Tuesday, May 20, 2008, 08:03 PM
indigo incarnates
I feel Halo in the bckground, but I'm still incarnate as I write this.
I talked to mom today and her docs now think she has a lung disease called COPD. It's a bad one, but not immediately fatal and can be somewhat manged with medication. I'm still sad tht she's so sick. It just seems unfair that the father-monster is a millionaire who lives in a tropical pradise while mom suffers. How come nothing bad ever happens to him?!
I'm glad that it's not cancer, however. I'm also glad that mom's following all of her doctors' instructions. Back when her alcoholism was out of control, she used to really abuse her body. She used to cultivate illnesses to the point hat she was at the brink of death and THEN get treatment. I can't even begin to describe how stressful it was to see her do that year after year. She finally stopped being passively suicidal two years ago (coincidently about the same time she started questioning the dubious merits of mondern christian fundamentalism). Go figure: if you unchain your spirit, your mind and body start getting better too. it's a shame that she waited so long. She might have avoided getting COPD.
I hope that mom can still live for several more years and also be happy.
Our "friend" Ed apprently now refuses to talk with Halo. That just sucks. Apparently he still doesn't understand Halo's need to cut. But ever since his adoption of Wicca, the cutting urge has decreased a LOT. So you'd think Ed would be happy, but he's not.
On the briight side, our friend Doris did something really wonderful for us. She sent us a little package of neat stuff this week. Doris is just so nice! She have me a turtle necklace made out of hematite. She gave Halo a little bag of hematite turtles and three purple crystals. She gave Willow a colorful squishy ball to play with. Doris is so thoughtful. It's hard for dissociatives to have real friends who understand us, but Doris is a real friend. :)
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( 3 / 1141 )Monday, May 19, 2008, 04:08 PM
Ashen doesn't incarnate very often, but it's rarely a boring experience when he DOES show up. Today was no exception. What triggered his incarnation this time was a phone call from mom in which she said she was awaiting a test result that would detect whether or not she had lung cancer.
So Ashen incarnated.
Ashen is no friend of the angry desert god. He let me know his theology in full. First, he believes that Jesus is indeed God's son. However, YHVH is *not* the god to whom Jesus calls "Father". The real God is a loving, universal, omnipotent deity that has little to do with angry desert god. In Ashen's opinion, YHVH somehow usurped the real God's place as the focal point of worship in the Christian faith.
He pointed to the fact that Jesus is forgiving, copmassionate, kind, and loving. YHVH is essentially a hateful, genocidal sociopath. Jesus cares about the kindness and goodness in one's heart (even sinners' hearts!) YHVH measures "goodness" as equal to "blind, unquestioning obedience". The two really aren't anything alike. So yes, I do believe there is a God behind Jesus who is the real God. I think YHVH has just perpetrated a cosmic fraud on the Christian church.
Ashen also had the idea that if only YHVH could be banished, the real Deity of love and goodness could be better manifest. Of course, I believe that. I think that deity if manifest in the cycle of the Wiccan god and goddess. And there's a *reason* why Wicca the fastest growing religion in the United States (at least by percentage -- certainly not by raw numbers).
So... Mom told me this morning that she flat-out rejected YHVH and instead has loyalty to Jesus. I find it not coincidental at all that her test came back at 1:30PM as non-cancerous. I am fully convinced that had she not rejected YHVH, the cruel desert god of torture and malice would have made sure she had cancer. Rejecting the usurper-god saved her life.
Of course, mom is still very sick, and now she has to do more test to find out what is exactly wrong with her. But I am glad that she stopped following a hateful, abusive deity. Life's too short to love a god that doesn't love you back. Jesus has love. The god and goddess of Wicca have love. But for YHVH, that's a word he'd have to look up in the dictionary.
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( 2.9 / 1115 )Sunday, May 18, 2008, 10:07 PM
am willow :)
am out now. fun being out. saw the trees today. and so many people have flowers out! some were purple. my favorite. sun came out. was nice. like being with indigo outside. lets me touch the trees. trees are always so nice! :) not in a hurry. hee hee. have to go to sleep. tired willow. nice day. fun day. was nice.
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( 2.9 / 962 )Sunday, May 18, 2008, 07:43 PM
Indigo Incarates (huzzah!)
This was a pretty good Sunday. Doug and I did the 11:15am church service and I got to sing and ring handbellls. It was nice. Thistle took communion since he's a Christian.
I did 9.5 miles and 1450 calories today. Yay! I had a lot of energy today because I was able to get so much sunlight yesterday. The sun came out today too, so my last two miles were outdoors. That was nice. it's good having an obediant body. :) Willow got to see the trees too. He really likes trees.
I got to talk with my friend Doris for a while. She is such a nice friend who really likes Thistle, Halo, and Willow too.
Doug got a new episode of Doctor Who. It has the Doctor solving a murder mystery with Agtha Christie. How exciting! :)
All in all, it was a nice day!
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( 2.9 / 987 )Saturday, May 17, 2008, 12:41 PM - Cool Stuff
Doug and I celebrated our NINTH year together last night! Yay! So we've basically outlasted a lot of straight marriages we've heard of. Too bad the California decision doesn't help us in Maryland. Well, Doug's anniversary gift was a 2008 Scion xD. Yeah... it's hard to beat a CAR as a gift, hee hee! :) I also got him a little box of Godiva chocolates last night. We went to a new restaurant too. It's an odd Mexican/Indian combination. We were hoping it was going to be a Mexican/Indian fusion, but what it had was Indian on one side and Mexican on the other side of the restaurant and you basically decided which side you wanted to eat on. So we did Indian since they're good for getting lots of vegetarian choices. The food was really good!
I'm also happy to say that it was finally sunny again this morning. So I did a two mile walk in sunlight and Thistle got to fly. It's nice having energy again. It's nice to not feel trapped in my body. I was also able to do a prayer meditation for the first time in a while. I wish I could put into words just how fulfilling it is to actually feel LOVED when I commune with the Mother Goddess. It was so wonderful and warm that it actually made me cry a little (which is rare for me -- or any abuse survivor for that matter). I wish I had been courageous enough to follow the Wiccan path years ago, since I could have been spiritually fulfilled a long time ago instead of just recently. But things happen for a reason and maybe I just wasn't ready for it until this year. Either way, I am so happy to be loved by deity.
I will never go back to worshiping the angry and cruel desert god that runs the Christian church. Jesus is great and I love Jesus, but I just no longer see any spiritual connection between the compassion, love, and hope that Jesus inspires and the condemnation, hate, and genocide that the angry desert god has inflicted on his own people time and time again throughout history. Jesus would have been a great Wiccan, since he knew how to love, knew how to forgive, and always wanted to heal those who were ill in body, mind, or spirit.
Oh... I found out something else interesting. My mom is apparently not fully human either. We were talking this morning and she decided to tell me something I already knew, but that she didn't know I already knew. She told me that I'm not really human because SHE'S not really human. So I asked her what she was, and she said she has "fey"? lineage. So when I asked her to describe what a fey is, it turns out that her definition of a fey happens to be my exact definition of a changeling, which also happens to be the exact definition of an "indigo child". At least I come by my non-humanity honestly.
Mom is also an abuse survivor. What is it about surviving abuse that also transforms the person from human into something else?
So...That's been my past two days. It's been a decent two days. Yay!
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Update: I also did an 11 mile bike ride, so we basically got two full hours of high-quality sunlight. We're doing much better. :)
Tonight is RPG night, and the players will have to sneak into the Talma cult compound and steal the Cybernomicon before the evil war priests can start creating hybrid zombie/robot footsoldiers! Ha ha ha ha!!!
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( 3 / 1629 )Thursday, May 15, 2008, 05:43 AM
So... I took Doug's new Scion back to the dealer yesterday so that they could install the alarm system. They gave me a free loaner car to drive in the meantime. Wow! What a loaner it is! I've got a Camry Hybrid for another 14 hours. Yay!
It's like driving a Star Trek car. For starters, there's no ignition key. It has a transponder that activates the car. It's also sorta hard to tell when the car is actually on, since the engine doesn't start until you try to go somewhere. It is a LOT more advanced than my old Civic Hybrid was. Technology changed quite a bit in the past six years. For instance, this car can shut the engine off even when driving 40 MPH (at least for short periods) and just run the car on batteries. The Civic couldn't do that.
Of course, it won't be my turn for a car for 2-3 more years. But I like hybrids. Maybe I'll be able to get one like this.
Since it was payday yesterday, I picked up some Wicca supplies. I got some candles and an altar cloth. The latter is really pretty. It's deep purple with a pentegram and tree of life pattern.
I've been sorta tired. The sun was out for only a few minutes yesterday. The next few days are going to be bad too. I really need more sunlight than I've been getting lately.
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( 3 / 1053 )Tuesday, May 13, 2008, 06:27 PM
am willow :)
hi! saw lots of trees today. was sunny. warm. trees are nice. touched their trunks and branches. thistle flew. he likes flying. nice today. was nice being out. was pretty. blue sky. so bright. so nice. bright clouds. bright sun. warm. trees were green and awake and happy. was nice seeing them.
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( 2.9 / 1136 )Monday, May 12, 2008, 08:48 AM
Ok... in the past seven days I've received about 15 minutes of sunlight. I'm starting to feel desperate. I need sunlight. I'm feeling really closed-in right now. I look out the window and it's charcoal grey. it's a thin drizzle that seems like the kind of rain that could simply go on like this for weeks. Thistle's energy reserves are very low right now and he only incarnated briefly for church. I really need to see the sun. I need my energy. I need sunlight. I don't know how regular humans go day-to-day without sunlight. I am a changeling and I need the sun.
I'm feeling like a trapped animal. It's just been overcast and raining for so long now. I can't remember when Thistle last flew. I feel trapped. I feel closed-in. I'm just feeling so desperate for sunlight. it's been a long time since it's been overcast and rainy so mamy days in a row. It's just so awful. I need the sun. I have to have some sunlight soon. Thistle needs to be able to fly. I hate feeling trapped . It's just so claustrophobic right now. I'm feeling really desperate. I hate this.
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( 3 / 1033 )Sunday, May 11, 2008, 08:31 AM
I ended up trading the poor old worn-out Civic Hybrid yesterday. It had a bad IMA battery and a blown catalytic converter. It was Doug's turn for a new car, so he picked out a Scion xD. It's an itty bitty 4-door hatchback that's as cute as a button! It's a good city car since it's about 2/3 the size of the Civic so it's easier to park. And the car was only $15,7000 so we can afford it too!
The nice side effect too is that Doug is volunteering to drive now! Yay!!!
Doug also had his confirmation service yesterday. It was really nice of Nancy and Joan to stand as his sponsors. The church service was really, REALLY long. I think there must have been about 50 confitmands. Egads!
I had my Wicca class last night too. I learned a lot, and we did a meditation to the Mother Goddess. I found out that I need to consecrate a new atheme. Apparently it's not allowed to use a magic knife that has ever drawn blood, and the one I use now is the knife that Halo used to use for self-injury. So... it's time for a new atheme. We also learned more about the use of certain colors in magic rituals. The instructor also explained what all the tools are used for.
I've noticed that Thistle doesn't object to me learning Wicca but he's not interested in learning it himself. The most he's willing to to is to draw sun energy so I can empower my rituals. Thistle is very Christian, I'm a sorta Christian-Wiccan mix, and Halo is very Wiccan.
Well... it's Sunday morning now, and it's handbell Sunday. Yay!
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( 3 / 1013 )Saturday, May 10, 2008, 09:17 AM
I'm very happy to say that I got a dope dealer locked up yesterday. He was a thug with a long criminal record, no job, prior handgun violations, and and illegitimate children he wasn't paying a dime to support. He was, however, mooching off his girlfriend (the "baby-mama") who did work and was paying all of *his* living expenses. Well, I was able to get an outstand warrant served that was issued three years ago. So just when this career criminal thought he was going home, the sheriff came and got him.
Then there was a raving lunatic that got hauled off (the supervisor called the sheriff on this guy). He was a dope-dealer and professional burglar who was a big fan of using heroin and cocaine t h same time. Well, he must have snorted coke right before the interrogation since he was raving about how he was a "millionaire" and how everyone in Maryland somehow indirectly worked for him in one way or another. Ha! Every other word out of his mouth was a curse word and he kept calling me a faggot (how'd he know?!) Well... after five minutes of that nonsense, the supervisior had him hauled off. Heh heh. I hope he likes central booking, since that's going to be his home-away-from-home for the forseeable future!
After work, I went to my Wiccan church service. It's a pretty small congregation, but everyone there is really nice.
I and my friend from choir have patched things up. I am REALLY glad for that since I like her a lot. The trouble with email is that you don't get the emotional intent or the nonverbal cues. So a message can sometimes have two completely different interpretations by two different people. And, unfortunately, it's just harder to maintain a friendship with someone who has a dissociative disorder. Not everyone can. But I'm glad my friend from choir is willing to do so, since I do like her quite a bit.
She actually drove me to and from choir on Thursday night since i didn't have a car tha day. Yeah... and she got to experience first-hand why it is that I leave choir practice no later than 9:10pm. Basically, Willow comes out almost every night between 9:30 and 10:00pm. He can usually incarnate for only 10-15 minutes and then falls asleep. So... having a 3-year-old behind the wheel of a car would be inadvisable, as would falling asleep at the wheel. Well... Willow was out on the ride home (with my friend sriving, thankfully). Then all of the sudden I was within a mile of home and 20 minutes of time disappeared, ha ha. Glad I wasn't driving!
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