Saturday, May 3, 2008, 09:46 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
kept my promise. didn't cut. not cutting until may5. tired. bad dreams. dreamed of fire. don't want to die in fire. rather be shot or hung. don't want to get burned. hate fire. hate burns. hate nightmares. hate being haunted. hate being hated.
am changing. have been changing. less creature. more human. bone replaced barbed wire. blood replaced black acid. have skin now. have eyes and face and hands. am changing. better. more human.
not a monster. not evil. not bad. not being bad.
am being good. good person. nice person. being good.
was tired. don't like my domain. want somehwere safe. hate seeing black sky and black acid rain. hate sharp jagged rocks. want a safe domain. somewhere safe to rest. not safe anymore. jagged rocks not safe for flesh.
thistle wants to help. said he'd change things. make less sharp. make it safer. want somewhere safe. tired now. want to sleep. was out today. incarnated a long time. made me tired. don't want to go back to sharp rocks and black rain. want a safe place. hate my domain. tired. so tired.
didn't cut. promised. didn't cut. resisted. want to cut. want to bleed. want to see our blood. to see us bleed. not cutting. resiting. promised. didn't cut. trying. being good. knife is an atheme now so can't use it. have a lancelet now. makes little cut. little blood. less cut. didn't cut yet. promised. won't cut until may5.
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( 2.9 / 1201 )Saturday, May 3, 2008, 06:09 PM - Random Thoughts
Last night was pretty cool. I ran my roleplaying game with Doug and two other friends. It was a lot of fun. It was basically part two of the "Firefly Sanctuary" dungeon. The brave adventurers had to face a giant, man-sized skelletal hand that punched and slapped them all over the place. Then they fought two Undead captains who led mutually-opposing armies of the dead against each other in a semingly eternal conflict. Then they solved the mystery of a jilted bride who had the power to unleash hell's fury at any untruthful man. They eventually found the Firefly Sanctuary and were able to refill the decanters from which healing potions are made.
My night was not too good. I had a terrible nightmare that involved me getting burned to death. It was ghastly. I never want to experience that again. It's not the only time I've been killed in a dream, but the ones that involve being burned to death are the most horrible.It made me wake up tired -- like I hadn't slept at all. I would have almost rather had insomnia than have that dream.
Saturday was better, however. I took a nice 4.5 mile walk into the NCR trail and did a prayer ritual to the Lord and Lady. I can feel the sumble, gentle power of the magic circle. It's nice to feel the quiet love of the God and Goddess. The only hard part was finding somewhere secluded enough to pray that was still accessible from the main trail. I did find such a place. I think only one person saw me. that was good.
After that, I test-drove a car. Doug was really happy with his test of the Scion xD, so I gave it a spin today too. I got the wee beastie up to 100 MPH with little difficulty. :) Who would have thought? The dealer agent is pretty nice. He's not trying to shove a car down our throats or trying to upsell us into a Lexus. So far so good. Maybe next Saturday Doug will have his new car!
Halo was out for a while, but most of his friends were offline. Oh well. He does seem to be changing for the better. He's more human and less creature than he once was.
So... today's not too bad. :)
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( 3 / 1301 )Friday, May 2, 2008, 08:00 AM
Yesterday was my first celebrated Beltaine. It was really nice. I think one of the special things about Wicca is that it is a personal, intimate religion. It can be celebrated in groups or it can be celebrated in solitary.
Yesterday, I took a two mile hike into the NCR Trail (a state park in Maryland) and found a secluded spot to do a worship ritual. I brought some candles, incense, my finger chimes, and my wand. It was drizzling so no one else was about. The park was silent except for the sounds of birds and the soft hiss of the gentle rain. It was peaceful.
I cast my magic circle and recited the Rede. Then I simply meditated on the love I have for the God and Goddess. And all I asked for was their love. And it does feel like I am loved. :)
I felt really safe there in the wooded trail, with no people nearby, standing inside my circle. There's a subtle presence of life-energy that ordinary humans miss but changelings can sense. It's hard to describe in words, but I'm blessed with the ability to sense it. I am happy for the experience and am blessed with being called to the Wiccan path.
Blessed Be
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( 2.9 / 1048 )Thursday, May 1, 2008, 09:25 AM
Man! The event I have been dreading has finally occured. The IMA warning light on the hybrid car lit up yesterday, indicating that the battery array capacity has fallen below spec. In other words, that huge $2,800 array of batteries in the trunk is almost worn out. It's not a surprise, since the warranty is for 100k mikes, the expected service life is 150k miles, and my car currently has 135k miles. I have no doubt tht the battery pack will be totally defunct in another 15,000 miles.
That sucks, since I *LIKE* my car.
So, I'll keep driving it until the first time it strands me. But after that, I'll have to trade it in. The general plan is for me to start driving Doug's Accord (since it has only 72k miles on it and is in really good mechanical condition and has only cosmetic damage). Doug's leaning towards getting a Cobalt or a Yaris, since they're inexpensive, cute, and they get good gas mileage.
Oh well... One can't fight off entropy forever, heh heh.
On the bright side, Doug found my cell phone! Yay!
On the magical front, I did a healing ritual for a friend last night (the same as earlier this week). She's in bad shape. Her breathing is getting better, but she had a fainting accident (yesterday) and is in lot of pain as result. It just sucks that someone as nice as her has to be burdened with really serious health problems. I remembered to do shielding and grounding this time. The interesting thing about working with energy is that the area inside the magic circle really does heat up during the ritual. That, and it's physically draining. On the bright side, I had no trouble sleeping last night, and I didn't have nightmares.
Today is Beltaine! It's the first time I'm Wiccan enough to want to celebrate it. Yay!
Blessed Be
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( 3 / 885 )Wednesday, April 30, 2008, 06:04 AM
I didn't get a chance to write an entry yesterday because I misplaced my cell phone. I usualy write my posts from the cell phone's browser. I still don't know where it is, but I know it's in the house somewhere because I heard it make it's lamentable "death tone", when it's battery died. Crap! But how can I find it if I can't make it ring?! Aaiieeee!!!!
But I digress, heh heh.
Anyway... I used what I learned from my Wicca class to write what I hope will be a more effective healing spell. Since tomorrow is Beltain, I'll try it out then, since that is a day of power. If it happens to be sunny that day, it'll be even better.
So, my Book of Shadows has it's first entry. Very exciting!
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( 3 / 945 )Monday, April 28, 2008, 06:40 PM
Well... It's been rainy/overcast for two days. My energy is low today. I can feel Halo in the background. Fortunately, he's not feeling compelled to cut. Thistle and I came up with a compromise on cutting that Halo will try. We have a diabetic lancelet that he can use instead of a knife or scissors. A lancelet basically inflicts a really tiny wound and only a drop or two of blood will leak out. With any luck, it will be enough. Time will tell.
The work day was unpleqsant. All of the defendants were unemployed and drug addicted. That wouldn't be so bad were it not for the fact that the defendants don't want to be off drugs! Like, I can see getting hooked on drugs, but I can't fathom the idea of LIKING being an addict! I would think one's life would have to be pretty empty to choose that path for one's life.
The spell I did for my friend yesterday had some positive effect, except she had a fall in the kitchen today, so now she's sort of banged up. I feel so sorry for Aianna. Really bad nerve disease (not fatal, but persistant and painful). Side note: I wasn't trying to cure her nerve disease, only her pulmonary infection. Anyway, when she had the kitchen accident, it REALLY hurt. :( I wish there was more I could do for her than just prayers and little spells.
I don't have enough energy for magic today. I barely have enough energy to remain incarnated as Indigo. I am pretty sure I'm going to lose power some time this evening, which will mean Halo will be out. At least I know he's not going to cut tonight.
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( 3.1 / 1011 )Sunday, April 27, 2008, 08:08 PM
Today was a pretty easy day. I had church this morning. I talked to my priest about a spiritual issue and found out he reads my blog (although he's never posted a comment that I'm aware of). This means he knows I have MPD and he knows I'm studying Wicca, and he knows I'm a changeling. So... I was expecting to get kicked out of church. But that's not what happened. He told me I am welcome, and that he likes me very much. I am in good standing. This made me very happy!
The choir loft was as hot as a sauna, so most of the members ended up taking their robes home to get washed. We sweated through our clothes. Yuck!
Doug's thinking about trading his car in for a Checy Cobalt. It really is a nice car for $16,000. I'm pretty sure we can afford one after July since Doug and I will both be getting Step raises from our jobs.
I felt well enough to to do a pretty vigorous workout at the gym. I did 6.2 miles and burned 905 calories. Yay!
I performed a healing spell for a friend who is *really* sick. She has two conditions, one curable (a pulmonary infection) and the other is not curable (but fortunately not fatal either). I focused my intent on the curable illness. The magic circle got pretty warm for a while and I focused my intent until the warmth faded again (which I suppose meant I had expended all the magical energy I had gathered.)
I had to use earth-drawn energy today, unfortunately, since it was overcast today. It's much easier to use sun energy since both Thistle and I are sun-aligned. I am glad that I'm studying Wicca so I can learn how to do healing for people. I really want to help others.
So... today was pretty good :)
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( 3 / 972 )Saturday, April 26, 2008, 11:19 AM
Well... yesterday at work I started feeling really sick. I didn't get to do a blog entry since I was really ill. I'm feeling a lot better today. My metabolism is really high, so what it seems like is that I get really fatigued all of the sudden, then I sort of go into "standby mode" for a couple hours, and then when my energy returns, I feel incrementally better. So that's how the last 24 hours have been.
I'm guessing that regular humans can't divert huge amounts of their body's resources to overcome an illness and then "resume" from that activity and be mostly better. It's a nice perk that I get from being a changeling. I'm almost okay again -- but WOW am I tired! :)
Doug got his rental car yesterday. It's a 2008 Chevy Cobalt. It's a really nice little car. I used to have really bad opinion of Americal cars, but I was surprised at how sturdy, quiet, and peppy the little Cobalt seemed to be. If it came out in a hybrid flavor, I'd consider one.
Casual Friday was nice yesterday. We still looked better than the defendants, however. Ha ha ha ha!
We did our usual First Watch breakfast this morning. The funny thing is that the same folks seem to eat there every Saturday at the same time we do. I guess Doug and I aren't the only ones who have predictable behavior, heh heh.
My Wicca 101 class starts tonight. I can't wait!
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Hmmm.... I was sort of in "standby mode" for another two hours, but after my energy came back, I was drenched in sweat and felt a *whole lot* better. The physical body does really gross things sometimes, heh heh. Well, it was time to do laundry today anyhow.
I felt good enough afterwards that I could do a 2-mile walk outdoors. This let Thistle fly too, and tht's always good for our system. He's fully empowered agan even after helping me beat this cold in just 24 hours. Yay!
The Wicca class starts in 15 minutes! :)
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The Wicca class was pretty neat. I learned so much in just two hours. I am so glad that I signed up for this class. I think it's going to really help me in my religious education. I'm really happy. It was a good day today. :)
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( 3 / 943 )Thursday, April 24, 2008, 09:23 PM
Lemme tell ya: I woke up feeling REALLY stiff this morning after the previous evening's nine-mile hike. Aaiieee!!! But that basically means the excercise was worthwhile. :)
I had a dream last night that I could fly. I flew a blue-sailed hang glider in the summer sky. It was empowering, beautiful, and wonderful. To fly is a sacred thing. It's like how almost every day is for Thistle -- except he doesnmt need a hang glider. :)
Work was super-busy. I had six cases today and three of them were real desperados. Two were wife-beaters and the third was a gun-toting, drug-dealing thug. In the latter case, the guy actually paid the $175,000 bail! Geeeeez! Meanwhile, my lazy coworker dragged her heels so much that she only did three cases. Urrrg.
My other coworker (the hard-working one) gave me a ride home, since Doug is using my car. he gets his rental car tomorrow. Joann is a pretty nice coworker/friend.
After work, I did an hour-long bike ride. it was really good weather for cycling. Thistle got the hour of sunlight he likes to have. It's nice when he can fly and be fully empowered. it feels to nice to recieve energy from the sun. it's good to be a changeling.
I performed some ritual magic for the benefit of a friend with a bad cold. I don't have a lot of practice in Wicca yet, but I figured doing a healing ritual for someone with a cold is tame enough to be safe. Still, it's always nice to have communion with the Mother Goddess. I always feel loved when I pray to her.
I'm feeling pretty tired now. :)
But hey... tomorrow is one of th very rare "casual fridays" at work, which means I can ditch the tie. Yay!.
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( 3 / 979 )Wednesday, April 23, 2008, 09:38 PM
There's a reason why I don't take public tranportation to work, heh heh.
So... Doug's car i in the shop, and we juggled the remaining car around so that we could both get to work. Long story short, Doug had the car this evening, and I wanted to get a new pair of gym shoes, so I figured I'd take the light rail up to the mall since I can ride the Light Rail for free as a civilian employee of the State Police.
It started as a three mile walk (one to the Hair Cuttery and two to the Light Rail). I got my shoe and was on the way home when the freakin' train broke down. I had to walk six mile home (for a total of nine miles!) It's a good thing I like to stay in shape!
It wa beautiful weather for a walk. Thistle got the full hour of sunlight he wanted and he's once again fully empowered. I'm glad he was able to fly :)
I'm tired now, but it was the perfect day for a long walk. It was sunny, warm, and breezy. There were a handful of pretty clouds in the sky. The trees are getting their leaves in full and I say a lot beautiful flowers. I walked under a bridge and saw a family of geese. All in all, it wasn't bad, even though the walk was unexpected. :)
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