Wednesday, March 19, 2008, 08:46 AM - Dissociation & Switching
I make this entry again because Indigo does not want to occupy the foreground. More and more, he desires to not be in the foreground. that duty becomes delagated to me (Thistle) or Halo. Indigo wants to cross the Veil and begin a new life, but this physical incarnation is perhaps only halfway through its time.But he is tired and fatigued from this existence. I don't want him to go away. I am supposed to be his spiritual guide and companion spirit. How can I be so if he goes away?
He has somehow lost the will to live. That is not the same thing as being suicidal. He doesn't want to commit suicide, but he does not want to be the primary alter. He does want to restart his life again. That is why he wants to cross the Veil.
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( 3 / 1592 )Tuesday, March 18, 2008, 08:29 AM
if we don't move, they can't see us.
if we don't move, they can't touch us.
if we don't move, they can't hurt us.
halo
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( 2.9 / 1153 )Monday, March 17, 2008, 07:21 PM - Stupid Criminals
It was very exciting at work today. I had a ddefendant with not one, but TWO open warrants. And she was a real piece of work! She was mean, coarse, and utterly without class. She was a daily pot-head with two small children under her "care". Her current charge was Assault w/Deadly Weapon (classy). Her two warrants (surprise, surprise) were also for Assault w/Deadly Weapon. Looking at her RAP sheet, she's had a long string of violent offenses.
Well, she was also a high school dropout and unemployed. She said she smoked marijuana every day for 15 years (which meant she started at age 11. Nice.) So, I can infer that she injured her children by using drugs while pregnant. I am really, REALLY hoping that Child Protective Services takes her kids away.
I also had two defendants that were getting a free ride from Social Security for really trivial conditions. One person was getting an $800/month check, free health insurance, subsidized housing, and free groceries becaus ehe had a diagnosis of depression. Aother was getting a free ride for having "attention deficit disorder". Cripes! ADHD isn't even a real illness! It's some phony disgnosis invented by the pharmacutical industry for selling ritalin to young boys (and then frying their brains with that drug). So... I was thinking... Where's MY free money?! I've got a dissociative disorder and I've only missed five days of work in 15 years!
On a more serious note, I have a friend who has a very painful (but thankfully not fatal) nerve disease that's really been giving her trouble for the past two days. I can't spell it, but pheonetically, it "fibromialogia" or womehting to that effect. She goes through periods where it's not too bad and other periods where it really flares up. Right now she's in a pretty bad flare-up. Her name's Aianna. If anyone who reads this could spare a prayer or two to the benevolent deity of your choice, it sure would be appreciated!
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( 3 / 2208 )Sunday, March 16, 2008, 10:00 PM - Cool Stuff
Today marks some pretty good things that have been going on for 30 days (or a few days longer).
-- I haven't performed any retaliatory acts of road rage.
-- I haven't told any beggars to "get jobs".
-- I've been a vegetarian for a full month.
-- I've been studying Wicca for a full month.
-- Halo hasn't inflicted injury on our shared body in a month.
So... things are looking pretty positive :)
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( 3 / 1170 )Sunday, March 16, 2008, 05:32 PM - Random Thoughts
Well... I can only blame myself for getting four hours sleep last night. The cause wasn't psychological or spiritual, but instead was 100% mundane. It all started last night, heh heh.
So, we played my World of Gaianar roleplaying game last night (after yesterday's blog entry). It was pretty fun since the adventure involved a time-travel puzzle in which the adventerures completely screwed up by making terrible choices (the Gunslinger ended up violating his ethos and has temporarily lost his powers). Well, Jeff called me before the game and said, "Hey, bring over a Dunkin Donuts' "Box o Joe". So I did. Well, Rich came up with the exact same idea independently on his own. So here we were with four players (me, Doug, Rich and Jeff) and two GALLONS of hot coffee. Well, heck... we didn't want to let all that coffee go to waste. Between the four of us we polished off two gallons of hot coffee.
Needless to say, the game ran at a BRISK pace, which is also probably why the players made uncharacteristically bad choices, heh heh. In the end, it turns out that the adventurers served as the original cause of a problem that made half a town vanish into a limestone sinkhole, har har. In other words, they were the cause of the very problem they were charged with solving!
Yeah... trying to sleep after all that coffee... right... sorta didn't work out so well.
And today was Palm Sunday -- one of the darkest services in the Christian calendar. Halo manifested and sheilded me from hearing the content of the first service (the betrayal/torture/murder of Jesus Christ). I was really grateful for that, even though it means his own burden increased by some small increment as a reault. He protected me for the first service and part of the second (basically, he held the foreground until Communion in the second service).
So, I'm tired today.
At least I got a chance to sign up for the Wicca 101 class. It actually starts April 28. That should be pretty cool.
And this morning, I had my last cup of coffee at 7:45AM, so at least I didn't REPEAT yesterday's mistake!
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( 2.9 / 1378 )Saturday, March 15, 2008, 12:44 PM - Cool Stuff
Man! I've been having really good luck with Saturdays lately. I've been really blessed.
The day started off the right way in that I actually got a good night's sleep that restored a lot of my physical energy. I feel pretty good. It also means I can go to the gym later on in the afternoon. Yay.
I got some plumbing repaired this morning, and the job was done quickly and inexpensively. A really nice guy named Dean has done repair work for Doug and me for years and he's licensed, does good work, and doesn't rip us off. What a find! It's nice being able to step into the bathroom and not hear the sound of water being wasted for no good reason. I'm guessing our next water bill will be a heck of a lot lower too! Huzzah!!
I drove down to the Turning Wheel bookstore to pick up some Wiccan items. Basically, Wiccans often use a ritual knife or wand when creating magic circles. So I was hoping I'd find something that sort of "called out" to me. Well... I lucked out again. I felt drawn to an odd_looking clear crystal rod. Using crystal instead of wood is probably a bit unconventional... but I'm kinda unconventional, hee hee! I wanted to pick up a pentacle, but I was a bit low on dough. but I can get it on Wednesday when I get paid.
Oh! And the bookstore offers a free workshop on Wicca for Beginners! Yay! I can go next Saturday! :)
I'm running errands now and doing the foolhardy practice of writing a blog entry whille driving a car. Isn't it great that dissociatives can so easily multitask? Ha ha ha!
And I can tell that it will be only a few more weeks until it's warm enough to start bicycling again. Yay!
all in all, I'm feeling pretty happy today.
And I didn't even wreck my car writing this!
============================================================
Update:
I made it home in one piece. Yay! :)
I recieved my therapist referral today. More yay!
It was sunny and warm, so I let Willow go outside. It was really good for him to see plants, trees, flowers, sunlight, and blue sky. He was very, very happy!
This is a pretty nice day. Life is good!
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( 3 / 1288 )Friday, March 14, 2008, 08:54 AM
Indigo has had insufficient rest for two days and lacks the energy to occupy the foreground I shall write the entry for today since Indigo feels it is important that this task be completed.
These are the thoughts that occur to me:
The body feels very heavy when not rested sufficiently.
There is a spot near the heart that has a vague ache and also feels heavy.
I feel the need to close my eyes, but that must not happen because the duty shift is about to commence.
I cannot fly and occupy the foreground concurrently.
Indigo has been tired more than two days. This body feels as if it has aquired much more than two days worth of fatigue.
When I occupy a tired body, it is difficult to keep my eyes focused.
These are my thoughts.
It is better that I am a companion spirit. In my true form, I need neither rest nor food. This human body, however, seems to have limitations and needs that have not been properly addressed recently. Indigo is tired and wants to cross the Veil. But that day will likely be decades away. He will be well again if he rests for a while. I will do what I can to let him rest and recover his energy and willpower.
Blessed Be
Thistle
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( 2.8 / 1254 )Thursday, March 13, 2008, 02:01 PM
I don't get be co-conscious with Willow (my alter that is a 3-year-old) very often. But we were in communion for about 15 minutes. it was really nice. He's very happy, but his happiness is different than Thistle's. He is my heart of purity. His presence just put me in such a good mood. :) He has no hate or fear or cynicism.
I've noticed that different alters have different effects on the shared body. When Thistle is active, we feel lighter (and sometimes smaller too). Halo makes the body go numb. Ashen makes the body feels more solid. When Willow is out, it makes our face and hands feel really warm. It wasn't unpleasant, but it's noticable.
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( 3 / 1249 )Thursday, March 13, 2008, 06:23 AM - Random Thoughts
Usully I'd have written this last night, but yesterday was really non-stop the whole day. But overall, it was a pretty good day with only a few pockets of unpleasantness.
Work was hard-core busy with non-stop processing of defendants for pre-trial release. I had mostly domestic violence cases yesterday -- which are always emotionally distressing to me. After all, I can rationally understand a bar brawl, but I cannot understand why people beat up the ones they allegedly love. But then I had a defendant on a drug charge that emitted a strong negative presence. It wasn't a death aura (thankfully), but the soul-sense that I got was that there was something crucial, critical, and non-replacable about him that had somehow become "burned out". I don't know the right words to say it, but "burned out" is something of the truth. I've really got to get better at shielding.
But once I left work, things got better. It was bright, warm, and sunny. Thistle got to fly for a long time. Angels only need energy, but changelings need food and energy. It was good to have communion with Thistle and feel the influx of warm, positive energy. He likes sunlight. It was really nice.
One of my friends on Second Life stepped me through a guided meditation to purge the negative energy I picked up at work. I think the meditation was successful, since I felt less weighted down afterwards. I was happy about that.
We ended up having bell choir last night instead of Tuesday, since the church was hosting some sort of half-baked dance recital of some sort. Bell practice went really well. There's a piece that Thistle really likes, so we shared consciousness for that one. It was good.
And last night I actually seven hours of uninterrupted, non-nightmare sleep. I think I can face the day. Yay! :)
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( 2.9 / 1218 )Tuesday, March 11, 2008, 10:02 PM - Random Thoughts
Meme!!
Stolen form Hannuman's blog on March 11, 2008
1. What’s the last thing you put in your mouth? A swig of lemonaid
2. What’s the last food item you touched? A chunk of cheesecake
3. Who ticked you off last and why? Whoever the person was that made all-meat dishes for the church dinner. :::arrrg:::
4. What would you change about your special someone? That he would do workouts with me at the gym sometimes.
5. What is your worst habit?: Being a slob
6. Do you make fun of people who are different than you? Not usually. I find "different" people interesting, since i'm pretty much a kook too.
7. What’s the best news you’ve gotten recently? Mom got over a bout of bronchitis
8. The worst? The water boll was $1,200 because we have a plumbing probem. :::blech:::
9. You have $200 to blow…what do you spend it on? Half on books, half on DVDs.
10. One month to live…What do you do? Try to finish writing "I, Construct" and then go hang gliding one last time.
11. Who do you call first with any kind of news? Partner-Doug
13. Who knows the most about you? Partner-Doug
14. What makes you absolutely livid? Not being believed when I am absolutely telling the truth.
15. U can only have one makeup item, what is it? Hmmm... I don't really use makup. Does sunscreen count.
16. What’s the last thing you dressed up for? The cruise last December
17. What tv show are you embarrassed to admit you watch? I don;t watch TV.
18. What band you’re embarrassed to listen to? I can’t think of any
19. What’s you’re favorite ice cream place and what do u get there? I don't eat ice cream very often.
20. When you’re in a store and see this person, you try to not get noticed? ::: question is phrased incorrectly? :::
21. The dumbest thing you’ve done lately is… Trusting a Wiccan mentor who has Aspergers syndrome.
22. The dumbest thing you’ve seen someone else do lately? I saw five SUVs back-to-back run a red light in sequence. JERKS!!!
23. If someone gave u a coloring book and crayons you would… See if Willow would manifest and start drawing.
24. Favorite Disney character? Hmm... I incarnated a bit late for Disney.
25. Favorite Disney movie? It’s a tie. Fern Gully... very Wiccan
26. My dream dinner party would be with… Heck... any dinner party that Partner-Doug comes with me to is fine by me.
27. I would serve _____as the meal.: A buffet of Indian vegetarian delicacies (except that I can't cook worth a damn).
28. And after dinner ________….: ::: figure is out, heh heh :::
29. Last thing someone bought for you?: A co-worker bought me a Diet Coke today. Yay!
30. Someone pranks you…your first guess as to who it is?: Either my co-worker Joann or the manager, Lou.
31. The last person you called a name was? Some ultra-violent junkie-thug. I called him an super-junkie-thug.
32. How do you want to be remembered? Someone who was intersting, loving, spiritual, and kind.
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