Tuesday, May 6, 2008, 06:27 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
am unfit for human companionship. am dark. broken. am inappropriate for humans. hate myself. not going to choir. humans are good for choir. happy people. am dark. am not human. am a remnant. tried do do human things. didn't work. hate myself. hate being feared. makes people sad. hate myself. so tired. had to incarnate all day. indigo wouldn't come out. indigo's sad. won't come out.
tired halo. sad halo.
tried so hard to act human. no one's convinced. am just a creature. dark. hurt. sad. in pain. hate myself.
won't be around people. will hide. don't like humans to see me. am too dark for them. hate being hated. hate being feared. will never be accepted by humans. friend thinks we're inappropriate. won't be seen in public. halo's no good for humans. hate self hate myself.
skin is numb.
people fear us. won't be seen with us. afraid of us. we're staying away from humans. staying upstairs. staying away from people. people fear us. wish we could be accepted. never will be. never will pass for human. hate myself. want to cut. so tired. indigo won't come out. hiding. sad.
tired halo.
used the lancelet to cut. single drop of blood. good to bleed.
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( 3.1 / 1166 )Tuesday, May 6, 2008, 06:21 AM - Random Thoughts
Indigo Incarnates
Halo used his diabetic lancelet to cut yesterday and drew only a single drop of blood. That worked for him. That compromise worked, since he gets to have his release and yet the body is not put at risk. This is a good thing. I don't know why inflicting self-injury makes this system feel better afterwards, but it does. At least now there's no chance of accidently causing serious injury. I can't even see the pinprick this morning.
I had a friend cancel out on going to Six Flags when my friend found out we were going only with each other and not with a group. I am such a freak.It was unfair to ask in the first place. Who in their right mid would want to spend quality time with a mentally ill, self-injurious dissociative, homosexual witch? I don't have many friends, and none of them feel safe around me one-on-one. I'm a broken, damaged, shell of a person. It's no wonder I'm shunned.I hate myself too.
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( 2.6 / 1298 )Sunday, May 4, 2008, 10:50 AM
Indigo incarnates
I had a real moment of clarity this morning when I pulled into church parking lot. Outside the building, the sun shone brightly and warmly, the breeze blew the scent of blossoms through the air. The trees are nearly fully green again and I could FEEL their life-presence. The sun felt warm on my hands and face. The twittering and cawing of birds made me really happy. As I looked into the wooded field next to the church, I realized "THIS is where God is, not inside a building of stone and glass."
How did i not know this before walking the Wiccan path?
During the church service, I kept finding myself thinking thoughts like "I believe in Jesus, but i don't think Jesus is the ONLY manifestation of deity." And "Old testament God makes a lot of promises to his followers, but he didn't deliver". And "Why is the definition of 'righteousness' as 'grovelling before Old Testament God'?" And "Why is the ethos of Jesus so loving and forgiving while Old testament God is so capricious and hateful?"
Then I though of the Lord and Lady in my Wiccan faith. They love what has been created, what breathes, what has life and grows. The Mother Goddess does not demand we grovel before her. She loves us. She understands light and dark. In the Wiccan path, we are responsible for our behavior. We are to love. We are to forgive. We are to share. Just because we don't grovel before some angry god of the scorched desert doesn't mean we're evil. I think evil is hurting others on purpose, or inspiring others to hate, or withholding charity when one can afford to give, or withholding love when one can love, or refusing companionship to the lonely and friendless. That's evil.
Worshipping God in a different way *isn't* evil. having a life-long lover of the same gender is not evil. Caring for nature is not evil. Using magic for healing is not evil. Casting spells to bless crops and animals is not evil.
That is what I learned today.
Blessed Be
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( 2.9 / 1082 )Saturday, May 3, 2008, 09:46 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
kept my promise. didn't cut. not cutting until may5. tired. bad dreams. dreamed of fire. don't want to die in fire. rather be shot or hung. don't want to get burned. hate fire. hate burns. hate nightmares. hate being haunted. hate being hated.
am changing. have been changing. less creature. more human. bone replaced barbed wire. blood replaced black acid. have skin now. have eyes and face and hands. am changing. better. more human.
not a monster. not evil. not bad. not being bad.
am being good. good person. nice person. being good.
was tired. don't like my domain. want somehwere safe. hate seeing black sky and black acid rain. hate sharp jagged rocks. want a safe domain. somewhere safe to rest. not safe anymore. jagged rocks not safe for flesh.
thistle wants to help. said he'd change things. make less sharp. make it safer. want somewhere safe. tired now. want to sleep. was out today. incarnated a long time. made me tired. don't want to go back to sharp rocks and black rain. want a safe place. hate my domain. tired. so tired.
didn't cut. promised. didn't cut. resisted. want to cut. want to bleed. want to see our blood. to see us bleed. not cutting. resiting. promised. didn't cut. trying. being good. knife is an atheme now so can't use it. have a lancelet now. makes little cut. little blood. less cut. didn't cut yet. promised. won't cut until may5.
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( 2.9 / 1273 )Saturday, May 3, 2008, 06:09 PM - Random Thoughts
Last night was pretty cool. I ran my roleplaying game with Doug and two other friends. It was a lot of fun. It was basically part two of the "Firefly Sanctuary" dungeon. The brave adventurers had to face a giant, man-sized skelletal hand that punched and slapped them all over the place. Then they fought two Undead captains who led mutually-opposing armies of the dead against each other in a semingly eternal conflict. Then they solved the mystery of a jilted bride who had the power to unleash hell's fury at any untruthful man. They eventually found the Firefly Sanctuary and were able to refill the decanters from which healing potions are made.
My night was not too good. I had a terrible nightmare that involved me getting burned to death. It was ghastly. I never want to experience that again. It's not the only time I've been killed in a dream, but the ones that involve being burned to death are the most horrible.It made me wake up tired -- like I hadn't slept at all. I would have almost rather had insomnia than have that dream.
Saturday was better, however. I took a nice 4.5 mile walk into the NCR trail and did a prayer ritual to the Lord and Lady. I can feel the sumble, gentle power of the magic circle. It's nice to feel the quiet love of the God and Goddess. The only hard part was finding somewhere secluded enough to pray that was still accessible from the main trail. I did find such a place. I think only one person saw me. that was good.
After that, I test-drove a car. Doug was really happy with his test of the Scion xD, so I gave it a spin today too. I got the wee beastie up to 100 MPH with little difficulty. :) Who would have thought? The dealer agent is pretty nice. He's not trying to shove a car down our throats or trying to upsell us into a Lexus. So far so good. Maybe next Saturday Doug will have his new car!
Halo was out for a while, but most of his friends were offline. Oh well. He does seem to be changing for the better. He's more human and less creature than he once was.
So... today's not too bad. :)
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( 3 / 1366 )Friday, May 2, 2008, 08:00 AM
Yesterday was my first celebrated Beltaine. It was really nice. I think one of the special things about Wicca is that it is a personal, intimate religion. It can be celebrated in groups or it can be celebrated in solitary.
Yesterday, I took a two mile hike into the NCR Trail (a state park in Maryland) and found a secluded spot to do a worship ritual. I brought some candles, incense, my finger chimes, and my wand. It was drizzling so no one else was about. The park was silent except for the sounds of birds and the soft hiss of the gentle rain. It was peaceful.
I cast my magic circle and recited the Rede. Then I simply meditated on the love I have for the God and Goddess. And all I asked for was their love. And it does feel like I am loved. :)
I felt really safe there in the wooded trail, with no people nearby, standing inside my circle. There's a subtle presence of life-energy that ordinary humans miss but changelings can sense. It's hard to describe in words, but I'm blessed with the ability to sense it. I am happy for the experience and am blessed with being called to the Wiccan path.
Blessed Be
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( 2.9 / 1139 )Thursday, May 1, 2008, 09:25 AM
Man! The event I have been dreading has finally occured. The IMA warning light on the hybrid car lit up yesterday, indicating that the battery array capacity has fallen below spec. In other words, that huge $2,800 array of batteries in the trunk is almost worn out. It's not a surprise, since the warranty is for 100k mikes, the expected service life is 150k miles, and my car currently has 135k miles. I have no doubt tht the battery pack will be totally defunct in another 15,000 miles.
That sucks, since I *LIKE* my car.
So, I'll keep driving it until the first time it strands me. But after that, I'll have to trade it in. The general plan is for me to start driving Doug's Accord (since it has only 72k miles on it and is in really good mechanical condition and has only cosmetic damage). Doug's leaning towards getting a Cobalt or a Yaris, since they're inexpensive, cute, and they get good gas mileage.
Oh well... One can't fight off entropy forever, heh heh.
On the bright side, Doug found my cell phone! Yay!
On the magical front, I did a healing ritual for a friend last night (the same as earlier this week). She's in bad shape. Her breathing is getting better, but she had a fainting accident (yesterday) and is in lot of pain as result. It just sucks that someone as nice as her has to be burdened with really serious health problems. I remembered to do shielding and grounding this time. The interesting thing about working with energy is that the area inside the magic circle really does heat up during the ritual. That, and it's physically draining. On the bright side, I had no trouble sleeping last night, and I didn't have nightmares.
Today is Beltaine! It's the first time I'm Wiccan enough to want to celebrate it. Yay!
Blessed Be
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( 3 / 974 )Wednesday, April 30, 2008, 06:04 AM
I didn't get a chance to write an entry yesterday because I misplaced my cell phone. I usualy write my posts from the cell phone's browser. I still don't know where it is, but I know it's in the house somewhere because I heard it make it's lamentable "death tone", when it's battery died. Crap! But how can I find it if I can't make it ring?! Aaiieeee!!!!
But I digress, heh heh.
Anyway... I used what I learned from my Wicca class to write what I hope will be a more effective healing spell. Since tomorrow is Beltain, I'll try it out then, since that is a day of power. If it happens to be sunny that day, it'll be even better.
So, my Book of Shadows has it's first entry. Very exciting!
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( 3 / 1024 )Monday, April 28, 2008, 06:40 PM
Well... It's been rainy/overcast for two days. My energy is low today. I can feel Halo in the background. Fortunately, he's not feeling compelled to cut. Thistle and I came up with a compromise on cutting that Halo will try. We have a diabetic lancelet that he can use instead of a knife or scissors. A lancelet basically inflicts a really tiny wound and only a drop or two of blood will leak out. With any luck, it will be enough. Time will tell.
The work day was unpleqsant. All of the defendants were unemployed and drug addicted. That wouldn't be so bad were it not for the fact that the defendants don't want to be off drugs! Like, I can see getting hooked on drugs, but I can't fathom the idea of LIKING being an addict! I would think one's life would have to be pretty empty to choose that path for one's life.
The spell I did for my friend yesterday had some positive effect, except she had a fall in the kitchen today, so now she's sort of banged up. I feel so sorry for Aianna. Really bad nerve disease (not fatal, but persistant and painful). Side note: I wasn't trying to cure her nerve disease, only her pulmonary infection. Anyway, when she had the kitchen accident, it REALLY hurt. :( I wish there was more I could do for her than just prayers and little spells.
I don't have enough energy for magic today. I barely have enough energy to remain incarnated as Indigo. I am pretty sure I'm going to lose power some time this evening, which will mean Halo will be out. At least I know he's not going to cut tonight.
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( 3.1 / 1097 )Sunday, April 27, 2008, 08:08 PM
Today was a pretty easy day. I had church this morning. I talked to my priest about a spiritual issue and found out he reads my blog (although he's never posted a comment that I'm aware of). This means he knows I have MPD and he knows I'm studying Wicca, and he knows I'm a changeling. So... I was expecting to get kicked out of church. But that's not what happened. He told me I am welcome, and that he likes me very much. I am in good standing. This made me very happy!
The choir loft was as hot as a sauna, so most of the members ended up taking their robes home to get washed. We sweated through our clothes. Yuck!
Doug's thinking about trading his car in for a Checy Cobalt. It really is a nice car for $16,000. I'm pretty sure we can afford one after July since Doug and I will both be getting Step raises from our jobs.
I felt well enough to to do a pretty vigorous workout at the gym. I did 6.2 miles and burned 905 calories. Yay!
I performed a healing spell for a friend who is *really* sick. She has two conditions, one curable (a pulmonary infection) and the other is not curable (but fortunately not fatal either). I focused my intent on the curable illness. The magic circle got pretty warm for a while and I focused my intent until the warmth faded again (which I suppose meant I had expended all the magical energy I had gathered.)
I had to use earth-drawn energy today, unfortunately, since it was overcast today. It's much easier to use sun energy since both Thistle and I are sun-aligned. I am glad that I'm studying Wicca so I can learn how to do healing for people. I really want to help others.
So... today was pretty good :)
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