Sunday, March 9, 2008, 12:22 AM - Dissociation & Switching
My thoughts are racing and my mind is in chaos. I can't sleep but I'm really tired. But I can't sleep. I'm really upset about the rejection by my now-former mentor. I found out from one of the circle members that the mentor has some condition called Aspergers Syndrome. Apparently it's like a lightweight version of autism, except that the person seems reasonably normal up to a point. When something bad happens in their personal lives, they tend to lash out at others around them in really inapprpriate ways.
With any luck, this guy will not mentor anyone else -- ever.
The thing that sucks is that he knew I had (and still have) a dissociative disorder, and he chose to hurt me anyway. I know I shouldn't take it personally since he did the same thing to everyone else in the circle. But it hurts, damn it. it just really hurts. I thought we were friends too. I guess not.
So now my thoughts are racing, I can't sleep, and I have two church services tomorrow.
My thoughts go round and round with:
-- Indigo: This situation sucks, and i'm tired and angry.
-- Thistle: He's ill, little one, and you should forgive him.
-- Halo: He hates us. We did something wrong. Blood pays for sins.
-- Ashen: Let's kick his ass all over town. I'll make him pay for hurting you, Indigo.
- Willow: Why did he go away? Where did he go?
And that theme goes round and round and round. My mind won't be quiet. I'm so damned tired. :(
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Update:
i think I fell asleep for about an hour, but it was worthless sleep. I had this nightmare about coming home and finding a mutilated corpse in the living room. I don't know if it was male or female since it was draped in white. I was afraid to touch it. But blood oozed through the shroud in seveal spots. Oddly enough, I also had the impression that the body had subsequently been frozen solid. It was a supemely unpleasant, very short, non-restful dream.
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Final update for today:
I managed to get through the church services. Halo manifested because the body was so low on physical energy (we're okay on spiritual energy, however, but the body needs power too.) But Halo did NOT cut. Yay! The choirmaster (Nancy) and a close friend (Joan) know I'm a multiple and can recognize when a different alter is running the body. They were able to talk Halo out of cutting. I am glad for that. They love Halo even though he's in pain. I am so grateful for Joan's and Nancy's friendship.
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( 3 / 1715 )Wednesday, February 27, 2008, 05:12 PM - Dissociation & Switching
I've come to the conclusion that it's probably time to ask for a referral for a therapist the next time I get my psych meds refilled (which is next Thursday). I'm pretty sure my doctor can recommend a decent one what will work with my insurance. I guess all the stress of work (yeah, law enforcement... so placcid, heh heh) and the fact that my partner's been dealing with his sister having an extended life-threatening illness has sort of worn me down. He's also never really come to pece about his father's suicide ten years ago (how does one come to terms with something so horrible?)
I don't want to be at risk for cutting. There has got to be a way for Halo to have some measure of healing and peace so that he isn't driven to hurt this shared body. He wanted to today -- and I nearly gave in. But I didn't. The Indigo-Thistle pairing is stronger than Indigo all by myself. But the experience today really wore me down. It's just so taxing to cling to the foreground by my fingernails for 7 hours straight. But I did it. And I am tired.
It's time to get some help. I can't do it alone anymore.
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At the 12th hour of this siege, I ran out of energy. Thistle draws energy from sunlight and that's something that can't be had at 8:00pm. So Halo surfaced and did what he does. He didn't hurt the body too badly this time. But he was able to cry afterwards, which is a new ability for him. Maybe that's why he didn't cut too much or too deeply. I will get help for this. I will get better. Halo is not evil, but no human could survive the kind of pain and shame he has had to absorb -- for all of us. And that's why most of us aren't really human anymore. If I had to bear Halo's pain, I couldn't be a functioning person. And yet he has endured that tiny pocket of hell all of these decades. And he's older than me or Thistle, of that I am sure. He's probably almost as old as the physical body.
If I can somehow get Halo healed, we'll be a pretty functional system.
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( 3 / 1575 )Tuesday, February 5, 2008, 05:41 PM - Dissociation & Switching
I guess I had some trouble this morning because I've been sick lately and haven't been getting much sleep. It's bad for me to get too tired for too long. It takes only a small amount of psychic energy (ie willpower) to maintain integration, but if that energy's not there, "I" starts functioning like a very disfunctional "we".
Thistle is actually a lot more powerful than Halo. If I can actually get some real REST tonight, I think the balance can be restored. Halo is necessary -- in very small quanities. We all need our dark side too, but it's got to be in balance. For us, the order of power goes: Indigo - Thistle - Willow - Ashen - Halo.
or you can look at it as: Changeling - Angel - Human - Protector - Remnant
or as : Creativity - Faith - Purity - Discipline - Shame.
Yeah... definately have to keep Halo out of the foreground. Thistle and I might not be human, but at least we *like* this body!
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( 3 / 1079 )Sunday, April 22, 2007, 09:54 AM - Dissociation & Switching
One of the oddities of having a dissociate disorder is that one of the other Alters will sometimes prevent me from seeing something disturbing.In this case, I was at the gym yesterday and some Sci-Fi Channel ad showed on TV. All I know about it was that something happened to some dude's eye. Then it was suddenly 30 seconds later. I have no idea what the ad actually showed, but I realized that it was Halo, not me (Indigo) that actually watched it. The imagery had filled him with profound horror. But he prevented me from seeing it.[ add comment ] | [ 0 trackbacks ] | permalink |
( 3 / 1685 )Sunday, July 30, 2006, 11:40 AM - Dissociation & Switching
In my waking hours, I am almost always integrated, but when I sleep, the integration unravels and I can see the others. Last night was a sequence of broken images and despair. I feel haunted sometimes, because I know that I am not the original personna but instead am simply an echo of the now-incapacitated original. But the original personna is a Ghost and last night I was haunted by the Ghost.
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The haunting begins...
The Ghost is the original persona -- some highly diminished remnant of the original "Chris". Although technically dead, that entity somehow lives on as a spectral figure that sucks down any joy and light. In last night's haunting, I saw the Ghost. He, always, lives in a small, windowless locked room. His despair and loss is a nearly tangible thing. He writes strange symbols on the walls in various colors. Sometimes he writes text. He has some idea of the outside world and writes about that. He writes down conversations he has never been a part of. Whenever I am transported to that room, the Ghost percieves *me* as being the transparent spectral figure from the shadows and sees himself as solid and living. It makes me feel that *I* am the one who is Unreal.
And maybe I am Unreal. I am a falsehood created from bits and pieces. I've always known that, but if I don't think about it, I can sometimes forget it. But when I get transported to that room, I remember.
Sometimes I feel that the captive spirit in that room is what's happening in *real life* and I am just some delusion of an insane and badly damaged individual. I try to force myself to believe that I am real, even though I know that I was artificially created.
The Ghost had other things to show me...
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The scene changed, and I was a scientist in a project that had gone horribly wrong. It was supposed to bring about some medical breakthrough. But instead it had driven the test volunteers insane. I had recieved a call from a supervisor telling me that everyone who worked on the project was losing their sanity too and that I would be next. Even as the supervisor said that, I saw the dimensioning and proportions of the room begin to change and distort with the first onset of madness. I was afraid and I felt the weight of unforgivable failure.
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The scene changed, and I was at a vacation resort and everyone hated me. I did not know why I was hated, but I felt the simmering loathing from the minds of others. I hated myself too. I asked a bar tender why she hated me and she said she was tired of getting me mixed drinks. This time, I asked for poison instead so that I could kill myself. I wanted to die and end a life that was useless and full of hate.
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The scene changed, and I was on a beach near a hotel that was sititng on high stilts. I had been swimming for a while when suddenly the waves got a lot higher. There was another person swimming too and I was afraid that he would drown. I dragged him to shore but then he simply disappeared.
The tide came in and the water lever rose by 30' so that the stilts were underwater. My father, who hates me, was in the hotel bar getting drunk. With each sip, his loathing of me increased. He blamed me for the beach being submerged. I tried to tell him that it was just the tide and that it would reverse in a few hours. But he did not listen. He berated me and claimed that I had ruined the vacation he had spent thousands on. He humiliated me publicly in front of everyone else there. His words lashed like a whip. Aside form his words, I could feel the searing hate emanating from his mind. He wished that I could be made to suffer. In his mind, he wished that I would die a slow, horrifying death, and die screaming and gagging on blood and spittle. I saw into his mind the perverse joy he felt in the image of me consumed by unspeakable agony. He wanted me to die gagging on blood and vomit. He wanted me to die in the throes of some excruciating seizure. He wanted to see me die and he wanted that death to last and last and last.
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The scene changed and I was back in the forgotten room with the Ghost. He wrote the words, "And that is how it happened".
I awoke.
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( 3 / 1704 )Friday, April 28, 2006, 01:40 PM - Dissociation & Switching
Choir practice is always a fun activity. Sometimes I think that I enjoy the practice sessions more than the actual church service.
Most of my music capability comes from Thistle. There are times that he just seems to shine with goodness, energy, and purity. I wish I had those features. For me, the instances of shining are few and far between indeed.
I don’t know why my integration centred on Indigo instead of Thistle. I’m not as nice a person and I tend to be more judgmental and aggressive. Thistle does not have these moral failings. He also never has doubts of faith.
If the integration had somehow made Thistle the primary personality, I wonder if I would be in ministry now instead of law enforcement? I know I’d be a lot thinner than I am now because angels don’t eat, ha ha.
I guess that I sometimes become aware of what a broken and morally flawed individual I am, and how Thistle is *not* broken or morally flawed. I guess that’s the difference between being a human and being an angel.
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( 2.9 / 1814 )Friday, April 14, 2006, 08:16 AM - Dissociation & Switching
I’m feeling better today. Yesterday and the day before were pretty dissociative. I know that I became Halo for a while. But I am my usual identity today.
Not that anyone cares, or anything...
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( 3 / 1949 )Thursday, April 13, 2006, 08:42 AM - Dissociation & Switching, halo's thoughts
i hate my innate cowardice. i see in my mind the things i should do to myself to exact punishment for my continued existence. i see myself slitting my wrists and watching my blood flow forth. or cutting my throat and having it end all the faster. i am a coward. i cannot make myself do what must be done.
i am a ghost that haunts this body. i am a remnant. i am a forgotten and leftover fragment. all that is left is this shadow, this death magic.
if only someone would shoot me or poison me. i am a hollow space where someone good and whole once lived and breathed. i am just a diminished ghost of no consequence. but i cannot make the body’s heart stop by will alone.
i am a thing of darkness and emptiness. i do not know why i exist.
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( 3 / 1525 )Wednesday, April 12, 2006, 08:57 PM - Dissociation & Switching, halo's thoughts
there are times when i realize what a fraud i am, and a monster. i am a creature that brings forth the power of darkness and death magic into the world. i have the power of entropy. from me comes corruption and decay. i hate all that i am. i am a remnant.
when i touch things, they fall apart and break down.
when i touch people, they sicken and waste.
my soul casts a shadow into the spirit world. people lose their faith because of me.
i hate myself.
i am a useless coward. and i am a curse incarnate. i am an incarnation of darkness and death magic. i would beg to be shot in the head. i cannot do it myself. i am a coward.
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( 2.7 / 1914 )Friday, March 17, 2006, 08:17 AM - Dissociation & Switching
The interesting thing about exercise and dissociation is how, when I do a really intense workout, I feel like I'm shining. It feels sometimes that there's this unseen radiant energy that becomes part of me for a while. If it made a visible glow, it would be bright silver-white.
Thistle has this energy all the time. But at least I can occasionally experience it.
I wish that when I had the shining that I could fly too.
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