Monday, March 24, 2008, 09:33 PM - Random Thoughts
It was very exciting at work today. I got TWO warrants served on defendants who otherwise couldn't be bothered to show up for trial (the warrants were FTA warrants for failing to appear for trial). Go figure... people who rob, steal, and deal dope don't always show up for court! Well, at least THESE TWO will! :)
One of my work-avoiding coworkers was wailing and gnashing her teeth today because her duty load was just high as mine for a change. Usually I do about 25% more work than her because she drags her heels all day whereas I work at full blast. So she was griping about having "too many" cases (ie. the same number as I get every single day). Well... welcome to MY world, ha ha!
My first therapist appointment went pretty well. She has treated other dissociatives before and agrees that my case isn't TOO bad (yay!) So I should be able to be restabilized pretty quickly. I'm glad.
And Doug and I got ice cream tonight. Yum!!!! :)
So, all in all, it was a pretty good day. I am happy for this incarnation. I feel blessed.
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( 3.1 / 1453 )Sunday, March 23, 2008, 04:22 PM - Church Stuff
Well... I'll get to the heavy stuff first, and then write about the fun stuff.
I was at the Easter Service this morning and I suddenly felt absolutely consumed with rage (a sign that Ashen is about to manifest). It was unexpected, since he usually only manifests when I am facing a direct physical threat. Well, he didn't take the foreground, but instead remained active for a while but in the background. He had a rather curious thought about God (he had previously never offered his opinion on the matter).
Ashen's opinion on God is this: What if the crucifixion of Christ wasn't about reconciling man to God, but instead reconciling God to man? Consider this for a moment. In the Old Testament, God is this omnipotent, omniscient "father" figure. And how does he manage his role? He commits genocide on several occasions. He strikes down newborn infants whose only "crime" is to be born to Egyptian parents. He tells his worshippers "I know you're imperfect, and yet I demand that you BE perfect. And if you disobey me, I'll kill you". And does. Again and again, for centuries.
How would we view an eartly mother or father who would banish, disown, or expel their children for acts of rebellion? How do we view parents who make up rules for their children that are so strict that they cannot possibly be fulfilled? How would we treat an earthly mother or father who slew their children for trivial acts of disobedience?
Such parents are, rightly so, viewed as abarrations and monsters. And yet we view God as a "loving father" despite the fact that He threatens to (and often has) killed people for even thr most trivial of moral failings. How is that "loving"? How is that "good" or "just"? If God knows we are flawed at the moment of our creation, then how can we be blamed for having flaws? God made us, so if God wanted perfection, he should have made perfection.
So, then Jesus came and declared that God really DID love the people he created. He loved us so much that he sacrificed his physical incarnation on our behalf. The random acts of capricious diefic revenge stopped.
But... who was reconciled to who? I used to think I knew the answer. No I'm not sure.
Either way, it does not diminish the sacrifice that Jesus made. I'm just happy for the fact that God no longer hates mankind.
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Now... for the happier stuff.
The Ostara High Rite was really fun and festive last night. It was an outdoor service that had lots of drumming, chanting, singing, and dancing. There was a big fire to keep us warm, and there were all kinds of torches and candles about. Most of the congregation had really neat ceremonial robes with Celtic knotwork all over. Everyone seemed happy and they made me feel very welcome. The neat thing is that the Pagans don't mind Christians at all. Since they're sort of polytheistic, they view the Christian God as just one more viable way to worship the divine. That's really nice. :)
After the Rite, there was a nice litte party with vegetatarian food and snacks. the funny thing was that almost everyone in the congregation (about 20 people) is a veggy and almost everyone also smokes cigarattes! Who would have thought that vegetarians are smokers?! Hee hee hee!
This morning, the Easter service went really well at church. I think I only missed 2 or 3 notes the whole time. I felt pretty well integrated for most of the service. Halo was sleeping (and he needed the rest). Willow came out briefly during the postlude. He likes to stand next to the huge organ pipes and feel the vibrations. And Doug came to the 11:15AM service. It was really fun!
Oh... and Thistle got to fly for a while today too. That's always a good thing. :)
Happy Easter, friends, and Blessed Be! :)
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( 2.9 / 1353 )Saturday, March 22, 2008, 02:55 PM
Well... I made it through the Good Friday service without cutting. Halo manifested and *wanted* to cut -- very badly -- but he did not do it. I think he's getting better at resisting the urge to inflict injury on the body.
I don't usually the Good Friday mass because the subject matter is so triggering. but I went because Joan went, and she helped keep Halo rational enough to not cut. She's done it before. I'm glad to have her as a friend.
I had a moderately bad case of racing thoughts last night. I fell asleep okay at first, but I had nightmares that woke me up around 3:20. I didn't get any more REM sleep but instead sort of lay there in a not-restful state of partial consciousness.
That means I'm tired today.
I still did a brief workout at the gym, but it was far from being my usual "super workout".
At least I have the Ostara High Rite to look forward to at the Wiccan church tonight. Since Ostara celebrates the return of the sun god's power, I imagine it'll be pretty festive. :) From the church's website, i'm thinking they're a pretty fun group. they post the "magical phrase to gain entry as "where's the coffee?" heh heh
And I have the Easter service to look forward to tomorrow. I'm ringing handbells and that will be nice. yay!
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( 3 / 1143 )Friday, March 21, 2008, 03:38 PM
So... I had my initial interview with the EAP social worker today. I think it went pretty well. She certified that I *am* fit for duty (whew) and that I also be given time to see a counselor/psychologist as needed for treatment (also good). So I have my first appointment on Monday with a psychologist that is trained in helping people with dissociative disorders. I think this is going to be good. Just knowing that I've got a confirmed appointment and that my job is safe is a HUGE weight off my shoulders.
Tonight is the Good Friday service. Hopefully I can get through it without cutting. I feel pretty secure right now and Halo is not trying to surface. So maybe things will be okay tonight.
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( 3 / 1012 )Thursday, March 20, 2008, 06:30 PM
Well... I'm not feeling very proud of myself right now. I made Thistle do all my work yesterday and I made Halo do all my work today. It's not that I was feeling lazy; I just didn't want to be seen -- by anyone. So while Thistle and Halo were out, I was safe and hidden from view.
I guess the larger issue is that I'm sort of tired from being in this incarnation. Maybe God will love me in my next life. Maybe I'll be born to parents who will actually love me. maybe I'll get to be human. Sometimes the sense of loss just gets to me. I want to be whole and I don't know how that can happen in this life. God loves Thistle and Willow. I wish I could be truly and fully loved. Maybe in my next incarnation.
Thistle has been flying for an hour and his strength is returning. He was badly exhausted from having to operate the body all day on Wednesday. I'm glad that he's not angry at me. He still loves me.
I want so badly to be whole. I hope I don't overwhelm the therapist tomorrow.
==================================================================
Update:
The day got better after I "came back". I picked up a Wiccan chalice for Halo today. I picked up a pewter pentacle with little green stones. I also sang at church tonight. We did a lot of chant tonight since it was the Maudy Thursday service. I got to see my friend Joan, who is practically a saint. She's the only one who of my friends who likes ALL of my alters -- including Halo.
When I got home, I found out that my friend Aianna's flare-up has gone down significantly, so she's in a lot less pain now than she was a few days ago. Thank God/Goddess/Diety, and thanks for all your prayers. :) She's feeling a lot better!
I performed a nice Wiccan ritual at home tonight. Tonight was Ostara -- the day of the year that the male aspect of Diety regains his powers. In the Wiccan calendar, the God starts off as an infant each year and dies of old age at Samhain (Halloween), and then is reborn again at the winter soltice. So at Ostara, I boiled some hard boiled eggs, consecrated them the ghe God and Goddess, and crinkled the egg shells into the pot of a new house plant I bought tonight. Wiccan rituals are so cheerful -- and edible!
So... my evening was a heck of a lot better than day.
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( 3.1 / 1127 )Wednesday, March 19, 2008, 08:46 AM - Dissociation & Switching
I make this entry again because Indigo does not want to occupy the foreground. More and more, he desires to not be in the foreground. that duty becomes delagated to me (Thistle) or Halo. Indigo wants to cross the Veil and begin a new life, but this physical incarnation is perhaps only halfway through its time.But he is tired and fatigued from this existence. I don't want him to go away. I am supposed to be his spiritual guide and companion spirit. How can I be so if he goes away?
He has somehow lost the will to live. That is not the same thing as being suicidal. He doesn't want to commit suicide, but he does not want to be the primary alter. He does want to restart his life again. That is why he wants to cross the Veil.
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( 3 / 1685 )Tuesday, March 18, 2008, 08:29 AM
if we don't move, they can't see us.
if we don't move, they can't touch us.
if we don't move, they can't hurt us.
halo
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( 2.9 / 1237 )Monday, March 17, 2008, 07:21 PM - Stupid Criminals
It was very exciting at work today. I had a ddefendant with not one, but TWO open warrants. And she was a real piece of work! She was mean, coarse, and utterly without class. She was a daily pot-head with two small children under her "care". Her current charge was Assault w/Deadly Weapon (classy). Her two warrants (surprise, surprise) were also for Assault w/Deadly Weapon. Looking at her RAP sheet, she's had a long string of violent offenses.
Well, she was also a high school dropout and unemployed. She said she smoked marijuana every day for 15 years (which meant she started at age 11. Nice.) So, I can infer that she injured her children by using drugs while pregnant. I am really, REALLY hoping that Child Protective Services takes her kids away.
I also had two defendants that were getting a free ride from Social Security for really trivial conditions. One person was getting an $800/month check, free health insurance, subsidized housing, and free groceries becaus ehe had a diagnosis of depression. Aother was getting a free ride for having "attention deficit disorder". Cripes! ADHD isn't even a real illness! It's some phony disgnosis invented by the pharmacutical industry for selling ritalin to young boys (and then frying their brains with that drug). So... I was thinking... Where's MY free money?! I've got a dissociative disorder and I've only missed five days of work in 15 years!
On a more serious note, I have a friend who has a very painful (but thankfully not fatal) nerve disease that's really been giving her trouble for the past two days. I can't spell it, but pheonetically, it "fibromialogia" or womehting to that effect. She goes through periods where it's not too bad and other periods where it really flares up. Right now she's in a pretty bad flare-up. Her name's Aianna. If anyone who reads this could spare a prayer or two to the benevolent deity of your choice, it sure would be appreciated!
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( 3 / 2302 )Sunday, March 16, 2008, 10:00 PM - Cool Stuff
Today marks some pretty good things that have been going on for 30 days (or a few days longer).
-- I haven't performed any retaliatory acts of road rage.
-- I haven't told any beggars to "get jobs".
-- I've been a vegetarian for a full month.
-- I've been studying Wicca for a full month.
-- Halo hasn't inflicted injury on our shared body in a month.
So... things are looking pretty positive :)
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( 3 / 1260 )Sunday, March 16, 2008, 05:32 PM - Random Thoughts
Well... I can only blame myself for getting four hours sleep last night. The cause wasn't psychological or spiritual, but instead was 100% mundane. It all started last night, heh heh.
So, we played my World of Gaianar roleplaying game last night (after yesterday's blog entry). It was pretty fun since the adventure involved a time-travel puzzle in which the adventerures completely screwed up by making terrible choices (the Gunslinger ended up violating his ethos and has temporarily lost his powers). Well, Jeff called me before the game and said, "Hey, bring over a Dunkin Donuts' "Box o Joe". So I did. Well, Rich came up with the exact same idea independently on his own. So here we were with four players (me, Doug, Rich and Jeff) and two GALLONS of hot coffee. Well, heck... we didn't want to let all that coffee go to waste. Between the four of us we polished off two gallons of hot coffee.
Needless to say, the game ran at a BRISK pace, which is also probably why the players made uncharacteristically bad choices, heh heh. In the end, it turns out that the adventurers served as the original cause of a problem that made half a town vanish into a limestone sinkhole, har har. In other words, they were the cause of the very problem they were charged with solving!
Yeah... trying to sleep after all that coffee... right... sorta didn't work out so well.
And today was Palm Sunday -- one of the darkest services in the Christian calendar. Halo manifested and sheilded me from hearing the content of the first service (the betrayal/torture/murder of Jesus Christ). I was really grateful for that, even though it means his own burden increased by some small increment as a reault. He protected me for the first service and part of the second (basically, he held the foreground until Communion in the second service).
So, I'm tired today.
At least I got a chance to sign up for the Wicca 101 class. It actually starts April 28. That should be pretty cool.
And this morning, I had my last cup of coffee at 7:45AM, so at least I didn't REPEAT yesterday's mistake!
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