Friday, March 14, 2008, 08:54 AM
Indigo has had insufficient rest for two days and lacks the energy to occupy the foreground I shall write the entry for today since Indigo feels it is important that this task be completed.
These are the thoughts that occur to me:
The body feels very heavy when not rested sufficiently.
There is a spot near the heart that has a vague ache and also feels heavy.
I feel the need to close my eyes, but that must not happen because the duty shift is about to commence.
I cannot fly and occupy the foreground concurrently.
Indigo has been tired more than two days. This body feels as if it has aquired much more than two days worth of fatigue.
When I occupy a tired body, it is difficult to keep my eyes focused.
These are my thoughts.
It is better that I am a companion spirit. In my true form, I need neither rest nor food. This human body, however, seems to have limitations and needs that have not been properly addressed recently. Indigo is tired and wants to cross the Veil. But that day will likely be decades away. He will be well again if he rests for a while. I will do what I can to let him rest and recover his energy and willpower.
Blessed Be
Thistle
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( 2.9 / 1258 )Thursday, March 13, 2008, 02:01 PM
I don't get be co-conscious with Willow (my alter that is a 3-year-old) very often. But we were in communion for about 15 minutes. it was really nice. He's very happy, but his happiness is different than Thistle's. He is my heart of purity. His presence just put me in such a good mood. :) He has no hate or fear or cynicism.
I've noticed that different alters have different effects on the shared body. When Thistle is active, we feel lighter (and sometimes smaller too). Halo makes the body go numb. Ashen makes the body feels more solid. When Willow is out, it makes our face and hands feel really warm. It wasn't unpleasant, but it's noticable.
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( 3 / 1254 )Thursday, March 13, 2008, 06:23 AM - Random Thoughts
Usully I'd have written this last night, but yesterday was really non-stop the whole day. But overall, it was a pretty good day with only a few pockets of unpleasantness.
Work was hard-core busy with non-stop processing of defendants for pre-trial release. I had mostly domestic violence cases yesterday -- which are always emotionally distressing to me. After all, I can rationally understand a bar brawl, but I cannot understand why people beat up the ones they allegedly love. But then I had a defendant on a drug charge that emitted a strong negative presence. It wasn't a death aura (thankfully), but the soul-sense that I got was that there was something crucial, critical, and non-replacable about him that had somehow become "burned out". I don't know the right words to say it, but "burned out" is something of the truth. I've really got to get better at shielding.
But once I left work, things got better. It was bright, warm, and sunny. Thistle got to fly for a long time. Angels only need energy, but changelings need food and energy. It was good to have communion with Thistle and feel the influx of warm, positive energy. He likes sunlight. It was really nice.
One of my friends on Second Life stepped me through a guided meditation to purge the negative energy I picked up at work. I think the meditation was successful, since I felt less weighted down afterwards. I was happy about that.
We ended up having bell choir last night instead of Tuesday, since the church was hosting some sort of half-baked dance recital of some sort. Bell practice went really well. There's a piece that Thistle really likes, so we shared consciousness for that one. It was good.
And last night I actually seven hours of uninterrupted, non-nightmare sleep. I think I can face the day. Yay! :)
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( 2.9 / 1223 )Tuesday, March 11, 2008, 10:02 PM - Random Thoughts
Meme!!
Stolen form Hannuman's blog on March 11, 2008
1. What’s the last thing you put in your mouth? A swig of lemonaid
2. What’s the last food item you touched? A chunk of cheesecake
3. Who ticked you off last and why? Whoever the person was that made all-meat dishes for the church dinner. :::arrrg:::
4. What would you change about your special someone? That he would do workouts with me at the gym sometimes.
5. What is your worst habit?: Being a slob
6. Do you make fun of people who are different than you? Not usually. I find "different" people interesting, since i'm pretty much a kook too.
7. What’s the best news you’ve gotten recently? Mom got over a bout of bronchitis
8. The worst? The water boll was $1,200 because we have a plumbing probem. :::blech:::
9. You have $200 to blow…what do you spend it on? Half on books, half on DVDs.
10. One month to live…What do you do? Try to finish writing "I, Construct" and then go hang gliding one last time.
11. Who do you call first with any kind of news? Partner-Doug
13. Who knows the most about you? Partner-Doug
14. What makes you absolutely livid? Not being believed when I am absolutely telling the truth.
15. U can only have one makeup item, what is it? Hmmm... I don't really use makup. Does sunscreen count.
16. What’s the last thing you dressed up for? The cruise last December
17. What tv show are you embarrassed to admit you watch? I don;t watch TV.
18. What band you’re embarrassed to listen to? I can’t think of any
19. What’s you’re favorite ice cream place and what do u get there? I don't eat ice cream very often.
20. When you’re in a store and see this person, you try to not get noticed? ::: question is phrased incorrectly? :::
21. The dumbest thing you’ve done lately is… Trusting a Wiccan mentor who has Aspergers syndrome.
22. The dumbest thing you’ve seen someone else do lately? I saw five SUVs back-to-back run a red light in sequence. JERKS!!!
23. If someone gave u a coloring book and crayons you would… See if Willow would manifest and start drawing.
24. Favorite Disney character? Hmm... I incarnated a bit late for Disney.
25. Favorite Disney movie? It’s a tie. Fern Gully... very Wiccan
26. My dream dinner party would be with… Heck... any dinner party that Partner-Doug comes with me to is fine by me.
27. I would serve _____as the meal.: A buffet of Indian vegetarian delicacies (except that I can't cook worth a damn).
28. And after dinner ________….: ::: figure is out, heh heh :::
29. Last thing someone bought for you?: A co-worker bought me a Diet Coke today. Yay!
30. Someone pranks you…your first guess as to who it is?: Either my co-worker Joann or the manager, Lou.
31. The last person you called a name was? Some ultra-violent junkie-thug. I called him an super-junkie-thug.
32. How do you want to be remembered? Someone who was intersting, loving, spiritual, and kind.
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( 3 / 1351 )Tuesday, March 11, 2008, 09:37 PM - Random Thoughts
Cool... Today was busy but otherwise pretty good. There were no disasters at work, despite being really, really busy. My overally mood has improved back to the point where I started projecting positive energy again. It's good to do that, since projecting feelings of goodwill, happiness, and contentment never hurt anyone. It certainly helps when dealing with angry defendants!
Oh! And it was really sunny! Thistle flew for a long time and it made him so happy! It feels so wonderful to be in communion with Thistle when he flies. I feel the energy he absorbs from the warm, shining sunlight. I am gled he's my protecting angel and companion spirit.
So... Doug and I went to the fourth (and final) Lentin Dinner at church. Holy cow! They really need to figure out that not everyone at church is a meat-eater! All I had to eat was some green beans and some dinner rolls. Aaaiieeee!!! But, even in that I can find something positive to say. See, it's easy to be a vegetarian on a full belly. But I withstood a mighty test tonight. I did not sucuum. I did not break my ethos. Yay. And, of course, that means that I will have been vegetarian a full month as of tomorrow morning!
I got kinda tired for a while, and that made Thistle come to the foreground for a while since I was too tired to remain. He likes to talk to my friends online since it's hard for him to speak verbally. I;m not sure why he has a hard time vocalizing, but it is difficult for him. But he has no problems with online chat, email, and text. I was happy he got to communicate with people who like him.
So... all in all, it was a pretty good day. :)
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( 2.9 / 1227 )Monday, March 10, 2008, 09:51 PM - Random Thoughts
Well... today was better than yesterday. I was able to meditate away some of the negative energy I picked up from rejection by my former mentor. My workday was surprisingly easy today -- I guess that means not too many people got locked up over the weekend. Did the thugs simply behave better on Saturday and Sunday? Hee hee!
I got a decent night's sleep last night. I'm still feeling a bit tired, but if I sleep well tonight, I'll be back at 100%.
There were a few minutes of sunlight (oh well.. better than nothing). So Thistle had a chance to pick up some energy when he flew. I also hit the gym and did 4.5 miles. I think it's good to get back to my usual routine after an unpleasant disruption.
I said a prayer for my former mentor, that he might become well. I decided that I won't study with him again, however, even if he recovers. But I still hope he heals, and I wish him well.
So, it's not too exciting of a blog post. But it could have been worse. After all, Halo came forward over the weekend and didn't hurt the body (good). The handbells went well (good). My workday was refreshingly easy (very, very good). None of the defendants today were surly, mean, or violent (good). The one active warrant I found in the system had already been served, so I didn't have to pursue it (yay!). So sometimes dull can be a restabilizing experience. Hee hee!
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( 3 / 1114 )Sunday, March 9, 2008, 12:22 AM - Dissociation & Switching
My thoughts are racing and my mind is in chaos. I can't sleep but I'm really tired. But I can't sleep. I'm really upset about the rejection by my now-former mentor. I found out from one of the circle members that the mentor has some condition called Aspergers Syndrome. Apparently it's like a lightweight version of autism, except that the person seems reasonably normal up to a point. When something bad happens in their personal lives, they tend to lash out at others around them in really inapprpriate ways.
With any luck, this guy will not mentor anyone else -- ever.
The thing that sucks is that he knew I had (and still have) a dissociative disorder, and he chose to hurt me anyway. I know I shouldn't take it personally since he did the same thing to everyone else in the circle. But it hurts, damn it. it just really hurts. I thought we were friends too. I guess not.
So now my thoughts are racing, I can't sleep, and I have two church services tomorrow.
My thoughts go round and round with:
-- Indigo: This situation sucks, and i'm tired and angry.
-- Thistle: He's ill, little one, and you should forgive him.
-- Halo: He hates us. We did something wrong. Blood pays for sins.
-- Ashen: Let's kick his ass all over town. I'll make him pay for hurting you, Indigo.
- Willow: Why did he go away? Where did he go?
And that theme goes round and round and round. My mind won't be quiet. I'm so damned tired. :(
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Update:
i think I fell asleep for about an hour, but it was worthless sleep. I had this nightmare about coming home and finding a mutilated corpse in the living room. I don't know if it was male or female since it was draped in white. I was afraid to touch it. But blood oozed through the shroud in seveal spots. Oddly enough, I also had the impression that the body had subsequently been frozen solid. It was a supemely unpleasant, very short, non-restful dream.
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Final update for today:
I managed to get through the church services. Halo manifested because the body was so low on physical energy (we're okay on spiritual energy, however, but the body needs power too.) But Halo did NOT cut. Yay! The choirmaster (Nancy) and a close friend (Joan) know I'm a multiple and can recognize when a different alter is running the body. They were able to talk Halo out of cutting. I am glad for that. They love Halo even though he's in pain. I am so grateful for Joan's and Nancy's friendship.
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( 3 / 1715 )Saturday, March 8, 2008, 07:01 PM - Random Thoughts
I have to say that my day was about as turbulant as the weather. First... the weather. It started out overcast and drizzly (but warm). Then it rained. Then it got really windy. Then it was sunny for a brief time. Then it got windy again (and much colder). Then it started raining again. Then, just as the sun was setting, the skies cleared again. Man!
Now for my day:
Doug and I did our usual Saturday ritual of eating breakfast at First Watch, and it wasn't too crowded for a change (so that was good). Then I did my usual Saturday ritual of going to the gym and doing the "super-workout" (good). Except the gym was closed for some kind of major repair (bad), so I had to drive to the other side of the city to use the other gym that is part of my membership and burn a bunch of gas at $3.19/gallon (bad). My workout went well (good) and I lost another pound this week (good). Then I got a message on my cell phone that I had been ejected from my Wiccan circle (bad) and I had no idea why.
I got home and contacted one of the other circle members and found out that the leader was having some kind of nervous breakdown and had dissolved the circle and was no longer going to mentor anyone (bad) and wasn't interested in being consoled by anyone, talking with anyone, or generally having any role in anyone else's spiritual development (realy bad). All I can do is say a prayer for him and hope he can recover from his illness. I hope that he can.
So, Doug and I tried a new vegetarian restaraunt that was pretty good AND cheap (good). I got a lime/ginger drink that was so acidic that it made my stomach sick (bad).
So... my day was like the weather: warm/cold, bright/dark, calm/chaotic. I guess some lessons have to be experienced to be learned. Part of life is having days like this. Still, I will think positive thoughts for my friend and mentor during his illness even though I doubt I will become his pupil again. My lessons will have to be learned elsewhere.
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( 3 / 1103 )Friday, March 7, 2008, 05:08 PM
I think today qualified as the first real spring rain today. It was upper-50s most of the day and the rain had a delicate gentleness to it as it quietly spattered against the three big windows at work. It was a peaceful and reassuring contrast to the chaos and negative energy that so fills my workplace.
When I left work, I decided to not use an umbrella as I walked the three city blocks from the courthouse to the parking garage. The rain was soft and cool and felt natural against my skin. It felt good to have it gradually soak my hair and have the droplets of clean, fresh water run down my face. I felt really connected to earth and sky. It felt wholesome in some fundamental way that I can't really put into words. Rain is natural and gives life. I was happy even though my clothes got wet :)
Blessed Be
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( 3 / 1051 )Thursday, March 6, 2008, 07:01 PM
So... I've been practicing the Wiccan discipline of drawing/grounding/shielding for about two weeks now and today was a good day to put what I've learned to the test. I had a defendant today that was putting out some really negative energy (not a death aura, but just really negative -- from lifetime of doing negative deeds). She was 57, homeless, had been using heroin and cocaine every day for 34 years, and was charged with a crime of pointless, stupid violence. I figured if I should shield myself from anybody, she was a good candidate. So I tried the Wiccan shielding ritual for the first time for *real* (as opposed to just practicing in a quiet room at home).
I took a calming breath and In my mind's eye, I drew upon some of the energy that Thistle stores in my body every time he flies. I visualized two small kernals of power, at the base of my spine and behind my heart. From those loci, I made them expand until they formed a bubble that surrounded my body at a very tight radius. It was clear, and yet I knew it existed. Visualization imprints the subconscious mind with the desired outcome of a magical procedure. The fifth principle of Wicca is: magic exists, magic is real, magic works.
I opened my eyes.
I could still feel the energy of my body, and the residual energy of the air within the "bubble", but I felt nothing from outside that radius. (How do humans go through life not feeling anything from the world around them?!) My thoughts went from "warm" to "cool" and I was able to deal with this otherwise horrifying defendant with clinical detachment.
Once the defendant had been dismissed from her pretrial release interrogation, I drew the energy back into my body. Once I had done that, I was able to sense the energy of my immdiate environment again (such as it is, working in a downtown urban setting devoid of trees or anything else green and growing). My thoughts went from "cool" back to "warm". The shielding ritual had worked perfectly!
Very awesome! I think I could get the hang of using magic!! :)
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