Thursday, April 10, 2008, 04:22 PM - Dissociation & Switching
Thistle Incarnates.
I have used what gifts I possess to keep this shared body safe today. I have drawn energy from the sun. I have light. I have used my energy to keep Halo from manifesting and cutting. He seeks to injure this body because Indigo wants to feel the sense of peace that comes from cutting. It is not healthy. Indigo also seeks to cross the Veil, but the time that he should Cross naturally is decades away. I will not allow him to manipulate Halo into fatally injuring this body. It shall not be. And thus it will not be.
Indigo and I both have the experience of having our incarnation begin 12 years later than the body's birth. He desperately wants to be reborn so that he can be a natural child. He thinks that God does not live him in his current incarnation. But deity loves. Deity loves all of us, not just the happy ones. He should not confuse the earthly father's hate and cruelty with any motive of deity. He does. But it should not be. And yet it is. I do not know what to do to make him sure of deity's love. The earthy father should face dire accounting for what he has done to Indigo and Halo. To make someone innately fearful of an ever-loving deity is crime of the spirit that is not easily forgiven.
But I trust deity. I love deity. I pray to deity. And so it is that I pray that Indigo and Halo might come to know that it is okay to *live* and okay to be *happy* and that it is not a sin to be loved, whole, and happy. It is not the way of deity to purposefully wound those already wounded and broken. It is the way of the earthly father, but not deity.
And so I have kept the shared body safe. By thought, prayer, word, and deed. This body remains safe. When Indigo returns, he will find no wounds. When he returns, I hope he can know deity's peace and love.
Blessed Be
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( 3 / 1826 )Wednesday, April 9, 2008, 01:03 PM - Dissociation & Switching
There are times when I wish Halo would just cut my throat instead our wrists. He won't do it and I'm too much of a coward to do it myself. And I am a coward. I get so tired of being a useless, broken loser. I am the figment of a dead child's imagination. There used to be someone real tha occupied this body. When that person died, I came into being. I just feel so artificial sometimes.
I think old testament God resents the fact that I haven't committed suicide. It's cowardice that prevents me from doing so.
At least now that I've discovered the Wiccan Gods, I have the hope of a new incarnation after I cross the Veil. I really would like to be born into a family of loving, kind parents that aren't cruel and capricious. More than that, I want to be really REAL, and not the embodied inaginings of some poor dead child who was murdered by the sustained cruelty of a psychopath.
If suicide is called the "coward's way out" and I'm too cowardly for suicide, what does that say about me? I am a disgrace.
I guess, too, that I'm not a useful person. I stagger through this life as some kind of emotional vampire. I'm so wounded and broken that when I make friendships, they get drained dry because i am so emotionally needy. I ca't help it. I can't just NOT have a yawning void where there used to be a little child who died. But if I had the courage, I could at least commit suicide so that I could bring this artificial and grievious life to a close. I animate this flesh that does not belong to me. We should have died 25 years ago. But I am too cowardly to end it.
And I'm basically a boring person too.
If I could be suddenly dead, there would be no one who would remember me beyond a few days. I am worth less than nothing. All I do is drain people and cause hardship for others. I am a disgrace.
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Update:
I felt a little better after seeing my therapist. The thing that's hard for someone who isn't fragmented to understand is that I have to cope with the feeling of not being whole. Usually I do that pretty well. Other times it's just really hard to take -- and it makes me want to do a "hard reset", so to speak.
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( 2.9 / 1757 )Monday, April 7, 2008, 04:23 PM - Dissociation & Switching
Well... yeah... yesterday was pretty bad.
The thing I always find so astounding is how much better I feel after Halo's done his self-injury. After we've cut and bled, we get this incredible sense of relief and peace. I know that cutting can't possibly be a healthy form of release. It is what it is. I guess that's why I don't fear it. I do try to prevent it from happening as long as I can, but I don't fear it happening. I know I always feel better after we've cut.
I have a lot of clarity of thought today. My mind is not racing. Halo is sleeping -- for now at least. It will probably be a decent time interval until he wakes up and gets the urge to inflict self-injury on the body. I don't like it when that happens, but it does not scare me.
The aftermath of cutting feels a lot like we had been able to cry. It's rare that I can cry. It's even more rare for Halo, who has cried only a few times in his life, despite being the one who bears the uglist memories of this incarnation. I know Halo is not evil. I know he held out as long as he could. When he could resist no more, he did what he must. But we feel better today.
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( 2.9 / 1631 )Wednesday, March 19, 2008, 08:46 AM - Dissociation & Switching
I make this entry again because Indigo does not want to occupy the foreground. More and more, he desires to not be in the foreground. that duty becomes delagated to me (Thistle) or Halo. Indigo wants to cross the Veil and begin a new life, but this physical incarnation is perhaps only halfway through its time.But he is tired and fatigued from this existence. I don't want him to go away. I am supposed to be his spiritual guide and companion spirit. How can I be so if he goes away?
He has somehow lost the will to live. That is not the same thing as being suicidal. He doesn't want to commit suicide, but he does not want to be the primary alter. He does want to restart his life again. That is why he wants to cross the Veil.
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( 3 / 1685 )Sunday, March 9, 2008, 12:22 AM - Dissociation & Switching
My thoughts are racing and my mind is in chaos. I can't sleep but I'm really tired. But I can't sleep. I'm really upset about the rejection by my now-former mentor. I found out from one of the circle members that the mentor has some condition called Aspergers Syndrome. Apparently it's like a lightweight version of autism, except that the person seems reasonably normal up to a point. When something bad happens in their personal lives, they tend to lash out at others around them in really inapprpriate ways.
With any luck, this guy will not mentor anyone else -- ever.
The thing that sucks is that he knew I had (and still have) a dissociative disorder, and he chose to hurt me anyway. I know I shouldn't take it personally since he did the same thing to everyone else in the circle. But it hurts, damn it. it just really hurts. I thought we were friends too. I guess not.
So now my thoughts are racing, I can't sleep, and I have two church services tomorrow.
My thoughts go round and round with:
-- Indigo: This situation sucks, and i'm tired and angry.
-- Thistle: He's ill, little one, and you should forgive him.
-- Halo: He hates us. We did something wrong. Blood pays for sins.
-- Ashen: Let's kick his ass all over town. I'll make him pay for hurting you, Indigo.
- Willow: Why did he go away? Where did he go?
And that theme goes round and round and round. My mind won't be quiet. I'm so damned tired. :(
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Update:
i think I fell asleep for about an hour, but it was worthless sleep. I had this nightmare about coming home and finding a mutilated corpse in the living room. I don't know if it was male or female since it was draped in white. I was afraid to touch it. But blood oozed through the shroud in seveal spots. Oddly enough, I also had the impression that the body had subsequently been frozen solid. It was a supemely unpleasant, very short, non-restful dream.
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Final update for today:
I managed to get through the church services. Halo manifested because the body was so low on physical energy (we're okay on spiritual energy, however, but the body needs power too.) But Halo did NOT cut. Yay! The choirmaster (Nancy) and a close friend (Joan) know I'm a multiple and can recognize when a different alter is running the body. They were able to talk Halo out of cutting. I am glad for that. They love Halo even though he's in pain. I am so grateful for Joan's and Nancy's friendship.
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( 3 / 1794 )Wednesday, February 27, 2008, 05:12 PM - Dissociation & Switching
I've come to the conclusion that it's probably time to ask for a referral for a therapist the next time I get my psych meds refilled (which is next Thursday). I'm pretty sure my doctor can recommend a decent one what will work with my insurance. I guess all the stress of work (yeah, law enforcement... so placcid, heh heh) and the fact that my partner's been dealing with his sister having an extended life-threatening illness has sort of worn me down. He's also never really come to pece about his father's suicide ten years ago (how does one come to terms with something so horrible?)
I don't want to be at risk for cutting. There has got to be a way for Halo to have some measure of healing and peace so that he isn't driven to hurt this shared body. He wanted to today -- and I nearly gave in. But I didn't. The Indigo-Thistle pairing is stronger than Indigo all by myself. But the experience today really wore me down. It's just so taxing to cling to the foreground by my fingernails for 7 hours straight. But I did it. And I am tired.
It's time to get some help. I can't do it alone anymore.
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At the 12th hour of this siege, I ran out of energy. Thistle draws energy from sunlight and that's something that can't be had at 8:00pm. So Halo surfaced and did what he does. He didn't hurt the body too badly this time. But he was able to cry afterwards, which is a new ability for him. Maybe that's why he didn't cut too much or too deeply. I will get help for this. I will get better. Halo is not evil, but no human could survive the kind of pain and shame he has had to absorb -- for all of us. And that's why most of us aren't really human anymore. If I had to bear Halo's pain, I couldn't be a functioning person. And yet he has endured that tiny pocket of hell all of these decades. And he's older than me or Thistle, of that I am sure. He's probably almost as old as the physical body.
If I can somehow get Halo healed, we'll be a pretty functional system.
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( 3 / 1647 )Tuesday, February 5, 2008, 05:41 PM - Dissociation & Switching
I guess I had some trouble this morning because I've been sick lately and haven't been getting much sleep. It's bad for me to get too tired for too long. It takes only a small amount of psychic energy (ie willpower) to maintain integration, but if that energy's not there, "I" starts functioning like a very disfunctional "we".
Thistle is actually a lot more powerful than Halo. If I can actually get some real REST tonight, I think the balance can be restored. Halo is necessary -- in very small quanities. We all need our dark side too, but it's got to be in balance. For us, the order of power goes: Indigo - Thistle - Willow - Ashen - Halo.
or you can look at it as: Changeling - Angel - Human - Protector - Remnant
or as : Creativity - Faith - Purity - Discipline - Shame.
Yeah... definately have to keep Halo out of the foreground. Thistle and I might not be human, but at least we *like* this body!
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( 3 / 1153 )Sunday, April 22, 2007, 09:54 AM - Dissociation & Switching
One of the oddities of having a dissociate disorder is that one of the other Alters will sometimes prevent me from seeing something disturbing.In this case, I was at the gym yesterday and some Sci-Fi Channel ad showed on TV. All I know about it was that something happened to some dude's eye. Then it was suddenly 30 seconds later. I have no idea what the ad actually showed, but I realized that it was Halo, not me (Indigo) that actually watched it. The imagery had filled him with profound horror. But he prevented me from seeing it.[ add comment ] | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 3 / 1749 )Sunday, July 30, 2006, 11:40 AM - Dissociation & Switching
In my waking hours, I am almost always integrated, but when I sleep, the integration unravels and I can see the others. Last night was a sequence of broken images and despair. I feel haunted sometimes, because I know that I am not the original personna but instead am simply an echo of the now-incapacitated original. But the original personna is a Ghost and last night I was haunted by the Ghost.
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The haunting begins...
The Ghost is the original persona -- some highly diminished remnant of the original "Chris". Although technically dead, that entity somehow lives on as a spectral figure that sucks down any joy and light. In last night's haunting, I saw the Ghost. He, always, lives in a small, windowless locked room. His despair and loss is a nearly tangible thing. He writes strange symbols on the walls in various colors. Sometimes he writes text. He has some idea of the outside world and writes about that. He writes down conversations he has never been a part of. Whenever I am transported to that room, the Ghost percieves *me* as being the transparent spectral figure from the shadows and sees himself as solid and living. It makes me feel that *I* am the one who is Unreal.
And maybe I am Unreal. I am a falsehood created from bits and pieces. I've always known that, but if I don't think about it, I can sometimes forget it. But when I get transported to that room, I remember.
Sometimes I feel that the captive spirit in that room is what's happening in *real life* and I am just some delusion of an insane and badly damaged individual. I try to force myself to believe that I am real, even though I know that I was artificially created.
The Ghost had other things to show me...
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The scene changed, and I was a scientist in a project that had gone horribly wrong. It was supposed to bring about some medical breakthrough. But instead it had driven the test volunteers insane. I had recieved a call from a supervisor telling me that everyone who worked on the project was losing their sanity too and that I would be next. Even as the supervisor said that, I saw the dimensioning and proportions of the room begin to change and distort with the first onset of madness. I was afraid and I felt the weight of unforgivable failure.
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The scene changed, and I was at a vacation resort and everyone hated me. I did not know why I was hated, but I felt the simmering loathing from the minds of others. I hated myself too. I asked a bar tender why she hated me and she said she was tired of getting me mixed drinks. This time, I asked for poison instead so that I could kill myself. I wanted to die and end a life that was useless and full of hate.
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The scene changed, and I was on a beach near a hotel that was sititng on high stilts. I had been swimming for a while when suddenly the waves got a lot higher. There was another person swimming too and I was afraid that he would drown. I dragged him to shore but then he simply disappeared.
The tide came in and the water lever rose by 30' so that the stilts were underwater. My father, who hates me, was in the hotel bar getting drunk. With each sip, his loathing of me increased. He blamed me for the beach being submerged. I tried to tell him that it was just the tide and that it would reverse in a few hours. But he did not listen. He berated me and claimed that I had ruined the vacation he had spent thousands on. He humiliated me publicly in front of everyone else there. His words lashed like a whip. Aside form his words, I could feel the searing hate emanating from his mind. He wished that I could be made to suffer. In his mind, he wished that I would die a slow, horrifying death, and die screaming and gagging on blood and spittle. I saw into his mind the perverse joy he felt in the image of me consumed by unspeakable agony. He wanted me to die gagging on blood and vomit. He wanted me to die in the throes of some excruciating seizure. He wanted to see me die and he wanted that death to last and last and last.
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The scene changed and I was back in the forgotten room with the Ghost. He wrote the words, "And that is how it happened".
I awoke.
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( 3 / 1781 )Friday, April 28, 2006, 01:40 PM - Dissociation & Switching
Choir practice is always a fun activity. Sometimes I think that I enjoy the practice sessions more than the actual church service.
Most of my music capability comes from Thistle. There are times that he just seems to shine with goodness, energy, and purity. I wish I had those features. For me, the instances of shining are few and far between indeed.
I don’t know why my integration centred on Indigo instead of Thistle. I’m not as nice a person and I tend to be more judgmental and aggressive. Thistle does not have these moral failings. He also never has doubts of faith.
If the integration had somehow made Thistle the primary personality, I wonder if I would be in ministry now instead of law enforcement? I know I’d be a lot thinner than I am now because angels don’t eat, ha ha.
I guess that I sometimes become aware of what a broken and morally flawed individual I am, and how Thistle is *not* broken or morally flawed. I guess that’s the difference between being a human and being an angel.
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