Tuesday, May 27, 2008, 05:26 PM - Random Thoughts
Indigo Incarnates
It was really busy at work today. Of course, since the courthouse was closed yesterday for the Memorial Day holiday, we had twice as many junkie bums awaiting pretrial release processing. Egads! Can't the thugs stop committing crimes when we're off-duty?!
One of the "clients" was a realy winner. He was collecting disability income but he didn't know what his disability was. When questioned, he replied, "Dey is gimmie a check each mumph!" Yeah. If you can't cite why you're getting SSDI, you *shouldn't* be getting it Of course, he mostly spends his income on lottery tickets and marijuana. He mooches off him mom full-time. ::sigh:: If you're wondering why Social Security is in trouble, it's because there are too many people collecting from it who have never paid into it.
The other busy part of my life for the past few days has been trying to get the house cleaned up for when my friend from South Carolina arrives. As much as I love Doug, he doesn't really help out with housework very much at all. And I'm not very efficient at housekeeping. Doug doesn't care if the house is messy; I *do* care, but I have a great deal of difficulty staying focused long enough to o it. Long story short: our house is always a disaster My friend is coming. I've cleaned for three days and the house is still messy. Egads. I'm worried that she's going to freak out. I hope she doesn't.
Well... that's it for now!
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( 3 / 1120 )Tuesday, May 6, 2008, 06:21 AM - Random Thoughts
Indigo Incarnates
Halo used his diabetic lancelet to cut yesterday and drew only a single drop of blood. That worked for him. That compromise worked, since he gets to have his release and yet the body is not put at risk. This is a good thing. I don't know why inflicting self-injury makes this system feel better afterwards, but it does. At least now there's no chance of accidently causing serious injury. I can't even see the pinprick this morning.
I had a friend cancel out on going to Six Flags when my friend found out we were going only with each other and not with a group. I am such a freak.It was unfair to ask in the first place. Who in their right mid would want to spend quality time with a mentally ill, self-injurious dissociative, homosexual witch? I don't have many friends, and none of them feel safe around me one-on-one. I'm a broken, damaged, shell of a person. It's no wonder I'm shunned.I hate myself too.
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( 2.6 / 1248 )Saturday, May 3, 2008, 06:09 PM - Random Thoughts
Last night was pretty cool. I ran my roleplaying game with Doug and two other friends. It was a lot of fun. It was basically part two of the "Firefly Sanctuary" dungeon. The brave adventurers had to face a giant, man-sized skelletal hand that punched and slapped them all over the place. Then they fought two Undead captains who led mutually-opposing armies of the dead against each other in a semingly eternal conflict. Then they solved the mystery of a jilted bride who had the power to unleash hell's fury at any untruthful man. They eventually found the Firefly Sanctuary and were able to refill the decanters from which healing potions are made.
My night was not too good. I had a terrible nightmare that involved me getting burned to death. It was ghastly. I never want to experience that again. It's not the only time I've been killed in a dream, but the ones that involve being burned to death are the most horrible.It made me wake up tired -- like I hadn't slept at all. I would have almost rather had insomnia than have that dream.
Saturday was better, however. I took a nice 4.5 mile walk into the NCR trail and did a prayer ritual to the Lord and Lady. I can feel the sumble, gentle power of the magic circle. It's nice to feel the quiet love of the God and Goddess. The only hard part was finding somewhere secluded enough to pray that was still accessible from the main trail. I did find such a place. I think only one person saw me. that was good.
After that, I test-drove a car. Doug was really happy with his test of the Scion xD, so I gave it a spin today too. I got the wee beastie up to 100 MPH with little difficulty. :) Who would have thought? The dealer agent is pretty nice. He's not trying to shove a car down our throats or trying to upsell us into a Lexus. So far so good. Maybe next Saturday Doug will have his new car!
Halo was out for a while, but most of his friends were offline. Oh well. He does seem to be changing for the better. He's more human and less creature than he once was.
So... today's not too bad. :)
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( 3 / 1325 )Friday, April 4, 2008, 08:08 PM - Random Thoughts
Took (borrowed) this from Tigeryogi and Coco this week...
1. What is in the back seat of your car right now? An empty box, three pine cones, and a coffee mug.
2. When was the last time you threw up? About 15 years ago in college – I got food poisoning.
3. What’s your favorite curse word? I don’t really curse much.
4. Name 3 people who made you smile today? Doug, a co-worker, and the clerk at the gym
5. What were you doing at 8 a.m. this morning? I was working on some warrant petitions to put some baddies behind bars.
6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Eating dinner. Yum!
7. Where were you born? I was never “born”. I was incarnated into a pre-existing body.
8. Have you ever been to a strip club? Once – in college. It was overrated.
9. What is the last thing you said aloud? “Do you want the last roll?”
10. What is the best ice cream flavor? Peanut butter
11. What was the last thing you had to drink? Diet Dr Pepper
12. What are you wearing right now? Classified .
13. What was the last thing you ate? Fettucini alfredo, carrots, and rolls
14. Have you bought any new clothes this week? No
15. Where were you last? The gym
16. What’s the last sporting event you watched? I can’t remember… not really a sports fan.
17. Who won? Beats the heck out of me!
18. Who is the last person you sent a comment/message while blogging? Eleania (from Second Life)
19. Ever go camping? Yes
20. Where do you live? Baltimore
21. What song are you listening to? None right now, but I was listening to Jalan Jalan earlier.
22. Do you tan? yes, but I wear a lot of sunscreen. I had two patches of precancerous skin removed a few years ago.
23. Do you drink your soda from a straw? Usually
24. What did your last text message say? “We didn’t cut today”
25. Who’s your best friend? My partner, Doug
26. What are you doing tomorrow? Eating breakfast with Doug at First Watch.
27. Where is your mom right now? Bi idea
28. Look to your right, what do you see? Doug, sitting in a chair, and he’s watching “Murder City”
29. What color is your watch? I don’t wear a watch. My changeling life-energy somehow kills off wristwatches – quickly.
30. What do you think of when you think of where you live? “The city is filled with rats as big as cats, and the streets crawl with junkie bums.”
31. Ever ridden on a roller coaster? yes, and love every moment of it
32. What is your birthstone? I don’t have one.
33. Do you go in at a fast-food place or just hit the drive through? I usually walk in
34. What is your favorite number? 3
35. Do you have a dog? Lola. She is a half Labrador and half Corgie.
36. Last person you talked to on the phone? My friend Ed.
37. Have you met anyone famous? No
38. Any plans today? Nope. I’ve already done everything I need to do today.
39. How many states have you lived in? Florida, Georgia, Maryland, and Pennsylvania
40. Ever go to college? Salisbury State. B.S. Mathematics
41. Where are you right now? Home, sitting on the couch
42. Biggest annoyance in your life right now? Stagnant wages at the same time that taxes and gas prices keep going up.
43. Are you struggling to forgive someone right now? no
44. Are you allergic to anything? Bees.
45. Favorite pair of shoes? My gym shoes
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( 3 / 1515 )Thursday, April 3, 2008, 07:14 PM - Random Thoughts
I'm happy to say that I finally did get some decent quality sleep last night. One of my Wiccan friends worked with me for a while on visualizing and meditation techniques. So I put the lesson to use when it was time to sleep. Lo and behold! I fell asleep quickly and didn't have nightmares. Yay!
It turns out that it was a good thing I got the rest. Work was nuts! We had a huge number of people to process and we had to do a lot of drug testing on defendants already under supervision. I think I did about 30 drug tests. (urine bottles... yuck...)
But hey! I had the energy to do six cases, 30 drug tests, and write five warrant petitions (for the goofballs who didn't play by our rules).
It's too bad the weather changed before we got off work. I was hoping Thistle was going to get a chance to fly again. Unfortunately, it's dark grey, miserably cold, and raining. But I can't complain too much. After all, we need rain, and we need the balance between the light and the dark.
I'm headed out to choir now. Church is always fun since Nancy is such an awesome Choir Master. She pushes the choir really hard, but it's worth it. We reallly do make pretty music when we sing and ring handbells.
I guess my only church anxiety right now is about communion. I wonder how much longer I can, in good conscience, continue to take communion in church as my faith in the Wiccan deity grows. I should talk to the priest and see what he says. I'm just not sure that they ARE seperate entities. Intuitively, it seems to me that there is only one deity but many, MANY ways to worship deity. It's something that mighttake me a while to resolve.
Oh... I'm being bad again... I'm writing this blog whil driving a car. Aaaiieeee!!!!
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update:
Yay! I didn't wreck my car while posting my blog. Yeah... that's a pretty bad habit I've got, heh heh.
Choir was great. Thistle came out for the practice, since he really likes church music and he likes Joan and Nancy a lot. I am glad that he has friends who accept him at face value. :)
Oh... and I'm taking Pink's advice: I'm *not* going to talk to my priest about my Wiccan practices. I don't need any human's stamp of approval in how I choose to worship God/Goddess.
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( 2.9 / 1202 )Wednesday, April 2, 2008, 09:34 PM - Random Thoughts
Well... today was a lot better than Monday and Tuesday.The only down thing that happened was that we had a really terrible nightmare last night. But abuse survivors get bad dreams a lot. The dream involved a nightmare about an evil father who had supernatural powers. He had a small child that he used his powers on. He murdered his child by somehow having writing snakes erupt out of his abdomen. It was horrible and savage.I hate dreams where I feel the emotional drives of the characters. The father was a beacon of hate and the child was a beacon of fear and suffering.
So I woke up feeling completely fatigues -- as if I hadn't slept at all.
But things got better throughout the day. First, it was sunny, so Thistle got to fly. It was wonderful. He flew and was shining in the bright warm sunlight. He has an aura of silver when he draws energy from the sun, and I feel it too. It's a wonderful feeling.
My quasi-lazy coworker did a *little* bit of work today, ha ha. I got lucky on the defendants. I had only trespassing and misdemeanor assault cases today. I didn't have to process any desperados.
Thistle was in the forground for therapy today. He mostly wanted to talk about how it can be that he believes in God, and yet my fundamentalist friends treat him in such an un-Christian way.
I think we'll try to get some rest. :)
Blessed Be
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( 3 / 1334 )Tuesday, April 1, 2008, 10:40 PM - Random Thoughts
It was busy and tiring for Indigo. He has run out of energy and so I must report. He wanted me to write this.
And so I do.
He feels that one of his coworkers is lazy. She calls out sick very often and this increases Indigo's workload when she is not present. Because she was not present today, Indigo's workload was very high. This frustrated him.
Indigo also was injured in a small accident. He slipped and fell, and it resulted in a large scrape and bruise on his elbow. It bled through his shirt. He was not seriously injured, but it colored his perceptions of the day.
The defendants were not disagreeable, hoever, and were generally cooperative. Unlike yesterday, the defendants were people better suited for Pretrial supervision, as they were all charged with midemeanor offenses. That was manageable.
Indigo briefly ran out of energy towards the end of his duty shift. Halo incarnated but he did not harm the body.Halo has become stronger in his resistace of the urge to self-mutilate. Halo wanted to inflict cutting but he resisted. That is good.
We meditated after work and put to rest some of the stress of the day. Meditation helps add stability to our system.
It was sunny for only a few minutes. I could fly for only a few minutes. My energy reserves are low but not yet depleted. Perhaps tomorrow will be sunny and I will be able to fly.
Handbell choir was enjoyable.There is a certain energy created when people of joyous spirit come together to worship God. It is true that few of the choir members worship the same way, but I believe that there is but one deity, and that deity hears all of our prayers and songs.
We are home now. This body is tired and sore. Tomorrow will likely be a better day.
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( 3 / 1461 )Monday, March 31, 2008, 06:42 PM - Random Thoughts
Well... Today was a pretty gloomy affair. It was grey, cold, and drizzly all day. It's the kind of day that make my fingers get cold and stay sorta stiff all day. The defendants were just ghastly today as well. Usually we just get low and mid-level criminals at Pretrial (petty theft, drug possession, misdemeanor assault, etc.) But today I had a cold-blooded murderer (1st degree murder at that!) I processed an armed robber (who got a haul of a whopping $171 from his victim). Then there was a misdemeanor gun case. Finally, I had a second robber. Egads.
When processing the release for the murderer (yes, some judge actually let him out pending trail), I performed a Wiccan shielding discipline since I did not want a single trace of this monster's negative energy to interface with me. So I felt nothing about him or from him as I did his release interview. But what a monster. He already had four prior convictions for crimes of violence. But he was going home. Unbelievable.
The only bright side of my day was that another judge signed off a warrant petition I prepared on Friday for a twice-convicted wife-beater. The defendant was in non-compliance with his pretrial supervision, so I asked that the defendant be re-arrested and his bail increased from $10,000 to $25,000. The judge agreed and now this bully is back behind bars. At least I did something useful for the community.
It remained cloudy the whole day. That means Thistle couldn't fly. That means that I, too, could not receive any sunlight energy. I am tired. I didn't sleep well last night either (that happens a lot.)
Halo was out for a while, but he did not cut. He's getting quite good at resisting the self-destructive urges he feels every time he manifests. He's resisted the urge very time for the past two months. This is good.
Right now, I am just goofing off. I'm tired. I had some veggy lasagna for dinner (yum!) But otherwise I'm doing a whole lot of nothng. But there's no choir tonight and Doug's at work until 9:00pm. I think it's okay to do nothing for a while.
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( 3 / 1480 )Monday, March 24, 2008, 09:33 PM - Random Thoughts
It was very exciting at work today. I got TWO warrants served on defendants who otherwise couldn't be bothered to show up for trial (the warrants were FTA warrants for failing to appear for trial). Go figure... people who rob, steal, and deal dope don't always show up for court! Well, at least THESE TWO will! :)
One of my work-avoiding coworkers was wailing and gnashing her teeth today because her duty load was just high as mine for a change. Usually I do about 25% more work than her because she drags her heels all day whereas I work at full blast. So she was griping about having "too many" cases (ie. the same number as I get every single day). Well... welcome to MY world, ha ha!
My first therapist appointment went pretty well. She has treated other dissociatives before and agrees that my case isn't TOO bad (yay!) So I should be able to be restabilized pretty quickly. I'm glad.
And Doug and I got ice cream tonight. Yum!!!! :)
So, all in all, it was a pretty good day. I am happy for this incarnation. I feel blessed.
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( 3.2 / 1406 )Sunday, March 16, 2008, 05:32 PM - Random Thoughts
Well... I can only blame myself for getting four hours sleep last night. The cause wasn't psychological or spiritual, but instead was 100% mundane. It all started last night, heh heh.
So, we played my World of Gaianar roleplaying game last night (after yesterday's blog entry). It was pretty fun since the adventure involved a time-travel puzzle in which the adventerures completely screwed up by making terrible choices (the Gunslinger ended up violating his ethos and has temporarily lost his powers). Well, Jeff called me before the game and said, "Hey, bring over a Dunkin Donuts' "Box o Joe". So I did. Well, Rich came up with the exact same idea independently on his own. So here we were with four players (me, Doug, Rich and Jeff) and two GALLONS of hot coffee. Well, heck... we didn't want to let all that coffee go to waste. Between the four of us we polished off two gallons of hot coffee.
Needless to say, the game ran at a BRISK pace, which is also probably why the players made uncharacteristically bad choices, heh heh. In the end, it turns out that the adventurers served as the original cause of a problem that made half a town vanish into a limestone sinkhole, har har. In other words, they were the cause of the very problem they were charged with solving!
Yeah... trying to sleep after all that coffee... right... sorta didn't work out so well.
And today was Palm Sunday -- one of the darkest services in the Christian calendar. Halo manifested and sheilded me from hearing the content of the first service (the betrayal/torture/murder of Jesus Christ). I was really grateful for that, even though it means his own burden increased by some small increment as a reault. He protected me for the first service and part of the second (basically, he held the foreground until Communion in the second service).
So, I'm tired today.
At least I got a chance to sign up for the Wicca 101 class. It actually starts April 28. That should be pretty cool.
And this morning, I had my last cup of coffee at 7:45AM, so at least I didn't REPEAT yesterday's mistake!
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