Saturday, July 12, 2008, 10:35 AM
Indigo Incarnates
I wish that I could stop having nightmares involving the father-monster. I hate it how in my nightmares involving him that he is always so damned powerful and triumphant. I just hate it. No matter how much therapy I've gone to, the potency of my nightmares have never diminished one whit. I think the father-monster is a supernaturally evil person. Maybe the bad dreams will stop when he dies.
Last night's dream was unpleasant. In this dream, the father-monster was a telepathic, undead revenant of incredible power. He wanted to capture me and make me become like he is. He pursued me through an empty, ruined city. Sometimes in my dreams, my alters can take form outside my dream-avatar's body. They tried to decoy the father-monster, but he could tell the difference between me and the alters. He was bent on turning me into an evil undead revenant. That form woulld basically be the diametric opposite of me being a changeling (aligned with life, sun, spirit).
I ran into a building and tried to fool the father-monster into thinking I was taking the elevator. I wanted to take the stairs. My idea was that i would lose him somewhere inside. The father monster appeared and with a wave of his hand made the stairs disappear. Ashen stood between me and him and drew his black daggers to make melee combat against the father monster. I remember thinking that Ashen's daggers were very powerful. The dream ended before they could start fighting. I know that Ashen *hates* the father-monster and would like to see him dead. But the intensity of that looming confrontation made me wake up.
sucks.
I hate feeling like I'm haunted. :(
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halo incarnates
am dark. am sad. will never be whole. will never be accepted. halo drags others into the abyss. have too many needs. am overwhelming to others. no good. am too intense. this despair drains others. unfit for humanity. unfit. too dark. am damaged. brings others dows. am a conduit of the abyss. hate myself hate myself hate myself.
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Thistle incarnates
The System is in imbalance. We will have equilibrium again. It is difficult for Indigo and Halo. They have memories that I do not share and those memories are hurtful. In person, their phyches are very intense and that intensity has the effect of driving others away.
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halo incarnates
need to cut. need to bleed. blood pays for sins. have to cut. need to cut. hate myself. hate myself for causing darkness. makes nice people afraid. makes nice people overwhelmed. makes nice people back away. am too intense. others can see the darkness and despair. makes others afraid. want to cut. blood pays for sins. hate myself. am unwhole. am incomplete. am so lonely. am like a void. am not human. can never be complete. am dark. hate myself. need to cut. need to bleed. need to pay the cost of still living. am not supposed to be alive but still am. carries paid. carries despair. carries darkness. am so alone. hate myself.
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( 3 / 1083 )Friday, July 11, 2008, 09:06 AM - Church Stuff
Indigo Incarnates
I've been on the Wiccan path for five months as of today. That also means I've been a vegetarian and booze-free for five months. My body, mind, and spirit feel better. Too much meat slows down the body, too much alcohol clouds the mind, and praying to an unloving god tortures the spirit. So, my diet is much better and I pray to a deity that loves me back. Things are good!
The amazing thing I've found is that when I pray to the Mother Goddess, I really do feel loved. When I used to pray to YHVH, I always felt like a wretched, unwanted creature. But the Goddess does love. The Goddess is immanent as well as transcendent (ie, she is real unto herself and also has presence in all living things everywhere.) I think the "immanent" part is how it is possible to commune when I pray. It is wonderful to be loved and accepted. It is wonderful to know that I was created as a good entity, not as some filthy wretched "sinner". The choice to do good or evil is mine, and I choose to do good. There is freedom in Wicca to choose to do the right thing. For in this faith, it's not a matter of "sinning" or "not sinning", it's whether you've helped or harmed. I choose to not harm, so that is a good thing. That helps me be in harmony with the Goddess. I am glad.
It's nice to feel loved. Blessed Be.
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( 3 / 1717 )Thursday, July 10, 2008, 03:38 PM - Dumb Happenings
Indigo Incarnates
Well... the past few days have been uneventful, so I actually have time to vent about a certain person that I shall simply refer to as "the lazy coworker". Lemme tell ya: She is a person of morbid curiosity to me since I have never seen a lazier person somehow continuously hang onto a job year after year.
At my workplace, it's a standard workday to process 5-6 cases each day. Basically, the process involves compiling a complete criminal history for the defendant, doing a 6-page standard interrogation, escorting the defendant to the lab for drug testing, and writing the initial case notes for the file. Yeah, it's a long, drawn-out process and that's why 5-6 cases per day is the norm. I also write warrant petitions for non-compliant defendants.
Well, the lazy coworker completely drags her heels all day long. So on a day that I do six cases, she typically does four. On a day that I do five cases, she ends up doing three. On those 7-8 case days, she never does more than five no matter how busy it is at work. I had a ten case day once and she still did only five. She chit-chats with the defendants for long periods of time. Then she chit-chats with co-workers. Then she calls her sister on the phone and talks and talks and talks. Around noon, she starts getting calls from bill collectors and she argues at top volume with the various people with whom she has a past-due balance (she bought a house and I'm guessing she bit off more then she could chew).
She always complains about money, but she does the bare minimum to keep her job. But if you end up each review period in "Needs Improvement" status, you don't get a raise. You have to get at lease a score of "Meets Standards". She, I'm sorry to say, rarely does.
Then there is the problem of her calling our sick all the time for the most trivial of reasons. Her sick leave use always seems to coincide with a very heavy case docket. After working for the State for 10 years, she has only 28 hours of sick leave! I have 288 hours after 2.5 years.
To add insult to injury, she actually BRAGS about being lazy! She has told me repeatedly about her various methods of drawing out the time on case processing so that other people will end up carrying part of her duty load. Yeah. But I'm one of the "other people". Geeez! She's actually proud of having figured out how little is the bare minimum to stay employed. She won't do less than the bare minimum, but she certainly won't do one whit more.
Just to put into perspective, she was just starting her second case today at the exact moment that I was *finishng* my third case. But she and the defendant were just yucking it up in her cubicle. ::sigh::
It just gives me a headache sometimes! That's my venting for today. Egads!!!
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( 3 / 1609 )Tuesday, July 8, 2008, 09:15 PM
Indigo Incarnates
Wow! Today was a tough one. I was physically sore in the aftermath of the 603 mile drive. My workday was hellish because i was tired and achy and the lazy coworker called out sick AGAIN, which meant I had to do extra work.
Over on Java's blog, she writes about summer doldrums. I feel it too. It's always a drag to haveto go back to work after having five days off. ::sigh::
I am so tired and sore. I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow after some rest.
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( 3 / 1203 )Monday, July 7, 2008, 09:09 PM
Indigo Incarnates
I am trying to write this before I run out of energy for incarnating the body, i am really, really tired. I drove 603 miles today. Egads!
I wanted to say what nice friends Doris and Clint are. I've never met people that fully accepted all of the members of our system like they have. I had a really nice time for the July 4th holiday.
It was a really nice week. We got to see a big lake that was in a park full of green trees. We saw some skinny bird swallow a huge fish in one gulp. We got to see a plant nursery that had lots of sunflowers. We visited a goat farm that also had some llamas, catfish, chickens, and peacocks. There was a little toy train museum there as well as a playground. Willow got to ride on the swings. It was great.
Willow likes to play, nut he has a hard time incarnating a 185 pound body when he expects it to weigh 40 pounds, It frustrates him. But he really had fun on the swings. :)
We got an odd potato chip dish that had lots of cheese. Yum! Clint and Doris were really nice in making vegetarian stuff for me (et all) to eat. They made veggy burgers and a home made corn & potato soup. Doris made ice cream too!
The July 4th fireworks were great. It was really late at night, which meant Willow was out. He loves fireworks. Clint made sure he didn't fall down a big hill since Willow loses his balance sometimes.
I took Joe, Angel, and Timmy's out for milkshakes last night since it was my last night there for a while (I'm welcome back, but I don't get a lot of vacation time yet from my job, so it will be at least six months before I can return.) They liked the milkshakes a lot. We don't have Sonic fast food in Baltimore, so getting a Sonic shake was a treat for me too!
Halo came out a few times. He really likes Doris, and she understands his darkness and is not afraid. He had to use his lancet once, but it was okay. That gadget is so much safer and less destructive compared to when he used to inflict self-injury with a knife or a pair of scissors.
This morning was the long, long, long drive home. The Capitol Beltway is a singularly awful piece of purgatory. It was just plain awful. But we made it home in one piece. Yay!
It was a really nice week. :)
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( 3 / 1444 )Sunday, July 6, 2008, 05:46 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
sad to have to leave. doris is dark mom. nice friend. not afraid of halo. will miss doris. gave halo lots of hugs. not afraid of halo. has been good. good to have dark mom. will miss doris and clint, lucy and angel. accepting of halo. not afraid. am glad. good to not be feared. good to be loved. good to be like a person not like a creature. am good. been good. will miss doris-mom. glad for this week. sad to go.
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( 3 / 1159 )Saturday, July 5, 2008, 06:51 PM
Indigo Incarnates
Yesterday and today was realy nice. I'm visiting Doris for a few days and it's been a really great visit.
Clint (Doris's husband) took us out to see the Independence Day fireworks. It was pretty cool. Willow was out for that since it was late at night and I get tired after 9:30 most nights. Willow loves fireworks and had a fun time. We also got to roast marshmallows. Cool! Doris set up the electric ice cream churn and made ice cream for all of us. Yummy!
Today we visited a goat farm and saw goats, llamas, and peacocks. I always like llamas because they are really cute and have HUGE eyes. We also saw some huge catfish that lived in a lake there. We also got to swing on a swing set, which Willow liked a lot. It was a tall swing so it was good for three-year-old that happens to be 5'10".
I got my hair cut for a whopping $11. Cool!
Now we're watching "The Birds". It's such an awesome film! I just love it when the crazy hag in the diner shrieks at Tipping Hendron, "All these problems came when YOU showed up. You're evil! You're eeeeeevilllll!!!" And them somebody cracks the old hag across the jaw to snap her out of it. Egads!
Oh, and Doug is buying his sister's little motor scooter since she apparently is terrified to ride it. But I, on the other hand, actually have a Class M driving license. I think a scooter will be great for in-city use since the gas mileage is about 100 MPG.
Doris made some rice crispy treats. So much for my diet, heh heh! Think has been such a fun mini-vacation. :)
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( 3 / 1090 )Thursday, July 3, 2008, 08:53 PM
am willow. saw a nice lake today. had lots of trees. lake had lots of rocks in it. people had fast boats. saw some birds and some big bugs. one bird ate a really big fish. it must have been hungry. ate it one one big gulp! saw two trees that got put together somehow. they ended up becoming one really big tree. Neat! lake was pretty. lots of pretty clouds too. got to have cheese and crackers. yum!
went to a nursery and got to see sunflowers. got to see big plants that looked kinda like torches. they have a huge tree there. i touched it. tree seemed happy. strong. tall. wide. so present.
nice talking to doris. nice person. doris-mom. likes willow.
rode in a great big truck too. neat!
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( 2.9 / 1357 )Wednesday, July 2, 2008, 10:13 AM
indigo incarnates
I'm visiting my friend Doris for the July 4th holiday and it sure is a long drive there! I don't mind driving since she drove the same distance to see me in May. i am 250 miles into a 589 mile trek. So far so good. I've remained incarnate for the when drive thus far. It's also sunny out so Thistle has been able to fly a lot today. Our endurance is always higher when we have sunlight. It's nice being a changeling!
---- 9.5 hours later...
Ok! I made it here in one piece. Halo did the last hour of the drive. I was able to incarnate again once I got a shower. Yay!
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( 2.9 / 1104 )Tuesday, July 1, 2008, 04:08 PM
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