Wednesday, June 25, 2008, 09:18 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
was at counselor. couldn't talk to her. wanted to. could not. tried to. could not. she asked: what does "if we don't move, they can't see us" mean? wanted to say.
bad memory. long ago. bad place. bad people. wanted to talk. couldn't make it happen. was mute.
we remember that place. living in fear. hungry all the time. bad place. bad father. bad people. living in fear. hate being afraid. felt like a coward. am not a coward. felt like a coward. hated how it used to be. wanted to never be seen.
didn't like being hit. didn't like being tortured. bad.
remembered. a time. we locked ourselves in the bathroom. was going to be beaten. remembering the fear. lock disassembled bit by bit. taunted. threatened. lock came apart. tried to hold the door shut. body was too small. couldn't keep the door shut.
dragged out onto porch. held down. kicked and punched. kicked and punched. kicked and punched. slapped. taunted. was bad. was afraid. hurt. hurt. hurt. hated being hurt. hated that place. hated being called a coward. hated being hit. hated being kicked.
wanted to not move. wanted to not be seen.
we learned from that. learned to try to not be seen. learned to shut up. learned to be quiet. learned to stay out of the way. learned to try to never need.
learned to live with being afraid.
was called a coward.
am not a coward. am not a coward. am not a coward.
hate myself. am not bad. am not evil. am not bad. am not a coward. hate myself. hate myself.
wanted to talk about this. could not talk. could not make it happen.
a dead horror. don't want it to have power over us.
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( 3 / 2159 )Wednesday, June 25, 2008, 06:14 AM
Indigo Incarnates
I managed to survive a truly hellish day yesterday. I went in to work on about three hours sleep and with a churning stomach. I did hold down breakfast, but it didn't settle well. I had eight cases instead of five because my lazy coworker called out again. (Side note: where the heck does she get all this leave time from?!) Thankfully our useless Training Coordinator saddled me with only one trainee yesterday. But... Wow... Yesterday was really, really tough. I did it, however. Halo helped when I ran out of energy towards the end of the day. But the work got done.
None of the eight defendants had jobs, of course. One was a drug-addicted career criminal who was griping about how he was homeless now as a result of those mean old cops arresting him. Of course, the arrest was concerning a domestic violence charge, where he made the smooth move of beating up his wife who had a job and was paying all the bills. Gee... she kicked him out. Well, better late than never, I suppose.
My stomach feels better today, and I got some sleep. I'm not back to 100% yet, but I'm getting there. I should be just fine by tomorrow. Little things like food poisoning can't keep a changeling down! We're made of sterner stuff, ha ha!
It's only one week until I get to see my friend Doris in South Carolina. It'll be so great! She said her family is excited about meeting me too. I'm also going to Six Flags with my friend Jeff on Saturday, so that should be a lot of fun. I love roller coasters!
Poor Jeff... He likes martial arts so much, but he keeps getting injured doing it. I know what it's like to love a hobby but not excel at it. I wanted to be an artist once (in high school) and I regrettably have no talent in that regard (and that's not false modesty. I really can't paint or draw. Oh well). I used to do martial arts ten years ago. I wasn't good at it to begin with and it became an impossibility after I was injured in a completely unrelated diving accident that left me with just enough of a reduction in balance and dexterity that I couldn't do the moves anymore. Life goes on. It could have been so much worse. I'm not in a wheelchair, so I count myself lucky. Really lucky.
Today is the biweekly staff meeting. What a snooze that thing is. I'll try to stay awake, har har. On the bright side, my raise kicks in on the next payday. Yay!
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( 3.1 / 1136 )Monday, June 23, 2008, 10:00 PM
halo incarnates
stomach is upset. must have had bad food. stomach churns. uncomfortable.
am tired. body is tired. long drive today.
was good to visit the Cruel Mother. is her nickname. not really cruel. comes from a bad lullaby. likes her nickname. Cruel Mother was glad for visit. glad to do sabbat. glad her weight is up again. Cruel Mother gets too skinnym gets really sick. we worry.
stomach is upset. icky. churning. want it to stop.
sad too. don't want to be seen. don't want to move. want to cut. didn't cut. need to cut. didn't cut. don't like cutting, but need to sometimes.
am tired. sad. frustrated. feel trapped in this body. not afraid of the dark. not feeling well. tired.
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( 3 / 1109 )Sunday, June 22, 2008, 01:27 PM
Indigo Incarnates
The great thing about visiting mom in Altoona is having a couple of days of not having to actually DO anything. We usually just watch cheesy sci-fi and then get a nice dinner somewhere. We watched some dreadful SCI-FI channel movie that involved some were-tiger chewing up some redneck town. Yee-haw!
We got a nice breakfast at Kings, and we beat the church crowd there since we arrived at 9:00am. Yay. I was happy to see that mom actually ate most of her breakfast. She has trouble maintaining her weight because she doesn't like to eat. But it's good to see her eating. She's always too thin, but she's not as deathly skinn y as she has been in the past, so that's good.
We went to Chimney Rocks Park to do our Litha Sabbat (for the solstice). I was happy that mom participated. She's been getting more interested in Wicca. We got to the park early enough that the only other people there were two joggers. They gave us the evil eye when we set up the ritual circle, but I didn't pay them any mind.
Oh... and mom LOVED the coffee maker that Doug and I got her for her birthday. Kewl!
It's a pretty nice day so far :)
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( 2.9 / 1167 )Saturday, June 21, 2008, 03:57 PM
Indigo Incarnates
Well... I was really glad for 4:30pm to roll by yesterday. It signalled the end of one of the toughest work weeks I've had in a while. Not only did my lazy coworker not show up for duty two days out of five, she did only half the amount of cases I did when she WAS there. Oh... And I had to train three employees because the Training Coordinator pretty much has a "hands off" approach to doing new-hire training, har har. So I was pretty exhausted.
On the bright side: I got two people arrested this week. One was a drug dealer and the other was a wife-beater. On the latter, he also had a VOP warrant for attempted murder. So I was happy to see him go away in cuffs.
Last night, however, was pretty nice. Doug and I got to meet Joanne and Ashley for dinner at Cracker Barrel. Finding veggy things to eat there is difficult, but it can be done. Yay! Joanne is the psychic one who can sort of "see" the other alters. I always fin that fascenating (and yet slightly disturbing at the same time!) I picked up a bag of Swedish Fish. Yummie! No trip to Cracker Barrel is complete without Swedish Fish. For those not in the know, Swedish Fish are little chewey candies shaped like fish.
We varied from our routine this morning. Doug found a new cafe to eat breakfast at, but we probably won't go there often. It wa REALLY expensive! But we didn't want to just get up and walk out, since... well... we'd feel kinda dumb, heh heh. Live and learn! At least the pancakes were good.
I did a 5.5 mile workout. I didn't want to do a super-workout, since I'm riving to PA tonight after my Wicca class. It's mom's birthday, so I bought her a new coffee maker. Her old one is so decrepit that it's held together with duct tape! Aaiieeee!!!
I also figured out how to adapt my MP3 player to the ancient car stereo without spending a lot of money. For a whopping $17.99, I bought a tape-to-MP3 adapter. So this little cartridge goes in the tape deck and my MP3 player attaches with a wire and plays through that. Kewl. That will come in handy tonight and come in REALLY handy in 11 days when I visit Doris.
Oh... to Pink, Java (Doris), Foam, and the others who wished me a happy Solstice -- THANKS! :) Bright Blessings!
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( 3 / 1208 )Thursday, June 19, 2008, 07:16 PM
Thistle Incarnates
Indigo is fatigued but he wanted this entry to be made. I do so.
his workday was psychologically taxing. He was given the task of instructing three recently hired employees while at the same time eing given a full duty load. He has a coworker who was given a lesser duty load and was not required to share the burden of instructing new employees. This gave indigo some measure of frustration.
He has finished half of a wiccan/pagan historical called "drawing down the moon". Indigo would like to have finished the book by now. He has difficulty maintaining focus for long periods of time.
He exercised this body. He worries often of regaining weight. It is a fear that the father-monster instilled in him
I was able to briefly converse with the mother of a friend who crossed the Veil this year. I was able to tell her that her daughter had a shining spirit in this life and that i think often of her.
It has been bright and sunny lately. I have energy. It is good to fly in sunlight. I am glad for this life. I am glad to be a companion spirit.
Blessed be
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( 3 / 1210 )Wednesday, June 18, 2008, 08:11 PM - Cool Stuff
Indigo Incarnates
I got approved for some vacation time in early July, so I will get to visit my friend Doris in South Carolina. Yay! Since my non-working lazy coworker was absent two days straight, I got my vacation slip posted before she could (she usually takes that week off). So when she comes in tomorrow and finds the vacation slot taken, I get to say "toooooo baaaaad", hee hee hee! I'd feel bad about it, but I've been picking up her slack for two years straight. Doris is a totally awesome friend. She has REALLY helped Halo stabilize over the past four months too. It'll be really nice seeing her, her husband, and her family.
Work wasn't as bad today as yesterday. I still got stuck with training new employees because the Training Coordinator mostly came around at the beginning of the day and barked out "Here's your trainees. Train them!" Her pay grade is about ten levels higher than mine, but I have no idea what she actually DOES; neither does anyone else. I think the problem she has is that she doesn't actually know what an intake investigator does, therefore she can't train the new recruits. Why she occupies that position, I couldn't say.
I was pleasantly surprised that one of the trainees had a couple questions about Wiccan ethics. So I explained that "sin" doesn't really exist in Wicca, but instead practitioners are to instead avoid harming others. Fundamentalist Christians always cite how sin-free they are while finding legalistic ways to do harm to others. Likewise, there are certain "sins" that don't really hurt anybody. In Wicca, the morality is a bit more clear-cut. If it hurts someone, don't do it; if it doesn't hurt someone, it's okay to do it. Wiccans care about the environment because the Earth is a gift from the God and Goddess and is also infused with Divine energy. Christians view the Earth as something disposable; they think once they finish raping/stripping the Earth, Jesus will miraculously show up and lift all the Christians straight to heaven. Egads. So... the trainee thought that was pretty interesting.
It was pretty cool after work. A storm rolled through Baltimore briefly. Thistle flew threw it and he really liked it. The sky was so full of potential energy. It made my skin tingle as Thistle flew. It was wonderful. Thistle was happy. :)
I'm visiting my mom this weekend. She's interested in Wicca too, so we're going to do a Litha Sabbat (Midsummer Solstice) prayer ritual while I'm visiting. Oh... since PA doesn't charge tax on clothes, I'm going to pick up some new threads as well. Yay!
So... Today was a pretty good day. :)
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( 3 / 1352 )Tuesday, June 17, 2008, 09:33 PM - Random Thoughts
Indigo Incarnates
I won't call it a "bad" day, since nothing really bad happened. I will say it wasn't the luckiest day I ever had, however. I got stuck with training three new trainees at work on a really busy day. We have a Training Coordinator who seems to do basically nothing, since the Investigation unit always ends up doing all of the new-hire training. The Coordinator mostly sits in her office and/or comes out and barks orders. That's pretty much what she did today. Yowza.
I lost energy for a little while today, but Halo was able to incarnate for half an hour. That time was enough for me to regain enough energy to incarnate the rest of my duty shift. One of my coworkers is psychic and she can see when other people incarnate, so she noticed Halo. Fortunately, it doesn't seem like anyone else did.
So... I totally hate my T-Mobile phone but I can't upgrade until December. I have a spare Cingular phone that I like, but they won't give me the subsidy unlock code. To add insult to injury, they made me wait a WEEK to tell me they wouldn't do it. Yes, they cited a one-week waiting period for the code. At the end of the week, I called back and the person said that my request had been refused. And they wonder why AT&T/Cingular scored rock bottom for customer service?
My "Bush Bribery Check" came and I put it in the bank (btw... the $600 isn't going to make me vote Republican -- now or ever), so I wanted to get a new stereo for my 2001 Accord. Alas, Circuit City can't adapt a new stereo to a really old car. ::blech:: I wanted an iPod dock for the car. I guess that's not going to happen. Well, I'm planning on buying a hybrid in 2011 anyway. Heck with it.
On the bright side, I DID get to have a nice dinner with my beloved partner, Doug. And it's looking like I might be able to visit my friend Doris for a few days next month. Oh, and I've been given a "Blog With A Purpose" award by San. Yay!!!
So, it's not ALL bad luck today :)
And hey, the great thing about Wicca is that we don't have YHVH slamming our heads against rocks for His own amusement. In Wicca, sometimes "shit happens", heh heh.
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( 3 / 1227 )Monday, June 16, 2008, 06:13 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
hates the father-monster's words. always said am bad, am defective, am worthless, am shameful.
hate myself. hate being freak. hate beung cast away. father-monster hated us. scorned us. shamed us.
place in the darkness
if we don't move, they can't see us
not afraid of the dark
hated having to steal for food
hated seeing dog get fed but not us
hated not eating
hated being hated
cares nothng for fathers day
just a day
just a day
a dead horror
will not be haunted
hate myself. hate how it was. hate having those thoughts. hate having memories. dead horrors.
am not afraid of the dark
am not afraid to cut
am not afraid to see our blood
feel numb
am not undead
am alive
feel numb
want to cut. am not cutting. want to bleed. am not bleeding. blood pays for sins. didn't do anything wrong. blood pays for sins. we didn't do it. didn't do anything wrong. didn't do anything wrong. hated living in fear. hated feeling like a coward. hated being afraid all the time. hated being hit. hated being hungry.
am not a coward. am not a coward. am not afraid of the dark. am not afraid to cut. am not afraid to bleed.
death is easy. living is hard. am not a coward. will not destroy this body with knives and scissors.
have seen the heart of darkness.
am what remains. we did not die.
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( 3 / 2230 )Sunday, June 15, 2008, 10:52 AM
Indigo Incarnates
Dewey (aka Doug, aka my beloved partner) tagged me with a MeMe thing, so here goes:
In five syllables, describe your worst movie.
In seven syllables, describe your worst date
In five syllables, describe your worst job.
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"Glitter"
Now, I'm usually a big fan of rotten movies that are poorly done. After all, I've watched "Dune" dozens of times ("I... see the truth of it now.") And I LOVE the MST3K series. But Glitter was just too much to take.
"Glitter" was a movie about a woman from the ghetto trying to make it big in the recording industry. The acting was ghastly. The sound processing was just unbelievably awful. For instance, many scenes were filmed in various nightclubs and the background music was so LOUD that you actually couldn't hear the dialogue! I had to put on the Closed Captioning just so I could know what's going on. And lemme tell ya: understanding the dialogue didn't help. It was just once cliche after another. It was one of perhaps five movies in my whole life that I've turned off without watching the whole thing.
CLICHE MOVIE, BAD SOUND
* * * * * * * * * * *
"Worst Date Ever"
Before I met Doug, I had a date with a charming guy who (after a few dates) invited me to his parents house for dinner. I was thinking "how nice!" Well... What I didn't know was that he was STILL IN THE CLOSET, and that he decided to choose that evening to tell his parents that he was gay. Egads!
So, here I am, in an ultra blue-collar neighborhood in Dundalk, having dinner with my lover's family. His dad was a plumber whose biceps were almost as big around as my thighs. Oy! And here's my lover saying, "Mom, Dad, I have to tell you something: I'm gay and this is my lover."
Stunned silence.
Then the Plumber-dad-who-could-benchpress-a-Buick said, "Son, why'd you bring this goddamned faggot around my house?!"
Needless to say, I didn't stay for dessert!
OUTED AT DINNER, KICKED OUT
* * * * * * * * * * *
"Roof Systems Design"
I was an indentured servant once. In order to pay for college, I agreed to work for my sociopath father for three years following college. Egads. Yeah, it was a deal with the devil, but I did want to have an education, and father-monster wasn't about to give me anything for FREE. So, I did a $40k job for $16k for three years as part of the deal. I held up my end, but father-monster enjoyed having three more years in which he could be cruel and nasty to me.
So... for three years, I had to put up with slave wages, a 50-60 hour workweek (w/ no overtime paid), getting stiffed on travel expenses, and having him humiliate me in front of his clients with barefaced lies like "Well, yeah, I took pity on him because he's not really all that smart and no one would hire him". I missed exactly ONE day due to illness over a 3-year period and he never forgave me -- ever. He screamed at me at work and blamed me for everything that went wrong (like, gasp, a company truck with 250,000 miles on it *suddenly* needing tires, brakes, a tune-up, and a battery). Yeah, he actually demanded angrily "What the f--- did you do to the f---ing truck?!" Uh... it's 8 years old and past it mileage warranty by a factor of 4x.
Then he had a relapse in his alcoholism (he was a "functional" alcoholic before, but the last year I worked for him he just slid into the abyss). So, he'd skip work for weeks at a time. Meanwhile, we lost all our clients because HE was the only one with contract-signing capability for the company (see, he liked having the POWER). So, when there was work to be done but El Heffe wasn't around to authorize the work, the clients went elsewhere. Oh, and the whole staff quit too, except for me and Robert.
So, the last few weeks I worked there, the old man sobered up a bit. He strode into the office one day and discovered that the staff was gone, the clients were gone, we were about to get evicted from the office, and the bank was furious about the overextended line-of-credit. So, instead of saying "I've been a goddamned drunk for ten months", he screamed at me "You've RUINED my BUSINESS!"
Well, I only had to put up with that crap for a couple weeks. It took me a whopping 48 hours to get hired somewhere else, and I held that job for ten years (moving from Sales Associate to District Manager int he process). So much for being "too stupid to get hired anywhere".
He DID, however, tell just about everyone in the roofing industry who would listen to him that I somehow managed to "sabotage" his business, and that I was "fired for incompetence". He left out the fact that he drained the company dry over a 14 year period, retired a multi-millionaire, and basically stiffed the bank on the corporate line of credit. He also left out the fact that the reason he lost his clients was that he was a falling-down drunk who never showed up for work for ten months straight.
Yeah... that was the worst job ever.
MEAN DRUNK BOSS, BAD DAD
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I'm tagging Java and Joan with this MeMe. Have Fun! :)
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