Sunday, April 8, 2007, 09:10 AM
It was 47° indoors this morning when I got up. I didn't feel well last night anyway. Something I ate really got my stomach into a nasty churn.
I feel like I should hurt myself. I know that I am nothing but a corrupt remnant; a shadow; an empty ghost. Blood pays for sins and I should cut myself to pay. I loathe myself. I am a disgusting, sinful, ruined creature. I am a coward as well, for I cannot bring myself to utterly destroy this body. I imagine throwing myself off a bridge, or slashing my throat, or ramming my car into a building. But I am too cowardly to act on these impulses. I hate myself for my cowardice too. It is just one failing among a long litany of personal, moral, and spiritual failings.
I can do nothing right. I am utterly useless and devoid of worth. The real person died so long ago that I don't even know who he was anymore. All that's left is this hollow ghost that makes an animate mockery of who once was. I am a poor subsitute for the person who died.
Doug deserves better than me. He deserves someone real. I just cannot muster the courage to kill myself. My own cowardice just fills me with impotent despair and self-hatred.
I deserved to be cold last night. I deserved to sit in the dark. I need to cut myself. If I can pay with enough blood, maybe things will be okay again.
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( 3 / 1109 )Saturday, April 7, 2007, 09:24 PM
My house is cold -- really cold. In fact, it's 49° inside my home. Why is it 49° inside? Because I can't afford to turn the heat on. Good ol' BGE jacked the rates up so high that my February bill was $980. The unregulated utility was "kind" enough to take a $600 partial payment to keep the electricity on. But that means that I'll still have $380 extra to pay when the March bill comes. Since I had to heat my home in March, too, that means THAT bill will probably be over $1,200. So by not heating my home now, I might be able to get caught up when the April invoice comes.
It REALLY bothers me that our former governor let the power company become an unregulated monopoly. Ehrlich was a Republican, which means that he thinks that it's much more important to protect billionaire corporate executives than help out the citizens. Well, he got voted out of office because of this issue but the damage is done.
It occurs to me that the ability to heat one's home should be a basic American right. I work hard every day. I pay my taxes. I obey the laws. Why can't I get affordable heating for my home? Why do I have to sit in the cold with just two light bulbs on in the whole house?
Of course, the welfare bums in Baltimore get everything for free. The defendants I see every day get welfare ($600-$800 cash every month), free food (about $200/month on the Independence card), subsidized housing ($50-$70/month), free medical care, subsidized heat (yeah, the bums can have their homes heated to 70° while I sit in the cold), subsidized internet ($7/month), and free Metro passes. I think the folks on the dole actually have more spare cash than I do. Ugh!
I really hate this situation. I'm sick of being cold.
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( 3 / 1010 )Saturday, April 7, 2007, 08:16 AM
I had this dream that took place at some point in the future -- after the fall of civilization.
I don't exactly know what happened to the climate, but the world had become a very hot, very dry place. Most of humanity had died off except for bands of nomadic scavengers. A yellow-white arid desert stretched out in all directions and the sun shown down from a cloudless sky. I walked among a band of nomads, but I don't think they knew I was there and I don't think they could see me.
The nomads crested a sandy hill and looked out into a salty, flat plain that obviously used to be a harbor or port before the seas retreated. Although the buildings that ringed the harbor were now nothing but rubble, the great hulking rusty corpses of several cruise ships lay on on their sides on the salt flats. The nomads would periodically come here to scavenge canned goods or tools or anything else they might find useful.
I wondered where the sea went. I wondered how the world had become so hot and dry. What had made the climate change so drastically? Was it the hand of man (global warming or nuclear war?) Or had something natural happened (such as an increase in the sun's radiant output?) I just didn't know. Given the condition of the cruise ship wreckage, I figured that 200 years or so had passed since the seas retreated.
Then an odd thing happened. As the nomads made their way down to the ships, a fierce wind blew and rivulets of water began pouring down the hill from the direction they had come. Then a wave of water rolled in and swept the nomads past the ship hulks and out into where the oceans had retreated.
Somehow, I was immune to the force of the water and I had the power to float above the churning mess. I used my power to find flotsam for the nomads to grab onto so that they would not drown.
I think a comet must have hit the earth somewhere. I did not know that for certain, but it would explain the blast of wind and the wall of water.
The sky seemed dusty now and the air cooled significantly. It wasn't cold, per se, but instead it was now more temperate.
The nomads ended up drifting to an island of rock. The influx of water began to retreat, so I figured that the next day they might be able to paddle their flotsam rafts back to shore.
I wondered if what just happened would help the planet's ecology recover. The addition of a massive quantity of water could be what it needed. Who knows?
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( 3 / 1076 )Sunday, April 1, 2007, 11:01 AM
This week is going to be a drag. Doug visits his mom twice each year for a week. I think it's good that Doug can see his family. Everyone in Doug's family is really nice -- except for Doug's sister.
I can never visit because of Doug's sister, Heather.
Unlike everyone else in Doug's family, Heather is an amoral, soulless sociopath. She's lazy, dishonest, avaracious, and spiritually bankrupt. She has successfully played the "poor me" game her whole life be playing up the fact that she has dyslexia and depression. She's used this as an excuse for not working.
When forced to work for brief periods, she usually picks a fight with her boss a week or so into her employment (and thus gets fired). Then she says, "Seeeeee! I'm disabled! I can't work!"
Now, she is pretty good at snorting vast ammounts of cocaine and send her drug dealers to her mother's house to collect. She's pretty good at ramping up her mother's credit cards as well.
One of the reasons she hates me is that I see her for what she is, and have pointed this fact out. I also represent a threat to her "poor me" cloak because I also have dyslexia and depression yet somehow manage to maintain gainful employment. I also have a dissociative disorder. I started working at age 13 and have been unemployed no longer that 72 hours at any point in my life.
She's also jealous of Doug because he has someone who loves him. But what she doesn't understand is that to be loved, you have to be lovable and be able to give love. She isn't and she doesn't. Doug's clinical depression is also much worse than Heather's, and he has OCD as well. But he works every day and doesn't snort cocaine.
Heather is basically a sociopath and a financial vampire. She has no empathy. She says vicious, hateful things to people at the most minor percieved slight. She's violent (she's punched me several times, which is why I won't visit). She smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish, and spends money like a Bush Republican. She curses like a sailor. She lies, cheats, and steals. She won't lift a finger to help others. She just takes and takes and takes, but never gives. She's a racist, a homophobe, and a bigot. She has no problem using the words "faggot" or "nigger" in everyday conversations. She's just horrible. I view her as a huge, bloated, pulsing leech forever attached to Doug's mother's jugular vein.
I've met very few people in my life with ZERO redeeming features, but she's one of them.
I wish that the next time Heather bought cocaine that it would be laced with Draino or cyanide. She could do the family a great big favor simply by dying. She's a useless, soulless piece of human debris. To paraphrase an episode of Miss Marple, "if someone were to squash her, all it would take is one thourough scrub to be rid of her, and the world would be a better place for it."
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( 3 / 1098 )Sunday, April 1, 2007, 09:26 AM
If anyone ever wonders why Bob Erhlich got voted out of office last November, I can tell them the primary reason why: he backed BGE instead of the citizens of Maryland.
BGE was a semi-regulated gas/electric monopoly in Maryland. The State controlled electrical rates but not natural gas rates. As a result, anyone with two sources of power in their homes (like me) say their power bill jump 30%-40% every year for the past several years. Why? Because BGE was hiking up the gas rates -- since they COULD and there's no competition in Maryland.
In November, Bob Ehrlich decided to give BGE carte blanch on electricity rates as well. They immediately said they would raise electricity rates 72%. Nice. Of course, they *still* raised the price of natural gas another 30% this year too.
The result? My latest power bill was $980. That's $210 more than my mortgage payment. What this means is that I won't be able to afford to heat my home next winter. We're going to have to set the thermostat at 50 degrees or so. I wonder how many elderly people will freze to death so that BGE can get their extra billion$?
But to top it all off, BGE spends a lot of money on public service announcements that say, "BGE does not profit from the rate increase."
Bulls**t!!!
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( 3 / 1050 )Sunday, March 25, 2007, 11:04 AM - Dumb Happenings
In the Old West, desperados used to rob banks. In the modern era, it’s the banks that do the robbing.
Provident Bank (and others) engineered a way to maximise the legal robbery of its customers through clever software manipulation. How does this work? Let me illustrate.
Say you have $50 in checking, and you make six $9 purchases. Logically, you would think you would be facing a single charge for the last $9 item. But it no longer works that way. The bank would see $54 in debits on a $50 balance for that day and then charge an overdraft fee on ALL SIX items!
It gets better. Last week, Provident held 12 transactions in “pending” status for over a week (for some unknown reason). I could see the transaction values, but it did not deduct from my available balance. I made an arithmetic error for $10, so my last two minuscule purchases should have incurred a fee. Well... apparently Provident’s software was waiting for an overdraw, since the nanosecond my account was negative, the system posted all 12 transactions to my account at the same time and declared all 12 transactions to be overdrafts, despite the fact that the real value of the overdraft was about $10 and consisted of 2 transactions. The net effect was that the bank basically stole my whole paycheck since their fees totalled $440.
The banks weren’t this greedy under Clinton.
And the “financial analysts” on the talking-head shows wonder why the average American has trouble building up a savings account.
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( 3 / 1282 )Saturday, March 24, 2007, 05:05 PM - Dumb Happenings
I just don't seem to have the same luck with computers that Doug does. He can buy a laptop computer and use it every day for 3-4 years and never have one iota of problem. For me, I end up having to do a reformat/reinstall about every six months. Why? Because every computer I own gradually gets slower and slower until it gets to the point that it takes 15 minutes tio restart and when it does start, the applications load so slowly that I get [NOT RESPONDING] errors in Task Manager.
This is the 4th time I've had to do a root canal on my TabletPC. Fortunately for me, I do frequent backups. My game and my novel are located on my website and I back up all my music to an external hard drive. Still, this is a royal pain in the neck.
It's not just computers either. My T-Mobile Sidekick has slowed down to the point that it's nearly useless. My PDA seems to run out of memory all the time, despite having only two non-standard applications installed. My cell phone has to be power-cycled because the Bluetooth function keeps becoming non-responsive. My wrist watches keep stopping (and the one Doug loaned me actually started counting backwards.)
What the hell is the matter with me that the electronic devices around me just "give up" after a few months?
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( 3 / 1217 )Friday, March 23, 2007, 01:35 PM - Odd Dreams
I had a dream that took place in a different time and a different setting. In this dream, most of the world had been destroyed by vast machines and there was only one valley left that was protected by an impenetrable ring of mountains. The valley was green and pretty. Maybe 30,000 people lived here.
A certain man lived in the village who was responsible for sealing the valley against the onslaught of the machines. But his son had died in that final conflict. He thought about his son every day.
There was a day each year when the barrier between the living and the dead was the thinnest. So he climbed the highest mountain that protected the valley. There, at the top, he could talk to his son for two or three minutes. It was sad that he only had that brief time just once per year.
The man’s son was only 11 years old when he was killed during the final war against the machines. But each year that his spirit briefly manifested on the mountain top, he appeared as the same age. The father aged normally however, and appeared leathery and lean from a lifetime of hard, honest work.
The child was thin (but not gaunt), fair skinned and had short blonde hair. He looked happy, but also looked a bit wistful (probably because he missed his father too).
I could not hear what they talked about. But after a few minutes, the child faded from view as if he had been only a piece of a dream. The father turned away to start climbing down back into the green valley.
I caught a glimpse of the father’s thoughts. He was thinking of that terrible day on that last battle against the machines. There had been no ring of mountains then. The hulking war machines had come from the south to exterminate all life. They stood 30’ tall and crushed houses and people as they ruined the town.
One house had the child inside. The father was some kind of ranch hand who was walking home after doing repairs to a wooden fence that kept a herd of cattle contained. He saw the destruction of his home and his family.
In rage and despair, he raised his fist to the sky and yelled, “This shall not be!”
A wave of energy pushed the machines back. The ground rumbled and a ring of high mountains rose up from the ground. That was the only supernatural act he had ever done. He saved the town, but he could not save his son.
That was 10 years ago. Now he was a ranch supervisor and he had a new home. But he never remarried and never had any more children.
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( 3 / 1732 )Wednesday, March 21, 2007, 08:51 PM
I had a sad dream last night. Well... The dream itself wasn't sad, but I felt sad when I woke up.
The dream was a pretty simple one. It was an alternate timeline, and it was 1976. I was six years old again, except this time around I actually had GOOD parents that really cared about me and loved me. The dream was a day in *that* life. It was my first day in first grade. The amazing thing is that it didn't bother me that I didn't really *know* anything, since 1st grade students don't have to know anything.
It was a nice feeling being small, having energy, and experiencing things for the first time. Unlike my actual childhood, I also didn't have a terrible speech impediment, so none of the other kids bullied me or made fun of me.
Towards the end of the day, I felt myself drifting into the normal timeline and my awareness was pulled away from 1976. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay there, where I was loved by my parents and where I had friends.
I was sad to wake up. For in reality, I never had many good days growing up. My mom was a useless drunk. My dad was an abuser (mentally, physically, and occassionally sexually). Mom was apathetic and my father hated me. I also had trouble speaking when I was young. I had speech therapy until 8th grade. During that time, I was ruthlessly ridiculed and tormented, by my father at home and the students at school.
My speech impediment actually went away when I was in my early 20s.
But I wish that life had a "reset" command, where I could do my life over again. I miss the childhood that I should have had.
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( 3 / 1198 )Sunday, March 18, 2007, 09:01 PM - Cool Stuff
I finished writing Chapter 42 of my novel!
I, Construct: Chapter 42
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