Monday, March 17, 2008, 07:21 PM - Stupid Criminals
It was very exciting at work today. I had a ddefendant with not one, but TWO open warrants. And she was a real piece of work! She was mean, coarse, and utterly without class. She was a daily pot-head with two small children under her "care". Her current charge was Assault w/Deadly Weapon (classy). Her two warrants (surprise, surprise) were also for Assault w/Deadly Weapon. Looking at her RAP sheet, she's had a long string of violent offenses.
Well, she was also a high school dropout and unemployed. She said she smoked marijuana every day for 15 years (which meant she started at age 11. Nice.) So, I can infer that she injured her children by using drugs while pregnant. I am really, REALLY hoping that Child Protective Services takes her kids away.
I also had two defendants that were getting a free ride from Social Security for really trivial conditions. One person was getting an $800/month check, free health insurance, subsidized housing, and free groceries becaus ehe had a diagnosis of depression. Aother was getting a free ride for having "attention deficit disorder". Cripes! ADHD isn't even a real illness! It's some phony disgnosis invented by the pharmacutical industry for selling ritalin to young boys (and then frying their brains with that drug). So... I was thinking... Where's MY free money?! I've got a dissociative disorder and I've only missed five days of work in 15 years!
On a more serious note, I have a friend who has a very painful (but thankfully not fatal) nerve disease that's really been giving her trouble for the past two days. I can't spell it, but pheonetically, it "fibromialogia" or womehting to that effect. She goes through periods where it's not too bad and other periods where it really flares up. Right now she's in a pretty bad flare-up. Her name's Aianna. If anyone who reads this could spare a prayer or two to the benevolent deity of your choice, it sure would be appreciated!
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( 3 / 2288 )Thursday, February 14, 2008, 07:47 AM - Stupid Criminals
Ok... sometimes my job is fruestrating (since the commissioners don't know how to assign a proper bail), but other times it's totally awesome. I got THREE outstanding warrants served this week on villans who really needed warrants served on them.
Thug#1: He had beat up his girlfriend, so his current case was a domestic violence charge. But there was a brand new warrant for him from when he had apparently beat up his OTHER girlfriend. So I got him off the street. Maryland law may take certain crimes pretty casually, but they're deadly serious about domestic violence. He'll probably get a $100,000 bail if he gets bail at all.
Thug#2: He had a FTA warrant. Granted, it's not the most exciting warrant you can get served, but trespassing is annyoying and he really should pay the fine.
Thug#3: His current charge was carjacking (w/ $25,000 bail). But apparently he thanked his girlfriend for bailing him out by punching her out. Again, Maryland law takes a dim view on domestic violence. So I imagine that not only will he not be given bail on the new charge, but his current bail will be revoked.
It's good to get the villans off the streets. There really are days when the job is totally worth it!
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( 2.9 / 1903 )Thursday, January 3, 2008, 09:28 PM - Stupid Criminals
Well... the first murder in Baltimore didn't take long. A shooting happened in the Cherry Hill section at exactly midnight. I can see it now: "Happy New Year! Blam.. Blam..."
Geez!
I wonder if we'll get to 300 homocides this year. We were darned close in 2007. We were the second most dangerous city last year. Do we have what it takes to be #1?
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( 3 / 1713 )Sunday, December 9, 2007, 02:44 PM - Stupid Criminals
I had a totally hillarious defendant at Pretrial last week. This dude was about 25 but he already had over 30 arrests on his RAP sheet, and they were all for petty thefts and trespassing. When I got to the part of the interview where I asked about his employment history, he proudly exclaimed "I steal for a living!" Ha ha ha ha ha!!!
Yeah, a thief who was actually honest about his vocation. Who would have guessed? He also said he enjoyed Christmas because there were "so many shops, but so little time". Heh heh.
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( 3 / 1780 )Thursday, September 6, 2007, 03:18 PM - Stupid Criminals
The deadbeat defendants can always be counted on to have a wallet full of crap when asked for an ID and paystub. The junkie bums never have a dollar to their name while the drug dealers usually have thousands of dollars in cash. Either way, you'll always see the following junk:
- Lottery tickets: despite being on welfare, the defendants usually have at least $10 worth of losing lotto scratch-offs.
- Welfare card: The "Independence" card makes sure our taxes buy groceries for junkie thugs.
- Wadded up paper full of phone numbers: For contacting their drug dealers.
- Used prepaid card: the junkies always need to be well connected with their thug-drug-homies and their collection of "bitches an' hoes".
- Expired/Revoked Driving License: It never shows the correct address, is usually expired, and is almost always suspended or revoked.
- Bus pass: for some reason, Baltimore City gives out discount mass transit passes to unemployed junkies on welfare.
But you'll never find a pay stub, library card, or college ID.
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( 3 / 1853 )Wednesday, August 29, 2007, 10:27 PM - Stupid Criminals
I had a useless, shambling junkie Muslim bum at Pretrial. He was about 41 but he looked 71 because of all the heroin he had jammed into his veins over the years. Of course he was an unemployed sponge who staggered to the intersections each day to beg.
Today, apparently, he must have shot up some of that newfangled cheap Californian heroin that’s cut with cough syrup. Apparently it’s about a buck a dose -- a high even a violent, homeless thug can afford. But it makes the user sick afterwards.
Well, this pathetic waste of flesh was sick all right. He started vomiting all over the place.
Most of the time that I see someone in distress, I think “I hope you feel better.” But with this useless leech, I thought, “I wish you would just DIE!”
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( 3 / 1757 )Sunday, October 29, 2006, 06:52 PM - Stupid Criminals
Understanding Ghettoese
While English and Ghettoese appear to have surface similarities, Ghettoese is a degenerate, truncated subset of English. Moreover, Ghettoese has a vocabulary set of less than a thousand words. Certain words in Ghettoese have opposite meanings in standard English, while other words simply have different meanings. For example, the word “tools” in English could refer to a hammer or a saw, while in Ghettoese, “tools” refers to a heroin needle or a crack pipe.
Standard English, likewise, allows for the contraction of two words into one (like “don’t” from “do not”.) Ghettoese allows for three-word and four-word contractions (“gow’ma” from “ get out my”, used as” Gow'ma way!!")
Below is a basic primer on Ghettoese.
- 2.5: A parole, probation, or pretrial officer on duty.
- 5-0: A police officer on duty.
- Ah’z’ain’t: Contraction of “I is ain’t”. Example: Ah’z’ain’t goan be lookin’ fo’ no muffukkin job!”
- Ain’t: Improper contraction of “Am Not”. Ghettoites also use this word in place of “isn’t”. and “aren’t”.
- Aks : Variation of “ask”. Example: “Lemme aks you summit!”
- Baby-Mama : Someone that a Ghettoite male has impregnated.
- Bitch: Someone that a Ghettoite male is having sex with. Example.” My bitch letting me stay at her crib. She got coloh telebision!”
- “Come home: To arrive home after a prison stay.
- Cracker: A white person.
- Crib: Section 8 apartment (rent free). Example: “I got some junk we can shoot up over at mah crib, yo!”
- Cutcha: Contraction of “cut you”. Example: “I goan cutchawiff dis knife, yo!”
- Doins : Variation of “do” or “doing”. Example. “You goans be doins some junk tonight? I got some tools!”
- Doos: Variation of “do” or “doing”, depending on context. Example: “I ain’t doos no stairs! I goan takes da exkalatuh !”
- Goan: Contraction of “Going to”. Example: “I goan git mea lotto ticket.”
- Goans: Variation on “Goan”
- Goants: Contraction of “going to not”. Example: I goant do no mo heroin!
- Harowin : Alternate form of “heroin”
- Harwin: Alternate form of “Heroin”
- Junk[1]: Drugs. Example: “I ain’t had no junk in two days! I needs mah harowin!”
- Junk[2]: Something of goof quality. Example: “Det prepaid Motorola Razor fone is da junk!”
- P.O.: A parole, pretrial, or probation officer.
- Shoant: Contraction of “Surely won’t”. Example: “I shoant goan do no credit check for no cellphone!!”
- Tools: Heroin needles, crack pipesand other drug paraphernalia Example: “Det cop took all mah tools, yo!”
- Uncle Tom: A former ghettoite that decided to finish school, get a job, renounce crime, and raise an intact family.
- Warnt : A warrant, as in an arrest warrant. Example: “Deh goas be a warnt on me mah whole life!”
- Yorn: To urinate, usually in context of a State-mandated drug test. Example: “Mah P.O. says I gots ta give a yorn.”
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( 2.9 / 1910 )Friday, May 12, 2006, 08:23 AM - Stupid Criminals
What I’ve Learned About Islam:
1. It’s a sin to drink alcohol. It’s not a sin, however, to smoke marijuana, snort cocaine, or shoot heroin (or do all three concurrently!)
2. It’s a sin to eat pork. It’s not a sin, however, to lie, steal, forge documents, kite checks, smuggle guns, or deal drugs.
3. Homosexuality is a sin. It’s not a sin, however, to father 5 or 6 illegitimate children by 5 or 6 different women and then never pay a dime in child support.
4. Muslim folk are apparently supposed to hate America. This hatred, however, doesn’t preclude them from collecting welfare, food stamps, Section-8 housing subsidies, Medicaid, and bogus “disability” income.
5. Americans are supposed to hold Islam in the highest respect. It’s okay, however, for Muslims to harass, harm, or even murder anyone who doesn’t follow Islam.
6. “Pride” isn’t about doing things that make other people proud of you. Most Muslims demonstrating “pride” actually just demonstrate arrogance, rudeness, and contempt.
7. Suicide is a sin. Strapping a bomb to yourself so that you can blow up a school bus full of elementary school children is a holy act.
8. Shaving one’s beard is a sin. Paying a surgeon to mutilate your wife’s genitals, however, is not a sin.
9. Middle East poverty is the fault of America and Israel. The fact that the ruling families of each Middle Eastern country are all mega-billionares who don’t spend a red cent on their respective country’s infrastructure is simply a co-incidence.
10. When disasters happen in Islamic countries, the United States is supposed start cutting checks. When disasters happen in America, Muslims worldwide (including those in the USA) dance in the street and praise Allah.
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( 3 / 1834 )Monday, April 24, 2006, 08:29 AM - Stupid Criminals
In nature, particularly in mammals, the female of a given species usually tries to advance the characteristics of species by selecting a mate with advantageous qualities (smarter, faster, healthier, furrier, better claws, etc.) But in Baltimore, the human species appears to be undergoing an advanced, accelerated reverse evolution. Why, because the females of the human species choose to procreate with males of no discernible human advantages.
Baltimore is second in the nation for illegitimate births, burglary, and car theft. We’re third for unemployment in youths 18-25. We are numero uno in drug addiction. Yes indeed! One in eight citizens in Baltimore has a substance abuse problem, and that directly corresponds to the high crime, high unemployment, and high illegitimacy rates.
So how does this relate to reverse evolution? Glad you asked!
When I’m doing a pretrial release interview, some of the questions I ask pertain to the defendant’s demographics. Here’s how these questions usually go:
Me: Marital Status? Your choices are single, married, widowed, divorced, or separated.
Def: Single
Me: Any children?
Def: I thinks I gots four or five.
Me: Do you pay child support?
Def: No
Me: Who is your current employer?
Def: Ain’t gots no job.
Me: Your highest level of education?
Def: 9th grade.
Me: Are you using any illegal drugs?
Def: Heroin. I use a little coke here and there too.
Me: How often?
Def: Every day.
Me: Would you be interested in free drug treatment and detox?
Def: Man, I can stops any times I wants!
Yeah. Right.
So I have to ask: what woman in her right mind would want to have sex with these sleazy, grubby, violent, lazy losers? And yet they do. . . Frequently!
By having gaggles of fatherless, drug-prone kids, these inner city women are NOT helping the human race advance to the next level of evolution.
For humans, the three primary traits worthy of increase are intelligence, empathy, and creativity. But in Baltimore, these traits are actually shunned -- severely and actively. You can actually get murdered in Baltimore for maintaining a 4.0 grade point average (or straight “A”s, depending on the scale). Here, the female of the species appears to value stupidity, laziness, and aggression as traits worthy of passing on to the next generation. The result? Some of the younger defendants are so stupid that they can barely speak! But their low cunning enables them to still cut the throat of an old man (for $5) so he can buy a crack rock or a heroin gelcap.
Another four or five generations of this and we could be looking at an actual divergence of the species. We’ll have regular humans in the ‘burbs and rural areas and have a new, violent orc-like species that rule the crumbling inner cities.
In Baltimore at least...
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( 3 / 1831 )Monday, April 3, 2006, 08:02 PM - Stupid Criminals
I have to say that I ran into one of the most worthless ghetto thug I have ever encountered. He was 46, but he looked more like 66. He was booked on felony drug conspiracy/distribution charges. Some liberal judge gave him Pretrial Supervision rather than having him rot in jail until his trial.
He was unemployed, of course, but I then found out that he had NEVER worked -ever! He was a lifelong welfare recipient. He was on parole AND probation at the sane time, for drugs of course! He was a high school dropout. And yet, the judge still gave him PTRS. Every parole and probation he had been assigned in the past resulted in an unsatisfactory closing (he broke the rules a lot). But he was released from jail. Yay! (Not!)
Now he was also a big-time drug addict. But, according to HIS philosophy, he was not an addict because he did DIFFERENT drugs every day. See, on odd days, he would smoke Crack; while on even days, he would shoot Heroin. But he didn't think he had a drug problem.
His family life left something to be desired. He had managed to father EIGHT illegitimate children, and had never paid a penny in child support. He was, however, sponging off his uncle for free room and board.
He had obviously lived a violent lifestyle. He had a long ragged scar across one cheek, and another across his throat. there was a ropey scar on his left hand where he had been shot. He reported a similar gunshot scar on his leg.
I thought to myself: What a useless piece of human garbage! All he knew how to do was deal, steal, and screw.
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