Sunday, March 9, 2008, 12:22 AM - Dissociation & Switching
My thoughts are racing and my mind is in chaos. I can't sleep but I'm really tired. But I can't sleep. I'm really upset about the rejection by my now-former mentor. I found out from one of the circle members that the mentor has some condition called Aspergers Syndrome. Apparently it's like a lightweight version of autism, except that the person seems reasonably normal up to a point. When something bad happens in their personal lives, they tend to lash out at others around them in really inapprpriate ways.
With any luck, this guy will not mentor anyone else -- ever.
The thing that sucks is that he knew I had (and still have) a dissociative disorder, and he chose to hurt me anyway. I know I shouldn't take it personally since he did the same thing to everyone else in the circle. But it hurts, damn it. it just really hurts. I thought we were friends too. I guess not.
So now my thoughts are racing, I can't sleep, and I have two church services tomorrow.
My thoughts go round and round with:
-- Indigo: This situation sucks, and i'm tired and angry.
-- Thistle: He's ill, little one, and you should forgive him.
-- Halo: He hates us. We did something wrong. Blood pays for sins.
-- Ashen: Let's kick his ass all over town. I'll make him pay for hurting you, Indigo.
- Willow: Why did he go away? Where did he go?
And that theme goes round and round and round. My mind won't be quiet. I'm so damned tired. :(
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Update:
i think I fell asleep for about an hour, but it was worthless sleep. I had this nightmare about coming home and finding a mutilated corpse in the living room. I don't know if it was male or female since it was draped in white. I was afraid to touch it. But blood oozed through the shroud in seveal spots. Oddly enough, I also had the impression that the body had subsequently been frozen solid. It was a supemely unpleasant, very short, non-restful dream.
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Final update for today:
I managed to get through the church services. Halo manifested because the body was so low on physical energy (we're okay on spiritual energy, however, but the body needs power too.) But Halo did NOT cut. Yay! The choirmaster (Nancy) and a close friend (Joan) know I'm a multiple and can recognize when a different alter is running the body. They were able to talk Halo out of cutting. I am glad for that. They love Halo even though he's in pain. I am so grateful for Joan's and Nancy's friendship.
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( 3 / 1708 )Saturday, March 8, 2008, 07:01 PM - Random Thoughts
I have to say that my day was about as turbulant as the weather. First... the weather. It started out overcast and drizzly (but warm). Then it rained. Then it got really windy. Then it was sunny for a brief time. Then it got windy again (and much colder). Then it started raining again. Then, just as the sun was setting, the skies cleared again. Man!
Now for my day:
Doug and I did our usual Saturday ritual of eating breakfast at First Watch, and it wasn't too crowded for a change (so that was good). Then I did my usual Saturday ritual of going to the gym and doing the "super-workout" (good). Except the gym was closed for some kind of major repair (bad), so I had to drive to the other side of the city to use the other gym that is part of my membership and burn a bunch of gas at $3.19/gallon (bad). My workout went well (good) and I lost another pound this week (good). Then I got a message on my cell phone that I had been ejected from my Wiccan circle (bad) and I had no idea why.
I got home and contacted one of the other circle members and found out that the leader was having some kind of nervous breakdown and had dissolved the circle and was no longer going to mentor anyone (bad) and wasn't interested in being consoled by anyone, talking with anyone, or generally having any role in anyone else's spiritual development (realy bad). All I can do is say a prayer for him and hope he can recover from his illness. I hope that he can.
So, Doug and I tried a new vegetarian restaraunt that was pretty good AND cheap (good). I got a lime/ginger drink that was so acidic that it made my stomach sick (bad).
So... my day was like the weather: warm/cold, bright/dark, calm/chaotic. I guess some lessons have to be experienced to be learned. Part of life is having days like this. Still, I will think positive thoughts for my friend and mentor during his illness even though I doubt I will become his pupil again. My lessons will have to be learned elsewhere.
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( 3 / 1098 )Friday, March 7, 2008, 05:08 PM
I think today qualified as the first real spring rain today. It was upper-50s most of the day and the rain had a delicate gentleness to it as it quietly spattered against the three big windows at work. It was a peaceful and reassuring contrast to the chaos and negative energy that so fills my workplace.
When I left work, I decided to not use an umbrella as I walked the three city blocks from the courthouse to the parking garage. The rain was soft and cool and felt natural against my skin. It felt good to have it gradually soak my hair and have the droplets of clean, fresh water run down my face. I felt really connected to earth and sky. It felt wholesome in some fundamental way that I can't really put into words. Rain is natural and gives life. I was happy even though my clothes got wet :)
Blessed Be
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( 3 / 1046 )Thursday, March 6, 2008, 07:01 PM
So... I've been practicing the Wiccan discipline of drawing/grounding/shielding for about two weeks now and today was a good day to put what I've learned to the test. I had a defendant today that was putting out some really negative energy (not a death aura, but just really negative -- from lifetime of doing negative deeds). She was 57, homeless, had been using heroin and cocaine every day for 34 years, and was charged with a crime of pointless, stupid violence. I figured if I should shield myself from anybody, she was a good candidate. So I tried the Wiccan shielding ritual for the first time for *real* (as opposed to just practicing in a quiet room at home).
I took a calming breath and In my mind's eye, I drew upon some of the energy that Thistle stores in my body every time he flies. I visualized two small kernals of power, at the base of my spine and behind my heart. From those loci, I made them expand until they formed a bubble that surrounded my body at a very tight radius. It was clear, and yet I knew it existed. Visualization imprints the subconscious mind with the desired outcome of a magical procedure. The fifth principle of Wicca is: magic exists, magic is real, magic works.
I opened my eyes.
I could still feel the energy of my body, and the residual energy of the air within the "bubble", but I felt nothing from outside that radius. (How do humans go through life not feeling anything from the world around them?!) My thoughts went from "warm" to "cool" and I was able to deal with this otherwise horrifying defendant with clinical detachment.
Once the defendant had been dismissed from her pretrial release interrogation, I drew the energy back into my body. Once I had done that, I was able to sense the energy of my immdiate environment again (such as it is, working in a downtown urban setting devoid of trees or anything else green and growing). My thoughts went from "cool" back to "warm". The shielding ritual had worked perfectly!
Very awesome! I think I could get the hang of using magic!! :)
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( 3 / 1024 )Wednesday, March 5, 2008, 05:16 PM - Random Thoughts
One of the great things about being a changeling is that I can really feel the change of seasons. There just seemed to be a sense of warm, diffuse, life-energy that permeated the air and the ground today. It was subtle, not overpowering, but just enough that I noticed. To make a visual metaphor, it's like walking into a room that's already lit and then turning on two or three more lights -- it makes everything more visible and warmer. It was a nice feeling and it carried me through a difficult day at work.
Sometimes I feel really connected to the earth in the same way that Thistle feels fulfilled when flying. I wonder if that makes us complementary entities? :)
The time change comes this Sunday to the Eastern Standard Time region of the United States (fyi for Pink, who lives in England). This always helps me a lot because it has the effect of suddenly making the sun set an hour later in the evening. We cherish the sunlight and look forward to having more of it.
I feel really fulfilled and whole being the kind of entity I am. I do believe we're all created for a purpose, and created with love. I am happy to be who I am. Blessed Be.
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( 3 / 1128 )Tuesday, March 4, 2008, 07:49 PM
Today was so frenetic that I might as well have driven a whirlwind to work, heh heh. I had a huge number of defendants to interrogate, but fortunately none of them had that creepy "death" aura. My "clients" were your garden-variety career criminals with huge criminal records and long-running drug problems. But hey! i didn't let their negative energy rub off on me. :) I took Pink's advice and asked Ashen if he could ward off some negative vibes. And he did! Ashen doesn't really talk much, and he doesn't fly. But what he is good at is being a protector. So the defendants' backtalk, theats, and gripes just flew past me but not through me. Yay! :)
So I got to be at home for a whopping five minutes before Doug and headed out to the third Lenten Dinner. They didn't do veggy this time, so i'm basically still hungry. Blech.
Right after that, Doug had his bible study class and i had handbell choir. It's hard core this close to Easter! There are so many pieces to master. But we haven't failed yet, and i know we'll do it this. We're competent. We've got confidence :)
I sorta ran of energy during rehersal, but Thistle did a good job standing in for me. He loves to play handbells!
I'm home now at last. It's time to decompress with an episide of Poirot, hee hee! Fortunately, only Tuesdays are this nutty.
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( 3 / 1000 )Monday, March 3, 2008, 01:32 PM
I have to say that I'm happy about having the changeling ability to know souls. About 95% of the time, this is a really life-affirming capability. Today was the other 5%.
I had a defendant today whose aura of death was so strong that i could barely concentrate on the task at hand while he was near me. I deal with people that have drug problems every day, but this person was different. He just seemed to be infused with death-energy. It was like he was in the process of being consumed. And he was a drug addict, but somehow it seemed like his problem had deeper roots than that. I don't know the right words to say it, since humans can't know souls. But I felt his death and it scared me.
I've only run into a handful of people like this over the past 2.5 years at pretrial. I'm grateful for that. If I had to experience this every day, I'd be unable to cope with this job.
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( 3 / 986 )Sunday, March 2, 2008, 08:40 PM - Random Thoughts
I found a cool psych survey. I'm a sucker for things psychological and/or spiritual. I was happy to learn that my profile is "Benevolent Thinker" Yay!!!!
See the Survey Resut
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( 3 / 1099 )Sunday, March 2, 2008, 06:07 PM - Church Stuff
We have this new associate rector at church that seems like one of the nicest priests I've met in many yeaars. He's also a vegetarian. He's pretty young and has a groovy gotee beard. He goes by "Nick" instead of "Reverend Szobota". He seems like he really is satisfied with his calling too.
The great thing about being a changeling is that we can know souls, and I had a very positive read from him the very first time I met him face-to-face (which was a few weeks ago).
So today I got to hear him preach. He really is gifted by God with the ability to use words for healing. It was the most life-affirming, loving ten minutes of preaching I've ever heard uttered in Saint John's Church. The sermon spoke of how mankind hold some people in contempt for their percieved deficiencies (like the blind beggar in the Gospels). But in truth, God loves those that man does not or will not. God loves people who are different, damaged, and wounded. God loves those that man judges to be unwhole or incomplete. And God loves those who He has created, and that love never stops -- ever.
I wish I could write here the exact words he used, for my retelling does not do it justice. Nick is blessed in a way that few people who claim to lead in Christ actually are.
The impact that the sermon had on me was pretty profound. It reaffrimed that fact the God loves me even though I'm gay. His words reaffirmed that I'm a whole and loved creature even though I'm a changeling and not human; God made me to be what I am and thus I am loved as I am. Even when society may judge me as damaged and treat me as unwanted or defective, God loves me a complete, whole, competent, lovingly created entity. And God loves Thistle, Ashen, Willow, and even Halo, for none of use would exist without God having made us.
It really gave me hope that not all who lead in Christ are cold-hearted fundamentalists, but that the Holy Spirit still acts in the lives of those who want to forgive and love and heal.
Blessed Be.
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( 2.9 / 1396 )Saturday, March 1, 2008, 04:01 PM - Cool Stuff
Well... when perfect days come around, I'm never one to waste them. Doug and I both had the same day off, so that was a real treat. My day started off really peacefully. I had the experience where my mind sort of woke up and my body was still asleep. I tend to call this "standby mode". It's very relaxing and time seems to pass incredibly slowly. It feels regenerative and healing. Over the course of an hour, my body slowly woke up and I felt really refreshed and balanced.
Doug and I went to First Watch for breakfast. It's our favorite Saturday morning thing. They have totally awesome pancakes and french toast. I used to get their ultra-crunchy bacon before I became a veggy, but their scrambled eggs are pretty good. And their bottomless coffee was pretty good.
The wounds that Halo inflicted on our shared body are healing pretty well. There's no infection and we didn't need stitches. The injuries are definately going to scar, but that's okay. There's plenty of scars on the shared body already, so a few more won't make a difference. Halo was aware for a few minutes (deeply, far away). I didn't waste this opportunity. Thistle and I told him as well as we could that we aren't mad at him and we do love him, and that soon things will get better and he'll be safe.
Since the weather was just about perfect (sunny, windy, not too cold), I did a 2.5 mile walk outdoors. Thistle flew and he was able to recover from losing all of his energy in the battle with Halo on Wednesday night. I wish I could relate in words how wonderful it is when Thistle flies. He shines in the sunlight and he seemed to be able to fly really high today. It was just so wonderful! :) He was happy and I felt incandescent. Angels need sunlight, humans need food, changelings need a bit of both. So we are both fulfilled and my changeling spirit rejoices. Thistle was thinking of a friend who has been kind to us and willed some excess sunlight her way. :)
So... after goofing off on Second Life for a while, I went to the gym and did my Saturday super-workout. If I include the outdoor walk, I did a total of 8.6 miles and 1,200 calories. It's great having an obediant body. Nice!!!
I did my Wiccan visualization/drawing/grounding exercises before the sun set. Yay! It's good to feel groounded and re-centered.
Next stop was dinner at Mango Grove. It's a totally awesome all-vegetatian Indian food restaraunt that's not too expensive either. I ordered my dinner "as hot as you can make it", which is a dangerous thing to do in an Indian restaraunt, heh heh. But I love spicy food and I flet like I could exhale fire by the time dinner was done, hee hee hee! This is day 18 of being a vegetarian. the body grumbles here and there, but my changeling spirit is happy for the change. Yay! Fun fun fun!
Days like this are sacred. I didn't waste it. Blessed Be. :)
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