Sunday, May 6, 2007, 09:53 PM
I did my longest workout ever yesterday: 10 miles! It was 6.5 miles of jogging, 2 miles on the Stairmaster, and 1.5 miles of walking. That burned 1,424 calories. Too cool! They way things are going, I should be able to give the Baltimore Marathon a shot later this year. I think it's in October.
My new weight: 182 pounds. I haven't been this thin since 1997 - ten years ago!
My ultimate goal is to get down to 175 pounds, the weight I had in college. My highest weight was 221, which means I've lost 39 pounds since then. Not bad.
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( 2.8 / 1027 )Friday, May 4, 2007, 09:24 PM
I'm torturing poor Doug tonight by playing a concept video of my favorite band, 'YES'. Who could NOT like Jon Anderson and company? Between the chess song 'All Good People' to the 18-minute rock-chant 'Revealing Science of God', there is no such thing as a bad Yes song.Alas, Doug does not find the ultimate prog-rock band to be the modern-day Mozart.
I'm watching the 9012LIVE concert, filmed sometime in the 1980s. You can tell, since the came members are still thin and had all their hair. In fact, they had 80s hair, which was really, REALLY big hair! And the white sweatsuit that Jon Anderson years, oh my! The fashion faux pas!
In fact, all of the band members wore a lot of white. I suppose that's why they had to break out the black-light illumination during 'Owner of a Lonely Heart' Ha ha ha ha!
Fashions may have changed, but Yes still remains the ultimate rock band.
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( 3 / 1013 )Sunday, April 29, 2007, 09:32 PM - Odd Dreams
I had an odd dream last night. There was a thin, young woman standing calf-high in water at the edge of a lake. It was a warm day but cloudy. I think she was a Wiccan because she was thinking about nature and was contemplating how there was no hard dividing line between the natural and spiritual realms. She believed the two blended into one another.
She spoke the words of a ritual, but I did not understand the words. Then she waved her hands over a batch of green reeds that grew out of the water. It was a harmless ritual that was supposed to honour nature. It was not “witchcraft” in the horror movie sense.
Just as she finished, two cops came up and harassed her about why she was standing in the water. She told them a plausible lie, but I wondered why she had to lie at all.
She left the lakeside. She met with a friend from college. He was studying psychology or philosophy (or something like that). She sensed in him the potential to make communion with the natural forces. She asked him if he would ever try to become “awakened”. He did not know what she meant.
She was sad because she wanted him to be able to experience the world’s life-force firsthand. She wanted him to be able to commune with the elemental forces.
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( 3 / 1755 )Saturday, April 28, 2007, 07:30 AM
I got an awesome arrest processed yesterday at Pretrial. There was this useless junkie defendant with a brand-new felony drug charge (with 16 individual counts!) He also had a pending drug case as well. He was on probation for drug distribution. He had a bunch of VOPs and FTAs. As near as I could tell, he had never done an honest day's work in his entire life. He also had a bunch of illegitimate kids that he didn't pay a dime to support. But lo and behold! One of the FTAs still had an active warrant! It was on some penny-ante traffic ticket. But I got this useless husk put back in the slammer! It was awesome!
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( 3 / 1120 )Sunday, April 22, 2007, 10:06 AM - Cool Stuff
Other than having a 30 second dissociation, my workout yesterday went really well.I did 9.1 miles in exercise (combination of treadmill, eliptical machine, and Stair Master). That burned 1,350 calories! Then I did some weightlifting: 4,500 pounds worth of weight!! How cool is that? My current weight is 182.8 pounds.[ 2 comments ] ( 7 views ) | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 3 / 1277 )Sunday, April 22, 2007, 09:54 AM - Dissociation & Switching
One of the oddities of having a dissociate disorder is that one of the other Alters will sometimes prevent me from seeing something disturbing.In this case, I was at the gym yesterday and some Sci-Fi Channel ad showed on TV. All I know about it was that something happened to some dude's eye. Then it was suddenly 30 seconds later. I have no idea what the ad actually showed, but I realized that it was Halo, not me (Indigo) that actually watched it. The imagery had filled him with profound horror. But he prevented me from seeing it.[ add comment ] | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 3 / 1749 )Sunday, April 15, 2007, 12:29 PM
Today is just the kind of day that makes me feel cranky and antisocial. It's cold, dark, rainy, and dank. I've had to run the heat even though it apparently costs $32/day for heat. My brand-new roof sprung a leak and that basically flooded the kitchen floor. Since today is Sunday, the contractor's office is closed. I didn't sleep well last night because I had nightmares all night. I'm also sore today because I did almost 10 miles in exercise yesterday. But with it being so damp and cold, it's making my joints ache. On days like this, I can feel every major injury I've ever had. I can feel the hip injury from 7 years ago when I got squashed by a couch in a moving accident. I can feel the neck injury from a diving accident 9 years ago. My shoulder aches from a car accident 6 years ago. I'm in a really bad mood![ 1 comment ] ( 3 views ) | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 3 / 1151 )Thursday, April 12, 2007, 08:39 PM
Things seemed to get a bit better this week. Doug is back from visiting his family. His sister gave him a bad cold. And here I thought all she knew how to do was take. Ha ha ha ha! But Doug seems to be doing a bit better tonight.
I haven’t had a chance to write lately. Both of my cell phones bit the dust at the same time, so I was without an internet connection for a week. That really sucked. My Ericsson w810 phone was still under warrants so I had to send it away. My Sidekick was out of warranty so I had to apply for an upgrade. Fortunately, T-Mobile has a more customer-friendly upgrade policy than Cingular. So I got a Nokia 5300 Music Express phone. I have it tethered to my TabletPC.
One of the odd things that happen sometimes when I’m upset is that electronic gadgets burn out. This past weekend was pretty tough on the gadgets: two cell phones, a watch, and a printer. Sucks!
But at least my depression seems to be abating. I have a job that pretty much demands 100% accuracy 100% of the time. I got depressed because I made a few paperwork errors two weeks ago(the result of fatigue, not laziness). But it is amazing how the Case Agents howl and gnash their teeth when presented with errors. I would say that I have submitted about 10 pieces of work (out of 420) that had errors noticeable to the Case Agents. That equates to a 2.5% error rate. Unfortunately, they will only take a 0% error rate. I will probably get a rating of “unacceptable” for accuracy in my next performance review. Fortunately, there are 4 other categories.
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( 3.1 / 1013 )Sunday, April 8, 2007, 09:10 AM
It was 47° indoors this morning when I got up. I didn't feel well last night anyway. Something I ate really got my stomach into a nasty churn.
I feel like I should hurt myself. I know that I am nothing but a corrupt remnant; a shadow; an empty ghost. Blood pays for sins and I should cut myself to pay. I loathe myself. I am a disgusting, sinful, ruined creature. I am a coward as well, for I cannot bring myself to utterly destroy this body. I imagine throwing myself off a bridge, or slashing my throat, or ramming my car into a building. But I am too cowardly to act on these impulses. I hate myself for my cowardice too. It is just one failing among a long litany of personal, moral, and spiritual failings.
I can do nothing right. I am utterly useless and devoid of worth. The real person died so long ago that I don't even know who he was anymore. All that's left is this hollow ghost that makes an animate mockery of who once was. I am a poor subsitute for the person who died.
Doug deserves better than me. He deserves someone real. I just cannot muster the courage to kill myself. My own cowardice just fills me with impotent despair and self-hatred.
I deserved to be cold last night. I deserved to sit in the dark. I need to cut myself. If I can pay with enough blood, maybe things will be okay again.
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( 3 / 1109 )Saturday, April 7, 2007, 09:24 PM
My house is cold -- really cold. In fact, it's 49° inside my home. Why is it 49° inside? Because I can't afford to turn the heat on. Good ol' BGE jacked the rates up so high that my February bill was $980. The unregulated utility was "kind" enough to take a $600 partial payment to keep the electricity on. But that means that I'll still have $380 extra to pay when the March bill comes. Since I had to heat my home in March, too, that means THAT bill will probably be over $1,200. So by not heating my home now, I might be able to get caught up when the April invoice comes.
It REALLY bothers me that our former governor let the power company become an unregulated monopoly. Ehrlich was a Republican, which means that he thinks that it's much more important to protect billionaire corporate executives than help out the citizens. Well, he got voted out of office because of this issue but the damage is done.
It occurs to me that the ability to heat one's home should be a basic American right. I work hard every day. I pay my taxes. I obey the laws. Why can't I get affordable heating for my home? Why do I have to sit in the cold with just two light bulbs on in the whole house?
Of course, the welfare bums in Baltimore get everything for free. The defendants I see every day get welfare ($600-$800 cash every month), free food (about $200/month on the Independence card), subsidized housing ($50-$70/month), free medical care, subsidized heat (yeah, the bums can have their homes heated to 70° while I sit in the cold), subsidized internet ($7/month), and free Metro passes. I think the folks on the dole actually have more spare cash than I do. Ugh!
I really hate this situation. I'm sick of being cold.
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