Monday, May 12, 2008, 08:48 AM
Ok... in the past seven days I've received about 15 minutes of sunlight. I'm starting to feel desperate. I need sunlight. I'm feeling really closed-in right now. I look out the window and it's charcoal grey. it's a thin drizzle that seems like the kind of rain that could simply go on like this for weeks. Thistle's energy reserves are very low right now and he only incarnated briefly for church. I really need to see the sun. I need my energy. I need sunlight. I don't know how regular humans go day-to-day without sunlight. I am a changeling and I need the sun.
I'm feeling like a trapped animal. It's just been overcast and raining for so long now. I can't remember when Thistle last flew. I feel trapped. I feel closed-in. I'm just feeling so desperate for sunlight. it's been a long time since it's been overcast and rainy so mamy days in a row. It's just so awful. I need the sun. I have to have some sunlight soon. Thistle needs to be able to fly. I hate feeling trapped . It's just so claustrophobic right now. I'm feeling really desperate. I hate this.
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( 3 / 971 )Sunday, May 11, 2008, 08:31 AM
I ended up trading the poor old worn-out Civic Hybrid yesterday. It had a bad IMA battery and a blown catalytic converter. It was Doug's turn for a new car, so he picked out a Scion xD. It's an itty bitty 4-door hatchback that's as cute as a button! It's a good city car since it's about 2/3 the size of the Civic so it's easier to park. And the car was only $15,7000 so we can afford it too!
The nice side effect too is that Doug is volunteering to drive now! Yay!!!
Doug also had his confirmation service yesterday. It was really nice of Nancy and Joan to stand as his sponsors. The church service was really, REALLY long. I think there must have been about 50 confitmands. Egads!
I had my Wicca class last night too. I learned a lot, and we did a meditation to the Mother Goddess. I found out that I need to consecrate a new atheme. Apparently it's not allowed to use a magic knife that has ever drawn blood, and the one I use now is the knife that Halo used to use for self-injury. So... it's time for a new atheme. We also learned more about the use of certain colors in magic rituals. The instructor also explained what all the tools are used for.
I've noticed that Thistle doesn't object to me learning Wicca but he's not interested in learning it himself. The most he's willing to to is to draw sun energy so I can empower my rituals. Thistle is very Christian, I'm a sorta Christian-Wiccan mix, and Halo is very Wiccan.
Well... it's Sunday morning now, and it's handbell Sunday. Yay!
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( 3 / 951 )Saturday, May 10, 2008, 09:17 AM
I'm very happy to say that I got a dope dealer locked up yesterday. He was a thug with a long criminal record, no job, prior handgun violations, and and illegitimate children he wasn't paying a dime to support. He was, however, mooching off his girlfriend (the "baby-mama") who did work and was paying all of *his* living expenses. Well, I was able to get an outstand warrant served that was issued three years ago. So just when this career criminal thought he was going home, the sheriff came and got him.
Then there was a raving lunatic that got hauled off (the supervisor called the sheriff on this guy). He was a dope-dealer and professional burglar who was a big fan of using heroin and cocaine t h same time. Well, he must have snorted coke right before the interrogation since he was raving about how he was a "millionaire" and how everyone in Maryland somehow indirectly worked for him in one way or another. Ha! Every other word out of his mouth was a curse word and he kept calling me a faggot (how'd he know?!) Well... after five minutes of that nonsense, the supervisior had him hauled off. Heh heh. I hope he likes central booking, since that's going to be his home-away-from-home for the forseeable future!
After work, I went to my Wiccan church service. It's a pretty small congregation, but everyone there is really nice.
I and my friend from choir have patched things up. I am REALLY glad for that since I like her a lot. The trouble with email is that you don't get the emotional intent or the nonverbal cues. So a message can sometimes have two completely different interpretations by two different people. And, unfortunately, it's just harder to maintain a friendship with someone who has a dissociative disorder. Not everyone can. But I'm glad my friend from choir is willing to do so, since I do like her quite a bit.
She actually drove me to and from choir on Thursday night since i didn't have a car tha day. Yeah... and she got to experience first-hand why it is that I leave choir practice no later than 9:10pm. Basically, Willow comes out almost every night between 9:30 and 10:00pm. He can usually incarnate for only 10-15 minutes and then falls asleep. So... having a 3-year-old behind the wheel of a car would be inadvisable, as would falling asleep at the wheel. Well... Willow was out on the ride home (with my friend sriving, thankfully). Then all of the sudden I was within a mile of home and 20 minutes of time disappeared, ha ha. Glad I wasn't driving!
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( 3 / 980 )Thursday, May 8, 2008, 08:51 AM
Indigo Incarnates
I was able to come back late last night. I guess one of the lessons I've learned is that I really am not well-suited for having in-person day-to-day interactions with human beings. I have friends in blogland and friends on Second Life, but I suspect that part of what makes that possible is that I'm physically far enough away that the psychic component of my manifestation is either absent or attenuated enough to not make a difference. When I interface with people face-to-face, it always ends up the same way: they sense my non-humanity (although they don't usually know that's what they're sensing) and it spooks them. Sometimes I can develop in-person friendships for a while and then when I get to a level of trust that I can talk about myself in truth, they back off -- quickly. But I didn't ask to incarnate the body of a boy whose mind was destroyed by a sadistic psychopath. Life just sort of worked out that way.
I don't really have any friends in-person who feel comfortable being around me for any particular amount of time. Yes, I do my roleplaying game twice per month and that usually lasts about four hours. That, I'm sad to say, is the extent to which human beings feel comfortable being exposed to me.
I was really hoping that someday I'd be able to develop friendships like normal human beings can. I can't. I'm basically a screwed-up, bizarre person. I'm not human. So how can I really ever interface with humanity?
I guess the lesson here is to just maintain online friendships since they apparently CAN be maintained. It's easier for someone to accept my non-humanity when that person can't FEEL my non-humanity. It really does intimidate people in person. I wish it didn't, but it does. When someone knows me long enough, there really does come a time when the person realizes, "Holy crap! He's not making this stuff up!" After that, it's over. :(
And so, there are a *handful* of people that can withstand me in-person under certain contexts for very finite periods of time. But there isn't anyone in my life that I can casually say, "Doug's working tonight, wanna see a movie?" I just don't have friends like that. I wish I did, but I don't. Human beings just don't feel comfortable around me in-person and they never will. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I think I've finally learned it.
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( 3 / 1021 )Wednesday, May 7, 2008, 08:52 AM
halo incarnates
am at work. don't want to be seen. being quiet. am unfit for humans. don't want to be seen. just doing job. not talking. want to be invisible. hate myself. am unfit for humans. tired halo. indigo's sad. indigo's away. halo incarnates body. doing work quietly. don't want to talk with humans. don't want to be seen by humans. am unfit for humans. am inappropriate for humans. will never be good enough. hate myself. hate being feared. hate being hated. hiding. want to be invisible so humans can't see us. want to have humans not hate us. want to be good enough. am never good enough. we try. try hard. really try hard. really want to be ok for humans. want to be said "nice halo, good friend". am too broken. am too hurt. humans can't look at us without fear/revulsion. looks at us like we're a creature. tries to be human. tries to be good. am not bad. am good. didn't do anything wrong. just wanted a human friend.
am never good enough. am never human enough. am just dark creature. sad halo. tired halo. having to incarnate since indigo is away. sad indigo. hiding.
skin is numb. want to cut. can't. at work. nothing sharp. want to bleed so things can be ok.
tired. really tired. hate myself. hate beinghated. hate being feared. tried to be good enough for humans. failed. am a failure. sorry. sorry to fail. sorry to not be good enough. am good. am not evil. sorry people are afraid. sorry to be seen as inappropriate. wanted to be accepted. never will be accepted. sad halo.
will just try to be invisible. will not talk to humans. not good enough for humans. will try to be quiet at work and just do job in silence.
didn't go to choir. not human enough for choir. not human enough to be around humans. hate myself. sad halo.
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( 3.1 / 1110 )Tuesday, May 6, 2008, 06:27 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
am unfit for human companionship. am dark. broken. am inappropriate for humans. hate myself. not going to choir. humans are good for choir. happy people. am dark. am not human. am a remnant. tried do do human things. didn't work. hate myself. hate being feared. makes people sad. hate myself. so tired. had to incarnate all day. indigo wouldn't come out. indigo's sad. won't come out.
tired halo. sad halo.
tried so hard to act human. no one's convinced. am just a creature. dark. hurt. sad. in pain. hate myself.
won't be around people. will hide. don't like humans to see me. am too dark for them. hate being hated. hate being feared. will never be accepted by humans. friend thinks we're inappropriate. won't be seen in public. halo's no good for humans. hate self hate myself.
skin is numb.
people fear us. won't be seen with us. afraid of us. we're staying away from humans. staying upstairs. staying away from people. people fear us. wish we could be accepted. never will be. never will pass for human. hate myself. want to cut. so tired. indigo won't come out. hiding. sad.
tired halo.
used the lancelet to cut. single drop of blood. good to bleed.
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( 3.1 / 1125 )Tuesday, May 6, 2008, 06:21 AM - Random Thoughts
Indigo Incarnates
Halo used his diabetic lancelet to cut yesterday and drew only a single drop of blood. That worked for him. That compromise worked, since he gets to have his release and yet the body is not put at risk. This is a good thing. I don't know why inflicting self-injury makes this system feel better afterwards, but it does. At least now there's no chance of accidently causing serious injury. I can't even see the pinprick this morning.
I had a friend cancel out on going to Six Flags when my friend found out we were going only with each other and not with a group. I am such a freak.It was unfair to ask in the first place. Who in their right mid would want to spend quality time with a mentally ill, self-injurious dissociative, homosexual witch? I don't have many friends, and none of them feel safe around me one-on-one. I'm a broken, damaged, shell of a person. It's no wonder I'm shunned.I hate myself too.
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( 2.6 / 1248 )Sunday, May 4, 2008, 10:50 AM
Indigo incarnates
I had a real moment of clarity this morning when I pulled into church parking lot. Outside the building, the sun shone brightly and warmly, the breeze blew the scent of blossoms through the air. The trees are nearly fully green again and I could FEEL their life-presence. The sun felt warm on my hands and face. The twittering and cawing of birds made me really happy. As I looked into the wooded field next to the church, I realized "THIS is where God is, not inside a building of stone and glass."
How did i not know this before walking the Wiccan path?
During the church service, I kept finding myself thinking thoughts like "I believe in Jesus, but i don't think Jesus is the ONLY manifestation of deity." And "Old testament God makes a lot of promises to his followers, but he didn't deliver". And "Why is the definition of 'righteousness' as 'grovelling before Old Testament God'?" And "Why is the ethos of Jesus so loving and forgiving while Old testament God is so capricious and hateful?"
Then I though of the Lord and Lady in my Wiccan faith. They love what has been created, what breathes, what has life and grows. The Mother Goddess does not demand we grovel before her. She loves us. She understands light and dark. In the Wiccan path, we are responsible for our behavior. We are to love. We are to forgive. We are to share. Just because we don't grovel before some angry god of the scorched desert doesn't mean we're evil. I think evil is hurting others on purpose, or inspiring others to hate, or withholding charity when one can afford to give, or withholding love when one can love, or refusing companionship to the lonely and friendless. That's evil.
Worshipping God in a different way *isn't* evil. having a life-long lover of the same gender is not evil. Caring for nature is not evil. Using magic for healing is not evil. Casting spells to bless crops and animals is not evil.
That is what I learned today.
Blessed Be
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( 2.9 / 1020 )Saturday, May 3, 2008, 09:46 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
kept my promise. didn't cut. not cutting until may5. tired. bad dreams. dreamed of fire. don't want to die in fire. rather be shot or hung. don't want to get burned. hate fire. hate burns. hate nightmares. hate being haunted. hate being hated.
am changing. have been changing. less creature. more human. bone replaced barbed wire. blood replaced black acid. have skin now. have eyes and face and hands. am changing. better. more human.
not a monster. not evil. not bad. not being bad.
am being good. good person. nice person. being good.
was tired. don't like my domain. want somehwere safe. hate seeing black sky and black acid rain. hate sharp jagged rocks. want a safe domain. somewhere safe to rest. not safe anymore. jagged rocks not safe for flesh.
thistle wants to help. said he'd change things. make less sharp. make it safer. want somewhere safe. tired now. want to sleep. was out today. incarnated a long time. made me tired. don't want to go back to sharp rocks and black rain. want a safe place. hate my domain. tired. so tired.
didn't cut. promised. didn't cut. resisted. want to cut. want to bleed. want to see our blood. to see us bleed. not cutting. resiting. promised. didn't cut. trying. being good. knife is an atheme now so can't use it. have a lancelet now. makes little cut. little blood. less cut. didn't cut yet. promised. won't cut until may5.
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( 2.9 / 1229 )Saturday, May 3, 2008, 06:09 PM - Random Thoughts
Last night was pretty cool. I ran my roleplaying game with Doug and two other friends. It was a lot of fun. It was basically part two of the "Firefly Sanctuary" dungeon. The brave adventurers had to face a giant, man-sized skelletal hand that punched and slapped them all over the place. Then they fought two Undead captains who led mutually-opposing armies of the dead against each other in a semingly eternal conflict. Then they solved the mystery of a jilted bride who had the power to unleash hell's fury at any untruthful man. They eventually found the Firefly Sanctuary and were able to refill the decanters from which healing potions are made.
My night was not too good. I had a terrible nightmare that involved me getting burned to death. It was ghastly. I never want to experience that again. It's not the only time I've been killed in a dream, but the ones that involve being burned to death are the most horrible.It made me wake up tired -- like I hadn't slept at all. I would have almost rather had insomnia than have that dream.
Saturday was better, however. I took a nice 4.5 mile walk into the NCR trail and did a prayer ritual to the Lord and Lady. I can feel the sumble, gentle power of the magic circle. It's nice to feel the quiet love of the God and Goddess. The only hard part was finding somewhere secluded enough to pray that was still accessible from the main trail. I did find such a place. I think only one person saw me. that was good.
After that, I test-drove a car. Doug was really happy with his test of the Scion xD, so I gave it a spin today too. I got the wee beastie up to 100 MPH with little difficulty. :) Who would have thought? The dealer agent is pretty nice. He's not trying to shove a car down our throats or trying to upsell us into a Lexus. So far so good. Maybe next Saturday Doug will have his new car!
Halo was out for a while, but most of his friends were offline. Oh well. He does seem to be changing for the better. He's more human and less creature than he once was.
So... today's not too bad. :)
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