester and sexual psychopath. He is a drinker, smoker, and drug user. He has stolen as well as taken loans an never paid them back. Lies flow from his lips like water from a waterfall.
The father-monster is a liar, deceiver, and betrayer. He is a monster. He is a coward. I long to kick him in the balls. I will make Indigo outlive this monster so that someday I can personally defile his grave. I will dance on his grave. I will spit on his grave. I piss and shit on his grave. I will drive a wooden shaft into the ground as a vampire would have a stake through its chest. May that bastard be anchored to his rotting corpse and scream in the darkness until he has paid threefold for what he has done.
But YHVH, the god who rewards injustice and punishes faith, has always given the father-monster every blessing and every boon. He has escaped prosecution for his crimes. His lies have always been believed. His bad debts have never been enforced. His sins have never been called for accounting. This is because the father monster is the kind of creature YHVH actually LIKES. I can see that. Those who think YHVH is a loving god are fools and delusional.
The father monster escaped punishment because of YHVH's blessing of his evil works. YHVH rejoices in the suffering of the innocent, the kind, and the righteous. YHVH loves those who smite the helpless and take from those who have nearly nothing.
YHVH is a pretender god. And if Jesus was indeed the son of YHVH, and Jesus was perfect, then it reflects on YHVH that he had his own son tortured and murdered. If he does that to his spirit-child, why do people think any earthly child will be treated better by this cruel and capricious god? They are fools if they do.
I have never served YHVH. I will not give my power to someone who would so obviously and so easily misuse it.
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( 3 / 989 )Friday, August 1, 2008, 03:38 PM
Indigo Incarnates
I've been visiting mom this weekend. She has been very ill this year and got diagnosed with an incurable lung disease (COPD) and is further aggravated by a genetic defect. the defect sort of explains why she has had lung troubles her whole life. I want to visit her as often as I can because her doctor said she has perhaps 2-3 years remaining. I don't think she really has that long. She has lost a lot of weight in just 45 days since I saw her last. I worry that she might have much time left. I love mom very much. I don't want her to die soon. I wish there was something I could do, but there isn't.
She's been a whole lot happier since she stopped drinking. She cut her smoking down to a few cigarettes per day. She has chucked a religion that brought her grief and shame and embraced a faith that values life and love. It's like she hare really begun to live. Before she stopped drinking, she lived a sort of living death. But now she seems to be really living. This is good.
I wish her health was better. I wish her physical health was as good as her spiritual health. It's sad to see her be so ill. I love her a lot.
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( 3 / 968 )Thursday, July 31, 2008, 06:54 AM
Indigo Incarnates
I drove my bicycle to work three days this week. I'm thinking that I can realistically do this 2-3 days per week indefinately, but that doing it five days per week would be a bit of a stretch. Basically, on the way there it's about 80% downhill. The trouble is it's 80% uphil on the way back! Lemme tell ya: driving a bike uphill for three miles straight is pretty tough. I'm feeling stiff enough this morning that I just can't do it!
Of course, I'm used to using a treadmill for exercise, so I suppose bicycling uses different muscle groups. Maybe I'll build more stamina over time. The idea of polluting less, honoring the Goddess through concrete actions, and thumbing my nose at Bush / Big Oil has great appeal to me.
I also noticed that SUV owners get really pathological about bicyclists. They tend to thing it's funny to pull up right behind me and honk the horn. They also seem to enjoy passing me at twice the speed limit while giving me less than six inches of clearance. I realy think that people who feel they need to drive 500-HP vehicles that weigh 6,500 pounds should really consider getting therapy for whatever psychological problem their choice of vehicle compensates for.
So... the bike experiment is at least a partial success. huzzah!
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Speaking of experiments... I had a job interview today for a promotion to Case Agent. Basically, if I can get the promotion, it's another $6,000 per year. I also would get to have th (dis)pleasure of surprising the junkie-bums at home (Case Agents do home visits to make sure the bums live where they say they live). Very exciting.
So, 122 people initially applied for the case agent job. As far as I can tell, however, the Powers That Be only liked eight applicants enough to interview. I was one of the eight. Alas, one applicant has a masters degree while another is a gamma shift supervisor at one of the jails. So I feel a little outgunned. On the bright side, I have been an Investigator for 2.5 years, so I sort of know part of the Case Agent job already. I also interview reasonably well and express myself in writing VERY well.
There was an essay section. Heh heh. I think I did extremely well on that part.
So... given that glaciers move faster than government, I figure I'll know if I got the promotion sometime before Yule, har har. Wish me luck!!
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( 2.9 / 1067 )Monday, July 28, 2008, 05:38 PM
Indigo Incarnates
I'm sure I'm not the only one to blog about this, but my patience has worn down to the point that I just have to vent. Here's what I am feeling: Vista is about as fun as an ingrown toenail.
I have a new laptop that I bought earlier this year. It's got a 2.0 GHz DuoCore processor, 2.0 Gb RAM, and a hugh hard drive. So why does it run about the same speed as my old machine that had only 512 Mb RAM and had a Celeron 900 MHz processor? Why? Because the old computer had WinXP and the new one has Vista.
Vista takes about 5 minutes to reboot when something goes wrong -- and "something" is basically "all the time".
When I have multiple instances of Explorer open, it seems like one of the windows won't close. So I end up using task manager to manually terminate the application.
A process called DNS Host crashes all the time. When that process bites the dust, it disables my wireless internet card.
It's not very backward compatible. My favorite video game of all time, Sacred, won't run on it. Real Player *barely* runs on it. Rhapsody *barely* runs on it.
Why does it have to black out the screen, make a bloop noise, refresh and then the screen in grey scalem, just to ask "Are you sure you want to [whtever it is I want to do]?" Then once I hit yes or no, it bloops again, the screen goes black, and then the screen refreshes in color. this takes almost 10 seconds. It's really, really annoying!
Why does the comvista take nearly as long to shur down as it does to start up?
Why does Vista take nearly as long to recover from hibernation as it does just to do a cold restart?
Why does Sleep mode take as long to come out of as Hibernation mode did in Windows XP?
I think my next laptop is going to run Mac OS.
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( 2.9 / 881 )Sunday, July 27, 2008, 01:28 PM
Indigo Incarnates
I did my test run for driving my bicycle to work. It takes 25 minutes to get there by pedal power. That's actually only 5 minutes longer than driving directly, but 15 minutes shorter than carpooling. It's also going to be about $100 month cheaper when gasoline and 1/3 of a parking pass are excluded.
I have two other motivations as well. One: my two co-workers with whome I had been carpooling think I'm white trash because I live in a blue-collar neighborhood and drive an older beat-up car and can't afford super-expensive things. But then, they have husbands that both make six-figure incomes. If they didn't, they'd be driving an old car and living in a blue collar neighborhood just like I do because they do the SAME JOB as me. What a crock.
My other motivation is that as a Wiccan I should be willing to do what I can to protect the environment and maintain the health of my physical body. Both are sacred to the Goddess. So this sort of accomplishes a bit of both. Yay.
So... as long as it's not raining, I think the bike method is a go. :)
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( 3.1 / 862 )Saturday, July 26, 2008, 07:07 AM
Indigo Incarnates
Doug and I are on the bus to NYC to see a show on Broadway. Yay! We're seeing "A Catered Affair", which is a musical about planning a wedding in the 1950s (and will probably draw more gays than straights, har har). There are a few restaraunts and cafes we always go to also. I totally dig The Iguana and they have a good "Broadway Special" for dinner that isn't too expensive.
I was also happy to learn yesterday that a friend who had to have surgery a few days ago got the surgery finished successfully. She had a few pollyps in her digestive tract but they were non-cancerous. I am really glad for her that she is going to be okay. She's a kind person who walks the path of the Goddess.
I decided that I'm going to start taking my bicycle to work next week instead of driving a car. Basically: parking is prohibitively expensive; I hate the people I've been carpooling with; gasoline prices are out of control; it's very Wiccan to get to work under one's own power. So... it'll save me about $10/week in gasoline, $60/month for my share of the parking fee, and (priceless) a big chunk of sanity.
Why don't I like my two coworkers? They both have rich husbands who make so much money that the women don't really need to work. But these two shrews always gripe about how "tough" the job is while at the same time gloating about getting some $300 purse or a $5,000 television. One of two had the nerve to tell me that the reason she's happy about living in a gated community is that it keeps "trash" like Doug and I out.
Well... it just goes to show ya: money can buy you things, but it can't buy you class. It's okay, though, since I woudn't want her as a neighbor either, har har.
So... that's what's going on. Yay!
__________________________________
We're on the bus ride home. The trip to NYC was awesome!
We stopped by the FAO Swartz toy store since it had Willow-appeal. After all, what little child doesn't like stuffed animals? Willow got to hug some really big, really soft, really squishy stuffed critters. It was great!
Then we did an hour walk in Central Park. Thistle got to fly and Willow got to see some pretty trees and flowers. I got to see a pretty lake and a really cool arched stone bridge. Neat-o!
We got lunch at my favorite restaraunt: The Iguana. I love Mexican food and thi place makes very good entres and also has food vegetarians can eat.
Doug and I saw "A Catered Affair". It was a heck of a lot darker than we had anticipated. It was a lot less about the young soon-to-be-married couple than it was about the unresolved marital issues of the young woman's parents. It starred Tom Wopat, Faith Prince, and Tom Wopat. It's too bad that the General Lee car was nowhere to be seen!
All in all, it was a pretty good day. and we even stayed within our budget!
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( 2.9 / 975 )Friday, July 25, 2008, 06:04 AM
Indigo Incarnates
As of today, my life-force has occupied this body for 26 years. It's not a birthday, since the body was born in December (and 38 years ago). 'ut when I first came into being, I never thought I would live this long. I am really glad that I have! So, "birthday" isn't the exact right word, but today is something a whole lot like one, Yay!!
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( 3 / 975 )Wednesday, July 23, 2008, 09:05 AM
Indigo Incarnates
My back is okay again. Yay! Oddly enough, when Halo incarnates the body, it somehow causes the body to heal at a very rapid pace. I find it interesting that Halo has gone from being an entity that hurts the body to being one that helps the body. This is a good thing. After all, I'm a 25-year-old life-force animating a 38-year-old body, so I try to keep the physical conditioning in some semblance of being 25.
I got my raise for finishing my midcycle review in "Exceeds Standards" status. So I will now get $10/month more (after tax!) Of course, the currency has hyperinflated so much under Bushonomics that I'd really need a $400/month raise to have the same purchasing power I did three years ago. But I am very happy for the raise.
I saw the movie Soylent Green and it got me to thinking that the scenario in that movie could probably take place by 2025 (when the movie takes place) if we keep getting far-right billionaire-friendly compassionate conservatives for another 8-12 years or so. Basically, in the movie there were a select few incredibly wealthy people and the rest of the population lived in unimaginable poverty. Moreover, food prices had hyperinflated so high that a pint of strawberries cost $225. Of course, the Feds subsidized nutrition wafers for the masses so that people got fed just enough to keep from starving to death (but not one calorie more). Of course, malnourished, underfed people can't riot effectively, and that's how the government likes it. Of course, the fod wafers turned out to be recycled human flesh mixed in with a plankton substrate. Nice.
On a more cheerful note, I did a prayer ritual last night. It's always nice praying to the Goddess because I feel loved when I pray. Unlike YHVH, the Goddess is proud and joyful that the natural world exists. YHVH only likes to destroy and punish. The Goddess in immanent (meaning that She is manifest in many aspects of life), whereas YHVH is transendant (meaning that He is distant, detached, and judges from afar). I choose to dedicate my life to a loving, kind, and nurturing deity rather than one that seeks only to punish and condemn. I am happy that I have discovered the Wiccan path.
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Halo Incarnates
is dark out not. vast storm. sky flashes. is pretty. am not afraid of storms. sky is pretty when dark and filled with swirling clouds. am not afraid. rain is soft. thunder rumbles. love the mother goddess. is good to have storms and rain and wind.
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