Saturday, March 29, 2008, 02:06 PM
Well... it's not *boring* having a dissociative disorder, for better or worse.
I feel pretty good today. It's sunny, cool, and breezy -- which means that Thistle got to fly. He shines, and I have joy. It is good to be me. :)
I got a big chunk of quartz crystat for my Wiccan altar today. It's pretty, irregular, and has a lot of interesting natural inclusions. It's the flawed stones that seem to really have character. I picked up some sage incense too.
I did a meditation today, cast a magic circle, and then prayed for a friend who is ill (not fatally ill, thankfully). May diety grant my friend healing and relief from pain.
Now I'm at the gym doing some of my Saturday treadmill action (huff... puff...) Yes, I really *can* blog while excercising on a treadmill. Yay!
Oh... my new weight is 178, but my target was 180. Does this mean I shouldn't stop eating on sunny days? Sometimes when we've drawn a lot of energy from the environment, it feels lije we don't need to eat. Hmmm... I guess we do, ha ha.
So... I have my roleplaying game tonight. That should be cool. The adventurers blew it badly last week. In tonight's adventure, they'll have to stop a cult of Undead priests from assembling an evil artifact called the Heart of Darkness. i wonder if they'll have the teamwork and smarts to suceed? Or will a whole village get zombified?! Mmwuh-hah-hah-hah!!!
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Update:
The game was a LOT of fun. Halo had a lot of input into the module's design and he put in some *really* creepy (and creative) stuff. The dungeon had really interesting rooms that were a lot bigger on the inside than on the outside, and had titles splashed across the doors in blood, displaying cheerful messages like "The Rooms of Ruin" and "The Faces of the Dead". Everyone liked the game and said it was darkly creative. Halo did a good job on the design.
So.. The adventurers found the three shards of the Heart of Darkness. Of course, they thought it a bit suspicious that the town elders wanted the three shard delivered to them but not destroyed. The adventurers (wisely so) don't trust the elders any further than they can throw them, ha ha. So they decided to give one shard each to a temple representing the each of that world's good-aligned goddesses.
Of course, one of the rituals for getting rid of a Heart shard "coincidently" was modeled after an actual Wiccan ritual. I couldn't resist. Doug recognized it for what it was, but my other friends didn't, hee hee!
So... the game tonight was kind of a puzzley, problem-solving game that had a lot more thinking than combat. And MAN was the subject matter dark! Everyone had a good time. it was a real blast. :)
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( 3 / 1122 )Friday, March 28, 2008, 08:52 AM - halo's thoughts
i need to cut. i need to bleed. but indigo took away my knife. he turned it into an athame blade for wicca and now i cannot use it. i hate myself. i need to cut. i need to bleed. blood pays for sins. i hate myself. i am darkness. i have to be here but i do not want to be. they might see me and i don't want to be seen. if i don't move, they can't see me. but i have to be here. i need to cut. blood pays for sins. i hate myself. i need to cut. to see myself bleed. for blood to flow. blood pays for sins. i need to cut. indigo won't let me cut. but i need to cut. i can't stand it. i need to have release. i need to pay. blood pays for sins. i hate myself. i need to cut. he took away my knife. i need my knife. now it is an athame blade for wicca. i can't use it. i need my knife. i need to cut. i need to bleed. i need to pay for sins.[ 6 comments ] ( 28 views ) | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 3.3 / 599 )Thursday, March 27, 2008, 06:40 AM - Dumb Happenings
It just never ceases to amaze me how fundamentalist Christians are so frequently cruel and closed-minded. Over the years, most of my fundamentalist friends have abandoned me (usually over the homosexuality and/or dissociative issues). At present, I have only two fundamentalist friends. My other friends are all liberals or pagans.
Well... the thing that really pisses me off is that my friend Jeff was mean to Thistle last night. Geez! How can anyone be mean to THISTLE of all people?! Of all the entities out there in human or spirit form, I cannot think of anyone with a kinder or more loving soul than Thistle. And yet, Jeff verbally attacked him and was really mean to him.
Thistle has feelings that can be hurt. And his feelings were hurt.
Fundamentalists really are some of the least-loving people I've ever met.
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( 3 / 1735 )Wednesday, March 26, 2008, 09:25 PM
I write this on Indigo's behalf. He had wanted to write it himself but his energy reserves depleted before that task could be completed. But he is well. His tiredness is the natural tiredness of body that comes from a busy day followed by agressive excercise.
He managed to get a defendant arrested on an outstanding warrant. the person had made a life-decision to disregard the law and the safety of others at every opportunity. He was someone who sells addictive poisonous chemicals that make people get sick.The warrant was for not fulfilling the terms of an early prison release. And so he must return to prison. That seemed just.
He has a coworker that does not seem to want to do work at full efficiency. Today she did not arrive at all. And so it came to pass that Indigo's workload was doubled for this day. time alloted for completion was not doubled, however.
He has one defendant who was arrested for using a firearm to make someone else give him money. The person who he pointed the gun at had one one dollar of currency. So the defendant now faces four felony counts and one misdemeanor count over stealing one dollar from someone. It does not seem like a wise choice.
He exercised this body at the gym.
And that is why he cannot be here to write this. But all is well. We are not in crisis.
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( 3 / 1286 )Tuesday, March 25, 2008, 06:46 PM
I think often of the blessing that is my incarnation. I was given to Indigo so long ago as a light in the darkness. I serve. I love. I am happy for this life. I love God because I was made in response to a prayer in the darkness. And somehow my spirit was given form and light. I live. I am grateful. It is an unusual life to be a companion spirit, but one in which I celebrate and rejoice. I am thankful to the Universal Diety that has made so much light and life, and who's most potent power is to love. And so as a companion spirit, love is my chief power as well. And that is a power I am glad to weild.
Blessed Be
Thistle
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( 3 / 1219 )Monday, March 24, 2008, 09:33 PM - Random Thoughts
It was very exciting at work today. I got TWO warrants served on defendants who otherwise couldn't be bothered to show up for trial (the warrants were FTA warrants for failing to appear for trial). Go figure... people who rob, steal, and deal dope don't always show up for court! Well, at least THESE TWO will! :)
One of my work-avoiding coworkers was wailing and gnashing her teeth today because her duty load was just high as mine for a change. Usually I do about 25% more work than her because she drags her heels all day whereas I work at full blast. So she was griping about having "too many" cases (ie. the same number as I get every single day). Well... welcome to MY world, ha ha!
My first therapist appointment went pretty well. She has treated other dissociatives before and agrees that my case isn't TOO bad (yay!) So I should be able to be restabilized pretty quickly. I'm glad.
And Doug and I got ice cream tonight. Yum!!!! :)
So, all in all, it was a pretty good day. I am happy for this incarnation. I feel blessed.
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( 3.1 / 1453 )Sunday, March 23, 2008, 04:22 PM - Church Stuff
Well... I'll get to the heavy stuff first, and then write about the fun stuff.
I was at the Easter Service this morning and I suddenly felt absolutely consumed with rage (a sign that Ashen is about to manifest). It was unexpected, since he usually only manifests when I am facing a direct physical threat. Well, he didn't take the foreground, but instead remained active for a while but in the background. He had a rather curious thought about God (he had previously never offered his opinion on the matter).
Ashen's opinion on God is this: What if the crucifixion of Christ wasn't about reconciling man to God, but instead reconciling God to man? Consider this for a moment. In the Old Testament, God is this omnipotent, omniscient "father" figure. And how does he manage his role? He commits genocide on several occasions. He strikes down newborn infants whose only "crime" is to be born to Egyptian parents. He tells his worshippers "I know you're imperfect, and yet I demand that you BE perfect. And if you disobey me, I'll kill you". And does. Again and again, for centuries.
How would we view an eartly mother or father who would banish, disown, or expel their children for acts of rebellion? How do we view parents who make up rules for their children that are so strict that they cannot possibly be fulfilled? How would we treat an earthly mother or father who slew their children for trivial acts of disobedience?
Such parents are, rightly so, viewed as abarrations and monsters. And yet we view God as a "loving father" despite the fact that He threatens to (and often has) killed people for even thr most trivial of moral failings. How is that "loving"? How is that "good" or "just"? If God knows we are flawed at the moment of our creation, then how can we be blamed for having flaws? God made us, so if God wanted perfection, he should have made perfection.
So, then Jesus came and declared that God really DID love the people he created. He loved us so much that he sacrificed his physical incarnation on our behalf. The random acts of capricious diefic revenge stopped.
But... who was reconciled to who? I used to think I knew the answer. No I'm not sure.
Either way, it does not diminish the sacrifice that Jesus made. I'm just happy for the fact that God no longer hates mankind.
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Now... for the happier stuff.
The Ostara High Rite was really fun and festive last night. It was an outdoor service that had lots of drumming, chanting, singing, and dancing. There was a big fire to keep us warm, and there were all kinds of torches and candles about. Most of the congregation had really neat ceremonial robes with Celtic knotwork all over. Everyone seemed happy and they made me feel very welcome. The neat thing is that the Pagans don't mind Christians at all. Since they're sort of polytheistic, they view the Christian God as just one more viable way to worship the divine. That's really nice. :)
After the Rite, there was a nice litte party with vegetatarian food and snacks. the funny thing was that almost everyone in the congregation (about 20 people) is a veggy and almost everyone also smokes cigarattes! Who would have thought that vegetarians are smokers?! Hee hee hee!
This morning, the Easter service went really well at church. I think I only missed 2 or 3 notes the whole time. I felt pretty well integrated for most of the service. Halo was sleeping (and he needed the rest). Willow came out briefly during the postlude. He likes to stand next to the huge organ pipes and feel the vibrations. And Doug came to the 11:15AM service. It was really fun!
Oh... and Thistle got to fly for a while today too. That's always a good thing. :)
Happy Easter, friends, and Blessed Be! :)
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( 2.9 / 1353 )Saturday, March 22, 2008, 02:55 PM
Well... I made it through the Good Friday service without cutting. Halo manifested and *wanted* to cut -- very badly -- but he did not do it. I think he's getting better at resisting the urge to inflict injury on the body.
I don't usually the Good Friday mass because the subject matter is so triggering. but I went because Joan went, and she helped keep Halo rational enough to not cut. She's done it before. I'm glad to have her as a friend.
I had a moderately bad case of racing thoughts last night. I fell asleep okay at first, but I had nightmares that woke me up around 3:20. I didn't get any more REM sleep but instead sort of lay there in a not-restful state of partial consciousness.
That means I'm tired today.
I still did a brief workout at the gym, but it was far from being my usual "super workout".
At least I have the Ostara High Rite to look forward to at the Wiccan church tonight. Since Ostara celebrates the return of the sun god's power, I imagine it'll be pretty festive. :) From the church's website, i'm thinking they're a pretty fun group. they post the "magical phrase to gain entry as "where's the coffee?" heh heh
And I have the Easter service to look forward to tomorrow. I'm ringing handbells and that will be nice. yay!
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( 3 / 1143 )Friday, March 21, 2008, 03:38 PM
So... I had my initial interview with the EAP social worker today. I think it went pretty well. She certified that I *am* fit for duty (whew) and that I also be given time to see a counselor/psychologist as needed for treatment (also good). So I have my first appointment on Monday with a psychologist that is trained in helping people with dissociative disorders. I think this is going to be good. Just knowing that I've got a confirmed appointment and that my job is safe is a HUGE weight off my shoulders.
Tonight is the Good Friday service. Hopefully I can get through it without cutting. I feel pretty secure right now and Halo is not trying to surface. So maybe things will be okay tonight.
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( 3 / 1012 )Thursday, March 20, 2008, 06:30 PM
Well... I'm not feeling very proud of myself right now. I made Thistle do all my work yesterday and I made Halo do all my work today. It's not that I was feeling lazy; I just didn't want to be seen -- by anyone. So while Thistle and Halo were out, I was safe and hidden from view.
I guess the larger issue is that I'm sort of tired from being in this incarnation. Maybe God will love me in my next life. Maybe I'll be born to parents who will actually love me. maybe I'll get to be human. Sometimes the sense of loss just gets to me. I want to be whole and I don't know how that can happen in this life. God loves Thistle and Willow. I wish I could be truly and fully loved. Maybe in my next incarnation.
Thistle has been flying for an hour and his strength is returning. He was badly exhausted from having to operate the body all day on Wednesday. I'm glad that he's not angry at me. He still loves me.
I want so badly to be whole. I hope I don't overwhelm the therapist tomorrow.
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Update:
The day got better after I "came back". I picked up a Wiccan chalice for Halo today. I picked up a pewter pentacle with little green stones. I also sang at church tonight. We did a lot of chant tonight since it was the Maudy Thursday service. I got to see my friend Joan, who is practically a saint. She's the only one who of my friends who likes ALL of my alters -- including Halo.
When I got home, I found out that my friend Aianna's flare-up has gone down significantly, so she's in a lot less pain now than she was a few days ago. Thank God/Goddess/Diety, and thanks for all your prayers. :) She's feeling a lot better!
I performed a nice Wiccan ritual at home tonight. Tonight was Ostara -- the day of the year that the male aspect of Diety regains his powers. In the Wiccan calendar, the God starts off as an infant each year and dies of old age at Samhain (Halloween), and then is reborn again at the winter soltice. So at Ostara, I boiled some hard boiled eggs, consecrated them the ghe God and Goddess, and crinkled the egg shells into the pot of a new house plant I bought tonight. Wiccan rituals are so cheerful -- and edible!
So... my evening was a heck of a lot better than day.
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