Feeling Kinda Useless 
Thursday, March 20, 2008, 06:30 PM
Well... I'm not feeling very proud of myself right now. I made Thistle do all my work yesterday and I made Halo do all my work today. It's not that I was feeling lazy; I just didn't want to be seen -- by anyone. So while Thistle and Halo were out, I was safe and hidden from view.

I guess the larger issue is that I'm sort of tired from being in this incarnation. Maybe God will love me in my next life. Maybe I'll be born to parents who will actually love me. maybe I'll get to be human. Sometimes the sense of loss just gets to me. I want to be whole and I don't know how that can happen in this life. God loves Thistle and Willow. I wish I could be truly and fully loved. Maybe in my next incarnation.

Thistle has been flying for an hour and his strength is returning. He was badly exhausted from having to operate the body all day on Wednesday. I'm glad that he's not angry at me. He still loves me.

I want so badly to be whole. I hope I don't overwhelm the therapist tomorrow.

==================================================================

Update:

The day got better after I "came back". I picked up a Wiccan chalice for Halo today. I picked up a pewter pentacle with little green stones. I also sang at church tonight. We did a lot of chant tonight since it was the Maudy Thursday service. I got to see my friend Joan, who is practically a saint. She's the only one who of my friends who likes ALL of my alters -- including Halo.

When I got home, I found out that my friend Aianna's flare-up has gone down significantly, so she's in a lot less pain now than she was a few days ago. Thank God/Goddess/Diety, and thanks for all your prayers. :) She's feeling a lot better!

I performed a nice Wiccan ritual at home tonight. Tonight was Ostara -- the day of the year that the male aspect of Diety regains his powers. In the Wiccan calendar, the God starts off as an infant each year and dies of old age at Samhain (Halloween), and then is reborn again at the winter soltice. So at Ostara, I boiled some hard boiled eggs, consecrated them the ghe God and Goddess, and crinkled the egg shells into the pot of a new house plant I bought tonight. Wiccan rituals are so cheerful -- and edible!

So... my evening was a heck of a lot better than day.

[ 3 comments ] ( 13 views )   |  [ 0 trackbacks ]   |  permalink  |   ( 3.1 / 1046 )
Tired Indigo 
Wednesday, March 19, 2008, 08:46 AM - Dissociation & Switching
I make this entry again because Indigo does not want to occupy the foreground. More and more, he desires to not be in the foreground. that duty becomes delagated to me (Thistle) or Halo. Indigo wants to cross the Veil and begin a new life, but this physical incarnation is perhaps only halfway through its time.But he is tired and fatigued from this existence. I don't want him to go away. I am supposed to be his spiritual guide and companion spirit. How can I be so if he goes away?

He has somehow lost the will to live. That is not the same thing as being suicidal. He doesn't want to commit suicide, but he does not want to be the primary alter. He does want to restart his life again. That is why he wants to cross the Veil.

[ 5 comments ] ( 34 views )   |  [ 0 trackbacks ]   |  permalink  |   ( 3 / 1596 )
must not see us 
Tuesday, March 18, 2008, 08:29 AM
if we don't move, they can't see us.
if we don't move, they can't touch us.
if we don't move, they can't hurt us.
halo

[ 3 comments ] ( 18 views )   |  [ 0 trackbacks ]   |  permalink  |   ( 2.9 / 1156 )
The Rogue's Gallery 
Monday, March 17, 2008, 07:21 PM - Stupid Criminals
It was very exciting at work today. I had a ddefendant with not one, but TWO open warrants. And she was a real piece of work! She was mean, coarse, and utterly without class. She was a daily pot-head with two small children under her "care". Her current charge was Assault w/Deadly Weapon (classy). Her two warrants (surprise, surprise) were also for Assault w/Deadly Weapon. Looking at her RAP sheet, she's had a long string of violent offenses.

Well, she was also a high school dropout and unemployed. She said she smoked marijuana every day for 15 years (which meant she started at age 11. Nice.) So, I can infer that she injured her children by using drugs while pregnant. I am really, REALLY hoping that Child Protective Services takes her kids away.

I also had two defendants that were getting a free ride from Social Security for really trivial conditions. One person was getting an $800/month check, free health insurance, subsidized housing, and free groceries becaus ehe had a diagnosis of depression. Aother was getting a free ride for having "attention deficit disorder". Cripes! ADHD isn't even a real illness! It's some phony disgnosis invented by the pharmacutical industry for selling ritalin to young boys (and then frying their brains with that drug). So... I was thinking... Where's MY free money?! I've got a dissociative disorder and I've only missed five days of work in 15 years!

On a more serious note, I have a friend who has a very painful (but thankfully not fatal) nerve disease that's really been giving her trouble for the past two days. I can't spell it, but pheonetically, it "fibromialogia" or womehting to that effect. She goes through periods where it's not too bad and other periods where it really flares up. Right now she's in a pretty bad flare-up. Her name's Aianna. If anyone who reads this could spare a prayer or two to the benevolent deity of your choice, it sure would be appreciated!

[ 6 comments ] ( 45 views )   |  [ 0 trackbacks ]   |  permalink  |   ( 3 / 2213 )
Thirty Day Milestone! 
Sunday, March 16, 2008, 10:00 PM - Cool Stuff
Today marks some pretty good things that have been going on for 30 days (or a few days longer).

-- I haven't performed any retaliatory acts of road rage.
-- I haven't told any beggars to "get jobs".
-- I've been a vegetarian for a full month.
-- I've been studying Wicca for a full month.
-- Halo hasn't inflicted injury on our shared body in a month.

So... things are looking pretty positive :)

[ 6 comments ] ( 23 views )   |  [ 0 trackbacks ]   |  permalink  |   ( 3 / 1175 )
Tired kind of day 
Sunday, March 16, 2008, 05:32 PM - Random Thoughts
Well... I can only blame myself for getting four hours sleep last night. The cause wasn't psychological or spiritual, but instead was 100% mundane. It all started last night, heh heh.

So, we played my World of Gaianar roleplaying game last night (after yesterday's blog entry). It was pretty fun since the adventure involved a time-travel puzzle in which the adventerures completely screwed up by making terrible choices (the Gunslinger ended up violating his ethos and has temporarily lost his powers). Well, Jeff called me before the game and said, "Hey, bring over a Dunkin Donuts' "Box o Joe". So I did. Well, Rich came up with the exact same idea independently on his own. So here we were with four players (me, Doug, Rich and Jeff) and two GALLONS of hot coffee. Well, heck... we didn't want to let all that coffee go to waste. Between the four of us we polished off two gallons of hot coffee.

Needless to say, the game ran at a BRISK pace, which is also probably why the players made uncharacteristically bad choices, heh heh. In the end, it turns out that the adventurers served as the original cause of a problem that made half a town vanish into a limestone sinkhole, har har. In other words, they were the cause of the very problem they were charged with solving!

Yeah... trying to sleep after all that coffee... right... sorta didn't work out so well.

And today was Palm Sunday -- one of the darkest services in the Christian calendar. Halo manifested and sheilded me from hearing the content of the first service (the betrayal/torture/murder of Jesus Christ). I was really grateful for that, even though it means his own burden increased by some small increment as a reault. He protected me for the first service and part of the second (basically, he held the foreground until Communion in the second service).

So, I'm tired today.

At least I got a chance to sign up for the Wicca 101 class. It actually starts April 28. That should be pretty cool.

And this morning, I had my last cup of coffee at 7:45AM, so at least I didn't REPEAT yesterday's mistake!

[ 4 comments ] ( 16 views )   |  [ 0 trackbacks ]   |  permalink  |   ( 2.9 / 1378 )
Fun Saturday Stuff! 
Saturday, March 15, 2008, 12:44 PM - Cool Stuff
Man! I've been having really good luck with Saturdays lately. I've been really blessed.

The day started off the right way in that I actually got a good night's sleep that restored a lot of my physical energy. I feel pretty good. It also means I can go to the gym later on in the afternoon. Yay.

I got some plumbing repaired this morning, and the job was done quickly and inexpensively. A really nice guy named Dean has done repair work for Doug and me for years and he's licensed, does good work, and doesn't rip us off. What a find! It's nice being able to step into the bathroom and not hear the sound of water being wasted for no good reason. I'm guessing our next water bill will be a heck of a lot lower too! Huzzah!!

I drove down to the Turning Wheel bookstore to pick up some Wiccan items. Basically, Wiccans often use a ritual knife or wand when creating magic circles. So I was hoping I'd find something that sort of "called out" to me. Well... I lucked out again. I felt drawn to an odd_looking clear crystal rod. Using crystal instead of wood is probably a bit unconventional... but I'm kinda unconventional, hee hee! I wanted to pick up a pentacle, but I was a bit low on dough. but I can get it on Wednesday when I get paid.

Oh! And the bookstore offers a free workshop on Wicca for Beginners! Yay! I can go next Saturday! :)

I'm running errands now and doing the foolhardy practice of writing a blog entry whille driving a car. Isn't it great that dissociatives can so easily multitask? Ha ha ha!

And I can tell that it will be only a few more weeks until it's warm enough to start bicycling again. Yay!

all in all, I'm feeling pretty happy today.

And I didn't even wreck my car writing this!

============================================================

Update:

I made it home in one piece. Yay! :)

I recieved my therapist referral today. More yay!

It was sunny and warm, so I let Willow go outside. It was really good for him to see plants, trees, flowers, sunlight, and blue sky. He was very, very happy!

This is a pretty nice day. Life is good!

[ 5 comments ] ( 17 views )   |  [ 0 trackbacks ]   |  permalink  |   ( 3 / 1290 )
Fatigue of the Body 
Friday, March 14, 2008, 08:54 AM
Indigo has had insufficient rest for two days and lacks the energy to occupy the foreground I shall write the entry for today since Indigo feels it is important that this task be completed.

These are the thoughts that occur to me:

The body feels very heavy when not rested sufficiently.

There is a spot near the heart that has a vague ache and also feels heavy.

I feel the need to close my eyes, but that must not happen because the duty shift is about to commence.

I cannot fly and occupy the foreground concurrently.

Indigo has been tired more than two days. This body feels as if it has aquired much more than two days worth of fatigue.

When I occupy a tired body, it is difficult to keep my eyes focused.

These are my thoughts.

It is better that I am a companion spirit. In my true form, I need neither rest nor food. This human body, however, seems to have limitations and needs that have not been properly addressed recently. Indigo is tired and wants to cross the Veil. But that day will likely be decades away. He will be well again if he rests for a while. I will do what I can to let him rest and recover his energy and willpower.

Blessed Be

Thistle

[ 4 comments ] ( 12 views )   |  [ 0 trackbacks ]   |  permalink  |   ( 2.8 / 1254 )
Willow 
Thursday, March 13, 2008, 02:01 PM
I don't get be co-conscious with Willow (my alter that is a 3-year-old) very often. But we were in communion for about 15 minutes. it was really nice. He's very happy, but his happiness is different than Thistle's. He is my heart of purity. His presence just put me in such a good mood. :) He has no hate or fear or cynicism.

I've noticed that different alters have different effects on the shared body. When Thistle is active, we feel lighter (and sometimes smaller too). Halo makes the body go numb. Ashen makes the body feels more solid. When Willow is out, it makes our face and hands feel really warm. It wasn't unpleasant, but it's noticable.

[ 3 comments ] ( 11 views )   |  [ 0 trackbacks ]   |  permalink  |   ( 3 / 1250 )
Packed full of stuff to do! 
Thursday, March 13, 2008, 06:23 AM - Random Thoughts
Usully I'd have written this last night, but yesterday was really non-stop the whole day. But overall, it was a pretty good day with only a few pockets of unpleasantness.

Work was hard-core busy with non-stop processing of defendants for pre-trial release. I had mostly domestic violence cases yesterday -- which are always emotionally distressing to me. After all, I can rationally understand a bar brawl, but I cannot understand why people beat up the ones they allegedly love. But then I had a defendant on a drug charge that emitted a strong negative presence. It wasn't a death aura (thankfully), but the soul-sense that I got was that there was something crucial, critical, and non-replacable about him that had somehow become "burned out". I don't know the right words to say it, but "burned out" is something of the truth. I've really got to get better at shielding.

But once I left work, things got better. It was bright, warm, and sunny. Thistle got to fly for a long time. Angels only need energy, but changelings need food and energy. It was good to have communion with Thistle and feel the influx of warm, positive energy. He likes sunlight. It was really nice.

One of my friends on Second Life stepped me through a guided meditation to purge the negative energy I picked up at work. I think the meditation was successful, since I felt less weighted down afterwards. I was happy about that.

We ended up having bell choir last night instead of Tuesday, since the church was hosting some sort of half-baked dance recital of some sort. Bell practice went really well. There's a piece that Thistle really likes, so we shared consciousness for that one. It was good.

And last night I actually seven hours of uninterrupted, non-nightmare sleep. I think I can face the day. Yay! :)

[ 3 comments ] ( 10 views )   |  [ 0 trackbacks ]   |  permalink  |   ( 2.9 / 1218 )

Back Next