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My blog is now located at http://blog.indigohalo.com
Basically, this folder ran out of space, so I had to create a new one. :)]]> http://indigohalo.com/pblog/index.php?entry=entry090313-052230 http://indigohalo.com/pblog/index.php?entry=entry090311-030909 http://indigohalo.com/pblog/index.php?entry=entry090311-030839 http://indigohalo.com/pblog/index.php?entry=entry090309-182527
I'm really glad that Doug is back from Erie. I always miss him when he's away. We went out to Chili's tonight and we split a piece of molton white chocolate for desert too. Yum!

Lola is back too. She's our little beastie-dog.

We're watching a Sherlock Holmes movie. Very fun. :)]]> http://indigohalo.com/pblog/index.php?entry=entry090308-080649
I was glad that I did a ritual in which I forgave Heather for the times that she hurt me and hurt others. I let her spirit know that I am not angry with her and that it was okay to move on.

Last night, her spirit visited me in a dream. It was a version of Heather I had never met in life, and yet I knew it was indeed her. In the dream, Heather was free of addiction, disease, and mental illness. She said something like "I know I'm not supposed to be here, but I had to come by". And that was okay.

I gave her a big hug -- something I never did when she was alive -- and then she departed.

Though the visit was brief, what struck me as most profound was that she actually seemed *happy* to be how she is now; that it really is okay that she has moved on. Her core being was never evil, and I could sense that. I only ever knew her through the shroud of addiction and illness. I never knew the real Heather that lived underneath all that. But I did get to meet the *real* Heather in my dream. For that, I am truly grateful. I am grateful to the Goddess for letting that visitation take place.

I understand now why people at the funeral missed her so much. May Heather have peace, rest, regeneration, and new life.

Blessed Be]]> http://indigohalo.com/pblog/index.php?entry=entry090307-053839
It's hard to go to a funeral for someone you don't like. It's no secret that Heather and I didn't get along. She had the charming habit of calling me a "f---ing faggot" and also punched me in the face once. I would call her out on leaning too hard on her "disability" of dyslexia and depression. (I have it too, plus a dissociative disorder, but I've always managed to hold down a job). So we didn't like each other when she was alive.

I wasn't expecting to be greeted at the viewing by one of Heather's friends, who said, "Heather told me alll about you -- nothing good, of course." Whatever.

Apparently there were two versions of "Heather". There was the "cocaine" Heather version that cursed, drank, smoked, snorted vast quantities of cocaine, ran up huge credit card bills, and had occasional bouts of violence. Then there was "church" Heather -- the one where people kept saying "She was so nice to the Sunday School kids", blah blah blah. I never met "church" Heather. I only ever got to see "cocaine" Heather.

Regardless of her behaviior, I do feel sorry for Doug and his mom (Jane). Heather died at age 39 and it's not natural for parents to bury their children.

I have a six hour drive back today. It's not going to be a blast. I'm sad that I only ever got to see the "cocaine" Heather and not the "church" Heather. If I had, maybe I'd be able to miss her.]]> http://indigohalo.com/pblog/index.php?entry=entry090305-035901
Yesterday was the kind of day where I should have just gone back to bed. There should be a way to call in to work and say "I can't come in today: my karma is screwed up right now". Ha ha ha ha!

Well, it helps having a sense of humor. From the Wiccan perspective, I can take comfort in knowing that sometimes "sh*t happens" but it's not because of angry desert god.

So, the day started out with me falling down the stairs and hitting my head hard enough to make my scalp bleed. (One of my coworkers used to think Doug beat me because I always said I fall down the stairs. Alas, I really am this clumsy!)

Then, on the way to work, I got a flat tire. Nice. Fortunately, I have a roadside plan through my insurance company (and it costs a whopping 70 cents per month!) So I'm driviving from Mitchell Courthouse to Eastside Courthouse and I got a *second* flat tire! Geeeeeez!!!

So, at that point, I had to get the car towed after work. $345 later, I have two brand-new, high-endurance tires, and I also got the oil changed.

On the bright side, at least the disaster happened in the city and not on Rt. 70 on the way to Heather's funeral (and I'm driving this evening after work today).

My friend Jeff treated me to dinner since I had a lousy day. Jeff's a nice friend. :)]]> http://indigohalo.com/pblog/index.php?entry=entry090302-183935
Doug's sister (Heather) died last night. She had been sick with cancer for a long time. She died while sleeping. I did not like her. But I am sad for Doug. ]]> http://indigohalo.com/pblog/index.php?entry=entry090228-180719
So, the leadership at my Pagan group finally decided that it really would be a good idea to have a web site after all. Yay! The weather sucked all day long so I mostly worked on the Turning Circle web site today. (www.turningcircle.org) I'd say it's about 70% completed. I need to track down some more Pagan artwork and also upload some sample rituals. But for the most part it's done. Kewl. It helps having a real computer again. I've got the new laptop set up for dual display. That's a whole lot of visible viewing space!

I also got the demo version of Sacred II working on the new computer. Apparently the video card is more important than the main processor. Yeah, i'm obsessed with Sacred. It's not often that you find a game in which one can play a half-angel that haas gloats like "burn for your sins" and "beg for forgiveness!" Ha ha ha ha!!

The weather today was of that damp, dark, cold variety that makes my joints ache. On days like this, I can feel every serious injury I've ever had. It just plain sucks. I don't know why a human body only ever heals to 80% or so after a serious injury. Why can't the body ever heal all the way? So I'm sitting here just aching :(

Oh well... what can ya do? It could have been worse. Afterr all, instead of being achy from the numerous car wrecks, diving accident, motorcycle wreck, and hang glliding crash, I could be dead or crippled instead. It really could be a lot worse. ]]> http://indigohalo.com/pblog/index.php?entry=entry090227-030852
I am happy to say that I got my new computer, and I got it on sale! Whoooo-hoo! So now I can finally talk to my friends on Second Life again. Of course, the computer is kida huge, heh heh. I find it odd that laptops with big 16" screens are much less expensive than ones with 13" screens. Go figure. But when I was pricing out laptops, a 13" laptop with a nVidia graphics chipset started at $1,000 but this much bigger laptop only cost $550.I have no idea why. A 16" screen is pretty easy on the eyes, that's for sure!]]> http://indigohalo.com/pblog/index.php?entry=entry090225-110521
feels like we will be crushed. don't want to be crushed. heart races. mind races. saliva tastes like metal. don't like it. feels like something bad will happen. don't know what. hate the ghosts of the past. hate bad memories.. hate bad thoughts. saliva tastes like metal. mind races. heart races. don't know why. palms sweat but feels cold. hate feeling cold all the time. miserable winter. can never be warm. cold house. cold office. cold outside. hands and feet are always cold. mind races. heart races. mouth tastes like metal. don't like it. feels like fear. don't want to have fear. am not a coward.

can remember how it used to be. if we don't move they can't see us. but am still here. didn't ask to become what we are. had to become what we are. am what is left. am what remains. sad. feeling sad. is sad. could have been of the light. am of the darkness. am dark. am not evil. am not evil. am not evil. am of the darkness but not of evil. can never be of the light. ca never be what was. am what remains. am what is left.

hate having fear. will not be mastered by fear. halo makes halo's decisions. will do what is good. will do what works. will not be mastered. will not have fear make choices. halo makes halo's choices. is how it will be. is how it will be. am not a coward. am here.
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It just occurs to me that any corporation *other* than Microsoft would be sued out of existence by now. It's bad enough that their software is incredibly expensive, but their new trick is limiting how often the software can be installed.

Case in point: I paid $200 for a completely legal copy of Windows XP Professional about three years ago. I installed it on my desktop computer. Then the hard drive failed, so I installed it again on the same machine. Then that machine died. So I installed it on my next laptop (now also dead). So I tried to install it last night on my netbook and now it won't activate!

I also have a copy of Office 2007. I bought it legit. When I tried re-installing it last night, it declined to activate.

When is some clever software engineer going to come up with a viable alternative to the Microsoft monopoly?! This install-limitation crap just cost me a LOT of money!]]> http://indigohalo.com/pblog/index.php?entry=entry090221-105209
I'm happy to say that I passed my second "new hire" audit. I've been a Case Agent for about five months so my work gets audited more often than someone who has been doing the job more than a year. I scored reasonably well this time. On a scale of 0-4, I have to get a 1.75 to pass. The first time around I got a 1.76 (whew!). This time I got a 2.54 (where 2.25 is considered "average"). So getting slightly above average less than six month on the job isn't too bad. Of course, I also always get good scores on conduct and attendance, which are factored separately from the audit but do factor into the overall performance review.

So my boss, two co workers, and I went out for Chinese food last night. That was fun. It's great having a supervisor who actually *likes* her employees!

Doug is coming home tomorrow. I've really missed him. I don't think he enjoyed the trip too much either. I'll be glad to have him home.

I did do a 2 mile walk outdoors. It was too chilly for a really long walk, but I did get out somewhat. I'll be glad when the weather warms up so I can excercise mroe and lost about 10 pounds.

I did Doug's taxes today! Yay! So between his return and mine, we should have no problem getting a new couch and a new chair for the living room. Our is, alas, quite deflated from 8 years of use and three pets, plus the occasional use as a guest bed.

I was feeling REALLY guilty about buying a new computer next week. But after seeing what the tax refund is going to look like, I feel less guilty. I saved up $600 in a CD for the computer, so I should only need to siphon off about $50 out of the tax refund. I noticed that laptops with 3D rendering capability are all HUGE. My itty bitty netbook is a nice little machine for watching Netflix and listening to music, as well as the whole email/internet thing. but when I bought it, there were two factors: I was strapped for cash (and this cost $359), and I didn't know that Second Life was about to radically change their system requirements. Apparently an Intel GMA with 64 Mb shared memory isn't an acceptale graphics processor for Second Life anymore (it used to be). So now when I log in (on those rare chances that I actually CAN log in), all I see is shapeless expanse of beige. I have a few really nice friends on SL, so I basically need a new computer to communicate with them. Staples has a laptop with an ATI chipset (2048 Mb texture buffer, 4096 Mb total system memory), so that should be fine for SL, and the machine is only $650.

Speaking of computers, I need to do a root canal on the netbook. What I've noticed is that the Microsoft "updates" have a toxic effect on computers after a while. Now the netbook is nearly crippled so I want to do a reformat/reinstall to clean things up. ::sigh:: Not too much fun. :(
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hate being alone. hate being cold. want winter to be over. dark is okay but cold not harsh. hate cold weather. is hard to be at home. lonely. no one there. hard to sleep.

am at work. stressful. is audit time. have to do that sometimes. don't like it. am always trying hard. always pass ok. still don't like it. am always afraid that bad things will happen.

hate having fear. but am not a coward. am always working. can do job even when having fear. can feel it but will not overwhelm. can be okay. am not a coward. am ok. will be ok. will not cut. will nut hurt the body. am ok. is hard to be alone for so long. but will be ok. will not give in to bad ways. will not cut.

am able to think better now. used to be harder to think. am able to be lucid. can have will to not cut. am being good. ]]> http://indigohalo.com/pblog/index.php?entry=entry090218-181058
no one;s here
dark outside
cold
can see fuzzy cat in the hall
am tired
]]> http://indigohalo.com/pblog/index.php?entry=entry090218-181056
no one;s here
dark outside
cold
can see fuzzy cat in the hall
am tired
]]> http://indigohalo.com/pblog/index.php?entry=entry090216-100204
I had the idea that it would be really cool if every Presidential library had a special room dedicated to the failures and scandals of the president in question. Here are my ideas, and feel free to add your own:


** Nixon Library **
A tape recorder, a bag of burglary tools, and a copy of the CREEP newsletter.

** Ford Library **
A copy of the Nixon pardon decree and an assortment of "Whip Inflation Now" buttons.

** Carter Library **
A Christmas tree with no lights on it, a six-pack of Billy Beer, and some helicopter wreckage.

** Reagan Library **
A copy of Star Wars and a life-size animitronic Ollie North doll that says "No guns for hostages!"

** Bush-41 Library **
One of those wind-up novelty teeth, but make it say "read my lips: no new taxes!"

** Clinton Library **
A cigar, a soiled dress, and a dictionary pointed to the definition of the word "is".

** Bush-43 Library **
A photograph of the Twin Towers, a "Wanted: Dead or Alive" Bin Laden poster, and the "mission accomplished" banner.


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I'm visiting mom this weekend. I was afraid that she was was going to be in even worse shape than she was at Christmas. But I was really happy to see that mom looked much better than at Christmas.

I had been doing a healing ritual for her nearly every day since Christmas. Mom has also been following all of her doctors' instructions and taking her meds correctly. She's been doing light-duty exercise as she's been able (she has these big rubber band things that help her exercise). Her faith in the Goddess has brought her peace in her time of illness.

So, between magic, medicine, love, and hope, she continues to outlast her doctor's estimation of her life expectancy. When she was still alive after Christmas, she beat her doctor's best guess. The Goddess is a loving deity that answers prayers. Unlike YHVH, the Goddess doesn't make people sick on purpose, nor does She rejoice in the suffering of the helpless (again, unlike YHVH). I am so grateful to the Goddess for answering my prayers and helping mom to be more comfortable during the time she has left. I have no illusions about using magic as a miracle cure. But the fact that she has lived an extra two months so far, that she is happy and has some measure of peace, and that she is not in constant agony -- for this I am grateful, and for this I know that I made the right decision to walk the Wiccan path. YHVH is cruel and capricious and never answers prayers. But the Goddess is loving. Magic is real, magic exists, magic works. Blessed be.

So, compared to how she was at Christmas, he coloration is a heck of a lot better, she's more mobile, she's only having to use oxygen at night, her muscle tone is better, and her lung degeneration has slowed a lot. Her edema has shrunk a lot, which will take a lot of pressure off her heart. So if there's less drain on her heart, the congestive heart failure will progress more slowly.

Prayer, magic, science, and medicine are good things to put together.

I wish the same could be said for Doug's sister. He is visiting her this week and her health continues to deteriorate. She's been fighting cancer for nearly three years but it keeps spreading. She had to go to the hospital tonight. Her behavior suddenly became erratic and she started screaming for no reason. So something is probably wrong with her brain. Her doctors have feared that her cancer could spread to her brain.

I feel really bad for Doug. I loathe his sister. She is a cruel and heartless person. i'm sorry she's dying. I'm sorry that she has never done a single act of kindness in her life. I wish things could be different. I wish she could be healthy and that she would become a good person. I don't see that either will happen. And, for that, I am truly sorry. And I am so sorry for Doug.
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I wanted to say thanks to everyone who gave me good wishes for yesterday. My initiation ritual went great. Mav wrote a really beautiful service and it was held outdoors at Greenbelt National Park. It really was a life-affirming ritual.

Mav gave me a gift for my initiation too. She made a small wall hanging commemorating the event. It's really pretty.

Since we had a small fire burning for the rite, we made smores afterwards. Mav even managed to buy some vegan marshmallows. Yay!

We're having a worship service tonight at Turning Circle, and it'll be my first service as a full initiate. Kewl! :)


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