Sunday, December 21, 2008, 08:00 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
is hard to be alone. indigo-partner is away. am alone here. hard to be alone. sad. have friends, but are far away. am really alone.
sometimes get worried. soon wicca seeker year will be up. then angry desert god can't hurt us. goddess is good. doesn't hurt people on purpose. not like angry desert god. will be glad when seeker year is finished. am glad to feel loved when we pray to the goddess. not afraid of halo. not afraid of dark things. not saying "halo is no good". am glad for that. glad to not be hated. glad wicca goddess loves us.
just feel alone now. no indigo-partner. little dog is gone too. think indigo-partner doesn't understand halo, but tries to understand halo. trying is good. trying is enough. trying is okay. can love doug. just not in same way as indigo can. just can't do that. am different. is ok.
feel sad tonight. am alone. not afraid of the dark. but is cold out. cold is hard. house just never gets warm enough. old house. is tired old house. am sad. too alone. sad to be so alone.
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( 3.1 / 1185 )Saturday, December 20, 2008, 09:55 AM
Indigo Incarnates
The bright side this year is that I got promoted and then was transferred to a different courthouse with free parking. The down side is that I had to re-submit my vacation request and I couldn't get the same week off that Doug has off. So... I won't see Doug for two weeks. Oy! It is good for him to see his mom and his sister. I can never visit his family because his sister is violent and hits people (and has hit me in the past). So I don't go. But now that Doug's sister is very ill with cancer, it's very important for Doug to visit while he still can.
So, that leaves me alone here for a week. Bummer. On the bright side, I got a lot of housekeeping done yesterday and will do some more today. I figure that it will be nice for Doug to come home to a clean house. :)
I also made his Christmas present. He wanted a portable external hard drive for his laptop so he can store all of his TV shows and movies. Given that our finances are pretty tight, I couldn't afford a portable hard drive. But... I did the next best thing. For the low, low price of $39, I bought a hard drive conversion kit that turns an internal hard drive into an external hard drive. I took the 100 Gb SATA drive from my dead computer upstairs and mounted it into the external kit. And after a mere ten minutes of assembly, Doug will now be the happy recipient of a USB 2.0 external HD for his movie-storing pleasure.
I talked to skinny-mom last night and learned that the dreaded Uncle Jimmy changed his plans and now won't visit until Dec-28, which means I can visit mom on Christmas Day. Yay! I had originally planned on visiting on the 27th because I didn't want the risk of being at the same place and same time as Jimmy. If we are ever to meet in person, he would run the risk of being kicked in the groin and punched in the throat (via Ashen). So, since I've actually seen how bad Central Booking is, I don't plan on picking up an assault charge.
Next Saturday I get to visit a really special friend for a week. I call her my "quasi-parental entity" since she's sort of a maternal influence in my life and I love her a whole bunch. She's also the only friend I've ever had who was willing to drive 606 miles to visit me. So I don't mind driving that same distance to visit her. She and her husband are real heroes to me. They adopted two little kids, they have two other natural-born children, and they helped raise two other "strays" who were booted from their homes when they were teenagers because their parents were fundamentalist bigots (the evicted kids are gay, and the fundamentalist parents decided to stop being parents to them).
Tonight I get to attend the Yule Rite over at Cedar Light Grove. That's always fun. Pagan/Wiccan celebrations are always a blast. :)
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( 3 / 1058 )Friday, December 19, 2008, 08:46 AM
Indigo Incarnates
One of the things that irritates the crap out of me is how long I have a cough that persists after I otherwise feel okay. Like, I don't have any cold/flu symptoms except for the coughing part. Man, I'm getting really tired of being woken up every 30-45 minutes or so all night long.
I'm really tired.
I usually get over the main part of a cold/flu in just 1-2 days, but the coughing part just lingers for weeks sometimes. I'd like to get some actual uninterrupted sleep. I'm just so freakin' tired.
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( 3 / 1083 )Tuesday, December 16, 2008, 06:23 AM
Indigo Incarnates
Yes, indeed, it is the time of year for the Grisly Christmas Carols, for the "bah humbugs" amongst us (of which I proudly identify!)
----------------------------------------------------
Rudolph the cyborg reindeer
Had a red prosthetic eye
And when he started shooting
People would fall down and die
All of the other reindeer
Stayed the hell out of his way
When Rudolph would get bad road rage
And make other flying reindeer pay
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to slay
"Rudolph with your eye so bright
Let's go cause mayhem tonight!"
Then all the reindeer joined him
Crunching humans under hoof
Kiddies will have to think twice
When they hear the reindeer on the roof!
----------------------------------------------
You'd better watch out
better not cry
a hockey mask dude
just wants you to die
-- Jason Voorhees's coming town!
He's making his list
and sharpening his knives
All he wants to do
is take a few lives
-- Jason Voorhees's coming to town!
He'll kill you when you're sleeping
and stalk when you're awake
Don't run into that basement
or camp out at Crystal Lake!
So... you'd better watch out
or surely you'll die
they're be another sequel
no need to ask why:
-- Jason Voorhees's coming... to... town!
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( 3 / 1108 )Sunday, December 14, 2008, 08:37 AM
Indigo Incarnates
Well, I should have seen it coming. I haven't had a decent amount of sunlight in three weeks and I've had a lot of emotional stress. The net result is that I've been clobbered by the common cold this weekend.
From the non-human perspective, I have to say that the human body does some really disgusting things sometimes. For example, what is the point of having sticky, viscous fluid come out of one's nose for days at a time? And why does thick, foul-tasting gel form in one,s lungs? It's just so gross. And I can feel every major injury this body ever had.
I got close to zero sleep last night because I kept having to cough. And I was coughing so much that I almost threw up a few times (another unpleasant human-body phenomenon).
If I had my true physical form, this would be a non-issue. Changelings rarely get sick! As it is, I'm stuck with this human body for the foreseeable future. Oh well. What can ya do?
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( 3.1 / 1179 )Thursday, December 11, 2008, 09:32 PM - Cool Stuff
indigo incarnates
It looks like the tale of technological woe is finally at an end! My dreaded Vista computer bit the dust two weeks ago and I had ordered a Dell as a replacement. However, the month of December is a bad time of year to order a computer on the internet. In this case, the computer is delayed indefinately due to "unforseen supply constraints". SI cancelled the order and went over to the dreaded Best Buy (where I shop as an absolute last resort).
There is a new breed of laptop called a "netbook". For a whopping $379, I got a little 10" computer that runs an Intel Celeron and WinXP. It's a neat little machine that weighs just 2 pounds. :)
So... I'm back in business!
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( 3 / 1928 )Tuesday, December 9, 2008, 06:16 AM
Indigo Incarnates
I hate this time of year. I just can't get any sunlight. It's pitch black when I get up. It's charcoal grey when I drive to work. My office is in a windowless dungeon that used to be a bomb shelter. The sun has already set by the time I get off work. I just can't get any sunlight. But changelings need sunlight. We aren't like regular humans who apparently don't notice not getting sunlight for months at a time every winter.
I am so exhausted all the time. I actually wake up a lot more tired than when I go to bed. I can't get much sleep anyway, despite the fact that I'm bereft of energy.
It's so stupid how daylight saving time works in this country. The standard time gets jerked around artificially twice each year for no apparent reason. But the adjustment in winter has the undesirable effect of moving sunset to 4:30pm in the afternoon -- which is how it's possibly for me to have gone a full month without sunlight.
It's just so horrible. I'm just so tired all the time. I need to have sunlight.
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( 3 / 1019 )Sunday, December 7, 2008, 10:04 PM
Indigo Incarnates
I got my replacement wireless modem this weekend so I'm a little more connected. I resurrected an older Tablet PC that I had in a drawer for a year. Put the two together and VOILA! I'm back online with an actual computer. Now that the older computer is running 100% it's going to make an awesome Christmas gift for a very special friend. But for now, the tiny tablet is still mine while I'm waiting for my new laptop to arrive. Yay!
It's just about soul-freezing weather. It snowed last night, which was cool, Too bad it didn't stick. Snow is always so pretty and it's generally rare in Baltimore.
I did a super-workout this afternoon. I did 6.1 miles and 1000 calories. That was pretty cool. It's a little harder to have energy at this time of year since there is so hard to get sunlight. But I made myself exercise and it was a good thing to do.
I did an awesome housekeeping job yesterday too -- without being compelled to do so by Ashen. Sometimes when the house gets too messy Ashen sort of gets morally outraged by the chaos and pushes me to clean the place up. But yesterday I did it on my own initiative. Whoooo-Hoo! :)
Tomorrow is Community Supervision day at work. That's when the Case Agents verify that the junkie-bums live where they say they live. There's always the tiny chance of getting shanked -- but it!s a pretty tiny chance indeed. Still, it does keep things interesting!
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( 3.1 / 1130 )Friday, December 5, 2008, 08:34 PM
Indigo Incarnates
The Governor has sort of a legalized-bribery thing going with the employees. For the low-low-low price of $2, we get to have casual fridays instead of wearing slacks and ties and all that rot. The money goes to the Maryland Charity Campaign. So I pay my $2 every time it's an option since I like blue jeans and jogging shoes much better :)
I got a warrant issued for a non-compliant offender. So now he gets to cool his heels until someone coughs up $2,500 for bail. Yay.
Doug, Jeff, and I got to eat at our favorite hangout: El Salto's. It has good food and it's cheap, so I can dig that combination. They also have goof flan.
I did a short prayer ritual too. The thing that always is so amazing about Wicca is thatI feel loved when I pray to the Goddess.
I also heard from my brother. He thibks mom's deterioration has stabilized somewhat, and that mom has the drive to prove her doctors wrong by living much longer than they estimate. It's nice to hear that sheKs got some fight left. Attitude is everything when in the grip of a truly terrible illness.
So, all in all, it was a pretty good day. It's been a while since I've had one, heh heh, so I'm feelibg pretty appreciative! :)
Blessed be
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( 3.1 / 1180 )Thursday, December 4, 2008, 06:14 PM
Halo Incarnates
Dark time now. Am not afraid of long nights. Just dark. Not afraid. Will not be afraid. An not afraid of the dark nights. Too much dark makes body tired. Don't know why. Would like to not be tired. Tired of being tired. Am really tired.
Am tired. Skin becomes numb. Can feel with just fingers. Skin becomes numb. So little energy. Hard to sleep. Can't sleep much. Am so tired. Hard to have energy.
Wanted to cut. Didn't cut. Sometimes get afraid to cut. Think it would be hard to stop. So have not cut. Am so tired. Am so very tired. Am really tired. Am tired.
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