Saturday, March 7, 2009, 08:38 AM - Random Thoughts
Indigo Incarnates
It's hard to go to a funeral for someone you don't like. It's no secret that Heather and I didn't get along. She had the charming habit of calling me a "f---ing faggot" and also punched me in the face once. I would call her out on leaning too hard on her "disability" of dyslexia and depression. (I have it too, plus a dissociative disorder, but I've always managed to hold down a job). So we didn't like each other when she was alive.
I wasn't expecting to be greeted at the viewing by one of Heather's friends, who said, "Heather told me alll about you -- nothing good, of course." Whatever.
Apparently there were two versions of "Heather". There was the "cocaine" Heather version that cursed, drank, smoked, snorted vast quantities of cocaine, ran up huge credit card bills, and had occasional bouts of violence. Then there was "church" Heather -- the one where people kept saying "She was so nice to the Sunday School kids", blah blah blah. I never met "church" Heather. I only ever got to see "cocaine" Heather.
Regardless of her behaviior, I do feel sorry for Doug and his mom (Jane). Heather died at age 39 and it's not natural for parents to bury their children.
I have a six hour drive back today. It's not going to be a blast. I'm sad that I only ever got to see the "cocaine" Heather and not the "church" Heather. If I had, maybe I'd be able to miss her.
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( 2.9 / 3073 )Thursday, March 5, 2009, 06:59 AM
Indigo Incarnates
Yesterday was the kind of day where I should have just gone back to bed. There should be a way to call in to work and say "I can't come in today: my karma is screwed up right now". Ha ha ha ha!
Well, it helps having a sense of humor. From the Wiccan perspective, I can take comfort in knowing that sometimes "sh*t happens" but it's not because of angry desert god.
So, the day started out with me falling down the stairs and hitting my head hard enough to make my scalp bleed. (One of my coworkers used to think Doug beat me because I always said I fall down the stairs. Alas, I really am this clumsy!)
Then, on the way to work, I got a flat tire. Nice. Fortunately, I have a roadside plan through my insurance company (and it costs a whopping 70 cents per month!) So I'm driviving from Mitchell Courthouse to Eastside Courthouse and I got a *second* flat tire! Geeeeeez!!!
So, at that point, I had to get the car towed after work. $345 later, I have two brand-new, high-endurance tires, and I also got the oil changed.
On the bright side, at least the disaster happened in the city and not on Rt. 70 on the way to Heather's funeral (and I'm driving this evening after work today).
My friend Jeff treated me to dinner since I had a lousy day. Jeff's a nice friend. :)
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( 3.1 / 2580 )Monday, March 2, 2009, 09:39 PM
Indigo Incarnates
Doug's sister (Heather) died last night. She had been sick with cancer for a long time. She died while sleeping. I did not like her. But I am sad for Doug.
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( 3 / 1640 )Saturday, February 28, 2009, 09:07 PM
Indigo Incarnates
So, the leadership at my Pagan group finally decided that it really would be a good idea to have a web site after all. Yay! The weather sucked all day long so I mostly worked on the Turning Circle web site today. (www.turningcircle.org) I'd say it's about 70% completed. I need to track down some more Pagan artwork and also upload some sample rituals. But for the most part it's done. Kewl. It helps having a real computer again. I've got the new laptop set up for dual display. That's a whole lot of visible viewing space!
I also got the demo version of Sacred II working on the new computer. Apparently the video card is more important than the main processor. Yeah, i'm obsessed with Sacred. It's not often that you find a game in which one can play a half-angel that haas gloats like "burn for your sins" and "beg for forgiveness!" Ha ha ha ha!!
The weather today was of that damp, dark, cold variety that makes my joints ache. On days like this, I can feel every serious injury I've ever had. It just plain sucks. I don't know why a human body only ever heals to 80% or so after a serious injury. Why can't the body ever heal all the way? So I'm sitting here just aching :(
Oh well... what can ya do? It could have been worse. Afterr all, instead of being achy from the numerous car wrecks, diving accident, motorcycle wreck, and hang glliding crash, I could be dead or crippled instead. It really could be a lot worse.
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( 3 / 1871 )Friday, February 27, 2009, 06:08 AM
Indigo Incarnates
I am happy to say that I got my new computer, and I got it on sale! Whoooo-hoo! So now I can finally talk to my friends on Second Life again. Of course, the computer is kida huge, heh heh. I find it odd that laptops with big 16" screens are much less expensive than ones with 13" screens. Go figure. But when I was pricing out laptops, a 13" laptop with a nVidia graphics chipset started at $1,000 but this much bigger laptop only cost $550.I have no idea why. A 16" screen is pretty easy on the eyes, that's for sure!
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( 3 / 1998 )Wednesday, December 31, 1969, 07:00 PM
halo incarnates
feels like we will be crushed. don't want to be crushed. heart races. mind races. saliva tastes like metal. don't like it. feels like something bad will happen. don't know what. hate the ghosts of the past. hate bad memories.. hate bad thoughts. saliva tastes like metal. mind races. heart races. don't know why. palms sweat but feels cold. hate feeling cold all the time. miserable winter. can never be warm. cold house. cold office. cold outside. hands and feet are always cold. mind races. heart races. mouth tastes like metal. don't like it. feels like fear. don't want to have fear. am not a coward.
can remember how it used to be. if we don't move they can't see us. but am still here. didn't ask to become what we are. had to become what we are. am what is left. am what remains. sad. feeling sad. is sad. could have been of the light. am of the darkness. am dark. am not evil. am not evil. am not evil. am of the darkness but not of evil. can never be of the light. ca never be what was. am what remains. am what is left.
hate having fear. will not be mastered by fear. halo makes halo's decisions. will do what is good. will do what works. will not be mastered. will not have fear make choices. halo makes halo's choices. is how it will be. is how it will be. am not a coward. am here.
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( 3 / 1905 )Sunday, February 22, 2009, 09:51 AM
Indigo Incarnates
It just occurs to me that any corporation *other* than Microsoft would be sued out of existence by now. It's bad enough that their software is incredibly expensive, but their new trick is limiting how often the software can be installed.
Case in point: I paid $200 for a completely legal copy of Windows XP Professional about three years ago. I installed it on my desktop computer. Then the hard drive failed, so I installed it again on the same machine. Then that machine died. So I installed it on my next laptop (now also dead). So I tried to install it last night on my netbook and now it won't activate!
I also have a copy of Office 2007. I bought it legit. When I tried re-installing it last night, it declined to activate.
When is some clever software engineer going to come up with a viable alternative to the Microsoft monopoly?! This install-limitation crap just cost me a LOT of money!
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( 3 / 1868 )Saturday, February 21, 2009, 01:52 PM
Indigo Incarnates
I'm happy to say that I passed my second "new hire" audit. I've been a Case Agent for about five months so my work gets audited more often than someone who has been doing the job more than a year. I scored reasonably well this time. On a scale of 0-4, I have to get a 1.75 to pass. The first time around I got a 1.76 (whew!). This time I got a 2.54 (where 2.25 is considered "average"). So getting slightly above average less than six month on the job isn't too bad. Of course, I also always get good scores on conduct and attendance, which are factored separately from the audit but do factor into the overall performance review.
So my boss, two co workers, and I went out for Chinese food last night. That was fun. It's great having a supervisor who actually *likes* her employees!
Doug is coming home tomorrow. I've really missed him. I don't think he enjoyed the trip too much either. I'll be glad to have him home.
I did do a 2 mile walk outdoors. It was too chilly for a really long walk, but I did get out somewhat. I'll be glad when the weather warms up so I can excercise mroe and lost about 10 pounds.
I did Doug's taxes today! Yay! So between his return and mine, we should have no problem getting a new couch and a new chair for the living room. Our is, alas, quite deflated from 8 years of use and three pets, plus the occasional use as a guest bed.
I was feeling REALLY guilty about buying a new computer next week. But after seeing what the tax refund is going to look like, I feel less guilty. I saved up $600 in a CD for the computer, so I should only need to siphon off about $50 out of the tax refund. I noticed that laptops with 3D rendering capability are all HUGE. My itty bitty netbook is a nice little machine for watching Netflix and listening to music, as well as the whole email/internet thing. but when I bought it, there were two factors: I was strapped for cash (and this cost $359), and I didn't know that Second Life was about to radically change their system requirements. Apparently an Intel GMA with 64 Mb shared memory isn't an acceptale graphics processor for Second Life anymore (it used to be). So now when I log in (on those rare chances that I actually CAN log in), all I see is shapeless expanse of beige. I have a few really nice friends on SL, so I basically need a new computer to communicate with them. Staples has a laptop with an ATI chipset (2048 Mb texture buffer, 4096 Mb total system memory), so that should be fine for SL, and the machine is only $650.
Speaking of computers, I need to do a root canal on the netbook. What I've noticed is that the Microsoft "updates" have a toxic effect on computers after a while. Now the netbook is nearly crippled so I want to do a reformat/reinstall to clean things up. ::sigh:: Not too much fun. :(
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( 3 / 1914 )Thursday, February 19, 2009, 03:00 PM - halo's thoughts
halo incarnates
hate being alone. hate being cold. want winter to be over. dark is okay but cold not harsh. hate cold weather. is hard to be at home. lonely. no one there. hard to sleep.
am at work. stressful. is audit time. have to do that sometimes. don't like it. am always trying hard. always pass ok. still don't like it. am always afraid that bad things will happen.
hate having fear. but am not a coward. am always working. can do job even when having fear. can feel it but will not overwhelm. can be okay. am not a coward. am ok. will be ok. will not cut. will nut hurt the body. am ok. is hard to be alone for so long. but will be ok. will not give in to bad ways. will not cut.
am able to think better now. used to be harder to think. am able to be lucid. can have will to not cut. am being good.
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( 3.1 / 2390 )Wednesday, February 18, 2009, 09:10 PM
am willow
no one;s here
dark outside
cold
can see fuzzy cat in the hall
am tired
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