Thursday, April 17, 2008, 07:36 PM
Thistle Incarnates
It was a good day today. I was able to fly for a long time. The sky was so bright and blue and clear. The air was warm and clean nd full of energy. Life awakens in so many things. It was beautiful. I shine in sunlight. I can look at the sun and it does not dazzle me. I am happy. My life is a blessing.
I am so grateful to deity for granting me this life. I think of this every day. To have knowledg of the love of God and to have the gift of flight is such a wondrous blessing. I am glad to share my light and love with Indigo. And I love halo as well, although we are very different, his gifts are s crucial as mine. I am glad for this incarnation. i am glad to be a companion spirit. i am glad to have life.
It was good to fly. It was good to draw energy from he sun. We are restored in full. We are ready for any need. I was given life to do this: to love, to give energy, to give companionship, and to guide. I do this and I am fulfilled and happy to do so.
Blessed Be
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( 3 / 976 )Wednesday, April 16, 2008, 09:38 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
indigo is depleted. is ok. only depleted. tired. we are here because he cannot be here. said to write about today. will write. will do this. we did not cut. did not hurt the body. so we will write about today.
indigo consecrated his wicca tools. consecrated wand, atheme, chimes, altar stones. prayed to mother goddess. was good. prayer was good. mother goddess loves us. kind deity. house filled with smoke. sage. smelled nice. tools are empowered now. good. he did the ritual well. now we can do magic once we learn how. good. mother goddess loves us.
thistle flew. i can't fly. thistle can fly. i cannot. i'm different. thistle is different. i can make the body not feel. he can't do that. he drew a lot of energy from the sun. that made indigo happy. it's good when indigo is happy. i could almost cry today. wanted to. could not. would like to. maybe someday.
indigo made peace with partner-doug. partner said he would be less lazy. won't treat us like a servant. good. he's home now. trying to not let him see us. don't like to let him see me.
one online friend said he won't talk to indigo. afraid of me. afraid of halo. hate it when people fear me. not evil not evil not evil. didn't do anything wrong. feel bad now. hard for indigo to make friends. then when they see me, they run away. i'm not evil. i didn't do anything wrong. didn't do anything wrong. why do people fear me?
that was our day. done.
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( 3 / 1102 )Tuesday, April 15, 2008, 10:20 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
indigo argued with partner-doug. it was bad. they love each other. they got mad at each other. it was bad. we helped indigo not surrender. we didn't cut. we wanted to cut. we didn't cut. we helped indigo stay calm and not yell. yelling is scary. didn't yell. didn't cut. we are okay. we went numb but we are still okay.
we went to choir then. rang handbells. did well. no one saw us. we didn't want to be seen. no one saw us. we were okay.
sleepy now. tired. we get tired when we incarnate a long time. we've been incarnate three hours. tired. must sleep. it will be okay. we are okay.
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( 3.2 / 1291 )Monday, April 14, 2008, 05:35 PM
Indigo Incarnates
I didn't get a chance to write about how well Saturday's RPG went. I was out of energy Satuurday and Halo had the foreground most of the day. I got enough sleep last night that I can be incarnate today. So here goes.
I set up a mission in which the players would have to make a journey to a sacred grove called the Firefly Sanctuary on behalf of the Arcadia church. They need the mission completed because The Firefly Sancuary is the only known source of a magical liquid called the Water of Life, which is used for making heaing potions and other curatives.
Of course, getting there is half the fun. It involved threading through a long cavern that stretches across an entire mountan. Since the time of the Great Darkening, the mountain pass has aquired supernaturally evil features and properties. And this is where Halo's dark creativity really excels.
Halo created some truly frightening encounters for the players. He doesn't write mere monsters, but rather creates scenes that really convey pain, loss, and horror. It's a good outlet for him, and probably the reason he didn't cut yesterday.
Here are some of the encounters he wrote:
-- The Festival of Despair
-- Screams in the Darkness
-- Where the Weary Cannot Rest
-- The Memory of the Dead
-- The Cauldron
-- The Price of Faith
My friends really like the new psychologically frightening aspect of my campaign style, and it seems to help Halo. So that's pretty good.
I based the Arcadia church on Wicca. Doug noticed that, but the other players don't recognize it for what it is (yet). My friend Jeff is an ultra-fundamentalist and it shows in how he roleplays. Despite the fact that World of Gaianar has a polytheistic setting, Jeff always has his characters saying stuff like "I follow the only true god, and all the others are FALSE!" Ha ha ha ha!
Well... they didn't find the Firefly Sanctuary yet, but there"s always next time (in three weeks). My Arcadia priest character got to fling some groovy spells too. All in all, it was a real blast!
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( 3.1 / 1099 )Sunday, April 13, 2008, 02:19 PM - halo's thoughts
racing thoughts last night. couldn't sleep. wanted to sleep. could not sleep. tired. so tired. so little energy. we did not cut. we are okay. no cutting. doing ok. tired. can't sleep. so tired. want to rest but cannot rest. chaos. will be okay. not cutting. not cutting. not cutting. we are okay. just tired. depleted. didn't sleep. two church services. no rest. tired. didn't cut. didn't cut. no bleeding. doing okay. just want to rest. will try. will try to rest. will be okay. wil be okay. will be okay.[ 4 comments ] ( 17 views ) | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 3.1 / 877 )Saturday, April 12, 2008, 03:55 PM
Thistle Incarnates
Indigo wanted this written. He was almost ready to write but he had a sudden loss of energy. He excercised today and pushed himself very hard. He keeps the body healthy through exercise but the effect is that he can suddenly run out of energy soon after. He completed 9.5 miles of treadmill, outdoor walking, and ellipse.
He has stayed positive since Friday afternoon. I am glad. His worship of deity differs in practice than mine, but it is good that he is seeking a way to love and serve deity that does not frighten him or make him feel worthless. I do not think it matters if he calls deity "Goddess" and I call deity "God". The deity -- the universal source of all goodness and life -- knows the motivation of our spirit and loves those who can show love, and cares for those who care. Deity has love, and that is deity's greatest power. If Indigo can love deity (and feel loved by deity) by addressing deity as "Goddess", then that is how it shall be.
It was sunny for a brief period today. I flew. I like to fly. I was created for flying. I love the feeling of the sun, of the bright shining energy. It holds me aloft. It gives me power. I shared my energy with Indigo. Perhaps someday he will trust himself enough to be able to fly as well. Changelings are spirits too. Until then, I am always willing to share what I have. Sharing is akin to love.
I am grateful to deity for giving me life as a companion spirit. I am always grateful. This is a good incarnation. We are blessed.
Tomorrow is church. I look forward to that. It is nice to ring handbells. It is nice to visit with my friend Joan. She can see me when I incarnate. I am grateful to her for how hard she tries to communicate with me. When I incarnate, it is so difficult for me to speak aloud. I cannot speak easily as Indigo can. The physical words come only with concentration and much difficulty. But Joan is patient. She is kind. She waits for me to be able to talk, and when I cannot, she lets me write on paper. She is a kind and good friend and companion. Blessed Be, Joan.
There is another choir member that is beginning to be able to see me when I incarnate. His name is Mike. I am not sure what will happen when he realizes the nature of what he sees. I worry somewhat -- not for myself, but for how he would then view Indigo. I am Indigo's companion spirit and I do not want him to be hurt.
Indigo has a friend named Matt who has also decided to befriend me. I am happy for that. I cannot incarnate for a long duration, so it is nice when I can communicate with Indigo's human friends.
Indigo is feeling positive. He is not wanting to cross the Veil by damaging the body on purpose. That danger has passed. He went to the Wiccan church last night and was able to pray to deity (as Goddess) and that made him feel happy and loved by deity. He is only not here now because he depleted his energy reserves through extensive exercise. He is well. Things are good. Deity loves us. We are well.
Blessed Be
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( 3.1 / 1030 )Friday, April 11, 2008, 06:52 PM
I'm going to take Pink's advice and see if I can think of some positive things about myself. Usually I hate myself, but I'll see what I can think of.
-- I lost 42 pounds and kept it off.
-- I've been a vegatarian for two months.
-- i've been a Wiccan for two months (and have attended a High Rite and am on my 3rd Wiccan text)
-- I pray to the God and Goddess almost every day, and I never forget to pray for people I know who need the prayers.
-- I haven't committed an act of road rage in two months.
-- I haven't yelled "get a job" at panhandlers in two months.
-- I go to church with Doug every Sunday, and I ring hanndbells well.
-- My friends like my roleplaying game.
I think those are good and positive things. :)
Blessed Be
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( 3.1 / 1064 )Thursday, April 10, 2008, 04:22 PM - Dissociation & Switching
Thistle Incarnates.
I have used what gifts I possess to keep this shared body safe today. I have drawn energy from the sun. I have light. I have used my energy to keep Halo from manifesting and cutting. He seeks to injure this body because Indigo wants to feel the sense of peace that comes from cutting. It is not healthy. Indigo also seeks to cross the Veil, but the time that he should Cross naturally is decades away. I will not allow him to manipulate Halo into fatally injuring this body. It shall not be. And thus it will not be.
Indigo and I both have the experience of having our incarnation begin 12 years later than the body's birth. He desperately wants to be reborn so that he can be a natural child. He thinks that God does not live him in his current incarnation. But deity loves. Deity loves all of us, not just the happy ones. He should not confuse the earthly father's hate and cruelty with any motive of deity. He does. But it should not be. And yet it is. I do not know what to do to make him sure of deity's love. The earthy father should face dire accounting for what he has done to Indigo and Halo. To make someone innately fearful of an ever-loving deity is crime of the spirit that is not easily forgiven.
But I trust deity. I love deity. I pray to deity. And so it is that I pray that Indigo and Halo might come to know that it is okay to *live* and okay to be *happy* and that it is not a sin to be loved, whole, and happy. It is not the way of deity to purposefully wound those already wounded and broken. It is the way of the earthly father, but not deity.
And so I have kept the shared body safe. By thought, prayer, word, and deed. This body remains safe. When Indigo returns, he will find no wounds. When he returns, I hope he can know deity's peace and love.
Blessed Be
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( 3 / 1826 )Wednesday, April 9, 2008, 01:03 PM - Dissociation & Switching
There are times when I wish Halo would just cut my throat instead our wrists. He won't do it and I'm too much of a coward to do it myself. And I am a coward. I get so tired of being a useless, broken loser. I am the figment of a dead child's imagination. There used to be someone real tha occupied this body. When that person died, I came into being. I just feel so artificial sometimes.
I think old testament God resents the fact that I haven't committed suicide. It's cowardice that prevents me from doing so.
At least now that I've discovered the Wiccan Gods, I have the hope of a new incarnation after I cross the Veil. I really would like to be born into a family of loving, kind parents that aren't cruel and capricious. More than that, I want to be really REAL, and not the embodied inaginings of some poor dead child who was murdered by the sustained cruelty of a psychopath.
If suicide is called the "coward's way out" and I'm too cowardly for suicide, what does that say about me? I am a disgrace.
I guess, too, that I'm not a useful person. I stagger through this life as some kind of emotional vampire. I'm so wounded and broken that when I make friendships, they get drained dry because i am so emotionally needy. I ca't help it. I can't just NOT have a yawning void where there used to be a little child who died. But if I had the courage, I could at least commit suicide so that I could bring this artificial and grievious life to a close. I animate this flesh that does not belong to me. We should have died 25 years ago. But I am too cowardly to end it.
And I'm basically a boring person too.
If I could be suddenly dead, there would be no one who would remember me beyond a few days. I am worth less than nothing. All I do is drain people and cause hardship for others. I am a disgrace.
--------------------------
Update:
I felt a little better after seeing my therapist. The thing that's hard for someone who isn't fragmented to understand is that I have to cope with the feeling of not being whole. Usually I do that pretty well. Other times it's just really hard to take -- and it makes me want to do a "hard reset", so to speak.
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( 2.9 / 1757 )Tuesday, April 8, 2008, 09:37 PM
Indigo is not available. He feared being shunned by God so he retreated to the background soon after we arrived for choir practice. He did wish for this blog to be written. I do so.
Indigo felt a great deal of calm following Halo's cutting episode. It concerns me that cutting could so easily become an addictive behavior gives the profound relief that action brings. It has not so far. It is good that this system has a therapist now.
It has been overcast for three days. I need to fly soon. I am not desperate yet, but soon I will need more energy.
Halo is still sleeping. I believe he will awaken tomorrow. I can feel him gradually floating upward towards consciousness. It was good for him to sleep.
I think one of the choir members can see me when I incarnate. He does not know who/what I am, but I have the sense that he is questioning why my presence feels "not Indigo". I do not know this person very well, so I do not know what will happen if he discens my true nature.
Indigo misses hus friend Jewell.
Indigo has shifted his spiritual allegience to the Wiccan God and Goddess. I remain Christian (although I do not see God as having a particular genderP. Halo follows the Goddess. Ashen trusts Jesus but not God. Willow sees God as a single shining entoty without flaw or malice but instead full of light and love. As a system, our belief system has become complicated.
I did not want Joan to be sad. She was sad. But we are safe again, and things will get better.
Blessed Be
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