Sunday, November 2, 2008, 02:21 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
hate myself. am worthless. am useless. can't make things better. have failed. can't make things better. am useless. skinny mom is dying soon. couldn't make her not sick. disease is anchored to her. couldn't make it go away. failed. hate to fail. hate being useless. am bad. am worthless. am useless. wanted to help. couldn't help. wanted skinny mom to get better. didn't get better. is going away soon. don't want her to go away. hate myself. hate myself for failing. hate failing. hate being useless. hate failing. failed skinny mom. couldn't make her better. hate having failed. am worthless. hate myself. hate myself. can't stop hating myself. want to punish self for failing. want to cut. want to pay for failing. want to hurt self to pay for failing. have to pay for failing. hate myself. hate having failed. failed skinny mom. could make things better. wanted to. really wanted to. hate myself for failing.
Want to cut. want to hurt self. have to hurt self. have to cut. have to pay for failing.
have not cut. trying not to cut. hate myself. hate being a failure.
hate myself. am useless. am worthless. am a failure.
couldn't fix skinny mom. don't want her to go away.
wish she were better.
am sad.
[ 1 comment ] ( 5 views ) | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 3 / 1635 )Wednesday, October 29, 2008, 09:46 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
skinny mom is in hospital again. is really sick. is too skinny. don't want her to go away. skinny mom has too much pain. am sad. don't want her to hurt. don't want her to go away. don't want her to hurt. love skinny mom. am sorry she's sick and can't get better. am sad. love her. am sad. don't want to be left behind.
[ 1 comment ] ( 3 views ) | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 3 / 1646 )Thursday, October 16, 2008, 08:25 AM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
don't want skinny mom to be sick. don't want her to die. don't want her to go away. don't want to be alone. am sad.
angry desert god is mean. makes nice people get sick. makes bad people get rich and live well. makes nice people have bad lives. makes bad people have good lives. angry desert god is a mean god. mean people serve the mean god.
am worried that angry desert god will hurt us soon. yhvh is mean to us. has hurt us before. likes to hurt us. don't know why. don't know why angry desert god hurts us and blesses people who hurt us.
wish skinny mom could get better. wish she wasn't sick. am worried. am sad.
[ 3 comments ] ( 12 views ) | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 3 / 1302 )Tuesday, September 9, 2008, 05:13 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
feel haunted. am remembering. used to be bad long ago. monster was mean to us. hated being hated. hated being ashamed of. made us hate ourselves. never good enough. hated ourselves too. monster liked to watch us be hurt. monster's second wife hit us. monsster liked to watch. liked watching. liked us getting hurt. called us coward. called us stupid. called us fat. didn't let us eat. hated living in fear. hated having to steal for food. made us feel like garbage. made us feel worthless. monster said we were worthless. liked us to be hurt. liked to watch us be hurt. long ago. gone now. monster is far away. still haunts us. hate being haunted. hate being hated. am not a coward. am not worthless. am not stupid. am not bad. am not defective. monsster was bad. monster lied. hate being lied to. monster was a liar. is far away. good. will be ok. monster is far away. can haaunt us but not hurt us. can only haunt.
[ 4 comments ] ( 3 views ) | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 3.1 / 1710 )Saturday, August 30, 2008, 09:29 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
am sad. skinny mother wants to die. wants to go to ireland to find sacred place then go away forever. am sad. don't want her to go away. feel sad. don't want her to die.
skinny mother is so sick. so skinny. so frail. so pale. so sick. am sorry to see her so sick. am so sorry to see her fading away. don't want her to die. want her to be well. am sorry. so sorry. tried so hard. said prayers. directed energy. let skinny mom know we loved her. forgive her. is okay. skinny mom has been sad for so long. sick for so long. tired for so long.
knows we prayed for her. was glad. could feel it. said she was glad. tried hard. was glad to do what we could.
godess loves skinny mom. will welcome her when she crosses the veil. will let her have peace. and rest. and regeneration. an love.
am so sad. will miss her so much don't want her to go away. will miss her. am so sad. can know that she must cross soon. can know she has illness that cannot go away. but will miss her. have tried to make her better. can't fix what can't be fixed. am sorry. am sorry. am sorry. tried so hard. am sorry. am sorry. am sorry. tried so hard. so sorry for skinny mom. so sad. am sorry.
[ 4 comments ] ( 32 views ) | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 3.1 / 1758 )Monday, August 4, 2008, 09:08 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
thinking about things. thinking about mother goddess. loves halo. loves indigo. am glad. thinking about angry desert god. don't know why he thinks we're no good. is ok. not following angry desert god. not hurting body. not cutting. angry desert god always said blood pays for sins. mother goddess doesn't ask for blood. only asks for love and give love when we pray. am glad. went to lughnasadh sabbat. saw nice people. druids are nice. not afraid of us.
was thinking about mom. skinny mom. poor skinny mom. has become so sick. sick for a long time. don't want her to be sick, but her body is damaged. can't get better. will have to cross the veil. will miss her. don't want her to go, but she will. am sad to see her in suck bad health. she served angry desert god for too long. angry desert god made her sick because angry desert god is mean. she doesn't love angry desert god anymore. loves the mother goddess now. am glad. goddess loves people.
been thinking that it's easier to think more clearly. was not always this way. was not always able to think fully. many things have changed. have become more person and less creature. have changed a lot. have friends. not as scary. can love friends. can be okay. am feeling real. can think. is good.
[ 2 comments ] ( 10 views ) | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 2.9 / 937 )Sunday, July 6, 2008, 05:46 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
sad to have to leave. doris is dark mom. nice friend. not afraid of halo. will miss doris. gave halo lots of hugs. not afraid of halo. has been good. good to have dark mom. will miss doris and clint, lucy and angel. accepting of halo. not afraid. am glad. good to not be feared. good to be loved. good to be like a person not like a creature. am good. been good. will miss doris-mom. glad for this week. sad to go.
[ 2 comments ] ( 4 views ) | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 3 / 1106 )Thursday, June 26, 2008, 06:47 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
was okay today. not haunted. just tired. really tired. wish to sleep. can't sleep during the day. just tired. am ok. not in danger. am okay. will be okay. am okay. just tired.
indigo incarnated until 3:30pm. lost energy then. halo helps. can make body work until he has energy to come back. halo helps. am good.
bright outside. like night better. sun is too bright. indigo bought sunglasses for halo. helps. can see when not blinded by sunlight.
am home now. am safe. is okay. can rest. will be okay. no more duties to do today. can rest. will be okay. safe for indigo to come back. will be okay when he has energy. will be okay.
[ 3 comments ] ( 3 views ) | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 2.8 / 1494 )Wednesday, June 25, 2008, 09:18 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
was at counselor. couldn't talk to her. wanted to. could not. tried to. could not. she asked: what does "if we don't move, they can't see us" mean? wanted to say.
bad memory. long ago. bad place. bad people. wanted to talk. couldn't make it happen. was mute.
we remember that place. living in fear. hungry all the time. bad place. bad father. bad people. living in fear. hate being afraid. felt like a coward. am not a coward. felt like a coward. hated how it used to be. wanted to never be seen.
didn't like being hit. didn't like being tortured. bad.
remembered. a time. we locked ourselves in the bathroom. was going to be beaten. remembering the fear. lock disassembled bit by bit. taunted. threatened. lock came apart. tried to hold the door shut. body was too small. couldn't keep the door shut.
dragged out onto porch. held down. kicked and punched. kicked and punched. kicked and punched. slapped. taunted. was bad. was afraid. hurt. hurt. hurt. hated being hurt. hated that place. hated being called a coward. hated being hit. hated being kicked.
wanted to not move. wanted to not be seen.
we learned from that. learned to try to not be seen. learned to shut up. learned to be quiet. learned to stay out of the way. learned to try to never need.
learned to live with being afraid.
was called a coward.
am not a coward. am not a coward. am not a coward.
hate myself. am not bad. am not evil. am not bad. am not a coward. hate myself. hate myself.
wanted to talk about this. could not talk. could not make it happen.
a dead horror. don't want it to have power over us.
[ 5 comments ] ( 18 views ) | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 3 / 2112 )Monday, June 16, 2008, 06:13 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
hates the father-monster's words. always said am bad, am defective, am worthless, am shameful.
hate myself. hate being freak. hate beung cast away. father-monster hated us. scorned us. shamed us.
place in the darkness
if we don't move, they can't see us
not afraid of the dark
hated having to steal for food
hated seeing dog get fed but not us
hated not eating
hated being hated
cares nothng for fathers day
just a day
just a day
a dead horror
will not be haunted
hate myself. hate how it was. hate having those thoughts. hate having memories. dead horrors.
am not afraid of the dark
am not afraid to cut
am not afraid to see our blood
feel numb
am not undead
am alive
feel numb
want to cut. am not cutting. want to bleed. am not bleeding. blood pays for sins. didn't do anything wrong. blood pays for sins. we didn't do it. didn't do anything wrong. didn't do anything wrong. hated living in fear. hated feeling like a coward. hated being afraid all the time. hated being hit. hated being hungry.
am not a coward. am not a coward. am not afraid of the dark. am not afraid to cut. am not afraid to bleed.
death is easy. living is hard. am not a coward. will not destroy this body with knives and scissors.
have seen the heart of darkness.
am what remains. we did not die.
[ 5 comments ] ( 16 views ) | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 3 / 2183 )Back Next
