Thursday, December 4, 2008, 06:14 PM
Halo Incarnates
Dark time now. Am not afraid of long nights. Just dark. Not afraid. Will not be afraid. An not afraid of the dark nights. Too much dark makes body tired. Don't know why. Would like to not be tired. Tired of being tired. Am really tired.
Am tired. Skin becomes numb. Can feel with just fingers. Skin becomes numb. So little energy. Hard to sleep. Can't sleep much. Am so tired. Hard to have energy.
Wanted to cut. Didn't cut. Sometimes get afraid to cut. Think it would be hard to stop. So have not cut. Am so tired. Am so very tired. Am really tired. Am tired.
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( 3 / 1052 )Thursday, December 4, 2008, 09:05 AM
Indigo Incarnates
Well... My blackberry got delivered last night, so I can do some blogging finally. My computer bit the dust the day after the Blackberry died, so it's really sucked not being able to access the internet. But at least with a Blackberry phone I can visit my favorite blogs again. Huzzah!
Oh... And I was able to delete the spam that got posted over the weekend as well. Yay!
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( 3 / 1040 )Tuesday, December 2, 2008, 11:46 AM
halo Incarnates
worried. don't want to be left behind. don't want everything taken away. angry desert god likes to take everything away. has hurt us before. afraid friends will go away. things get bad and people go away. don't want to be alone. don't want to be left behind. think our darkness makes people go away. am sad. soon things will get bad. then angry desert god will hurt us. then everyone leaves. hate being left behind. am sad. am tired. hard to sleep. mind races. so tired. hard to sleep. will always wake up. then can't sleep. am so tired. body has little energy. hand is weak. sometimes strength is low. old injury. wouldn't heal right. makes weakness happen. not always. just sometimes. hand is weak today.
feel like we did something wrong. computer died. don't know why. think we make charged energy. makes machines stop. don't know why.
still worried. don't want to be left behind. don't want to be left alone when the bad time comes. was hard last time. was hard to be left behind. hurt. am sad.
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( 3 / 1033 )Monday, December 1, 2008, 09:39 PM
Indigo Incarnates
Y'know... I get really tired of electronic gadgets going belly-up when I use them. My laptop managed to last a whopping two days after the weekend's reformat/reinstall procedure that took 14 hours. I brought it to work this morning and the screen started spewing out random-pixel gibberish. And I tried everything to revive it-- even another reformat/reinstall (which, curiously enough, only took 2 hours the second time around). If I had to take a guess, I'd say the nVidia GPU bit the dust. Since it's a laptop we're takling about, that means the GPU is hardwired onto the motherboard, which means that the computer is toast.
I should have known better than to have bought something too high-tech. I've had cheaper laptops that lasted longer.
So, I ordered a basic laptop for $594 (I added Bluetooth and Soundblaster Audigy, but otherwise left it pretty basic). My last two $600 laptops lasted 3-4 years each, while the $1,100 laptop lasted just 4 months beyond the 1-year warranty. :(
It's been a bad weekend for technology. I don't know why it is that electronic gadgets sort of self-destruct whenever I get in a highly emotional state. But I certainly can't deny that it happens.
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( 3 / 1037 )Sunday, November 30, 2008, 10:48 AM - Dumb Happenings
Indigo Incarnates
If you're ever wondering how long it takes to do a complete reformat/reinstall of Vista after an unrecoverable system failure, I can now tell you. The answer is FOURTEEN HOURS. That's right, boys and girls: it took fourteen hours of automated machination between the time I put the Recovery disc in the drive and the time that I was able to select an adminiatrator password. Wow. On Windows 2000 or Windows XP, I could reasonably do a reformat/reinstall in 90 minutes or so. The Vista recovery process literally ran all night and finally finished up when I was drinking my first cup of coffee the next morning.
It's bad enough that the operating system crashed my Blackberry this weekend, but with the Windows OS failing later that same day, I no longer have my contacts and email backed up for that device. that means i'm going to have to manually repopulate the replacement phone by hand when it arrives next week. What a friggin' drag.
Fourteen hours for a system recovery. I just find that unacceptable.
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( 3 / 1882 )Saturday, November 29, 2008, 09:36 AM - Church Stuff
Indigo Incarnates
Well, you all might remember how proud I was that I transformed my Wicca group's rudimentary Yahoo Groups page into a website, right? My intention in doing so really was benign. I don't have much in the way of money to donate to my religious practice, nor am I a particularly experienced or powerful Wiccan practitioner. But I am good at making basic non-commercial web sites. I also wanted to register the domain name before it was grabbed up by somebody else. I thought it was going to be nice if everyone in the group had a domain email instead of a cobbled-together collection of Yahoo and Hotmail accounts. My intent was for something really positive for the group.
It's just a shame that it wasn't recieved that way.
Basically, my efforts were recieves as an attempted usurpation of leadership authority. My efforts were viewed with shock and distress. I was told to never, ever do it again. I'm basically persona non-gratis at my group for a while. I guess I'll know in a few months if they want me back. I asked the priestess if she would be willing to put it up for a vote in a few months if I can be welcomed back. I guess I'll know what she thinks if/when she responds to my email.
So, I took down the website last night.
I had wanted positive things to come from my effots. But, as usual, every time I try to do something good, it blows up in my face. I really am a loser.
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( 2.9 / 1676 )Friday, November 28, 2008, 10:16 PM
Indigo Incarnates
Well, you all may recall that I'm no fan of Vista. After all, it takes up 80 Gb of hard drive space and makes a 2.2 GHz DuoCore run like a 900 MHz Celeron. What's not to like?
Well... today it managed to utterly destroy my brand-new Blackberry Curve. How did it accomplish this feat? Lemme tell ya...
The problem started when the "changeling effect" caused my Blackberry to start acting funky. So I called T-Mobile to push the configuration settings into the phone (you'd be surprised how often I have to make that call!) So the technician also told me that there was a firmware update for the phone that might make it act more stable. Well... for a human, it probably would. Ha ha.
Anyway, I downloaded the software and connected the Blackberry to the computer for the reflash. All was going well until the reflash application crashed. Thanks a lot, Vista! So, apparently the reflash was interrupted just after the phone's operating system but before it could install the new one. So now the phone won't even power up!
I called T-Mobile back and they said that the flash ROM has been destroyed. Nice. So I had to make a warranty claim. Now I will be without my phone for nine days.
Man, Vista so utterly and completely sucks!
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( 3 / 937 )Wednesday, November 26, 2008, 04:16 PM
Indigo Incarnates
I have to tell ya: I'm feeling a distinct lack of holiday enthusiasm this past week. Our finances are really tight (because we had to get a new car a few months ago when the old one died). I'm on pins-and-needles over being in "fire at will" status as a result of being recently promoted (I love the job, but I won't have any job security until I'm off probationary status). My mom's health continues to deteriorate. My sister is still acting like a teen-age slut (despite being 36 years old) and she's neglecting her daughter's health. Uncle Jimmy probably can't wait for mom to die so that he can rent the house out at a higher rate. Doug's sister's health took a huge turn for the worse (her lung cancer has metastasized) and I doubt there's anything that can be done at this point. Doug's beside himself with worry over his sister and mom. My uncle Blake decided that Doug and I weren't worth inviting over for Thanksgiving this year (he does that some years).
So... I'm just not feeling the mood of the season.
I will say what I'm thankful for, however: I am thankful that Doug is my partner (for almost ten years now). I'm thankful that I have a meaningful faith. I'm thankful that I feel loved when I pray to the Goddess. I'm thankful that we bought the Scion xD before the credit markets dried up (we wouldn't be able to get one if we had applied now). I'm thankful that I am so welcome at Turning Circle (my Wicca group). I'm thankful for my friends Java, Joan, and Iris. I'm thankful for getting a promotion at work. I'm glad that the Sara Palin hate machine didn't win this month. I'm thankful that my mom has a meaningful faith too, which is a comfort to her in this difficult time. I'm thankful that George Bush is leaving office soon. I'm glad that I didn't get shanked last week on community visits. Blessed be!
To all of you that celebrate Thanksgiving... well... Happy Thanksgiving!
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( 3 / 1202 )Sunday, November 23, 2008, 03:09 PM - Church Stuff
Indigo Incarnates
So... it occurred to me that my Wicca group (Turning Circle) doesn't actually have a web site. All we have is a group page on Yahoo. Well, I did some digging and discovered that I am entitled to a free web hosting service as a side-benefit of having a Windows Live account (hey, considering how much Microsoft charges for everything else, we ought to get something for free!) So I threw together a site at www.turningcircle.org that shows the basics of what Turning Circle is all about. It's got driving directions, our mission statement, and the calendar of upcoming events. I'm no hand-coding hacker-genius, but at least we have an actual domain and an actual web site now. Yay!
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( 3 / 1490 )Friday, November 21, 2008, 05:44 PM
Indigo Incarnates
I got my score today that was based on the first 90 days of being a Case Agent. I needed a 1.75 on a 4-point scale to get a grade of "Meets Standards". I got a 1.85 score. So... I passed by the skin of my teeth, hee hee! Of course, I haven't been doing this job very long either. I'm also happy that the boss didn't factor in re-arrest yet, since that would have taken my score down. But I figure that by the six-month review, I'll be good enough at case management that my record keeping abilities will offset the hit I'm going to take on re-arrests.
Why do I think I'll have a problem with defendants getting re-arrested too often? Well, it's mainly because the bulk of my caseload involves supervising people charged with misdemeanor drug offenses. When someone is an addict, they're bound to buy more drugs. It's just a fact. And since it's illegal to buy heroin, cocaine, and marijuana, the people under my supervision get arrested... a lot.
Of course, there are plenty of programs that help out with opiate dependence. However, the defendant has to want to kick the habit. Unfortunately, a lot of them simply don't want to get clean badly enough to make it happen. It's really kinda sad. It's not a life I'd want to live.
If I can keep getting a passing score for the rest of my probationary period, my job should be pretty secure. That will be a good thing, considering that Bushonomics has basically triggered the Second Great Depression. And when the economy goes downhill, it makes crime go up. And when crime goes up, there's a need for criminal justice professionals.
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