Friday, March 17, 2006, 08:17 AM - Dissociation & Switching
The interesting thing about exercise and dissociation is how, when I do a really intense workout, I feel like I'm shining. It feels sometimes that there's this unseen radiant energy that becomes part of me for a while. If it made a visible glow, it would be bright silver-white.
Thistle has this energy all the time. But at least I can occasionally experience it.
I wish that when I had the shining that I could fly too.
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( 3 / 1627 )Monday, March 13, 2006, 07:20 PM - Dissociation & Switching
Today was one of the rare "perfect" days. It was sunny, breezy, warm, and dry. Thistle likes days like this. His own domain is much like that.
Thistle can look at the sun without harm. He can fly. He gains energy in sunlight, clouds, and sky.
I wish I could be like him - an angelic being. When the sky and sun are like this, Thistle shines.
Thistle is the voice of my spirit.
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( 3 / 1555 )Friday, February 17, 2006, 08:32 AM - Dissociation & Switching
So... There are times when a shadow seems to pass over my soul, and I cease being a creature of light, but instead I become a harbinger of Death Magic. I imagine that, in the spirit plane, a horrible and ghastly black radiance emanates from my soul. This darkness has the power to make other people sick, or make their bodies deteriorate, or make their aging accelerate. I hate when I become a thing of Darkness.
Right now, I can feel the Death Magic streaming outward. My body is numb, and my skin is like some sort of strange facade. I could cut myself now and know that it would not hurt. I could bleed without fear.
As Halo, my blood is the blackest, most caustic poison known. But I do not feel. I am the Incarnation of Darkness and Death Magic.
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( 3.1 / 1547 )Sunday, February 12, 2006, 02:02 PM - Dissociation & Switching
Well... Two factors can make me start dissociating again, even though I'm integrated: Being off my meds too long, and being way too tired for too long. Last night, I got to experience both.
I accidently left my prescription bottle of Effexor (an anti-depressant) at work on Friday. But then I had already agreed to help a friend out with some side-work selling phones at a trade show. (I used to sell cellular phones full time, but now I'm in law enforcement as a Pretrial Release Investigator.)
So by 9:30pm last night, I was exceedingly tired and I had missed two doses of my meds. I felt the integration sort of "fall away" and realized that I was functioning just as Indigo, not as the integrated super-personality.
In one way, it's interesting to function as simply a powerful Alter. I became reaquainted with my own unique capililities and what I can do unaided. But then there was the chorus of voices that I was not used to hearing. Before I was integrated, it was normal for me to never have my mind all to myself. Last night I could hear Thistle humming a church hymn, Ashen complaining about liberal judges and worthless junkies, and I could *feel* Halo's sadness. I have almost no contact with Willow (and I never did), but I could feel his presence in my mind.
This is not a bad thing, per se.
But I/we function better as one, for it really seems like the psychic potential of the integrated super-personality is stronger than the colelction of pieces. (by psychic potential, I mean a concept akin to "willpower", not telepathy or ESP).
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