Sunday, April 6, 2008, 07:42 PM
Well... This entry will probably be a bit more upbeat than the last one.
So, I got tagged with a MeMe that makes the challenge to sum up one's life in six words. Here goes:
First Choice: "My Next Incarnation Will Be Better"
Second Choice: "Next Time, God Might Love Me"
Third Choice: "I was someone who could love"
My six victims for the "MeMe Plague" are:
-- /T at http://codepo.blogspot.com/
-- Boneman at http://boneman-beepbeep.blogspot.com/
-- Four More victims to come :)
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Oh... After this last cutting incident, I don't think Halo's going to try anymore to get "Old Testament God" to love us. Jesus loves us and the Wiccan God and Goddess love us. We will be satisfied with that.
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( 3 / 1151 )Sunday, April 6, 2008, 03:14 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates.
we watch this body bleed. blood pays for sins. god hates us. we cut so that god will not hate us. i hate myself. god hates me. i watch this body bleed. blood pays for sins. we're bleeding. i feel nothing. we can't feel when we cut. blood pays for sins. we're bleeding. we do this to make god stop hating us. god hates us. i hate myself. i feel nothing. but i'm in so much pain. i hate myself. so we cut. we're bleeding. it's red and sticky. it turns into sticky red blobs. i hate myself. why can't i cut enough to make god stop hating us. we're in so much pain. blood pays for sins. we bleed. we watch us bleed. it's never enough. watching us bleed. blood pays for sins. why can't god love us? i'm so tired. i'm so tired. why can't god love us? what did we do wrong? i hate myself. we cut. we offer this blood to god. we pay this blood to god. we watch us bleed. he loves us to be in pain. he loves the people who hurt us. he loves us to be alone in the dark. he loves us to go hungry. he loves the people who hurt us. he loves us to be in pain. so we cut. offer blood to god. offer blood to god. sacrifice. hate myself. feel nothing. watching the body bleed. we're numb. blood pays for sins. tired. tired. tired. hate myself. blood pays for sins. hate myself.
not evil. just couln't fight it any more. just couldn't fight it. so tired. just couldn't fight it anymore. i'm tired. i'm in so much pain. didn't want to cut, but i had to. god likes us to suffer. so we do.
i hate myself. i'm tired.
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( 3 / 1035 )Saturday, April 5, 2008, 04:37 PM - Cool Stuff
So far, I've been having really good luck with Saturdays lately. Today was pretty good too. I didn't have nightmares last night (a rarity for abuse survivors; and I don't think a dream about being in a car wreck quite rates as a nightmare, heh heh). So I felt pretty good when I got up.
Doug and I went to First Watch for breakfast (big shock there -- we've been going there every Saturday morning since they first opened their doors! But we're not PREDICTABLE!!!) They had a new waitress that kept eyeing my pentacle and I knew she wanted to ask if I was a Wiccan or a Satanist. She didn't ask. If she had, I could have told her "Wiccan", which is or course as far removed from Satanism as it gets.
Oh... I'm almost at the two-month mark for being a vegetarian. Yay!
The weather was sunny for a change, which meant Thistle could fly. I did a two mile walk outdoors and Thistle flew in the bright, warm sunlight. It felt good to draw energy from the sun. For the first time this week, I don't feel fatigued. I am glad. Thistle shines in the sunlight.It's also nice to see the trees awakening and beginning to grow new leaves. Some of the trees have white and pink blossoms. And there are a lot of people in our neighborhood that have planted all kinds of flowers in their front yards. It's nice being able to feel the return of life. It's nice being a changeling since I can sense life. :)
After the walk, I moved my music collection from my dead computer to my laptop. I was smart enough to make a backup of my music files to an external hard drive just before the desktop computer bit the dust. So now I can get my iPod updated too. Yay.
I did a 5 mile workout at the gym too. That was fun. I burned about 985 calories! I try to take good care of this body. I enjoy this incarnation quite a bit, so I plan on making this body last a long time.
I did my taxes today. I'm getting $479 back. Yay! that means I can actually get my (extremely past due)gas/electric bill paid down before they shut off the service. Whoo-hooo!!
The only sour notes on the day is that my mom is sick again, and some religious fundamentalist disparaged my spirituality. Mom doesn't have the best pulmonary system. She's had chronic bronchitis most of her life and she smokes. Yes, that's a bad habit. No, she won't stop smoking. She she gets sick... a lot. It's stressful. She also doesn't take good care of herself when she's ill either. The religious fundamentalist is someone I can easily dismiss. He talks in King James English and sent me a link to some fundamentalist website called "Lies of Wicca" or some nonsense like that. Yeah... I'm sure that site has fair and balanced reporting on Wicca, ha ha ha!
But I have faith that mom will get better. And I will pray on her behalf.
Now we're watching a British mystery. Yay! Gotta love those British murder series. Folk get bumped off in such classy ways, heh heh.
So... things went pretty well today :)
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( 3 / 1610 )Saturday, April 5, 2008, 01:35 PM
Ever have one of those times when you're sleeping and you have a dream within a dream? It feels disorienting for a while when you finally wake up for real, ha ha.
So, in last night's dream, I was driving up to Altoona to visit my mom. I was a pretty, sunny day and it was the height of spring since the mountainous regions of Route 70 were green and full of life. It was warm and breezy.
It's too bad I was driving while tired. In real life, I often have sudden losses of energy, and what usually happens is that another alter (usually Thistle or Halo) will take over until my energy returns (which is usually anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours, but rarely more). In thi case, however, I fell asleep at the wheel... Bummer.
So I was then in the dream-within-a-dream. In this part, i was talking with Thistle, except everything was different. in thi part of the dream, we were both little, round, incredibly cute furry creatures (there is no animal in real life that looks like what we looked like). We were sort of talking using thought alone since we weren't physically speaking, and yet we were communicating. I don't remeber what we talked about (now that i'm awake), but we were both feeling happy and not worried about anything.
Well, that part of the dream ended really suddenly when I "woke up" to find that i had driven my car into a lake while I was snoozing behind the wheel. Aaaiieee! Fortunately, I had been driving with the windows down, so i wasn't trapped in the car. I dragged myself to shore -- humiliated, but otherwise unharmed -- and though "this truly sucks".
I didn't have to wait too long for a tow truck, although the guy looked at me as if I was a real idiot. He was probably right, har har.
The dream ended with my Civic Hybrid gradually emerging from the murky depths, water-logged and covered with mud.
So... when I woke up for real, my first thought was "what the heck just happened?!" Ha ha ha!
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( 2.9 / 1231 )Friday, April 4, 2008, 08:08 PM - Random Thoughts
Took (borrowed) this from Tigeryogi and Coco this week...
1. What is in the back seat of your car right now? An empty box, three pine cones, and a coffee mug.
2. When was the last time you threw up? About 15 years ago in college – I got food poisoning.
3. What’s your favorite curse word? I don’t really curse much.
4. Name 3 people who made you smile today? Doug, a co-worker, and the clerk at the gym
5. What were you doing at 8 a.m. this morning? I was working on some warrant petitions to put some baddies behind bars.
6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Eating dinner. Yum!
7. Where were you born? I was never “born”. I was incarnated into a pre-existing body.
8. Have you ever been to a strip club? Once – in college. It was overrated.
9. What is the last thing you said aloud? “Do you want the last roll?”
10. What is the best ice cream flavor? Peanut butter
11. What was the last thing you had to drink? Diet Dr Pepper
12. What are you wearing right now? Classified .
13. What was the last thing you ate? Fettucini alfredo, carrots, and rolls
14. Have you bought any new clothes this week? No
15. Where were you last? The gym
16. What’s the last sporting event you watched? I can’t remember… not really a sports fan.
17. Who won? Beats the heck out of me!
18. Who is the last person you sent a comment/message while blogging? Eleania (from Second Life)
19. Ever go camping? Yes
20. Where do you live? Baltimore
21. What song are you listening to? None right now, but I was listening to Jalan Jalan earlier.
22. Do you tan? yes, but I wear a lot of sunscreen. I had two patches of precancerous skin removed a few years ago.
23. Do you drink your soda from a straw? Usually
24. What did your last text message say? “We didn’t cut today”
25. Who’s your best friend? My partner, Doug
26. What are you doing tomorrow? Eating breakfast with Doug at First Watch.
27. Where is your mom right now? Bi idea
28. Look to your right, what do you see? Doug, sitting in a chair, and he’s watching “Murder City”
29. What color is your watch? I don’t wear a watch. My changeling life-energy somehow kills off wristwatches – quickly.
30. What do you think of when you think of where you live? “The city is filled with rats as big as cats, and the streets crawl with junkie bums.”
31. Ever ridden on a roller coaster? yes, and love every moment of it
32. What is your birthstone? I don’t have one.
33. Do you go in at a fast-food place or just hit the drive through? I usually walk in
34. What is your favorite number? 3
35. Do you have a dog? Lola. She is a half Labrador and half Corgie.
36. Last person you talked to on the phone? My friend Ed.
37. Have you met anyone famous? No
38. Any plans today? Nope. I’ve already done everything I need to do today.
39. How many states have you lived in? Florida, Georgia, Maryland, and Pennsylvania
40. Ever go to college? Salisbury State. B.S. Mathematics
41. Where are you right now? Home, sitting on the couch
42. Biggest annoyance in your life right now? Stagnant wages at the same time that taxes and gas prices keep going up.
43. Are you struggling to forgive someone right now? no
44. Are you allergic to anything? Bees.
45. Favorite pair of shoes? My gym shoes
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( 3 / 1563 )Friday, April 4, 2008, 07:55 AM
The thing I don't understand about Old Testament God is why he picks out certain people as his playthings -- and then chooses to play roughly with his toys.
One of the reasons I'm moving towards Wicca is that I'm just tired of Old Testament God hating me. I'm tired of him rewarding people who wound me. I'm tired of the fact that he so infrequently answers prayers and then expects me to grovel before him on the few times he does (assuming he even did answer on the few times I give him credit for answering.)
I have never felt love from Old Testament God. Ever. OTG makes a big deal about how we're fallen and not good enough. And yet, OTG makes people like David a king (who had his best friend murdered so he could marry his best friend's wife). And OTG did nothing to stop the slaughter of his chosen people on numerous occasions.
But in my experience, OTG has punished people who love me and has lavishly rewarded people who wound me. I also suspect that OTG resents the fact that I haven't committed suicide. I think OTG resents that fact that New testament God (Jesus) does love me enough to create my spirit out of nothing in order to animate this human body. And yet, for some reason, it seems that OTG resents my continued existence.
There is no use worshipping a deity that hates me. OTG has not been, and never will be, a loving Father to me. NTG (Jesus) is, but OTG is not.
The problem is that it's hard to worship Jesus when Old Testament God loathes me.
In Wicca, the God and Goddess love all life -- even wounded life. There is no lake of fire into which we are cast after death. If we fail to learn the lessons of this incarnation, our life is *reviewed* but not *judged* and our spirit is sent back to live out another incarnation in order to learn the lessons we missed. A loving parent forgives her children when they make mistakes.
OTG loves my earthly "father", I figure. The more my "father" hurt me, the more OTG rewarded my "father". He retired rich, at age 48, and has everything. That's just how OTG operates.
And that's why I worship the Wiccan God and Goddess. At least in this faith I feel loved when I pray.
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( 3 / 1095 )Thursday, April 3, 2008, 07:14 PM - Random Thoughts
I'm happy to say that I finally did get some decent quality sleep last night. One of my Wiccan friends worked with me for a while on visualizing and meditation techniques. So I put the lesson to use when it was time to sleep. Lo and behold! I fell asleep quickly and didn't have nightmares. Yay!
It turns out that it was a good thing I got the rest. Work was nuts! We had a huge number of people to process and we had to do a lot of drug testing on defendants already under supervision. I think I did about 30 drug tests. (urine bottles... yuck...)
But hey! I had the energy to do six cases, 30 drug tests, and write five warrant petitions (for the goofballs who didn't play by our rules).
It's too bad the weather changed before we got off work. I was hoping Thistle was going to get a chance to fly again. Unfortunately, it's dark grey, miserably cold, and raining. But I can't complain too much. After all, we need rain, and we need the balance between the light and the dark.
I'm headed out to choir now. Church is always fun since Nancy is such an awesome Choir Master. She pushes the choir really hard, but it's worth it. We reallly do make pretty music when we sing and ring handbells.
I guess my only church anxiety right now is about communion. I wonder how much longer I can, in good conscience, continue to take communion in church as my faith in the Wiccan deity grows. I should talk to the priest and see what he says. I'm just not sure that they ARE seperate entities. Intuitively, it seems to me that there is only one deity but many, MANY ways to worship deity. It's something that mighttake me a while to resolve.
Oh... I'm being bad again... I'm writing this blog whil driving a car. Aaaiieeee!!!!
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update:
Yay! I didn't wreck my car while posting my blog. Yeah... that's a pretty bad habit I've got, heh heh.
Choir was great. Thistle came out for the practice, since he really likes church music and he likes Joan and Nancy a lot. I am glad that he has friends who accept him at face value. :)
Oh... and I'm taking Pink's advice: I'm *not* going to talk to my priest about my Wiccan practices. I don't need any human's stamp of approval in how I choose to worship God/Goddess.
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( 2.9 / 1252 )Wednesday, April 2, 2008, 09:34 PM - Random Thoughts
Well... today was a lot better than Monday and Tuesday.The only down thing that happened was that we had a really terrible nightmare last night. But abuse survivors get bad dreams a lot. The dream involved a nightmare about an evil father who had supernatural powers. He had a small child that he used his powers on. He murdered his child by somehow having writing snakes erupt out of his abdomen. It was horrible and savage.I hate dreams where I feel the emotional drives of the characters. The father was a beacon of hate and the child was a beacon of fear and suffering.
So I woke up feeling completely fatigues -- as if I hadn't slept at all.
But things got better throughout the day. First, it was sunny, so Thistle got to fly. It was wonderful. He flew and was shining in the bright warm sunlight. He has an aura of silver when he draws energy from the sun, and I feel it too. It's a wonderful feeling.
My quasi-lazy coworker did a *little* bit of work today, ha ha. I got lucky on the defendants. I had only trespassing and misdemeanor assault cases today. I didn't have to process any desperados.
Thistle was in the forground for therapy today. He mostly wanted to talk about how it can be that he believes in God, and yet my fundamentalist friends treat him in such an un-Christian way.
I think we'll try to get some rest. :)
Blessed Be
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( 3 / 1387 )Tuesday, April 1, 2008, 10:40 PM - Random Thoughts
It was busy and tiring for Indigo. He has run out of energy and so I must report. He wanted me to write this.
And so I do.
He feels that one of his coworkers is lazy. She calls out sick very often and this increases Indigo's workload when she is not present. Because she was not present today, Indigo's workload was very high. This frustrated him.
Indigo also was injured in a small accident. He slipped and fell, and it resulted in a large scrape and bruise on his elbow. It bled through his shirt. He was not seriously injured, but it colored his perceptions of the day.
The defendants were not disagreeable, hoever, and were generally cooperative. Unlike yesterday, the defendants were people better suited for Pretrial supervision, as they were all charged with midemeanor offenses. That was manageable.
Indigo briefly ran out of energy towards the end of his duty shift. Halo incarnated but he did not harm the body.Halo has become stronger in his resistace of the urge to self-mutilate. Halo wanted to inflict cutting but he resisted. That is good.
We meditated after work and put to rest some of the stress of the day. Meditation helps add stability to our system.
It was sunny for only a few minutes. I could fly for only a few minutes. My energy reserves are low but not yet depleted. Perhaps tomorrow will be sunny and I will be able to fly.
Handbell choir was enjoyable.There is a certain energy created when people of joyous spirit come together to worship God. It is true that few of the choir members worship the same way, but I believe that there is but one deity, and that deity hears all of our prayers and songs.
We are home now. This body is tired and sore. Tomorrow will likely be a better day.
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( 3 / 1509 )Monday, March 31, 2008, 06:42 PM - Random Thoughts
Well... Today was a pretty gloomy affair. It was grey, cold, and drizzly all day. It's the kind of day that make my fingers get cold and stay sorta stiff all day. The defendants were just ghastly today as well. Usually we just get low and mid-level criminals at Pretrial (petty theft, drug possession, misdemeanor assault, etc.) But today I had a cold-blooded murderer (1st degree murder at that!) I processed an armed robber (who got a haul of a whopping $171 from his victim). Then there was a misdemeanor gun case. Finally, I had a second robber. Egads.
When processing the release for the murderer (yes, some judge actually let him out pending trail), I performed a Wiccan shielding discipline since I did not want a single trace of this monster's negative energy to interface with me. So I felt nothing about him or from him as I did his release interview. But what a monster. He already had four prior convictions for crimes of violence. But he was going home. Unbelievable.
The only bright side of my day was that another judge signed off a warrant petition I prepared on Friday for a twice-convicted wife-beater. The defendant was in non-compliance with his pretrial supervision, so I asked that the defendant be re-arrested and his bail increased from $10,000 to $25,000. The judge agreed and now this bully is back behind bars. At least I did something useful for the community.
It remained cloudy the whole day. That means Thistle couldn't fly. That means that I, too, could not receive any sunlight energy. I am tired. I didn't sleep well last night either (that happens a lot.)
Halo was out for a while, but he did not cut. He's getting quite good at resisting the self-destructive urges he feels every time he manifests. He's resisted the urge very time for the past two months. This is good.
Right now, I am just goofing off. I'm tired. I had some veggy lasagna for dinner (yum!) But otherwise I'm doing a whole lot of nothng. But there's no choir tonight and Doug's at work until 9:00pm. I think it's okay to do nothing for a while.
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