Sunday, April 29, 2007, 09:32 PM - Odd Dreams
I had an odd dream last night. There was a thin, young woman standing calf-high in water at the edge of a lake. It was a warm day but cloudy. I think she was a Wiccan because she was thinking about nature and was contemplating how there was no hard dividing line between the natural and spiritual realms. She believed the two blended into one another.
She spoke the words of a ritual, but I did not understand the words. Then she waved her hands over a batch of green reeds that grew out of the water. It was a harmless ritual that was supposed to honour nature. It was not “witchcraft” in the horror movie sense.
Just as she finished, two cops came up and harassed her about why she was standing in the water. She told them a plausible lie, but I wondered why she had to lie at all.
She left the lakeside. She met with a friend from college. He was studying psychology or philosophy (or something like that). She sensed in him the potential to make communion with the natural forces. She asked him if he would ever try to become “awakened”. He did not know what she meant.
She was sad because she wanted him to be able to experience the world’s life-force firsthand. She wanted him to be able to commune with the elemental forces.
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( 3 / 1755 )Saturday, April 28, 2007, 07:30 AM
I got an awesome arrest processed yesterday at Pretrial. There was this useless junkie defendant with a brand-new felony drug charge (with 16 individual counts!) He also had a pending drug case as well. He was on probation for drug distribution. He had a bunch of VOPs and FTAs. As near as I could tell, he had never done an honest day's work in his entire life. He also had a bunch of illegitimate kids that he didn't pay a dime to support. But lo and behold! One of the FTAs still had an active warrant! It was on some penny-ante traffic ticket. But I got this useless husk put back in the slammer! It was awesome!
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( 3 / 1120 )Sunday, April 22, 2007, 10:06 AM - Cool Stuff
Other than having a 30 second dissociation, my workout yesterday went really well.I did 9.1 miles in exercise (combination of treadmill, eliptical machine, and Stair Master). That burned 1,350 calories! Then I did some weightlifting: 4,500 pounds worth of weight!! How cool is that? My current weight is 182.8 pounds.[ 2 comments ] ( 7 views ) | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 3 / 1277 )Sunday, April 22, 2007, 09:54 AM - Dissociation & Switching
One of the oddities of having a dissociate disorder is that one of the other Alters will sometimes prevent me from seeing something disturbing.In this case, I was at the gym yesterday and some Sci-Fi Channel ad showed on TV. All I know about it was that something happened to some dude's eye. Then it was suddenly 30 seconds later. I have no idea what the ad actually showed, but I realized that it was Halo, not me (Indigo) that actually watched it. The imagery had filled him with profound horror. But he prevented me from seeing it.[ add comment ] | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 3 / 1749 )Sunday, April 15, 2007, 12:29 PM
Today is just the kind of day that makes me feel cranky and antisocial. It's cold, dark, rainy, and dank. I've had to run the heat even though it apparently costs $32/day for heat. My brand-new roof sprung a leak and that basically flooded the kitchen floor. Since today is Sunday, the contractor's office is closed. I didn't sleep well last night because I had nightmares all night. I'm also sore today because I did almost 10 miles in exercise yesterday. But with it being so damp and cold, it's making my joints ache. On days like this, I can feel every major injury I've ever had. I can feel the hip injury from 7 years ago when I got squashed by a couch in a moving accident. I can feel the neck injury from a diving accident 9 years ago. My shoulder aches from a car accident 6 years ago. I'm in a really bad mood![ 1 comment ] ( 3 views ) | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 3 / 1151 )Thursday, April 12, 2007, 08:39 PM
Things seemed to get a bit better this week. Doug is back from visiting his family. His sister gave him a bad cold. And here I thought all she knew how to do was take. Ha ha ha ha! But Doug seems to be doing a bit better tonight.
I haven’t had a chance to write lately. Both of my cell phones bit the dust at the same time, so I was without an internet connection for a week. That really sucked. My Ericsson w810 phone was still under warrants so I had to send it away. My Sidekick was out of warranty so I had to apply for an upgrade. Fortunately, T-Mobile has a more customer-friendly upgrade policy than Cingular. So I got a Nokia 5300 Music Express phone. I have it tethered to my TabletPC.
One of the odd things that happen sometimes when I’m upset is that electronic gadgets burn out. This past weekend was pretty tough on the gadgets: two cell phones, a watch, and a printer. Sucks!
But at least my depression seems to be abating. I have a job that pretty much demands 100% accuracy 100% of the time. I got depressed because I made a few paperwork errors two weeks ago(the result of fatigue, not laziness). But it is amazing how the Case Agents howl and gnash their teeth when presented with errors. I would say that I have submitted about 10 pieces of work (out of 420) that had errors noticeable to the Case Agents. That equates to a 2.5% error rate. Unfortunately, they will only take a 0% error rate. I will probably get a rating of “unacceptable” for accuracy in my next performance review. Fortunately, there are 4 other categories.
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( 3.1 / 1013 )Sunday, April 8, 2007, 09:10 AM
It was 47° indoors this morning when I got up. I didn't feel well last night anyway. Something I ate really got my stomach into a nasty churn.
I feel like I should hurt myself. I know that I am nothing but a corrupt remnant; a shadow; an empty ghost. Blood pays for sins and I should cut myself to pay. I loathe myself. I am a disgusting, sinful, ruined creature. I am a coward as well, for I cannot bring myself to utterly destroy this body. I imagine throwing myself off a bridge, or slashing my throat, or ramming my car into a building. But I am too cowardly to act on these impulses. I hate myself for my cowardice too. It is just one failing among a long litany of personal, moral, and spiritual failings.
I can do nothing right. I am utterly useless and devoid of worth. The real person died so long ago that I don't even know who he was anymore. All that's left is this hollow ghost that makes an animate mockery of who once was. I am a poor subsitute for the person who died.
Doug deserves better than me. He deserves someone real. I just cannot muster the courage to kill myself. My own cowardice just fills me with impotent despair and self-hatred.
I deserved to be cold last night. I deserved to sit in the dark. I need to cut myself. If I can pay with enough blood, maybe things will be okay again.
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( 3 / 1109 )Saturday, April 7, 2007, 09:24 PM
My house is cold -- really cold. In fact, it's 49° inside my home. Why is it 49° inside? Because I can't afford to turn the heat on. Good ol' BGE jacked the rates up so high that my February bill was $980. The unregulated utility was "kind" enough to take a $600 partial payment to keep the electricity on. But that means that I'll still have $380 extra to pay when the March bill comes. Since I had to heat my home in March, too, that means THAT bill will probably be over $1,200. So by not heating my home now, I might be able to get caught up when the April invoice comes.
It REALLY bothers me that our former governor let the power company become an unregulated monopoly. Ehrlich was a Republican, which means that he thinks that it's much more important to protect billionaire corporate executives than help out the citizens. Well, he got voted out of office because of this issue but the damage is done.
It occurs to me that the ability to heat one's home should be a basic American right. I work hard every day. I pay my taxes. I obey the laws. Why can't I get affordable heating for my home? Why do I have to sit in the cold with just two light bulbs on in the whole house?
Of course, the welfare bums in Baltimore get everything for free. The defendants I see every day get welfare ($600-$800 cash every month), free food (about $200/month on the Independence card), subsidized housing ($50-$70/month), free medical care, subsidized heat (yeah, the bums can have their homes heated to 70° while I sit in the cold), subsidized internet ($7/month), and free Metro passes. I think the folks on the dole actually have more spare cash than I do. Ugh!
I really hate this situation. I'm sick of being cold.
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( 3 / 1010 )Saturday, April 7, 2007, 08:16 AM
I had this dream that took place at some point in the future -- after the fall of civilization.
I don't exactly know what happened to the climate, but the world had become a very hot, very dry place. Most of humanity had died off except for bands of nomadic scavengers. A yellow-white arid desert stretched out in all directions and the sun shown down from a cloudless sky. I walked among a band of nomads, but I don't think they knew I was there and I don't think they could see me.
The nomads crested a sandy hill and looked out into a salty, flat plain that obviously used to be a harbor or port before the seas retreated. Although the buildings that ringed the harbor were now nothing but rubble, the great hulking rusty corpses of several cruise ships lay on on their sides on the salt flats. The nomads would periodically come here to scavenge canned goods or tools or anything else they might find useful.
I wondered where the sea went. I wondered how the world had become so hot and dry. What had made the climate change so drastically? Was it the hand of man (global warming or nuclear war?) Or had something natural happened (such as an increase in the sun's radiant output?) I just didn't know. Given the condition of the cruise ship wreckage, I figured that 200 years or so had passed since the seas retreated.
Then an odd thing happened. As the nomads made their way down to the ships, a fierce wind blew and rivulets of water began pouring down the hill from the direction they had come. Then a wave of water rolled in and swept the nomads past the ship hulks and out into where the oceans had retreated.
Somehow, I was immune to the force of the water and I had the power to float above the churning mess. I used my power to find flotsam for the nomads to grab onto so that they would not drown.
I think a comet must have hit the earth somewhere. I did not know that for certain, but it would explain the blast of wind and the wall of water.
The sky seemed dusty now and the air cooled significantly. It wasn't cold, per se, but instead it was now more temperate.
The nomads ended up drifting to an island of rock. The influx of water began to retreat, so I figured that the next day they might be able to paddle their flotsam rafts back to shore.
I wondered if what just happened would help the planet's ecology recover. The addition of a massive quantity of water could be what it needed. Who knows?
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( 3 / 1076 )Sunday, April 1, 2007, 11:01 AM
This week is going to be a drag. Doug visits his mom twice each year for a week. I think it's good that Doug can see his family. Everyone in Doug's family is really nice -- except for Doug's sister.
I can never visit because of Doug's sister, Heather.
Unlike everyone else in Doug's family, Heather is an amoral, soulless sociopath. She's lazy, dishonest, avaracious, and spiritually bankrupt. She has successfully played the "poor me" game her whole life be playing up the fact that she has dyslexia and depression. She's used this as an excuse for not working.
When forced to work for brief periods, she usually picks a fight with her boss a week or so into her employment (and thus gets fired). Then she says, "Seeeeee! I'm disabled! I can't work!"
Now, she is pretty good at snorting vast ammounts of cocaine and send her drug dealers to her mother's house to collect. She's pretty good at ramping up her mother's credit cards as well.
One of the reasons she hates me is that I see her for what she is, and have pointed this fact out. I also represent a threat to her "poor me" cloak because I also have dyslexia and depression yet somehow manage to maintain gainful employment. I also have a dissociative disorder. I started working at age 13 and have been unemployed no longer that 72 hours at any point in my life.
She's also jealous of Doug because he has someone who loves him. But what she doesn't understand is that to be loved, you have to be lovable and be able to give love. She isn't and she doesn't. Doug's clinical depression is also much worse than Heather's, and he has OCD as well. But he works every day and doesn't snort cocaine.
Heather is basically a sociopath and a financial vampire. She has no empathy. She says vicious, hateful things to people at the most minor percieved slight. She's violent (she's punched me several times, which is why I won't visit). She smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish, and spends money like a Bush Republican. She curses like a sailor. She lies, cheats, and steals. She won't lift a finger to help others. She just takes and takes and takes, but never gives. She's a racist, a homophobe, and a bigot. She has no problem using the words "faggot" or "nigger" in everyday conversations. She's just horrible. I view her as a huge, bloated, pulsing leech forever attached to Doug's mother's jugular vein.
I've met very few people in my life with ZERO redeeming features, but she's one of them.
I wish that the next time Heather bought cocaine that it would be laced with Draino or cyanide. She could do the family a great big favor simply by dying. She's a useless, soulless piece of human debris. To paraphrase an episode of Miss Marple, "if someone were to squash her, all it would take is one thourough scrub to be rid of her, and the world would be a better place for it."
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