Wednesday, July 23, 2008, 09:05 AM
Indigo Incarnates
My back is okay again. Yay! Oddly enough, when Halo incarnates the body, it somehow causes the body to heal at a very rapid pace. I find it interesting that Halo has gone from being an entity that hurts the body to being one that helps the body. This is a good thing. After all, I'm a 25-year-old life-force animating a 38-year-old body, so I try to keep the physical conditioning in some semblance of being 25.
I got my raise for finishing my midcycle review in "Exceeds Standards" status. So I will now get $10/month more (after tax!) Of course, the currency has hyperinflated so much under Bushonomics that I'd really need a $400/month raise to have the same purchasing power I did three years ago. But I am very happy for the raise.
I saw the movie Soylent Green and it got me to thinking that the scenario in that movie could probably take place by 2025 (when the movie takes place) if we keep getting far-right billionaire-friendly compassionate conservatives for another 8-12 years or so. Basically, in the movie there were a select few incredibly wealthy people and the rest of the population lived in unimaginable poverty. Moreover, food prices had hyperinflated so high that a pint of strawberries cost $225. Of course, the Feds subsidized nutrition wafers for the masses so that people got fed just enough to keep from starving to death (but not one calorie more). Of course, malnourished, underfed people can't riot effectively, and that's how the government likes it. Of course, the fod wafers turned out to be recycled human flesh mixed in with a plankton substrate. Nice.
On a more cheerful note, I did a prayer ritual last night. It's always nice praying to the Goddess because I feel loved when I pray. Unlike YHVH, the Goddess is proud and joyful that the natural world exists. YHVH only likes to destroy and punish. The Goddess in immanent (meaning that She is manifest in many aspects of life), whereas YHVH is transendant (meaning that He is distant, detached, and judges from afar). I choose to dedicate my life to a loving, kind, and nurturing deity rather than one that seeks only to punish and condemn. I am happy that I have discovered the Wiccan path.
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Halo Incarnates
is dark out not. vast storm. sky flashes. is pretty. am not afraid of storms. sky is pretty when dark and filled with swirling clouds. am not afraid. rain is soft. thunder rumbles. love the mother goddess. is good to have storms and rain and wind.
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( 3 / 999 )Monday, July 21, 2008, 05:50 PM
Indigo Incarnates
Well... I am not feeling too well today. I accidently did something to my back yesterday evening that made it really sore. So having a moderate amount of pain was enough to keep me from getting much sleep (I did sleep, but in useless 30-40 minute chunks, and I kept waking up in pain).
Sometimes being tired makes me dissociate, sometimes it simply makes me feel depressed. Today was just a "simply feeling depressed" kind of day. I did my job okay but without any kind of real satisfaction. I was desperately fatigued. It's not the kind of tiredness that makes me in danger of falling asleep, but rather the grey fatigue that makes it seem to hurt just to be alive.
I hate it when my body isn't functioning correctly. I am a changeling life-force occupying a human body and I have high expectations out of it, har har. So today was bad. My back hurt, my ankle hurt, I felt dizzy, I had tremors (damned psych meds), and I was feeling depressed and tired. Blech.
Well, I survived the work day. I processed a junkie bum who didn't see anything wrong with driving around in a car stocked up with guns and dope, of course, he was unemployed since 2003 and had no plans for finding work, har har.
I don't think I'm going to stay up late. I am super-tired. I hope I feel better tomorrow.
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( 3 / 1114 )Sunday, July 20, 2008, 04:52 PM
Indigo Incarnates
This weekend was pretty cool. I had my roleplaying game on Friday. The players went up against a desperado called the Death Dealer. The guy had a deck of cards that dealt mondo damage each round each time a card was turned. Very cool.
I had my superworkout on Saturday and burned 957 calories. A Rita's snowball stand opened in our neighborhood too. That was a nice surprise. I also had Wicca class. That was pretty nice. We studied some candle magic and learned more about the Wiccan holidays. My instructor said she was able to sense Thistle's presence (he was in the background during class yesterday).
Today, I did a 2 mile walk outdoors. thistle got to fly. Willow got to see lots of pretty trees and flowers. It was nice. I hit the gym for a while. I couldn't do the whole workout since I sometimes get peripheral weakness due to an old injury. Oh well. I did 4 miles before i had to stop.
So, overall, it was a nice weekend. :)
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( 3 / 1203 )Saturday, July 19, 2008, 12:26 PM
Indigo Incarnates
I've learned a lot about various religions during the past few years. My experience in law enforcement has also given me insight into what kinds of behavior people of various faiths find acceptable. So... Here's my comparison/contrast between Wicca, Christianity, Fundamentalist Christianity, and Wicca:
MURDER AND ACTS OF VIOLENCE
-- Wicca: Since life is sacred and a gift from the Goddess, murder is not permitted. The Wiccan Rede also prohibits purposefully inflicting harm on another being.
-- Christianity: Life is sacred and a gift from God and murder is considered a grievous sin. Jesus' "Golden Rule" commands Christians to treat others as they would like to be treated.
-- Fundamentalist Christianity: Murder is generally considered bad, although Christians often feel justified in killing homosexuals and witches.Fundamentalist Christians tend to murder their own children in spectacular ways. Violence against strangers is not usually tolerated, but Fundamentalist Christians are surprisingly tolerant of domestic violence and child abuse.
-- Islam: A suicide / mass-murder combination is considered the "passport to paradise". Violence against "Infidels" is celebrated. Domestic violence is celebrated.
ECOLOGY
-- Wicca: The earth is a sacred thing and is a physical manifestation of the Goddess (although the Goddess is also more than that). Because life is sacred and the earth is sacred, the environment should be protected and enhanced.
-- Christianity: Humans are given stewardship over the earth and are thus earth's caretakers.
-- Fundamentalist Christianity: It's okay to devastate the environment since Jesus will fix everything when He returns.
-- Islam: This religion cares absolutely nothing for the environment.
ALCOHOL AND DRUGS
-- Wicca: Because the body is sacred, it is bad to damage it with drugs or through excess consumption of alcohol.
-- Christianity: Technically it is not a sin to use illegal drugs, but few Christians do because that practice often leads to actions that are sins (such as theft, assault, etc.)
-- Fundamentalist Christianity: Drugs are bad, but it's fine to get drunk every weekend and beat your wife/kids/dog/etc.
-- Islam: Alcohol is bad, but it's just fine to snort cocaine, shoot heroin, and then mow down Jews with a suicide bomb.
CHARITY
-- Wicca: Many Wiccans give to pro-environmental charities or to those that seek social justice.
-- Christianity: Many Christians give to charities that feed the poor/hungry or promote education.
-- Fundamentalist Christianity: They consider the GOP and NRA to be charities.
-- Islam: They consider Hamas and Al Queda to be charities.
WORK ETHIC
-- Wicca: It's good to have a balance between work and play.
-- Christianity: Work is needed because it allows for the family unit to function. But the workplace should be safe, productive, and pay enough for raising a family.
-- Fundamentalist Christianity: It's ok for child labor to take place in China so we can get cheap goods at Walmart. It's ok for child labor when it comes to American agriculture, so long as the kids working 14 hours a day are Mexicans. CEOs are blessed by God, as evidence of their financial success.
-- Islam: It is permissible to be on welfare, since that frees up time for drug dealing and committing random acts of violence.
FAMILY VALUES
-- Wicca: Children are a gift from the Goddess and should be cherished. Marriage is generally optional but can be dissolved if one partner is unfaithful or violent.
-- Christianity: Children are a gift from God and should be cherished. Marriage is sacred and is generally maintained except un cases of infidelity and/or domestic violence.
-- Fundamentalist Christianity: Children should be taught to fear their parents. It is okay to beat or physically/emotionally abuse children. Some fundamentalists drown their children in lakes or bath tubs. Marriage is until death of a partner. Married women are supposed to tolerate infidelity and/or abuse at the hands of their husbands because it is their "cross to bear".
-- Islam: It is a sacred act to turn children into suicide bombs that blow up dozens of people at once. Alternatively, some Islamic men tend to father illegitimate children all over town and take little interest in their upbringing. Women are considered breeding stock and must tolerate all manner of violence at the hands of their husbands, even unto death.
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( 3.1 / 1289 )Friday, July 18, 2008, 11:57 AM
Indigo Incarnates
So... it was about three years abo that our body weight 221 pounds and it totally disgusted us. We started getting back into shape for a couple of reasons: I wanted to get my physical body more in sync with my changeling self-image; Ashen had wanted to be a cop and that required passing a really challenging physical endurance test. Three years later, we now weigh 179, for a total weight loss of 42 pounds in just under three years.
The trouble is, even when I lose weight, it feels like my weight loss was not good enough. When I weighed 221, I wanted to weigh 200. When I weighed 200, I wanted to weigh 185. When I weighed 185 I wanted to weigh 180. So, now I keep thinking of 165 as my next target weight. I know intellectually that 165 is too thin for my body frame and height. But emotionally, I always feel fat. I hate eating. I do try to skip meals when I can, but I find that difficult because my metabolism is so fast (that's because a changeling life-force animates this human body). On the other hand, I exercise a lot (again, my fast metabolism allows me to accomplish some pretty impressive physical feats.)
I do intellctually know where my fear of obesity comes from. The father-monster always called us fat. He called us a "disgusting pig" even when we had nearly starved to death. How a 12-year-old child weighing 69 pounds can be called "fat", I don't know. But that was the situation when I incarnated the body in 1982. I could see all my ribs through my skin. And somehow I was "fat".
The funny thing about the sentient mind is that it subconsciously believes what it is told if the message is repeated often enough. So i have this drive to be ever thinner. I know I'm not fat. I know I don't need to lose weight. Yet, I feel the need to lose another 15 pounds somehow.
The father earned his title of "monster"
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( 2.9 / 1102 )Thursday, July 17, 2008, 09:05 PM
Thistle Incarnates
Indigo is tired but he asked that I recount the day's events. I do so now.
He woke up with a swollen eye that was inflamed due to an allergy. He had initially thought that he would require medical attention, but the inflammation subsided as the day wore on.
He has been purposefully minimizing contact with others because he feels that his social skills are insufficient for meaningful interaction with human beings. I do not believe that to be the case in truth. However, this is Indigo's perception. This focus was brought into effect by a series of careless statements aimed at Indigo by a thoughtless coworker who was apparently in an unpleasant mindset for three consecutive days.
Indigo was angry to find that a murderer received only three years in prison for shooting someone else to death with a firearm. He rejoiced, however, when he was able to get to warrants served on a different defendant who was unemployed and drug addicted. that the defendant was also caught with firearms in his car added to Indigo's sense of victory, as he (correctly) feels that drug dealers shuld not have access to firearms but instead should be imprisoned.
After work, Indigo exercised the body for four miles. The current body weight is 179. There had been a time three years ago when it weighed 221 pounds.
I was able to fly in the sunlight. It is good to have sunlight and energy. I was very happy.
Indigo prayed to the Goddess. He feels peace praying to deity. I can understand why he needs to think of deity as female even though I know deity to be a whole being that can manifest as either male or female.
And so that is our day. Blessed Be.
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( 3 / 1030 )Tuesday, July 15, 2008, 08:27 AM
Indigo Incarnates
Why not have a compare/contrast?
==================================
What did you want to be when you ‘grew up?’ I wanted to be a professional writer of sci-fi/fantasy fiction.
What are you now? I am a Pretrial Release Investigator. I did get two books published, but they were flops.
What fictional character did you identify with as a child? Lt Commander Data, from Star Trek Next Generation.
How about now? Well… I sorta decided to emulate the kindness and spirituality of my friend Jewel who died earlier this year.
What is your ‘Gay Pride’ Song? “Macho Man” from the Village People.
What is your drag song (we ALL have one)? Several from ABBA
Earliest memory? My earliest memory is in the summer of 1982 when I first incarnated the body. There is an indefinite period of “no memory”, before that, everything seems sorta third-person. My first thought was “something changed”. My second thought was “I am not alone”.
Memory you’d like to forget? I’d like to forget that my first partner ditched me on the first-year anniversary and then said he was “going back to being straight”, as if such a thing is possible.
If you ran for a seat in political office, what would be your platform(s)? I’m with Halo on this one: green party. After all, it’s the only political party where it’s okay to be a Wiccan.
Winehouse. Want her to succeed or are you over her? I just don’t know who this person could be!
The first person you thought you loved? My best friend in Jr. High. Too bad he was straight. We’re still friends to this day.
The first person you actually loved? My first partner. Too bad he was a louse.
The person you love now? My wonderful partner, Doug. We’ve been together 9 years!
If you could be, do, have, own, or possess anything you wanted, what would it be? If I could have any wish granted, I’d like the ability to cure diseases and heal injuries in others simply by willing it to be.
Even if you are in love with someone right now, who are you/could be crushing on right now? Brendan Fraiser! Such a hunk!!
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( 3 / 1184 )Monday, July 14, 2008, 09:09 AM
Halo Incarnates
indigo would answer better. indigo is not here. halo answers.
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What did you want to be when you ‘grew up?’
wanted to be a priest
What are you now?
halo helps indigo be an investigator. gets criminals arrested.
What fictional character did you identify with as a child?
identified with Deanna Troi on Star Trek.
How about now?
have difficulty identifying with anyone. am not good at that.
What is your ‘Gay Pride’ Song?
don't have one.
What is your drag song (we ALL have one)?
don't have one
Earliest memory?
getting screamed at for wetting the bed. body was 5. screamed that we did it on purpose. didn't do it on purpose.
Memory you’d like to forget?
would like to forget being tortured. had locked self in bathroom. lock disassembled from outside. was pulled out and kicked and hit and kicked and hit and kicked. then was called a coward. would like to forget that.
If you ran for a seat in political office, what would be your platform(s)?
green party
Winehouse. Want her to succeed or are you over her?
don't know this person
The first person you thought you loved?
a girl in college.
The first person you actually loved?
a friend who lives far away
The person you love now?
doesn't matter. halo cannot be loved back. am too dark. cannot be loved by others. wish we could. cannot be.
If you could be, do, have, own, or possess anything you wanted, what would it be?
would like to be whole. would like to be able to help others.
Even if you are in love with someone right now, who are you/could be crushing on right now?
doesn't matter. halo cannot be loved by others.
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( 3.1 / 1107 )Saturday, July 12, 2008, 10:35 AM
Indigo Incarnates
I wish that I could stop having nightmares involving the father-monster. I hate it how in my nightmares involving him that he is always so damned powerful and triumphant. I just hate it. No matter how much therapy I've gone to, the potency of my nightmares have never diminished one whit. I think the father-monster is a supernaturally evil person. Maybe the bad dreams will stop when he dies.
Last night's dream was unpleasant. In this dream, the father-monster was a telepathic, undead revenant of incredible power. He wanted to capture me and make me become like he is. He pursued me through an empty, ruined city. Sometimes in my dreams, my alters can take form outside my dream-avatar's body. They tried to decoy the father-monster, but he could tell the difference between me and the alters. He was bent on turning me into an evil undead revenant. That form woulld basically be the diametric opposite of me being a changeling (aligned with life, sun, spirit).
I ran into a building and tried to fool the father-monster into thinking I was taking the elevator. I wanted to take the stairs. My idea was that i would lose him somewhere inside. The father monster appeared and with a wave of his hand made the stairs disappear. Ashen stood between me and him and drew his black daggers to make melee combat against the father monster. I remember thinking that Ashen's daggers were very powerful. The dream ended before they could start fighting. I know that Ashen *hates* the father-monster and would like to see him dead. But the intensity of that looming confrontation made me wake up.
sucks.
I hate feeling like I'm haunted. :(
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halo incarnates
am dark. am sad. will never be whole. will never be accepted. halo drags others into the abyss. have too many needs. am overwhelming to others. no good. am too intense. this despair drains others. unfit for humanity. unfit. too dark. am damaged. brings others dows. am a conduit of the abyss. hate myself hate myself hate myself.
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Thistle incarnates
The System is in imbalance. We will have equilibrium again. It is difficult for Indigo and Halo. They have memories that I do not share and those memories are hurtful. In person, their phyches are very intense and that intensity has the effect of driving others away.
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halo incarnates
need to cut. need to bleed. blood pays for sins. have to cut. need to cut. hate myself. hate myself for causing darkness. makes nice people afraid. makes nice people overwhelmed. makes nice people back away. am too intense. others can see the darkness and despair. makes others afraid. want to cut. blood pays for sins. hate myself. am unwhole. am incomplete. am so lonely. am like a void. am not human. can never be complete. am dark. hate myself. need to cut. need to bleed. need to pay the cost of still living. am not supposed to be alive but still am. carries paid. carries despair. carries darkness. am so alone. hate myself.
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( 3 / 1012 )Friday, July 11, 2008, 09:06 AM - Church Stuff
Indigo Incarnates
I've been on the Wiccan path for five months as of today. That also means I've been a vegetarian and booze-free for five months. My body, mind, and spirit feel better. Too much meat slows down the body, too much alcohol clouds the mind, and praying to an unloving god tortures the spirit. So, my diet is much better and I pray to a deity that loves me back. Things are good!
The amazing thing I've found is that when I pray to the Mother Goddess, I really do feel loved. When I used to pray to YHVH, I always felt like a wretched, unwanted creature. But the Goddess does love. The Goddess is immanent as well as transcendent (ie, she is real unto herself and also has presence in all living things everywhere.) I think the "immanent" part is how it is possible to commune when I pray. It is wonderful to be loved and accepted. It is wonderful to know that I was created as a good entity, not as some filthy wretched "sinner". The choice to do good or evil is mine, and I choose to do good. There is freedom in Wicca to choose to do the right thing. For in this faith, it's not a matter of "sinning" or "not sinning", it's whether you've helped or harmed. I choose to not harm, so that is a good thing. That helps me be in harmony with the Goddess. I am glad.
It's nice to feel loved. Blessed Be.
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