Saturday, March 1, 2008, 08:51 AM - Dumb Happenings
So... one of the reasons why I don't have much respect for fundamentalist Christians is that they basically talk a strong talk, but they're painfully deficient when it comes to backing up their ethos with actual deeds.
As you all probably can guess, there are times when I am more well and times when I am less well. This is a period when I am simply less well. But I'm doing something about it.
I have a fundamentalist friend who told me last night that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore until I'm in the "more well" status again. It didn't hurt as badly as I thought it would, since he has done this to me before in the past. I expected him to be weak when I needed him to be strong, and so his action last night did not surprise me. It's basically typical fundamentalism in action.I guess I'll give him a call after I've been in therapy for 3-4 months so he knows it's "safe" for him to be my friend again, ha ha ha. After all, isn't mental illness contageous? ::sigh::
Actually, I'm not nearly as unwell as the dark period of 1996. It was then that I learned the hard way just how shallow fundamentalism is. I got told I was possessed, that God was "judging" me for being gay, that God was "testing" me to see if my faith was genuine, that I just wasn't praying enough or reading scripture enough. Whatever. The long and short of it was that every fundamentalist frind I knew back then had a ready and Bible-tested excuse for slamming the door in my face during a really bad period when I needed companionship, love, and compassion while i was in the beginning stages of therapy.They refused and they shut me out of their lives.
And one wonders why I'm not a fundamentalist, ha ha.
I will forgive my friend for his unkind words last night. Besiees, to really be hurt by someone, you have to be vulnerable to that person, and this is a friend that I never really lowered my sheilds against. See, I wasn't really depending on him, since I knew this would happen. I just wish his christian walk was as good as he seems to believe it is. Personally, I just don't see it.
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( 3.1 / 1409 )Thursday, February 28, 2008, 06:58 PM
Today was better than yesterday. The odd thing about cutting is the huge sense of emotional release we feel in its aftermath. It's not healthy, but it is what it is. My hope is that when we start therapy, Halo can learn other ways to deal with the terrible things that have happened to him. And Thistle said he would love Halo as much as he loves me, and tha he would try to project some light into Halo's lonely domain.
I am not strong enough to look into that terrible place in which he is trapped, but maybe the right therapist can. That's the plan anyway!
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Update: 2/29/08
I filed my EAP paperwork through my employer so that I'll be able to use some of my huge stockpile of medical leave for therapy once my referral comes through, which should be midweek next week. Basically, activating EAP means I can't be penalized for leave used for mental health treatment. So... things are moving forward.
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( 3 / 1344 )Wednesday, February 27, 2008, 05:12 PM - Dissociation & Switching
I've come to the conclusion that it's probably time to ask for a referral for a therapist the next time I get my psych meds refilled (which is next Thursday). I'm pretty sure my doctor can recommend a decent one what will work with my insurance. I guess all the stress of work (yeah, law enforcement... so placcid, heh heh) and the fact that my partner's been dealing with his sister having an extended life-threatening illness has sort of worn me down. He's also never really come to pece about his father's suicide ten years ago (how does one come to terms with something so horrible?)
I don't want to be at risk for cutting. There has got to be a way for Halo to have some measure of healing and peace so that he isn't driven to hurt this shared body. He wanted to today -- and I nearly gave in. But I didn't. The Indigo-Thistle pairing is stronger than Indigo all by myself. But the experience today really wore me down. It's just so taxing to cling to the foreground by my fingernails for 7 hours straight. But I did it. And I am tired.
It's time to get some help. I can't do it alone anymore.
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At the 12th hour of this siege, I ran out of energy. Thistle draws energy from sunlight and that's something that can't be had at 8:00pm. So Halo surfaced and did what he does. He didn't hurt the body too badly this time. But he was able to cry afterwards, which is a new ability for him. Maybe that's why he didn't cut too much or too deeply. I will get help for this. I will get better. Halo is not evil, but no human could survive the kind of pain and shame he has had to absorb -- for all of us. And that's why most of us aren't really human anymore. If I had to bear Halo's pain, I couldn't be a functioning person. And yet he has endured that tiny pocket of hell all of these decades. And he's older than me or Thistle, of that I am sure. He's probably almost as old as the physical body.
If I can somehow get Halo healed, we'll be a pretty functional system.
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( 3 / 1647 )Wednesday, February 27, 2008, 07:53 AM - Church Stuff
Y'know... choir just isn't that much fun this close to a major Christian holiday. We have more music to practice and the Choir Master gets really stressed out. Unfortunately, changelings tend to internalize the emotions of others, so we got stressed out too. That made us make more mistakes than we would ordinarily make. And that made the Choir Master more stressed out because we kept having to repeat sections of music that should have been easy. It ended up being a self-sustaining cycle that resulted in me being pretty much useless for last night's choir practice. Palm Sunday and Easter are next month and once it's done, things will go back to normal at choir... until Christmas, that is. I just hate the feeling of having let my friends down, but I couldn't do anything about it.
Doug and I went to the second of four Lenten Dinners at church before choir last night, and that was nice. They actually served all-vegetarian food, which means I could actually eat the food! Yay!!! And I got to meet with the recruiter for the Education for Ministry program. I might be able to take the EFM class this fall if I can scrape up the tuition money. This isn't a seminary course, but it is a pretty detailed bit of study on historical Christianity (as opposed to the diseased modern-day variant it has become -- ie. prior to Christianity being secunded to the Republican party). So I think I might like that course.
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( 3 / 1269 )Monday, February 25, 2008, 06:35 PM
I was feeling really happy for the past three weeks ever since the Indigo-Halo pairing changed to Indigo-Thistle. I had been happy. I'd been having new exploration into my spirituality. I've become vegetarian. I've had more energy. I lost the last three pounds I wanted to lose.
I was happy until tonight.
That's when Doug told me that he thinks I'm strange now. He doesn't accept my vegatarianism, or my studies in meditation and visualization/grounding. He knows that I'm a dissociative. So when I told him that I've basically lost contact with my dark side and that Thistle basically filled in the resultant power vacuum, Doug looked at me in genuine fear.
That broke my heart.
And it made Halo wake up. I'm feeling the urge to hurt this body, to make blood pay for sins. I know that Halo is awake again now. I don't want to cut my wrists. But maybe that will make things better again. Maybe Doug won't be afraid of me if I go back to being a shadow. But I have so loved being real.
I will wait until Doug goes to sleep before I let Halo do as he must. Blood pays for sins and I have failed my beloved and so I must pay.
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Update:
I resisted Halo long enough for him to go back to sleep. ::whew:: Doug and I had a long talk and he has a better idea of what happened when my internal balance of power shifted. Well... I AM a changeling... sometimes I change. I think things will be okay. I don;t want to ever go back to how things were (ie. depression, guilt, cutting, etc.)
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( 3 / 1518 )Sunday, February 24, 2008, 08:26 PM - Church Stuff
I think this was our last Evensong service for the Lent season. It was really nice. We trundled off to Fairhaven Church over in Sykesvile to do the service there. The church serves a retirement community and the people there were really happy to see us! It was really nice being able to make so many people happy at once. :) And doing so made me happy too. Isn't life great? :)
The weather was perfect too. It was sunny, breezy, and not too cold. Thistle got to fly for about ten minutes before we had to go inside for the church service. He was able to recapture all of the energy we lost from having three overcast days and one day of no sleep (which was Friday night). It is wonderful when Thistle flies. One of my friends in choir can sense his presence, which is nice. She likes Thistle and isn't afraid of him. I think she noticed that he was flying this morning. Neat!
So... the service went great. Our singing was really good. And there was a reception afterward that featured cheese and wine (I didn't drink any booze, since we had to drive.)
All in all, it was a great day. You can't beat being able to spend time with friends while making other people happy at the same time.
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( 3 / 1315 )Sunday, February 24, 2008, 07:39 AM
Saturday was pretty much a blah kind of day. It was cold, damp, cloudy, and drizzly. I had insomnia the Friday night because that religious fundamentalist (mentioned in the prior post) gave me a case of racing thoughts. So... I was tired yesterday.
When the weather is like it was yesterday, Thistle can't fly, and thus we can't get energy. It's been overcast for three days straight, which means we haven't had an influx of energy for three days. Fortunately, I know I have to go a lot longer time than that before I start getting into trouble. But three days of grey does leave me feeling a bit drained -- especially after not getting sleep either.
One cool thing did happen yesterday, however. I did get to participate in a prayer circle on Second Life last night. The great thing about this community is that it brings people together who could have otherwise never could have met. So my friend Agla told me that one of his friends was feeling suicidal and if I could join Agla's prayer circle to pray on his friend's behalf. That's a no brainer. So at least something good happened yesterday -- someone sad and isolated was able to know that people do care about him and that God does love him.
So the day wasn't ALL bad :)
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( 3 / 1542 )Friday, February 22, 2008, 10:15 PM - Dumb Happenings
Ever since the power realignment a few weeks ago (when Halo went back to sleep and Thistle increased in power), I've been doing a lot better thinking positive thoughts and dealing with anger better, and not lashing out at people who say hurtful things to me.
Two things really helped me these past few weeks:
-- Jesus' words: "Love God and Love Each Other"
-- Wiccan Reede: "And that it harm none, do as ye will"
Between the two, one gets a pretty complete operating philosophy.
So... I had an experience with someone who turned out NOT be what [he/she] appeared to be. This person was friendly to me in the past but basically reveiled [himself/herself] as some sort of hate-based conservative operative who insulted both my partner and I. But instead of lashing out at this person with words of hate and anger, I calmly asked this person to leave us alone. I think I did pretty well. I didn't curse, scream, or threaten.
Well, for the ultraconservatives out there, I'll say this once: I was created by God, and so I am not a thing of evil. I was created by God, and so God loves me. I was made to be exactly what I am, because God loves me just as I am. I am not a demon, I am a changeling. Thistle is not a demon, he is my companion-spirit. Halo is not a demon, he is a wounded soul who is in a great deal of pain. Ashen is not a demon, he is my watcher-protector. Willow is not a demon, he is a small, innocent child. Indigo is gay, Ashen is straight, but that doesn't make Indigo more sinful or Ashen less so. We are as we were created.
I will not have rage at being judged harshly by someone who knows nearly nothing about me. I will trust that God does know me and does love me. I, too, will pray that God will bless this person who angered me with the gift of compassion and greater love. Love is more powerful than hate; serenity is more lasting than anger.
Anyone who has a problem with that can take it up with God.
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( 3 / 1626 )Friday, February 22, 2008, 12:54 PM - Cool Stuff
Back in the bad old days, I used to have this really stressful job as a district manager for a cell phone company. I pretty much drove 30,000 miles per year, had horrible hours, 50-55 hour work weeks, and super-high stress. The long and short of it is that by the time I quit that job, this physical body was not only drained beyond understanding, but also weighed 221 pounds -- and that's not a healthy weight. A fat changeling is not a pretty sight. Aiieee!!
Well, once I got the job I currently have, my stress level dropped by about 2/3, my workweek went to 40-45 hours per week, and I have pretty normal hours. So I got into excercise and improved my diet. Over a 2-year period, I lost 37 pounds. For the past four months, I've been unable to lose those last three pounds I wanted to lose -- until I stopped eating meat, that is.
Ten days of being meat-free allowed me to shave off that last bit of weight I wanted to lose. So now, I weigh the same as I did 15 years ago. YAY!!!
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( 3.1 / 1407 )Thursday, February 21, 2008, 04:19 PM
So... usually I have a pretty obedient body, but every 4-5 months my wrist gets really, really sore. I figure it's because I have to write so much with my right hand. My job at Pretrial requires all case notes to be handwritten -- And I sure do write a lot of cases! So when I get that problem with my wrist it usually flares up for 4-5 days.
But hey! I'm reasonably ambidexterous!
There's only one downside to writing left-handed. It sort of makes me feel like I'm going to fall away from my body. I usually get that feeling I get right before I lose the foreground to another alter, except that I don't lose the foreground when I'm just writing with my off-hand. Weird, eh?
At least the feeling of "falling away" isn't unpleasant. Actually, quite the opposite is true. It was okay, and I was not afraid. :)
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