Wednesday, December 26, 2007, 05:43 PM - nightmares
I don't know why I have to be haunted by my father as often as I do. But it happens frequently that I have nightmares in which my father is a tormentor. Last night was no exception. The dream last night involved dad somehow managing to become director of Pretrial Services and then using his first official act to fire me on trumped-up accusations of incompetence.
On the way home from being fired, I ended up getting killed in a car accident. As my brain got smashed against the windshield, I wondered in that instant if it was really possible that God could love me, and if I would be welcome in the life-to-come.
Yeah... pretty depressing.
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( 3 / 1357 )Monday, December 24, 2007, 08:44 PM
When I was younger, it was easier to look forward to Christmas. It wasnMt because of getting presents, since that was a bit hit and miss, but I looked forward to the feeling of being closer to God.
But ever since the Time of Darkness (in 1996), it's just been so hard to feel connected with God. I want to, and I need to, but it feels like I have so much scar tissue that I am just not as trusting as I once was.
The Time of Darkness broke me in a fundamental way. That year, God took EVERYTHING from me. It was a year that God treated me like some ill-favored plaything that a toddler torments and destroyed. The net result is that I just haven't been able to bring myself to believe that God won't hurt me on purpose.
And then there is God's ranks of hateful representatives on earth. There are so many people with the title "reverend", "pastor", and "father" that spew venom at gays and anyone who is different.
Jesus never turned away the damaged, the broken, and the poor. But his modern-day speakers are quick to do so. They judge and condemn, but cannot accept or forgive.
i wish that God could forgive me and help me to be a better person. I wish that God could take away the scar tissue that prevents me from feeling His presence.
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( 3 / 1176 )Tuesday, December 18, 2007, 05:33 PM - Random Thoughts
1. When you were born, how much did you weigh? 9 pounds.
2. What’s your sugar poison? Jebby Bellies, Sweedish Fish, Lemonheads, and Dots.
3. If you had to choose between meat and cheese for the rest of your life, which would you choose? Then be specific. I'd pick cheese. There are so many dishes that require cheese, but almost every meat dish can implement a soy-based subsitute.
4. What, in your opinion, is the worst song ever? One of the songs in the hymnal (I forget which number it is), but I always recognize it in the first few notes. It's boring, uninspired, lousy, and long.
5. Who was your favorite teacher growing up and why? Dr. Cathcart (at Salisbury State). He could ctually understand the spatial relationships between four-dimensional objects. Yeah, his was a rare mind. He was also philosophical and funny.
6. What personal activity, when performed in public, bothers you the most?
While the cell phone thing doesn't bother me, per se, there is a specific kind of cell phone that aggrivates me a great deal. These cutting-edge "two-way" phones from Boost and Nextel are a bane because rude people turn the chirp sound up to full volume and then scream into the speakerphone. It's just so rude!
7. Ok, there’s a $50 bill lying on the ground. You pick it up. Dumbfounded by your incredible luck, what do you selfishly purchase? A british mystery (like Morse, Frost, Wire in the Blood, etc.)
8. Do you have a recurring nightmare? My father (an abusive monster) often plays a pivitol role in my nightmares. He usually appears in my dreams to scream at me, or to tell me how I have disappointed him or or how I am utterly worthless.
9. Name one place on Earth you’ve never been, but vow to visit at least once. I'd love to see Ireland. It is there that I would hope to somehow find one of the Thin Places where the boundary between worlds is stretched thin and one might be able to cross over into some other realm.
10. You notice that question #9 wasn’t really a question. You feel smart for catching such a small detail. What else can you do really well that reminds you how smart you are? I can figure out how to use almost any electronic gadget without ever having seen an instruction manual.
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( 3 / 1142 )Tuesday, December 18, 2007, 04:46 PM - Random Thoughts
So... Doug managed to get some really cheap tickets to a play called "The Homecoming". The play was just plain bizarre. It takes place in some run-down townhouse in London in which a father, two sons, and an uncle occupy the house.
Well, the father is a violent, foul-mouthed braggart on pension. Son #1 is a pimp and Son #2 is a boxer / factory worker. The uncle is a chauffer who I suspect might have been gay.
The "homecoming" part comes into play when the eldest son (a philosophy professor) shows up at midnight with his odd, distant wife.
The long and short of it is this: the wife meets the family and decides to move in and become a prostitute. The husband is, strangely, okay with this plan since he was going to get a 10% share of her illicit earnings. The pimp-son offered to get her set up in business since he said he only dealth with high-price call girls and not "aged trotters".
Yeah.
The pimp-son is also sort of a sociopath, since be bragged about how he thought about murdering his last girlfriend but was too lazy to finish the job (ie. "But then I thought about how I'd have to bury the body and all that rubbish. Too much damned work, so I just kicked her a bit with my boot"). Yeah.
It was a darkly humorous play that was, against all odds, fun to watch. The acting was really good. I just have no idea what the hell the play was trying to accomplish. It inspired lots of questions but darned few answers.
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( 2.9 / 1240 )Tuesday, December 11, 2007, 10:45 PM
Usually I don't mind that our Choir Master is a demanding, iron-handed perfectionist. Her methods help us create some pretty professional-sounding music despite the fact that we are all ameteur unpaid volunteers. Our sole tangible reward each year has been the Christmas party, where we generally eat, drink, and watch Claymation Christmas.
Well, tonight Nancy decided to kick her perfectionism into overdrive. She kept making us practice our pieces over and over. The rehersal lasted twice as long as usual and we didn't get to have the party. It sucked for wo reasons: she withheld our only reward because she apprently didn't think we sounded good enough; everyone brought things to eat and drink (and we got to do neither, and that cost money).
We are not actually professional musicians. We don't go on world tours and we don't have record contracts. And while I appreciate the fact that the Choir Master was a child prodigy that learned to play the piano at age five, the rest of us are mere mortals. She obviously forgot that tonight.
I am both angry at her and deeply disappointed with her.
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( 3 / 888 )Sunday, December 9, 2007, 04:55 PM
Well... as much as I hate to say it, I think my car's better days are behind it. My Civic hybrid is 5.5 years old and has close to 130,000 miles. Yeah, it's been driven a LOT. It's also had a whole bunch of little accidents, which means that it's covered with dings and scratches. It's reached the point in its service life where components are beginning to fail.
The catalytic converter burned out two weeks ago. For a hybrid, that's a $1,350 part. I'm not going to replace it. The heater/AC controller has gone bad ($350), but I will replace that. More ominously, however, is the fact that I am rapidly approaching the 150,000 mile mark on the hybrid batteries. After that point, the batteries will probably deteriorate rapidly. Even now, their charge is reduced.
Oh well. Things wear out. Would I buy another hybrid? You bet!
Of course, my current drive is only 4.1 miles to work, so I will probably just get a Hona Fit or a Toyota Yaris for my next car.
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( 3 / 894 )Sunday, December 9, 2007, 02:44 PM - Stupid Criminals
I had a totally hillarious defendant at Pretrial last week. This dude was about 25 but he already had over 30 arrests on his RAP sheet, and they were all for petty thefts and trespassing. When I got to the part of the interview where I asked about his employment history, he proudly exclaimed "I steal for a living!" Ha ha ha ha ha!!!
Yeah, a thief who was actually honest about his vocation. Who would have guessed? He also said he enjoyed Christmas because there were "so many shops, but so little time". Heh heh.
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( 3 / 1702 )Friday, November 16, 2007, 07:03 PM
As you all know, I'm no big fan of Doug's sister. However, I did feel bad for her when she got diagnosed with breast cancer and lung cancer. Her doctors were able to surgically remove the breast cancer, but she's had to go through four months of chemotherapy for the lung cancer. Well, I found out last night that her treatment seems to be pretty successful so far. The lung tumors have pistol a lot. Her doctors think that only one more month of chemo might be necessary to finish destroying the cancer. So. . . She's not out of the woods yet, but there is certainly reason to be hopeful that she can make a full recovery.
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( 3 / 1112 )Sunday, November 11, 2007, 06:50 PM
The rector at my church has the longest, most boring sermons of any priest I've met. She drones on for half an hour and it's nearly impossible to stay awake.
We haven't had much luch with Priests. The previous rector actually wrote worse sermons, but they were shorter. Then we once had an associate rectore who didn't believe in the Trinity, so her sermons were both bogus and heretical.
I'd love to hear a good, concise, meaningful sermon
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( 3 / 936 )Saturday, November 10, 2007, 06:14 PM
Our esteemed governor, Martin O'Malley, didn't waste much time putting through one of the biggest tax hikes in Maryland history. He's going to raise the sales tax, gas tax, and income tax while at he same time offering a special tax cut for the most wealthy citizens of Maryland. Gee, you'd think he was a Republican!
Call me crazy, but where are the citizens supposed to get all this money from for paying new taxes? Nationwide, wages have stagnated since we got saddled with the Stupid Fake Cowboy (aka George W. Bush). And on top of that, the price of food, fuel, energy, and health care have all increased by triple-digit percentages since 2000 (again, the result of this nation being mismanaged by he Stupid Fake Cowbow). I just don't get it!
How's this for an idea: tax the heck out of gas-guzzling SUVs. Anyone who can afford a $75,000 Hummer H2 and the $200 fillups can afford to pay $2,000-$5,000 per year as an "environmental impact tax". At least that would tax the people who can actually pay it! As it is now, there are probably plenty of people for whom an additional $100/month is new taxes will simply be unaffordable.
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