Wednesday, June 25, 2008, 09:18 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
was at counselor. couldn't talk to her. wanted to. could not. tried to. could not. she asked: what does "if we don't move, they can't see us" mean? wanted to say.
bad memory. long ago. bad place. bad people. wanted to talk. couldn't make it happen. was mute.
we remember that place. living in fear. hungry all the time. bad place. bad father. bad people. living in fear. hate being afraid. felt like a coward. am not a coward. felt like a coward. hated how it used to be. wanted to never be seen.
didn't like being hit. didn't like being tortured. bad.
remembered. a time. we locked ourselves in the bathroom. was going to be beaten. remembering the fear. lock disassembled bit by bit. taunted. threatened. lock came apart. tried to hold the door shut. body was too small. couldn't keep the door shut.
dragged out onto porch. held down. kicked and punched. kicked and punched. kicked and punched. slapped. taunted. was bad. was afraid. hurt. hurt. hurt. hated being hurt. hated that place. hated being called a coward. hated being hit. hated being kicked.
wanted to not move. wanted to not be seen.
we learned from that. learned to try to not be seen. learned to shut up. learned to be quiet. learned to stay out of the way. learned to try to never need.
learned to live with being afraid.
was called a coward.
am not a coward. am not a coward. am not a coward.
hate myself. am not bad. am not evil. am not bad. am not a coward. hate myself. hate myself.
wanted to talk about this. could not talk. could not make it happen.
a dead horror. don't want it to have power over us.
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( 3 / 2112 )Monday, June 16, 2008, 06:13 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
hates the father-monster's words. always said am bad, am defective, am worthless, am shameful.
hate myself. hate being freak. hate beung cast away. father-monster hated us. scorned us. shamed us.
place in the darkness
if we don't move, they can't see us
not afraid of the dark
hated having to steal for food
hated seeing dog get fed but not us
hated not eating
hated being hated
cares nothng for fathers day
just a day
just a day
a dead horror
will not be haunted
hate myself. hate how it was. hate having those thoughts. hate having memories. dead horrors.
am not afraid of the dark
am not afraid to cut
am not afraid to see our blood
feel numb
am not undead
am alive
feel numb
want to cut. am not cutting. want to bleed. am not bleeding. blood pays for sins. didn't do anything wrong. blood pays for sins. we didn't do it. didn't do anything wrong. didn't do anything wrong. hated living in fear. hated feeling like a coward. hated being afraid all the time. hated being hit. hated being hungry.
am not a coward. am not a coward. am not afraid of the dark. am not afraid to cut. am not afraid to bleed.
death is easy. living is hard. am not a coward. will not destroy this body with knives and scissors.
have seen the heart of darkness.
am what remains. we did not die.
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( 3 / 2183 )Tuesday, May 6, 2008, 06:27 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
am unfit for human companionship. am dark. broken. am inappropriate for humans. hate myself. not going to choir. humans are good for choir. happy people. am dark. am not human. am a remnant. tried do do human things. didn't work. hate myself. hate being feared. makes people sad. hate myself. so tired. had to incarnate all day. indigo wouldn't come out. indigo's sad. won't come out.
tired halo. sad halo.
tried so hard to act human. no one's convinced. am just a creature. dark. hurt. sad. in pain. hate myself.
won't be around people. will hide. don't like humans to see me. am too dark for them. hate being hated. hate being feared. will never be accepted by humans. friend thinks we're inappropriate. won't be seen in public. halo's no good for humans. hate self hate myself.
skin is numb.
people fear us. won't be seen with us. afraid of us. we're staying away from humans. staying upstairs. staying away from people. people fear us. wish we could be accepted. never will be. never will pass for human. hate myself. want to cut. so tired. indigo won't come out. hiding. sad.
tired halo.
used the lancelet to cut. single drop of blood. good to bleed.
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( 3.1 / 1125 )Saturday, May 3, 2008, 09:46 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
kept my promise. didn't cut. not cutting until may5. tired. bad dreams. dreamed of fire. don't want to die in fire. rather be shot or hung. don't want to get burned. hate fire. hate burns. hate nightmares. hate being haunted. hate being hated.
am changing. have been changing. less creature. more human. bone replaced barbed wire. blood replaced black acid. have skin now. have eyes and face and hands. am changing. better. more human.
not a monster. not evil. not bad. not being bad.
am being good. good person. nice person. being good.
was tired. don't like my domain. want somehwere safe. hate seeing black sky and black acid rain. hate sharp jagged rocks. want a safe domain. somewhere safe to rest. not safe anymore. jagged rocks not safe for flesh.
thistle wants to help. said he'd change things. make less sharp. make it safer. want somewhere safe. tired now. want to sleep. was out today. incarnated a long time. made me tired. don't want to go back to sharp rocks and black rain. want a safe place. hate my domain. tired. so tired.
didn't cut. promised. didn't cut. resisted. want to cut. want to bleed. want to see our blood. to see us bleed. not cutting. resiting. promised. didn't cut. trying. being good. knife is an atheme now so can't use it. have a lancelet now. makes little cut. little blood. less cut. didn't cut yet. promised. won't cut until may5.
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( 2.9 / 1228 )Wednesday, April 16, 2008, 09:38 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
indigo is depleted. is ok. only depleted. tired. we are here because he cannot be here. said to write about today. will write. will do this. we did not cut. did not hurt the body. so we will write about today.
indigo consecrated his wicca tools. consecrated wand, atheme, chimes, altar stones. prayed to mother goddess. was good. prayer was good. mother goddess loves us. kind deity. house filled with smoke. sage. smelled nice. tools are empowered now. good. he did the ritual well. now we can do magic once we learn how. good. mother goddess loves us.
thistle flew. i can't fly. thistle can fly. i cannot. i'm different. thistle is different. i can make the body not feel. he can't do that. he drew a lot of energy from the sun. that made indigo happy. it's good when indigo is happy. i could almost cry today. wanted to. could not. would like to. maybe someday.
indigo made peace with partner-doug. partner said he would be less lazy. won't treat us like a servant. good. he's home now. trying to not let him see us. don't like to let him see me.
one online friend said he won't talk to indigo. afraid of me. afraid of halo. hate it when people fear me. not evil not evil not evil. didn't do anything wrong. feel bad now. hard for indigo to make friends. then when they see me, they run away. i'm not evil. i didn't do anything wrong. didn't do anything wrong. why do people fear me?
that was our day. done.
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( 3 / 1045 )Tuesday, April 15, 2008, 10:20 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
indigo argued with partner-doug. it was bad. they love each other. they got mad at each other. it was bad. we helped indigo not surrender. we didn't cut. we wanted to cut. we didn't cut. we helped indigo stay calm and not yell. yelling is scary. didn't yell. didn't cut. we are okay. we went numb but we are still okay.
we went to choir then. rang handbells. did well. no one saw us. we didn't want to be seen. no one saw us. we were okay.
sleepy now. tired. we get tired when we incarnate a long time. we've been incarnate three hours. tired. must sleep. it will be okay. we are okay.
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( 3.2 / 1238 )Sunday, April 13, 2008, 02:19 PM - halo's thoughts
racing thoughts last night. couldn't sleep. wanted to sleep. could not sleep. tired. so tired. so little energy. we did not cut. we are okay. no cutting. doing ok. tired. can't sleep. so tired. want to rest but cannot rest. chaos. will be okay. not cutting. not cutting. not cutting. we are okay. just tired. depleted. didn't sleep. two church services. no rest. tired. didn't cut. didn't cut. no bleeding. doing okay. just want to rest. will try. will try to rest. will be okay. wil be okay. will be okay.[ 4 comments ] ( 17 views ) | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 3.1 / 830 )Sunday, April 6, 2008, 03:14 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates.
we watch this body bleed. blood pays for sins. god hates us. we cut so that god will not hate us. i hate myself. god hates me. i watch this body bleed. blood pays for sins. we're bleeding. i feel nothing. we can't feel when we cut. blood pays for sins. we're bleeding. we do this to make god stop hating us. god hates us. i hate myself. i feel nothing. but i'm in so much pain. i hate myself. so we cut. we're bleeding. it's red and sticky. it turns into sticky red blobs. i hate myself. why can't i cut enough to make god stop hating us. we're in so much pain. blood pays for sins. we bleed. we watch us bleed. it's never enough. watching us bleed. blood pays for sins. why can't god love us? i'm so tired. i'm so tired. why can't god love us? what did we do wrong? i hate myself. we cut. we offer this blood to god. we pay this blood to god. we watch us bleed. he loves us to be in pain. he loves the people who hurt us. he loves us to be alone in the dark. he loves us to go hungry. he loves the people who hurt us. he loves us to be in pain. so we cut. offer blood to god. offer blood to god. sacrifice. hate myself. feel nothing. watching the body bleed. we're numb. blood pays for sins. tired. tired. tired. hate myself. blood pays for sins. hate myself.
not evil. just couln't fight it any more. just couldn't fight it. so tired. just couldn't fight it anymore. i'm tired. i'm in so much pain. didn't want to cut, but i had to. god likes us to suffer. so we do.
i hate myself. i'm tired.
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( 3 / 989 )Sunday, March 30, 2008, 05:40 PM - halo's thoughts
we did not cut. we wanted to. we needed to. but we did not do it. people are getting ill because of us. one friend has pain. another friend lost balance. another friend has migraines. another friend died of cancer. another friend got diabetis. indigo's partner never has energy to do anything. why does befriending us make people sick? i don't do it on purpose. i'm niot evil. i don't want bad things to happen to people. why doess it have to happen? why do people have to get sick because of me?[ 2 comments ] ( 10 views ) | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 3 / 1131 )Friday, March 28, 2008, 08:52 AM - halo's thoughts
i need to cut. i need to bleed. but indigo took away my knife. he turned it into an athame blade for wicca and now i cannot use it. i hate myself. i need to cut. i need to bleed. blood pays for sins. i hate myself. i am darkness. i have to be here but i do not want to be. they might see me and i don't want to be seen. if i don't move, they can't see me. but i have to be here. i need to cut. blood pays for sins. i hate myself. i need to cut. to see myself bleed. for blood to flow. blood pays for sins. i need to cut. indigo won't let me cut. but i need to cut. i can't stand it. i need to have release. i need to pay. blood pays for sins. i hate myself. i need to cut. he took away my knife. i need my knife. now it is an athame blade for wicca. i can't use it. i need my knife. i need to cut. i need to bleed. i need to pay for sins.[ 6 comments ] ( 28 views ) | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
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