Sunday, April 13, 2008, 02:19 PM - halo's thoughts
racing thoughts last night. couldn't sleep. wanted to sleep. could not sleep. tired. so tired. so little energy. we did not cut. we are okay. no cutting. doing ok. tired. can't sleep. so tired. want to rest but cannot rest. chaos. will be okay. not cutting. not cutting. not cutting. we are okay. just tired. depleted. didn't sleep. two church services. no rest. tired. didn't cut. didn't cut. no bleeding. doing okay. just want to rest. will try. will try to rest. will be okay. wil be okay. will be okay.[ 4 comments ] ( 17 views ) | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 3.1 / 877 )Saturday, April 12, 2008, 03:55 PM
Thistle Incarnates
Indigo wanted this written. He was almost ready to write but he had a sudden loss of energy. He excercised today and pushed himself very hard. He keeps the body healthy through exercise but the effect is that he can suddenly run out of energy soon after. He completed 9.5 miles of treadmill, outdoor walking, and ellipse.
He has stayed positive since Friday afternoon. I am glad. His worship of deity differs in practice than mine, but it is good that he is seeking a way to love and serve deity that does not frighten him or make him feel worthless. I do not think it matters if he calls deity "Goddess" and I call deity "God". The deity -- the universal source of all goodness and life -- knows the motivation of our spirit and loves those who can show love, and cares for those who care. Deity has love, and that is deity's greatest power. If Indigo can love deity (and feel loved by deity) by addressing deity as "Goddess", then that is how it shall be.
It was sunny for a brief period today. I flew. I like to fly. I was created for flying. I love the feeling of the sun, of the bright shining energy. It holds me aloft. It gives me power. I shared my energy with Indigo. Perhaps someday he will trust himself enough to be able to fly as well. Changelings are spirits too. Until then, I am always willing to share what I have. Sharing is akin to love.
I am grateful to deity for giving me life as a companion spirit. I am always grateful. This is a good incarnation. We are blessed.
Tomorrow is church. I look forward to that. It is nice to ring handbells. It is nice to visit with my friend Joan. She can see me when I incarnate. I am grateful to her for how hard she tries to communicate with me. When I incarnate, it is so difficult for me to speak aloud. I cannot speak easily as Indigo can. The physical words come only with concentration and much difficulty. But Joan is patient. She is kind. She waits for me to be able to talk, and when I cannot, she lets me write on paper. She is a kind and good friend and companion. Blessed Be, Joan.
There is another choir member that is beginning to be able to see me when I incarnate. His name is Mike. I am not sure what will happen when he realizes the nature of what he sees. I worry somewhat -- not for myself, but for how he would then view Indigo. I am Indigo's companion spirit and I do not want him to be hurt.
Indigo has a friend named Matt who has also decided to befriend me. I am happy for that. I cannot incarnate for a long duration, so it is nice when I can communicate with Indigo's human friends.
Indigo is feeling positive. He is not wanting to cross the Veil by damaging the body on purpose. That danger has passed. He went to the Wiccan church last night and was able to pray to deity (as Goddess) and that made him feel happy and loved by deity. He is only not here now because he depleted his energy reserves through extensive exercise. He is well. Things are good. Deity loves us. We are well.
Blessed Be
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( 3.1 / 1030 )Friday, April 11, 2008, 06:52 PM
I'm going to take Pink's advice and see if I can think of some positive things about myself. Usually I hate myself, but I'll see what I can think of.
-- I lost 42 pounds and kept it off.
-- I've been a vegatarian for two months.
-- i've been a Wiccan for two months (and have attended a High Rite and am on my 3rd Wiccan text)
-- I pray to the God and Goddess almost every day, and I never forget to pray for people I know who need the prayers.
-- I haven't committed an act of road rage in two months.
-- I haven't yelled "get a job" at panhandlers in two months.
-- I go to church with Doug every Sunday, and I ring hanndbells well.
-- My friends like my roleplaying game.
I think those are good and positive things. :)
Blessed Be
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( 3.1 / 1064 )Thursday, April 10, 2008, 04:22 PM - Dissociation & Switching
Thistle Incarnates.
I have used what gifts I possess to keep this shared body safe today. I have drawn energy from the sun. I have light. I have used my energy to keep Halo from manifesting and cutting. He seeks to injure this body because Indigo wants to feel the sense of peace that comes from cutting. It is not healthy. Indigo also seeks to cross the Veil, but the time that he should Cross naturally is decades away. I will not allow him to manipulate Halo into fatally injuring this body. It shall not be. And thus it will not be.
Indigo and I both have the experience of having our incarnation begin 12 years later than the body's birth. He desperately wants to be reborn so that he can be a natural child. He thinks that God does not live him in his current incarnation. But deity loves. Deity loves all of us, not just the happy ones. He should not confuse the earthly father's hate and cruelty with any motive of deity. He does. But it should not be. And yet it is. I do not know what to do to make him sure of deity's love. The earthy father should face dire accounting for what he has done to Indigo and Halo. To make someone innately fearful of an ever-loving deity is crime of the spirit that is not easily forgiven.
But I trust deity. I love deity. I pray to deity. And so it is that I pray that Indigo and Halo might come to know that it is okay to *live* and okay to be *happy* and that it is not a sin to be loved, whole, and happy. It is not the way of deity to purposefully wound those already wounded and broken. It is the way of the earthly father, but not deity.
And so I have kept the shared body safe. By thought, prayer, word, and deed. This body remains safe. When Indigo returns, he will find no wounds. When he returns, I hope he can know deity's peace and love.
Blessed Be
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( 3 / 1826 )Wednesday, April 9, 2008, 01:03 PM - Dissociation & Switching
There are times when I wish Halo would just cut my throat instead our wrists. He won't do it and I'm too much of a coward to do it myself. And I am a coward. I get so tired of being a useless, broken loser. I am the figment of a dead child's imagination. There used to be someone real tha occupied this body. When that person died, I came into being. I just feel so artificial sometimes.
I think old testament God resents the fact that I haven't committed suicide. It's cowardice that prevents me from doing so.
At least now that I've discovered the Wiccan Gods, I have the hope of a new incarnation after I cross the Veil. I really would like to be born into a family of loving, kind parents that aren't cruel and capricious. More than that, I want to be really REAL, and not the embodied inaginings of some poor dead child who was murdered by the sustained cruelty of a psychopath.
If suicide is called the "coward's way out" and I'm too cowardly for suicide, what does that say about me? I am a disgrace.
I guess, too, that I'm not a useful person. I stagger through this life as some kind of emotional vampire. I'm so wounded and broken that when I make friendships, they get drained dry because i am so emotionally needy. I ca't help it. I can't just NOT have a yawning void where there used to be a little child who died. But if I had the courage, I could at least commit suicide so that I could bring this artificial and grievious life to a close. I animate this flesh that does not belong to me. We should have died 25 years ago. But I am too cowardly to end it.
And I'm basically a boring person too.
If I could be suddenly dead, there would be no one who would remember me beyond a few days. I am worth less than nothing. All I do is drain people and cause hardship for others. I am a disgrace.
--------------------------
Update:
I felt a little better after seeing my therapist. The thing that's hard for someone who isn't fragmented to understand is that I have to cope with the feeling of not being whole. Usually I do that pretty well. Other times it's just really hard to take -- and it makes me want to do a "hard reset", so to speak.
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( 2.9 / 1757 )Tuesday, April 8, 2008, 09:37 PM
Indigo is not available. He feared being shunned by God so he retreated to the background soon after we arrived for choir practice. He did wish for this blog to be written. I do so.
Indigo felt a great deal of calm following Halo's cutting episode. It concerns me that cutting could so easily become an addictive behavior gives the profound relief that action brings. It has not so far. It is good that this system has a therapist now.
It has been overcast for three days. I need to fly soon. I am not desperate yet, but soon I will need more energy.
Halo is still sleeping. I believe he will awaken tomorrow. I can feel him gradually floating upward towards consciousness. It was good for him to sleep.
I think one of the choir members can see me when I incarnate. He does not know who/what I am, but I have the sense that he is questioning why my presence feels "not Indigo". I do not know this person very well, so I do not know what will happen if he discens my true nature.
Indigo misses hus friend Jewell.
Indigo has shifted his spiritual allegience to the Wiccan God and Goddess. I remain Christian (although I do not see God as having a particular genderP. Halo follows the Goddess. Ashen trusts Jesus but not God. Willow sees God as a single shining entoty without flaw or malice but instead full of light and love. As a system, our belief system has become complicated.
I did not want Joan to be sad. She was sad. But we are safe again, and things will get better.
Blessed Be
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( 3 / 1136 )Monday, April 7, 2008, 04:23 PM - Dissociation & Switching
Well... yeah... yesterday was pretty bad.
The thing I always find so astounding is how much better I feel after Halo's done his self-injury. After we've cut and bled, we get this incredible sense of relief and peace. I know that cutting can't possibly be a healthy form of release. It is what it is. I guess that's why I don't fear it. I do try to prevent it from happening as long as I can, but I don't fear it happening. I know I always feel better after we've cut.
I have a lot of clarity of thought today. My mind is not racing. Halo is sleeping -- for now at least. It will probably be a decent time interval until he wakes up and gets the urge to inflict self-injury on the body. I don't like it when that happens, but it does not scare me.
The aftermath of cutting feels a lot like we had been able to cry. It's rare that I can cry. It's even more rare for Halo, who has cried only a few times in his life, despite being the one who bears the uglist memories of this incarnation. I know Halo is not evil. I know he held out as long as he could. When he could resist no more, he did what he must. But we feel better today.
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( 2.9 / 1631 )Sunday, April 6, 2008, 07:42 PM
Well... This entry will probably be a bit more upbeat than the last one.
So, I got tagged with a MeMe that makes the challenge to sum up one's life in six words. Here goes:
First Choice: "My Next Incarnation Will Be Better"
Second Choice: "Next Time, God Might Love Me"
Third Choice: "I was someone who could love"
My six victims for the "MeMe Plague" are:
-- /T at http://codepo.blogspot.com/
-- Boneman at http://boneman-beepbeep.blogspot.com/
-- Four More victims to come :)
-----------------
Oh... After this last cutting incident, I don't think Halo's going to try anymore to get "Old Testament God" to love us. Jesus loves us and the Wiccan God and Goddess love us. We will be satisfied with that.
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( 3 / 1151 )Sunday, April 6, 2008, 03:14 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates.
we watch this body bleed. blood pays for sins. god hates us. we cut so that god will not hate us. i hate myself. god hates me. i watch this body bleed. blood pays for sins. we're bleeding. i feel nothing. we can't feel when we cut. blood pays for sins. we're bleeding. we do this to make god stop hating us. god hates us. i hate myself. i feel nothing. but i'm in so much pain. i hate myself. so we cut. we're bleeding. it's red and sticky. it turns into sticky red blobs. i hate myself. why can't i cut enough to make god stop hating us. we're in so much pain. blood pays for sins. we bleed. we watch us bleed. it's never enough. watching us bleed. blood pays for sins. why can't god love us? i'm so tired. i'm so tired. why can't god love us? what did we do wrong? i hate myself. we cut. we offer this blood to god. we pay this blood to god. we watch us bleed. he loves us to be in pain. he loves the people who hurt us. he loves us to be alone in the dark. he loves us to go hungry. he loves the people who hurt us. he loves us to be in pain. so we cut. offer blood to god. offer blood to god. sacrifice. hate myself. feel nothing. watching the body bleed. we're numb. blood pays for sins. tired. tired. tired. hate myself. blood pays for sins. hate myself.
not evil. just couln't fight it any more. just couldn't fight it. so tired. just couldn't fight it anymore. i'm tired. i'm in so much pain. didn't want to cut, but i had to. god likes us to suffer. so we do.
i hate myself. i'm tired.
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( 3 / 1035 )Saturday, April 5, 2008, 04:37 PM - Cool Stuff
So far, I've been having really good luck with Saturdays lately. Today was pretty good too. I didn't have nightmares last night (a rarity for abuse survivors; and I don't think a dream about being in a car wreck quite rates as a nightmare, heh heh). So I felt pretty good when I got up.
Doug and I went to First Watch for breakfast (big shock there -- we've been going there every Saturday morning since they first opened their doors! But we're not PREDICTABLE!!!) They had a new waitress that kept eyeing my pentacle and I knew she wanted to ask if I was a Wiccan or a Satanist. She didn't ask. If she had, I could have told her "Wiccan", which is or course as far removed from Satanism as it gets.
Oh... I'm almost at the two-month mark for being a vegetarian. Yay!
The weather was sunny for a change, which meant Thistle could fly. I did a two mile walk outdoors and Thistle flew in the bright, warm sunlight. It felt good to draw energy from the sun. For the first time this week, I don't feel fatigued. I am glad. Thistle shines in the sunlight.It's also nice to see the trees awakening and beginning to grow new leaves. Some of the trees have white and pink blossoms. And there are a lot of people in our neighborhood that have planted all kinds of flowers in their front yards. It's nice being able to feel the return of life. It's nice being a changeling since I can sense life. :)
After the walk, I moved my music collection from my dead computer to my laptop. I was smart enough to make a backup of my music files to an external hard drive just before the desktop computer bit the dust. So now I can get my iPod updated too. Yay.
I did a 5 mile workout at the gym too. That was fun. I burned about 985 calories! I try to take good care of this body. I enjoy this incarnation quite a bit, so I plan on making this body last a long time.
I did my taxes today. I'm getting $479 back. Yay! that means I can actually get my (extremely past due)gas/electric bill paid down before they shut off the service. Whoo-hooo!!
The only sour notes on the day is that my mom is sick again, and some religious fundamentalist disparaged my spirituality. Mom doesn't have the best pulmonary system. She's had chronic bronchitis most of her life and she smokes. Yes, that's a bad habit. No, she won't stop smoking. She she gets sick... a lot. It's stressful. She also doesn't take good care of herself when she's ill either. The religious fundamentalist is someone I can easily dismiss. He talks in King James English and sent me a link to some fundamentalist website called "Lies of Wicca" or some nonsense like that. Yeah... I'm sure that site has fair and balanced reporting on Wicca, ha ha ha!
But I have faith that mom will get better. And I will pray on her behalf.
Now we're watching a British mystery. Yay! Gotta love those British murder series. Folk get bumped off in such classy ways, heh heh.
So... things went pretty well today :)
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