Sunday, October 29, 2006, 06:52 PM - Stupid Criminals
Understanding Ghettoese
While English and Ghettoese appear to have surface similarities, Ghettoese is a degenerate, truncated subset of English. Moreover, Ghettoese has a vocabulary set of less than a thousand words. Certain words in Ghettoese have opposite meanings in standard English, while other words simply have different meanings. For example, the word “tools” in English could refer to a hammer or a saw, while in Ghettoese, “tools” refers to a heroin needle or a crack pipe.
Standard English, likewise, allows for the contraction of two words into one (like “don’t” from “do not”.) Ghettoese allows for three-word and four-word contractions (“gow’ma” from “ get out my”, used as” Gow'ma way!!")
Below is a basic primer on Ghettoese.
- 2.5: A parole, probation, or pretrial officer on duty.
- 5-0: A police officer on duty.
- Ah’z’ain’t: Contraction of “I is ain’t”. Example: Ah’z’ain’t goan be lookin’ fo’ no muffukkin job!”
- Ain’t: Improper contraction of “Am Not”. Ghettoites also use this word in place of “isn’t”. and “aren’t”.
- Aks : Variation of “ask”. Example: “Lemme aks you summit!”
- Baby-Mama : Someone that a Ghettoite male has impregnated.
- Bitch: Someone that a Ghettoite male is having sex with. Example.” My bitch letting me stay at her crib. She got coloh telebision!”
- “Come home: To arrive home after a prison stay.
- Cracker: A white person.
- Crib: Section 8 apartment (rent free). Example: “I got some junk we can shoot up over at mah crib, yo!”
- Cutcha: Contraction of “cut you”. Example: “I goan cutchawiff dis knife, yo!”
- Doins : Variation of “do” or “doing”. Example. “You goans be doins some junk tonight? I got some tools!”
- Doos: Variation of “do” or “doing”, depending on context. Example: “I ain’t doos no stairs! I goan takes da exkalatuh !”
- Goan: Contraction of “Going to”. Example: “I goan git mea lotto ticket.”
- Goans: Variation on “Goan”
- Goants: Contraction of “going to not”. Example: I goant do no mo heroin!
- Harowin : Alternate form of “heroin”
- Harwin: Alternate form of “Heroin”
- Junk[1]: Drugs. Example: “I ain’t had no junk in two days! I needs mah harowin!”
- Junk[2]: Something of goof quality. Example: “Det prepaid Motorola Razor fone is da junk!”
- P.O.: A parole, pretrial, or probation officer.
- Shoant: Contraction of “Surely won’t”. Example: “I shoant goan do no credit check for no cellphone!!”
- Tools: Heroin needles, crack pipesand other drug paraphernalia Example: “Det cop took all mah tools, yo!”
- Uncle Tom: A former ghettoite that decided to finish school, get a job, renounce crime, and raise an intact family.
- Warnt : A warrant, as in an arrest warrant. Example: “Deh goas be a warnt on me mah whole life!”
- Yorn: To urinate, usually in context of a State-mandated drug test. Example: “Mah P.O. says I gots ta give a yorn.”
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( 2.9 / 1846 )Sunday, October 15, 2006, 09:58 AM
Doug doesn't like amusement parks too much, so I went with my friend Jeff yesterday to Six Flags. It was a real blast! Since it's pretty late in the season, it wasn't too crowded. Also, since "sküll" is in session, I didn't have to endure the typical two-dozen busses worth of ill-behaved ghetto animals. It was nice.
All the roller coasters were functioning, even the unlucky Superman coaster. Jeff and I got to ride that one twice. That's always an exciting one for me since that coaster does kill people from time to time. But what's life without a little risk?
While Jeff and I were in the line, there was almost a race riot. A pack of five ghetto animals shoved their way to the front of the line (clearly breaking the rules). A white couple flagged a security guard and announced loudly, "Those five BLACK people butted in line!". And another couple added, "BLACK people ALWAYS seem to butt in line!". Not to be left behind, I added (in my best ghettoese voice, "But da black folk ALWAYS be GOAN be buttin' in lines, yo! Is cause of yoo white prejudism, yo!"
So, the security guards ejected the ghetto animals from the park. Yay!
Jeff totally rolled his eyes when I did my ghettoese rendition. I thought it was pretty dead-on, ha ha.
Of course, the great thing about buying the season pass is that it's cheap to go to Six Flags. The season pass is $100, but also comes with three free tickets for friends and two half-price tickets. There's also a ticket for a free funnel cake (yum!)
All in all, I had a great time. Now all I have to do is wait until April when I can go again!
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( 3 / 1210 )Saturday, October 14, 2006, 10:47 AM
Exercise Mania
This year has been pretty good for my physical fitness. I lost (and kept off) 30 pounds! So I now weigh what I did in in 1996! I shrunk from size 38-40 to a size 34.
So here's my accomplishments this year:
Longest walk: 8 miles.
Longest walk/jog: 6.5 miles.
Longest jog: 6.2 miles.
Fastest 5km run: 27m 42s.
Lowest observed resting pulse: 60 beats/min.
Current weight: 185 pounds!
One year ago this week, I had tried to qualify for the Police Department, and I couldn't even jog a mile straight. I weighed a shade over 215, and my resting heart rate was 80. I also had borderline-high blood pressure.
All in all, it's been a pretty good year for physical health. I think I'm in the best adult health I've ever been. Yay!
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( 3 / 1121 )Monday, October 9, 2006, 05:53 PM
Understanding Baltimore City Wildlife
There are many interesting and dangerous lifeforms common to downtown Baltimore that the casual visitor must be made aware of when visiting. While some are merely repugnant, others are downright lethal.
Crat: These are the infamous cat-sized rats. These inner city predators fear neither man nor fire, and are resistant to most poisons.
Bench Bums: These homeless heroin junkies sleep on public benches at night and then sit around all day begging coins from passers-by. You can identify a Bench Bum by its cloying stench and the filthy overcoats that are worn even in summer.
Cardboard Conmen: These are the allegedly "homeless" beggars that shamble out to traffic intersections and hold dilapidated cardboard signs bemoaning their fate. While the signs typically state some variation of "Will Work For Food", the careful observer will note the practiced limp, a cane, or an everlasting leg cast.
Phoney Veterans: Similar to a Cardboard Conman, a Phoney Veteran holds a cardboard sign that declares himself to be a Viet Nam Vet. Many Phoney Veterans appear too young (late 30s to mid-40s) to have actually served in Viet Nam.
Heroin Husk: These are prostitutes who will trade their "services" for heroin or cocaine. They carry every disease imaginable, and yet somehow are never short on customers.
Whithered Zombies: These are soulless, mindless shells that walk like denizens of the Living Dead. Their decades-long use of heroin has sapped nearly every drop of life-energy from their minds and bodies. They appear as gaunt skelletons with a thin covering of taught skin. They typically have criminal records hundreds of pages long, as there is no act of savagery they won't commit in the quest of their next ampoule of heroin.
Welfare Spheres: These are females that weigh 300 pounds or more and have 4-6 children of mixed parentage under their "care". They have learned the secret of free rent, subsidized utilities, free food, and all manner of welfare benefits. They can be counted on to do just three things: eat, excrete, and procreate.
Bike Brats: These are young hoodlems on stolen bicycles who dart in and out of traffic. They appear to not fear being hit by a car, as they know such a collission will give them a winning Scratch-Off in the Law$uit Lottery.
Useless Hulks: These are morbidly obese young men have no job, no education, no morals, no initiative, no dreams, no prospects, and no future. They typically weigh 350 pounds or more, commit acts of petty theft and/or drug dealing, and father illegitimate children (see Welfare Spheres).
Muslim Apex Predators: Unlike a mainsteam follower of Islam, the Muslim Apex Predator converted to Islam while in prison and has adopted a lifestyle of stunningly intense violence and criminality. And while the Q'ran forbids alcohol, it apparently doesn't forbid using (or selling) cocaine. Muslim Apex Predators are typically 18-30 years old and have an arrest packet as thick as a paperback novel.
Revolving Door Judges: These are the court officials that reduce 20-year sentences to 2 months, or reduce a $100,000 bail to $1,500. Revolving Door Judges ensure that Apex Predators, Heroin Husks, Useless Hulks, and Zombies remain on the street to give YOU, the Baltimore visitor, a hard time every time you visit!
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( 3 / 1227 )Saturday, October 7, 2006, 09:45 AM - Random Thoughts
The Halloween List
I got tagged, so here’s my answers!
1. What's the scariest movie you've ever seen? “The Ring”. It took mea couple of weeks to recover from that one. People with dissociative disorders should NOT see that movie.
2. What was your favorite Halloween Costume from childhood? I didn't have a favorite that I can remember.
3. If you had an unlimited budget, what would your Fantasy Costume be for this Halloween? A very authentic “Lord of the Dance” outfit.
4. When was the last time you went Trick Or Treating? Age 15. I dressed as an angry Viet Nam Vet.
5. What's your favorite Halloween Candy? Miniature Reces Peanut Butter Cups.
6. Tell us about a scary nightmare you had. I had a dream that the color was draining from the world and as everything faded to grey, the spirit of life died in everything living: I remember looking at the slate-grey ocean and knowing everything was dead.
7. What is your Supernatural Fear? I fear that I will somehow become the Incarnation of Darkness and Death Magic.
8. What is your Creepy-Crawlie Fear? I really don’t like flies.
9. Tell us about a time when you saw a ghost, or heard something go Bump in the night. After seeing The Ring, I had for two weeks the irrational notion that mirrors connected to the spirit realm and that malevolent entities were going to emerge through then at night.
10. Would you ever stay in a real Haunted House overnight? No.
11. Are you a traditionalist (just a face) Jack O'Lantern Carver, or do you get really creative with your pumpkins? I’m pretty bad at carving.
12. How much do you decorate your home for Halloween? We’re pretty minimalist, thanks to vandalism.
13. What do you want on your Tombstone? Pepperoni and Sausage! Yum!
Now, I tag Choir-Joan, Jeff, Jay, and Matt.
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( 3 / 1143 )Saturday, October 7, 2006, 09:23 AM
Today is the kind of cold, damp, and dreary day that makes my knees hurt and makes me feel like not doing anything. I hate it when I wake up already aching. I have a 3-day weekend, so hopefully Sunday and Monday will be better.
On the bright side, I only have 8 more weeks of probationary employment left before I get upgraded to permanent status.
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( 3 / 1191 )Sunday, October 1, 2006, 05:57 PM - Cool Stuff
Now that I have the OrigamiPC, I spent a whole lot of time yesterday and today writing more stuff for my novel, "I, Construct". I finished chapter 40 today, for a grand total of 149,800 words (for all 40 chapters combines, of course).
http://www.gaianar.com/Downloads/IC/IC%2036-39.htm
The link below shows chapters 36-40. In chapter 40, the brave adventurers get attacked by giant rats!
Open Chapters 36-40
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( 3 / 1173 )Sunday, October 1, 2006, 10:25 AM - Cool Stuff
The other reason I haven't posted often lately is that I haven't had a laptop computer for two weeks. I sold my old laptop on eBay to get cash to buy a new computer. My new machine is an origami-class computer. It's only 7" across and weighs 1.5 pounds. There's no keyboard. You just handwrite on the screen with a plastic stylus. It has the unusual resolution of 480 by 800, so it's portrait instead of landscape. The aspect ratio is perfect for word processing.
The great thing about eBay is that I effectively paid about $100 for a $1000 computer, since by the time I sold my old laptop and some DVDs, I had over $800 cashed in.
The only sour note in the deal is that the seller tried to cheat me. She refused to ship the computer until I filed a Pay Pal fraud alert. This was not a pleasure.
But I've got the computer now and it works fine!
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( 3 / 1170 )Saturday, September 30, 2006, 10:41 PM - Cool Stuff
I've been working out several days each week for the past eight months. I've lost 31 pounds and I can now jog for an hour straight! My new distance record is 6.4 miles over an hour run. My fastest 5km has been 28m 15s.[ 3 comments ] ( 16 views ) | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 3 / 1352 )Sunday, September 24, 2006, 03:47 PM
Doug and I did our annual visit to the giant Corn Maze farm near Stewartstown, PA. We've gone there for seven years straight and it just gets better each year. And, for $9 American Dollars, it's cheap thrills!
The main maze, carved out of a corn field, is just downright huge. It usually takes 2-3 hours to walk through the whole thing. This year, the maze was in the shape of a Viking dragon. You enter the maze at a toe and leave through the dragon's mouth. This maze was really difficult this year. We came pretty close to waving the distress flag (for rescue by maze employees), but we eventually got out. It was a blast.
About four years ago, they planted a bamboo maze. The shoots are really tall now, and the interior of the maze is dark and surprizingly pretty and fragrant. In this maze, you have to find five differently colored checkpoints before leaving. We spent about 45 minutes in that one too.
The other mazes are smaller, but still pretty fun. There is a fence maze that is made out of movable wooden baricades. The pattern changes every year. It also has movable bridges and ramps.
The new mazes are the tile maze (a puzzle in which you have to get to the maze center using only right turns), and a boulder maze (we didn't do that one, but it looked like one had to push giant inflatable boulders through a set of baricades.
They started building next year's maze, but it wasn't open yet. It's called an Invisible Fence maze, and it looks like one has to wear a sensor tag and navigate through an open air maze without being able to see the walls. Very cool!
So... That was our Saturday fun. Next week? More haunted houses! Yay!
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