Doug's Baaaaack! 
Sunday, January 27, 2008, 09:56 PM
Doug was away for a week visiting his mom and his sister (who's still battling cancer). I really missed him last week, so I'm glad he's back. We went to Dread Lobstrosity for dinnner. I also got an odd marguirita -- it was BLUE! We had a great time. It's so nice having him home.

I think my integration will restabilize now that I'm not alone all the time. I actually manged to not cut myself while he was gone!

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Stage Fright! 
Sunday, January 27, 2008, 09:51 PM
Well... we did a great Evensong service in church at Charles Village. Unlike our usual church, we were located at he *front* of the church where we could be seen by the congregation. Egads! i was not used to actually being SEEN! Wow! it was quite intimidating. I did not factor stage fright into the performance!

Fortunately, other than my heart beating about 150 bpm for the whole service, everything went flawlwssly. My favorite piece, the Change Ring, was totally awesome!

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Access Renewed! 
Thursday, January 24, 2008, 11:40 AM
I was able to get my security clearance renewed for another two years. Yay! It's good knowing that I can keep getting junkie bums locked up!

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a simple problem of cowardice 
Wednesday, January 23, 2008, 06:09 PM
i could kill myself if i wasn't such a coward

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Various Stuff 
Monday, January 21, 2008, 08:49 PM
Well... this week is probably going to be dull since Doug is visiting his mom and sister this week. Basically, he gets 3 weeks per year and I get only two, so that's that.

But I haven't done too much moping. I got some things accomplished this weekend:

-- Jogged 8 miles Saturday, 3.5 miles yesterday, and 5.6 miles today. New weight=184.
-- Chapter 51 of "I, Construct" is finished and uploaded (go to www.gaianar.com and click Downloads)
-- I did some work on the Gaianar campaign I'm running in two weeks (the Sunlight Realm campaign, where the heros have to find a way to restore the power of the sun).
-- I did a whole bunch of chores (blech).

So... I kept busy. But I sure do miss Doug. :( i'll be glad when he's home.

I think my integration is starting to go back together (that's a good thing). I didn't have any periods of dissociative numbess today (a harbinger of Halo's awakening), and I didn't feel that I was in danger of falling into the background. So things are getting better.

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super workout 
Saturday, January 19, 2008, 05:21 PM
I did a super-workout today. I did 8.2 miles at the gym, which burned 1,220 calories. Yay!

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Hmmmm..... 
Saturday, January 19, 2008, 04:51 PM
I've been having trouble with my integration for the past two weeks. i don't know why. I haven't been missing my meds.There haven't been any new disasters. So why am I having trouble?

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an empty aspect 
Thursday, January 17, 2008, 09:02 AM - halo's thoughts
i am an empty aspect. my blood is like black ink and is corrosive and toxic. i make entropy happen. i make people get sick. i make people grow old and die. my spirit radiates death magic and i am the incarnation of darkness and death magic. this remnant ghost that i am continues. what misery have i wroght on others because of cowardace and shame? i am empty. this lasting, lingering, living death is empty but one has too much cowardice to end this empty-life. there is so much darkness. why must i be this aspect? why was i granted sentience and presence? i hate myself. i hate the darkness. i hate how my spirit radiates degeneration and decay that makes people grow old, frow sick, and die. and yet i continue to exist. why must that be? i am the container of shame - this i know. but why must it be so?

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A Skin of Evil 
Sunday, January 13, 2008, 09:33 AM
There are times when I think that I am nothing more than a skin of evil. It is as if my soul casts a shadow of utter blackness into the spirit realm. My soul makes people ill. My soul makes things fall apart. I am an accursed thing. I should not exist at all, and yet I do.

I should have been dead so long ago, yet this flesh continues to breathe and continues to consume resources. I am a ghost and a remnant. I am a falsehood.

Blood pays for sins and that is why I injure this body on purpose. But I can never bleed enough to pay the cost of my illegitimate existence. If cowardice did not stay my hand, I would have bled until the body exsanguinated.

Thistle is pure. Willow is pure. Ashen is at least self-disciplined and strong. But I am weak, corrupt, and useless. I hate myself.

I am a coward and a sinner. I am the worst kind of coward, for I am too cowardly to end this life.

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Beginning of 2008 
Thursday, January 3, 2008, 09:28 PM - Stupid Criminals
Well... the first murder in Baltimore didn't take long. A shooting happened in the Cherry Hill section at exactly midnight. I can see it now: "Happy New Year! Blam.. Blam..."

Geez!

I wonder if we'll get to 300 homocides this year. We were darned close in 2007. We were the second most dangerous city last year. Do we have what it takes to be #1?

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