Friday, February 8, 2008, 08:04 AM
The perils of Lent, for me at least, is that there is always a danger of triggering a "guilt spiral" that only ever ends with Halo being empowered and inflicting damage on this body. Fortunately, our system is in decent shape again, so last night's selections for choir practice didn't trigger any cutting episodes. But songs with the theme of "blood pays for sins" are really dangerous for me to hear.
I guess the question I ask is: why can't the church just allow us to be loved unconditionally by God? Why can't the church just be happy in the knowledge that God understands that people make mistakes and that it's still okay to be who we are? Why do we have to take on the blame for Jesus' torture-murder-execution when it happened over 2,000 years ago (and He knew it was going to happen anyway).
Jesus forgave his killers, and yet the Church won't forgive modern-day Christians who weren't even alive at the time.
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( 3 / 1249 )Thursday, February 7, 2008, 05:59 PM - Dumb Happenings
I got passed over for a promotion at work -- again! I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. I don't know why I keep getting passed over. I've only missed one day in two years (due to illness). My latest performance review was "exceeds standard", a 3.03 on a scale of 0.0 to 4.0. I am really unhappy about this latest development.
Yeah... I know I am a very strange person, and I have a rather unique outlook on things. But I do a really good job, I get along well with my coworkers, and I'm very reliable. So why can I not get rewarded for my good performance?
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( 2.9 / 1253 )Wednesday, February 6, 2008, 06:05 PM
Ya just gotta love biweekly staff meetings -- a group of grumpy people getting reminded of their faults be a grumpy manager, heh heh. Fortunately for me, I'm too low in rank to get noticed too often :)
Well, what made today's meeting even better was that the heating was set to full blast (despite the fact that it was already 70 degrees outside!) The room was stuffy, humid, and 88 degrees! AAAIIIEEEE!!!!
Yeah, the Powers-That-Be apparently trusts us to get outstanding warrants served but they don't trust us to adjust the thermostat, ha ha. That particular piece of equipment is padlocked! Lovely.
So... it long, boring, and hot. I sweated through my shirt by the end of the hour. Ugh! Changelings are supposed to smell like cinnamon, but I'm pretty sure that's not how I smelled, ha ha.
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( 3.1 / 1010 )Wednesday, February 6, 2008, 05:38 PM
I felt really healthy today and I got a decent amount of sleep. There were no Halo whisperings today either. I think my system is almost back in balance again. Yay!
it was an unusual morning. It was partly cloudy and 70 degrees. The sun lit up the clouds in bright samber -- they were breathtakingly beautiful. And I received some direct sunliight for the first time in a long time. There have only been a handful of sunny days in the past three months, so the sight of the sun felt nearly sacred.
I felt Thistle's energy return as he drew in light and warmth. I hadn't even considered how low his reserves had become until I felt the contrasting fullness of his joy at being filled with new energy. I felt at peace too. I had missed the sun.
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( 2.9 / 1154 )Tuesday, February 5, 2008, 05:41 PM - Dissociation & Switching
I guess I had some trouble this morning because I've been sick lately and haven't been getting much sleep. It's bad for me to get too tired for too long. It takes only a small amount of psychic energy (ie willpower) to maintain integration, but if that energy's not there, "I" starts functioning like a very disfunctional "we".
Thistle is actually a lot more powerful than Halo. If I can actually get some real REST tonight, I think the balance can be restored. Halo is necessary -- in very small quanities. We all need our dark side too, but it's got to be in balance. For us, the order of power goes: Indigo - Thistle - Willow - Ashen - Halo.
or you can look at it as: Changeling - Angel - Human - Protector - Remnant
or as : Creativity - Faith - Purity - Discipline - Shame.
Yeah... definately have to keep Halo out of the foreground. Thistle and I might not be human, but at least we *like* this body!
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( 3 / 1153 )Tuesday, February 5, 2008, 07:43 AM
One rule I make myself live by is to Harm None. It has to be this way because I am an unnatural being that has somehow inherited this human body. I don't really have a right to exist. So when I do harm people, I know that I must pay for what I've done. Blood pays for sins.
Doug (my partner) and Joann (my co-worker) both got sick because of me. So when Halo began whispering "blood pays for sins" I did not resist him. I let him cut our wrists. It never hurts when he cuts us because this body goes numb. But blood pays for sins. I hope it was enough to pay for what I inflicted on Doug and Joann.
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We think that more harm must come to this body, but there are no sharp objects permitted at this person's workplace. One must pay for sins. Blood pays for sins. We must cut and bleed so that the harm we have done unto others might be expunged. We must attone for this false-life, this empty-life in which we live as imposters inside a borrowed body. We are ghosts that inhabit the flesh, but the person who should have been is gone. It is our fault that people become sick. And we project a field of darkness into the spirit world that causes decay, despair, and entropy. That is why we must pay for our sins with blood. But how can we ever pay enough?
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( 3 / 1201 )Monday, February 4, 2008, 01:44 PM
The human body is so disgusting sometimes. Changelings and Angels don't actually get the flu, heh heh, but this human body is unfortunatley mere mortal flesh, ha ha. Too bad my body can't match my alter-self.
So... my fever broke a little after three. I never knew that a single body could produce so much sweat! It soaked the sheets, bed, pillows, and blankets. It woke Doug up and he ended up sleeping on the couch because all the bedding got soggy and gross. After I got dried off, I ended up spending the rest of the night on the recliner chair. Ugh. I'll be doing some major laundry tonight, that's for sure.
On the bright side, I feel a lot better now that the fever is gone. My chest congestion is starting to break up too. Things should be back to normal in another few days.
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( 3 / 1170 )Sunday, February 3, 2008, 04:21 PM
I rang handbells at the evensong service tonight, and it coincidentally occurred on Superbowl Sunday. Well... I'm sad to say that the congregation was apparently more interested in football than handbell music. There were EIGHT people in church this evening. Oh well...[ 1 comment ] ( 6 views ) | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 3 / 1146 )Saturday, February 2, 2008, 08:17 AM - Odd Dreams
Last night's wasn't as bad, fortunately. It just seemsed to be a jumbled-up hodge-podge of sci-fi.
So... there was Kirk's Enterprise somehow flung thousands of years into the future (like what happened to the ship on Andromeda) and was in the process of being salvaged by pirates. One of the pirate dudes was Starbuck (Battlestar Galactice -- the Dirk Bennedict version). The trouble came when Starbuck discovered that the ship was also invaded by cylons and by dalecks (from Doctor Who). Somehow Starbuck managed to defrost Spock, except that he came out of the freezer in pretty rough shape and wasn't too useful to anyone. Some parts of the ship looked like the Enterprise while others looked like the Andromeda Ascendant. Of course, when the dalecks ran into the cylons, they both started killing each other instead of hunting down humans. Starbuck was under the impression that taking over the ship wasn't goiing to be too tough since both robot races were probably going to mutually destroy each other.
Yeah... not a nightmare, but it was pretty bizarre and didn't make a whole lot of sense.
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( 3 / 1642 )Friday, February 1, 2008, 06:07 PM
Of course, the other lousy thing aout being sick is that I always get really disturbing dreams when I don't feel well. Last night was no exception.
I had a dream that focused on an incredibly cruel and brutal multi-millionaire that owned a palatial estate at the top of a mountain. He lived alone but had a large cadre of servants that he had somehow brainwashed into total submission. He had a big knife that he called "George" and he would use it to cut and wound his servants when the would make even the slightest or trivial of mistakes.
I was in the dream only as an unseen observer and could not interact with the environment. But I had an empathic awareness of this person's sadism and savagery. He repulsed and disgusted me, but he unknowingly broadcast his emotions as if he was shouting.
I apparently manifested in the dream right after he had murdered a male servant. The butler-like person had a large stab wound in his chest and his skin had turned the color of chalk. The way he lay on the floor, I could tell that he was dead, not merely unconscious.
An older female servant came in and saw the carnage. She somehow had the willpower and outrage to call the master a murderous sadist (or something to that effect.
The master slowly pulled out his knife and said something like "You need to apologize to George".
She tried to resist his command, as evidenced by her shuddering, hesitant steps. But in the end, she stood before the master. With single blow, he drove the knife through her abdomen.
My dream ended as she slumped to the floor. The master got a nearly erotic thrill out of murder and his emotions disgusted me. It made me wonder why people like this have to exist.
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